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Wife Manipulative Bi-Polar

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Bipolar Disorder
Is a Bipolar person manipulative
yes - 100.0% - 3 votes
no - 0.0% - 0 votes
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Posted 12/18/2007 4:45 PM (GMT 0)
I am new to this and married with a spouse that was told she is bipolar and takes the meds for it but still says she is not bipolar when we talk about it.  I decided to stay with her even though I have real problems dealing with the mood swings especially when she yells and gets angry about things that actually are really not a big deal to the average person.  Her therapist at one time told me she is very manipulative and I agree.  She always says I don't do enough around the house but before I go to work (full time employment) I will feed the birds, clean the poo out of the back yard and clean the windows to help out.  She gets irritated because I wont sweep and mop the floors each day before I go to work.  We have no kids at home, and she does not work outside the house.  When we go on walks if she gets mad about something she will well at me in the middle of the street and use many four letter words, and think its perfectly fine to talk that way.  Her day consists of getting up about 7:30 each day and sit at the table having a cup of coffee then after I leave for work go jogging for about an hour and a half then walk one of the dogs around the block.  The she will take her shower and go to the store and get what she needs.  She usually shops for herself and I have to get my stuff on the weekends.  She does not cook any meals, I cook all of my own meals.  I guess I could go on but my question is are these all part of the Bi-polar thing.  She wont let me talk to her doctor so I have no idea.
Posted 12/18/2007 7:22 PM (GMT 0)

Forgive me, I REALLY don't mean to be insensitive here....but....what are YOU getting out of this relationship?  It does not sound like much.  From what you indicate, she is verbally abusive to you on a whim, she is selfish about her time - spending habits - and nurturing skills, you work full time to pay for everything and get nothing, and she lounges and does as she pleases.  Then, confronting the BP...you are not her partner, you are shut out.  You have no kids to tie you to this situation....so either I am missing something in this picture that has not been shared, or you get something out of this kind of relationship neglect.  And so you understand where I am coming from....I am a spouse to a BP of 16 years, with 3 kids.  I get the difficulties, but I can honestly say that at least my spouse and I are partners in his wellness.  I demand that or I am out.  He knows that.  But what you are also describing is not just a BP issue.  Do you REALLY not like conflict to the point of allowing yourself this level of abuse?  Don't mean to be harsh, but I don't think I would serve you to just say sorry to your situation.  I remember it said once, that we teach people how to treat us...well, okay, with BP; it does add a few new issues into that equation, but how have you taught her to treat you here with your passivity?  A person with BP, unless they are at the point of needing hospitalization, is STILL capable of being responsible (IF they choose) to their behavior.  Where's her responsibility here, and is this the life you REALLY want?  Is this the situation you would want to bring kids into?  Who would be there to nurture them while you are working so hard to pay for everything? 

Good luck to you, I know I brought up a lot of things, but sometimes the focus needs to be more on the spouse, not on the BP themselves.  I suggest this is one of those situations....LFW

Posted 12/18/2007 7:55 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks for being blunt.  I have had a couple of people my minister and such ask me the same thing why am I still with her.  My only answer is this, I feel once you are married for better or worse you need to work it out and stay together.  She needs my help or she would be a lot worse off.  I can't see her making it on her own and feel its my duty to take care of her even if it means I have to put my needs on the side.  I don't know if this is reasonable or if I have been in this situation for so long that I am an enabler now.  I know I do not like the way it is where she can say anything on her mind and be the nastiest person I have ever known at times (more than not) or what.  Just like this past week my dad visited and asked me if I had a bar b que grill.  I said not it died a few years ago and I never replaced it.  The truth was after it rusted out my wife didnt want another one and would not let me buy one.  Either way he bought me one and after he left she wanted to take it back and get the money.  I said ok at first then told her the next day no, I am keeping it.  She has been mad about that ever since.  I don't think its right to take it back for the money when we don't need the money in the first place.  Like I said I work one job full time and a second part time.  Since she is Bipolar, I want to be able to stand up to her but not drive her over the edge and I don't know how to do that.  So I guess thats what I am doing here looking for suggestions on how to do this.  She does not know that last year I called an Attorney but did not go through the process of divorce once she got on some medication and it has helped some.

Posted 12/18/2007 10:47 PM (GMT 0)
Kwolfe25,

Allow me to welcome you to our board, and I hope you can find some of the suggestions you are looking for here. I think you can. My guess is your wife is stronger than you are allowing for, but the key here is responsibility. She needs to take responsibility for her illness by seeing a doctor, taking her medications and doing her best to be healthy. She needs to take responsibilities for her actions both in your marriage and in her home. And you need to take more responsibility for the way you enable her behavior by silently approving it.

I think there are ways to resist by simply stating what you are doing: "No, I'm not returning the grill. It was a gift from my father, I want it, we don't need the money." You are allowed to have wants and needs too. She may be upset, but she won't have a whole episode over something like that.

It sounds like you are walking on eggshells, afraid to set off an episode. You can't live like that. Our moods are unpredictable, it's true, but they are not our spouse's responsibilities . That's just impossible.

Feel free to ask questions and we'll do our best to help you gauge what's realistic and what's just not.

serafena
Posted 12/19/2007 12:24 AM (GMT 0)
If you are going to stay because you believe in the "better or worse" thing - and I do understand that after 16 years of marriage myself, BUT...there is not give and take here to balance out the bad stuff from the sound of it. So it sounds more like you are sacrificing your life for hers. That is a slippery slope and are you willing to give your life for this...forever? That may sound dramatic, but bottom line....she is an adult and MANY people with BP function and support themselves in life. I am sure she could to. Also, there are a lot of ways to care for her without having to continue to stay married and abused by her. These are your choices of course, but I wish you well in your choices as your life counts too.

How you speak to someone is in definitive statements like Serafena shared. i.e. "I will not stand to be spoken to in that manor any more, if you continue, I will walk away from you right now. Do not speak to me like that again. I give respect, I will receive it back or we have nothing to say to each other." Then...walk away if nothing changes. You can not reason with a person like this. There is no room for conversation when they are like that. But the responsibility of how you are treated lies as much with you, as her. Assert your rights and stop enabling her bad behavior and offering your self up as a human whipping post. The more you allow it, the less respect she will have for you anyway. Good luck. LFW
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