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Posted 12/22/2007 6:02 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Everyone,

I can't believe how long it's been since I've posted.  I meant to post an update last weekend, but got busy.  My life has been extremely busy the last little while; mostly with school.

I now have one week off of school for Christmas, so I am glad about that.  My mood though, for the last week or so, hasn't been great.  I'm in my 4th week of Lamictal (75mg a day).  I am supposed to be charting my moods everyday, but being so busy, I haven't been keeping up on that.  Not to mention, it's been really hard to rate my mood.  I've been able to function; go to school, even feel stable at school, but it seems when I come home, my mood has been a little down.  It's not the extreme depression like I was battling with before the meds, but I'm definitely not hypomanic or balanced.

I do have a lot of stressors right now, and I am sure that's what's affecting things.  My pdoc told me to increase my Lamictal if I experience a week or more of depression.  I think after this weekend, if I'm still down, I will go up to 100mg.  Now that I'm writing, I'm realizing just how derpessed I am today.  I am stressed about so many things.  The house is the biggest thing.  I need to clean it today and I just don't have the energy.  I am exhausted from trying to keep this house clean; if it's not clean I am really stressed out.  My back is sore, my neck and shoulder are filled with tension.  I'm just so tired; but I slept all night.  There's another sign of depression right there.  All I feel like doing today is sleeping so that I don't have to think about all that is bothering me.

My bf and I aren't the greatest.  I still feel insecure about us a lot of the time.  Because I hate the way I look, I have such a hard time going out.  And I know that really bothers my bf.  I worry that one day, he just won't want to be with me anymore b/c I don't want to do fun things.  My anxiety gets the best of me most of the time.  Also, a lot of the time these outings involve being out very late at night, and I just can't physically get through a long day and then go out all night.  I am way to tired.  I do try and do some things, and I am proud of myself for that.  I worry basically all the time about what my bf really thinks of me.  I told him this last weekend.  He did tell me he's proud of me for school, and he knows that it's not easy suffering with this condion; he acknowledges that I am probably doing a lot more than most people who are bipolar.  But I wonder how in love with me he is.  I am deeply in love with him, but sometimes I don't get that feeling from him.  The whole thing just makes me so sad.  I'm also stressed about how he wants to buy a house as soon as I am done school and have a job.  I would like to move from where we are now, to a townhouse, rent & save for a year or two at the most, and then plan to buy a house.  And I don't see waiting a year or two as a big deal.  I just feel a lot of pressure because I don't want the stress of trying to buy a house just when I am starting my new career.  I want to have a stable career first, and then move up from there.  I really believe that we don't have the money to own a house right away.  Ugh...I need to stop rambling.  I apologize that this post is so long.  Thanks for reading. sad

 

Posted 12/22/2007 7:53 PM (GMT 0)
Mogli:

I think you can go ahead and increase your dosage, sweetheart. You don't sound so good. Noticing the (probably NOT so) dirty house, your stressing about your appearance, your worrying about buying a house, these things are symptoms of the depression, not the causes of it. You aren't rambling, you're trying to put a face to your sadness. I know how that feels, and it's frustrating, because it doesn't have just one face -- it's got dozens.

Take a few minutes and plan something nice to do for you and your boyfriend. (Maybe a date, say.) Plan it in advance so you can plan on the energy it's gonna take to put on a nice outfit and some makeup. Make it something light though so it won't take tons of energy -- maybe dinner and a movie, something like that. But do something nice for yourself because you really need a pick me up.
Posted 12/22/2007 9:15 PM (GMT 0)

Thanks Serafena,

I did up my dose right after I posted this morning.  Hopefully that will help, but I know it was the right decision.  Thank you for your support on that.

One pick me up I can count on, is seeing my family(mostly my nephew) tomorrow.  We're all having Christmas dinner at my Mom's.  And I am going to do some extreme relaxation tonight.  Bath, candles, crochet, watch TV, have a tea...The house is half way to being done with the cleaning.  My bf just went out to get our groceries.

I am starting to feel like I'm taking control over this depression.  But I know that it's much worse than I thought, so I am going to take baby steps.

Thanks again for getting back to me.  I am definitely in need of some support today.

Posted 12/23/2007 1:57 AM (GMT 0)

Hi Mogli,

It sounds like you know exactly what you have to do.

Taking a relaxing bath w/candles, working on your crochet, watching t.v. and enjoying your tea sounds like a good plan for tonight!

Sometimes we just have all these thoughts racing through our brains and it just drains us of all energy. Sometimes just writing about it, like you did here today helps us really hear/visualize what is exactly happening.

I hope the increase in your med will help you to feel better. Don't give up the fight,...just hang in there kiddo.

Posted 12/23/2007 2:40 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks Sukay,

I didn't get to do any of the relaxing things I wanted to tonight.  And I am going to bed in a few minutes.  I'm feeling really depressed right now; I can't wait to just sleep.  I hope I'm okay to get through being around everyone.  It will be good to see them...I just hate feeling this way.

It's so hard battling through this.  Sometimes I just want to give up; meaning, I don't want to fight it so hard, just give in and sleep, cry, whatever.  I wonder how long it will take for this increase in the dose to start working...

Posted 12/23/2007 6:48 AM (GMT 0)
Mogs, Maybe it would take the pressure off being around everyone if you just told them the truth about how you are feeling right now. Sometimes it helps with the "stiff upper lip" thing to not feel like you have to work so hard to hide the reality of the situation. You don't have to announce it, but perhaps take key people aside and just let them know you have been going through a lot with school and the BP rearing its head while you try to get everything balanced off with new medication, so please excuse you in advance if you spend some time taking breaks from the stimulation from being around so many people at once, and you occasionally go and find refuge in a quite room for a bit here and there. I bet they would be fine with that.

Believe it or not, you are doing better than you think. You are a smart cookie and you just need to stick with the basics...override excessive downward negative stuff, and replace with simple healthy affirmations, songs, books, poems of inspiration, meditations...whatever. Just stick to basics and simple stuff. i.e. You don't need a half-calf-capuccino-fapachino-decalf- with a lemon twist (just to make a point - god knows what that is anyway LOL)....when just a good ole Hot Chocolate with marshmallows would do the trick. And if your head says "I am sad"...you follow it up with "but I am safe and I am loved" – then move on. That sort of thing. Stay focused on the tasks at hand. I bet you were so busy cleaning the house, step by step, that while you were doing it, there wasn't time to do anything but focus on what you were doing. And I am sure you felt the same way as you do now, but your focus was elsewhere. I realize you didn't get your relaxing bath, tea, etc...but focus on how good the sheets feel as you slip under the covers and lay on that comfy bed of yours snuggled in your pillows....YUM! After a long day of work, that ALWAYS feels so good. My H & I call it our AHHHHH moment. Be conscious of your moment...it helps A LOT!

Hang in there and keep up the good work. Step by step the meds will come together and you will level out. BTW, your BF doesn't strike me as a guy who would stay if he didn't want to, nor would he want to buy a house with someone he didn't want to be with (whether you are actually ready to buy one yet or not – and yes, that should CALMLY be discussed some more and maybe there is a compromise of expectations you could find that would work for both of you?). So do your best to let that insecurity stuff go. My H sometimes double guesses me, or tries to find hidden meaning in what I am saying and it drives me crazy. I tend to say what I mean, so when he reinterprets my meaning or accuses me of having hidden agendas, I hate it. If I meant what he was saying....I would have said so to begin with! So, maybe just take your BF when he says he loves you, at face value, and let the rest go. AHHHHHHHHHHHHH…….HUGS...LFW
Posted 12/23/2007 7:43 PM (GMT 0)
Mogli,

I agree with everyone here, you are stronger than you think you are. I know how stressful school can be, and it can also drain a lot of energy from you. You are probably overwhelmed with school and trying to balance real life around it. But hang in there, you are doing better than you think. As everyone else suggested, just take a few moments to relax. We all need that, or we will snap.

I agree with LFW, your BF really cares about you if he keeps sticking around, and wanting to buy a house means he is there to stick around for a while. When things are a little better you should have a talk about how you feel. The key is communication, you can't just leave things bottled up inside.
Posted 12/25/2007 12:31 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks guys.

LFW-I read your post yesterday and what you said about my bf made me feel so much better.  You couldn't have said it better.  He really does love me, and anytime I have voiced my insecurities to him, he assures me how he feels.  When he does that, he means it.  That's the key-You reminded me of that.  He would never say something he didn't mean.  And with all that he does for me, I know he loves me.  From now on, I will try to remind myself of this.

Olivia, I hope you take time to relax over the holidays.  You deserve it.  LFW, you as well--We all do!

Thank you both for reaching out to me.

Today my mood is pretty good.  My bf and I are home together tonight-we just went for a walk; there's snow here-benefit of being Canadian.  Tomorrow we're home together too; just the two of us.  My Mom & Step Dad gave us two champagne classes, candles, and a bottle of champagne for Christmas...So we are going to have a romantic night together tomorrow.  I am really looking forward to it.

I am now at 100mg for my Lamictal, so hopefully that continues to help me.  The only thing at the moment I am worried about is that we have quite a bit of social stuff coming up this week...Ugh, that's that part I hate.

Anyway, happy holidays to all of you :-)

Posted 12/26/2007 5:04 PM (GMT 0)
michelle,

Thank you so much for your kind words; it was such comfort.  Happy Holidays to you and Thumper :-) Pets are the greatest....

I am sorry that you are sad.  I understand that lonely feeling; it's so hard.  I hope you can get together with friends or family over the next few days so you don't feel so lonely.  We are all here for you.  Do you work?  I am sure by the end of the weekend, I am going to be glad to get back to school.  Sometimes structure in our lives is the best thing.

I am not going to worry so much about buying the house.  I know that when I am just starting my new career that my bf will then see it will not be the time to buy a house.  I know our finances and I know that he will see it won't be possible for a little while.  I am going to stay focused on the here and now like you suggested.  I still have 4 months of school, so that is what I will focus on.

Thank you again for your advice.   I hope that you are well today (and all the tomorrows that follow).

Posted 12/28/2007 12:07 AM (GMT 0)

I have officially crashed into a major state of depression.  I cannot believe this.  Why is this happening?  I am so frustrated.  I don't want this to mean that the Lamictal is not working, b/c that's the only med I'm willing to be on.

I don't know if this is all just stemming from all the stress I am feeling with the social outings I have over the next few days, but I am really in bad shape; and did I mention frustrated? mad

Posted 12/28/2007 12:30 AM (GMT 0)
tell yourself now that you don't have to go to the social functions if you don't want to when the time comes. Then try to put it out of your mind and focus on something else. I find that I get anxious about the thought of going moreso then the function itself. Just try to relax, take some deep cleansing breaths.

Good luck to you,
hugs,
getting by
Posted 12/28/2007 7:52 PM (GMT 0)
I think getting by has a point, Mogli. The stress of the upcoming events probably has put a pall over what was definitely a downward trend. Yes, frustrated! Definitely frustrating to have these crummy feelings come back. I'm so sorry. Call your doc. He/she may give you something with the lamictal or up the dosage a little more.
Posted 12/28/2007 8:25 PM (GMT 0)
Mogs...I don't know what else to suggest to you. But I will re-iterate....you are strong...your bf loves you, as well as family and friends. These days will pass. Just keep talking to us and remember all your lines of support. Keep things as stress free as possible. We are thinking of you, and wishing you wellness.

Dutchie
Posted 12/28/2007 10:40 PM (GMT 0)

Thank you all for posting.

I feel like I am on the verge of having a nervous breakdown.  I feel like I am completely going to lose control.  Bf is upset with me tonight.  We're going out for his birthday tonight.  I've had several panic attacks today.  I've been crying off and on.  I am trying really hard to do all the things that all of you have suggested, but I just can't calm down.  I am totally freaking out.  Breathing just isn't enough, nothing is working.  I am so worried I'm not going to be okay when I have to go back to school b/c of all of this tremendous stress.

I feel so awful about myself right now.  I don't remember a time where I was so overwhelmed.  I am trying to invite one of my close friends over tomorrow night, but I'm not sure if I can even get through that.  Maybe that's the wrong thing to do anyway; b/c I need to relax.

I am so confused. sad

Posted 12/28/2007 11:40 PM (GMT 0)
Mogs...Okay...message heard. You are freaking and stressing yourself out. So here is the deal. STOP. I know, too simple to just say. But what I mean is this. I know it is your BF b-day, and you are scheduled to go out, but here is the thing....perhaps you should just wish him a happy b-day and tell him you are so sorry, but you are unable to attend this evening. CALMLY explain you are having difficulty coping and do not want to A) ruin his evening in celebration with his friends, and B) draw attention away from him on his special night and make this about you and your freak out. Explain you are so sorry, if at some point in the evening, you are able to calm yourself down, you will meet up with all of them and join in. Tell him you love him very much and hope he understands. Then, write all this down about how you are feeling to make notes to go and discuss with the pdoc about your medications and how you are doing. Keep taking notes on yourself and only do what you can handle. Hang in there kiddo, you know the right things to do for yourself to get you through...just keep doing them. HUGS...LFW
Posted 12/29/2007 5:56 PM (GMT 0)

LFW-You said it perfectly.  I do need to stop.  Seriously.  I am going to have a talk with my bf tonight.  We did get into a fight last night after we got home (really late).  I ended up crying; I thought I was going to lose control, but I just stayed sort of calm and told him how I was really breaking down with all of this holiday stuff.  He wants to go out for New Years' and I'm not sure what I'm going to do.  The next two days I have nothing scheduled, so if I get to relax and if my mood improves, then I may go with him.  If not though, I may stay home-as much as it's going to hurt not being with him on New Years', I do need to put my health first.  I know he will offer to stay home with me, but I know that's not what he really wants.  He really wants to go out, and if he stayed here with me, it would be very obvious that he would want to be somewhere else-and honestly if that's the case, I would rather be alone.  So- I am going to try to calm down over the next two days.

And, I am making a goal LFW-I am going to do some deep breathing today. 

Anyway, thanks so much for posting.  I am so sorry guys to rant like I do when I'm on the edge. 

Posted 12/29/2007 5:56 PM (GMT 0)
Mogli, how did things go last night? Did you end up going? Are you okay?
Posted 12/30/2007 8:30 PM (GMT 0)

I did go out the other night for my bf's bday, which is today.  It was okay, we were out late.  And we had a fight when we got home.  So...

Then we had a friend over last night, and I am pretty sure that we're going out for New Years' tomorrow night.  All I have to say is---I cannot wait until all of this holiday garbage is over!

I really have not enjoyed my time off from school; except for Christmas day with my bf.  We really had a great day that day (and night).  It was wonderful, the best part of my Christmas.

My mood has improved slightly since I am home today, but I am anxious about tomorrow night.

LFW-I didn't do any deep breathing yesterday.  Ugh, I will try again maybe tonight.  I recall saying I was going to have a bath, light candles, and have a tea--have a very quiet night to myself--about a week ago.  My bf is going out again tonight for his bday with some friends, so I will have the house to myself, and I will do those soothing things to bring myself some peace.

Anyway, I appreciate you all, and you're all in my thoughts.

Posted 1/1/2008 12:10 AM (GMT 0)

Michelle & Everyone,

Michelle-Thanks so much for your post, and prayers.  I really need them right now.  I am seriously having one of the worst times I've had in a long time.  My bf and I have been fighting all day, and I honestly cannot remember all those things we (HW) were all saying over the last week about how he loves me etc.  I know he does; but  I feel like I constantly disappoint him, meanwhile, I am proud of myself for all the efforts I have made over the past several days with all of these outings/social gatherings.

Today, he invited a friend over for New Years' ----without even asking me first!  We have had this friend over here for the last 3 days in a row and to be honest, I didn't want him here tonight, again.  I wanted to be alone with my bf-either that or go to the party that we were supposed to go to.   It just seems that no matter what, we can't do any of the things that are going to be less stressful for me.  He offers to do that, but if I went along with it, he would make it known the entire time how he hated what we were doing.

I don't know what to do anymore.  I cannot wait to go to bed tonight and for all of this holiday stuff to finally, finally end.  I am at the end of my rope; I am shaking so badly, my stomach hurts, I am having constant panic attacks.  I've never felt so bad physically from stress.  I cannot even believe any of this.

There was nothing I could do you guys.  If I said to my bf that I needed to be alone tonight with him, and we ended up doing that-it would be so miserable-he would make me feel so horrible about it.  I have to go through with this tonight.  I am so upset right now.  I think I'll be checking in on HW for some comfort tonight, so if anyone isn't busy and wants to post, it would be much appreciated.  I'll probably come and vent more as well.  It is the only thing that is helping me right now.

Michelle-in answer to your question about school-the thought of going back to school while I am so absolutely stressed out is scaring me right now.  I need more time off to relax.  I have not relaxed almost the entire time that I have been off.  That is really bothering me.  I am so proud of you for looking for a job, and keeping praying that you find one soon.  Thank you so much for sharing the story about your bunny to me; it really made me smile.  I hope you have a good night tonight, just relax, like I said, things are going to definitely get better for you.

To all of my dear HW family-Happy New Year and I hope you all have a wonderful night & much healing for 2008.

Many hugs,

Mogs 

Posted 1/1/2008 5:26 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Mogli:

I'm here for a few minutes, so I'm just checking in to give you a hello and a hug and tell you you're okay. It's all going to be okay. You two are going to have to find a way to work these things out. He's going to have to come to terms with your social anxieties more gracefully (his friend has been there three days!) and you're going to have to get better at stating your needs. You're literally eating yourself up over this. It's so unhealthy and I worry for you. I totally identify, completely. I've absolutely been there and I understand. It's so hard to be the party-pooper, but you're making yourself sick, and that's not okay either. So the key is making plans well in advance which are okay for both of you. If he wants to go out, maybe he's gonna have to do it alone until you get past this stage of your anxiety.

serafena
Posted 1/1/2008 5:17 PM (GMT 0)

Serafena,

Thank you so much for what you said.  It's all so true. 

I feel ashamed that I am not putting myself first, or that I am always doing what he wants.  The only reason I do it, is because I don't want to have to deal with the aftermath--him being mad at me or not having a good time and making me feel bad for it etc.

But that says something right there.  That's terrible that's the way it is.  I should be making changes and he should be making changes.   And honestly the only way I see that happening is if we go into counselling together.  Because, I do try to put my foot down and tell him how I'm feeling, and therefore, I need to slow down--but it only makes him angry.  And you know what, I'm not even sure counselling would help that.  If he resents me for this illness (and that's truly how it feels sometimes) then how can that be turned around?  Honestly I'm sure it could if he would learn more about this illness, try to understand more, if a professional counsellor would guide him to see things about this illness so he could simply have some compassion.  The only problem is, is that he sees all of that as nothing more than someone blaming him or telling him he is awful, or doing wrong.  That's something else that makes him so angry.  It's so frustrating because when I am talking to him about all of this, I make sure that I am clear:  that I am not blaming him, but that I just need some understanding or compassion from him.  Because I don't really blame him; this illness is truly complicated and he's not the one suffering from it, so I don't expect him to be perfect in responding to it all.  That's something else that I express to him as well.

Ugh, anyway, I am really sorry for carrying on in my previous post last night.  My emotions were running high, I was extremely exhausted and just a mess.  Honestly....

Posted 1/1/2008 8:21 PM (GMT 0)
No need for apologies, and no need to feel ashamed -- absolutely not. I can totally relate. I know that gnawing feeling completely and it sucks. He wants to do right by you. I believe that. But this may just be one area where he has a blind spot. A lot of people have this idea that when we have social anxieties we need to just "get out and get over it." I don't know if that's how he is, but I know a lot of people have this "awww, you'll be fine," attitude. Like, "you'll have a good time once you're out." I know my husband used to say that to me. But no, I wouldn't. And then neither of us would. He grew up in a very social family: My inlaws would have people over at their house all the time, and they have social engagements every weekend -- sometimes two or three a week. I can't do that. I eventually had to start saying, don't invite people over without asking me, and you're welcome to go out without me, but I always reserve the right to bow out gracefully.

I do have some room for social outlets. I like dinner parties at my house. I like going out for dinner or a few drinks in small batches with my close friends. But then I need time to recover before I do it again -- like at least a week. I can't play all weekend. I need my space and to rest afterward. It took me a long time to figure out what my boundaries are. It took him a long time to stop trying to change them. We do okay now. Be really clear with your bf. "Here's what I like. Here's what I don't. Don't invite people to the house for extended visits without asking me and I won't either. You're welcome to go out when I don't feel like it, but you have to understand that I won't always feel like going out." I know you don't want to sound like you're blaming him, so be gentle, but be direct.

I'm sorry you had such a crummy New Year. Mine was very boring. I watched Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, knitted, did my very best to stay awake, kissed my dh, and went to bed at 12:10 am. :-)
Posted 1/4/2008 12:44 AM (GMT 0)

Serafena-Thank you so much for your post.  It honestly sounds like you had a relaxing New Years' Eve.  Michelle-I am thinking of you and thank you for your warmth.  It means so much to me.

I am going to set things in motion for me and my bf to find a way to work through this stuff together, better.  I've done a lot of reading and bipolar couples need to do the work at finding a way to live together and deal with the illness effectively.  This involves routines, boundaries, communication regarding our needs etc.  And this is something that is going to take a very long time to develop, but I know we can do it. 

I met with my support worker yesterday and she wants me to ask my bf if we would accept a call from her sometime in the near future.  The call is simply so that she can explain that her organization has counselling available to spouses of bp/anxiety.  I've already mentioned counselling to him; just so he can talk about how this affects him etc.  This outlet may be better b/c the counsellor is so familiar with bp and mental illness.  In the past when we've talked about this, he is a little apprehensive, but not totally opposed.  And when I am going to ask him about my worker talking with him, it's going to be made clear that it's a phone call for him, and that it's not something he has to decide right away.  It's only so she can explain what is available.

Meanwhile, I have had terrible panic attacks all day today; at school, now at home.  Ugh.  Still exhausted, but I feel extremely anxious, and honestly I'm not quite sure what that's about.  Maybe 'cause I'm still not feeling great I guess?  I did call my pdoc yesterday....ever so patiently waiting to hear back....I left a message with his secretary about my depression, and wanting to up my Lamictal again.  I will call again tomorrow to follow up.  Need to get this under control.

Being back at school has been a huge struggle.  Especially with this anxiety today.  Anyway, thinking of you all....

Posted 1/5/2008 7:15 AM (GMT 0)
Mogs, the fact that you have to up the lamical again I don't view as a bad thing at all. When we were doing the step by step, inching our way up with my S, with the new dose he would feel so much better for a bit, and then it would go off again...and then we had to take the next step up...over and over again. Eventually, after going SO slowly in order to hit the EXACT correct dose perfect for HIM, didn't have the drop after a few weeks and it just stayed level. That is how we knew we had hit it exactly. Now that isn't to say occasionally we don't have to shift a little up, a little down (he is a hormonal teen after all...and let me tell you THAT is fun!!!!!!!!!!! LOL). But it is minor, the cocktail is working. So, you are just inching up to YOUR exact dose. It is a PAIN when the pdoc's don't call back right away to authorize the step up. I would call the pdoc again, and just say you MUST hear from him for just a moment of his time - there is a problem. It is VERY important, and not explain more until he calls. I find when I speak to much to the support personnel, somehow what I want to relay doesn't always make it. But just saying "there is a problem, I MUST hear from him right away, it will just take a moment"....gets me the call. And he has NEVER said to me he felt misled by me saying that.

As to your BF and you. I think that is a REALLY good plan of action. Good luck with it.

Sending you sunshine (it is POURING rain here and creeping into the house under doors because there is so much rain all of a sudden, and they say it will go on for 3 days....VERY unusual for So. California!!!!!!!!!) anyway... HUGS to you....LFW
Posted 1/5/2008 10:00 PM (GMT 0)

Thank you LFW & Michelle.

It is a great plan of action for me and my bf, but I don't know if I'm being realistic in thinking that he will work with me on it.

I'm actually wondering today what's going to happen with us.  I just don't know.  I think I better stop right there, because the thoughts in my head could very well be the depression talking.  Because right now, I don't see us staying together.

As for my pdoc/meds.  They got back to me and I'm going up another 25mg; therefore now taking 125mg a day.  We shall see.  I have now been depressed for almost 4 weeks straight.

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