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Breast Cancer
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Posted 9/30/2008 10:35 AM (GMT 0)
I've taken to wandering the halls and rooms of my house in the middle of the night.  When the external stimuli is gone and it is just me and the quite, and the pain, and the mind that will not rest, I roam.  First I down more morphine to releive the pain, then roam until it kicks in and I can attempt sleep again

First I sneak quietly upstairs to my sons room, he is so peaceful looking and his breathing is deep and soft.  There is no trace of those eleven year old shoulders slightly hunching over from the weight of his mother dying.  He's not watching me, hovering around; "mama, want some water?",  "You should lie down, you've been doing to much today.",  "Let me make dinner, I'm really good.  Do you want your eggs scrambled or dippy?"  My heart breaks that I am taking away some of his youth, making him face things children should not have to face.  Having him feel he needs to protect me, I WANT AND NEED TO PROTECT HIM!

My son is a clone of my husband.  We've been married 18 years, he is a big, strong man, an ex-linebacker.  I make him cry.  I hear him when he doesn't think I'm around.  He's taken to buying me things, a Vespa, tennis shoes, remodeling the family room in the house (the kitchen is next), a car that he thinks will be more comfortable for me.  I don't want any of it.  I smile, tell him thank you and see the fear in his eyes when he looks at me.

Friends are afraid to call, they don't want to bother me.  I don't blame them, they have started to define me by my cancer not by who I really am.  Yes, my appearence is different, bald, skinny but puffy from the steriods.  Run down from the weekly chemo sessions.  But, I am still the same person.  I still love to laugh, have drinks, smoke expensive sweet skinny cigars with my girlfriends, draw, listen to Johnny Mathis.

It was taking longer for the meds to kick in tonight, so I roamed here.  Cancer really sucks, I would strangle it with my bare hands for what it has done to my dear, dear family, if only I could!

I was just wondering if there were anymore roamers out there in the middle of the night?   God Bless Us All

Posted 9/30/2008 12:57 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Stomper....Oh yes there are many middle of the night roamers..I remember my 1st round of chemo...I would come to the board and spend time answering posts. Being so quiet it gave me time to think about what I would say in my answers. I would go back an hour later to change something I had said in a post and sure enough there would be answers to some of my middle of the night ramblings. Never feel alone,most of us here have felt as you feel.


We also want to protect our children. We dont want to see our partners tears. I dont want to see my friends  faces...the sad look...knowing they cant help either. I also have lost friends, even a very dear one who is a survivor herself. I think watching me go thru stage 4 was much to hard for her so she has distanced herself also. That broke my heart.

The meds dont seem to be helping me these days, but the love & support of my family & friends that are still around is getting me thru the long nights.

please remember that there are other roamers out there..maybe one night I will catch you.

Hugs,

Cathi

Posted 9/30/2008 2:30 PM (GMT 0)
I don't wander in the night and I am looking my 70th birthday in the eye wondering as I read both your posts why so many younger women have had to suffer so. I was following you through your post, Stomper as you passed through the rooms and looked at your son and husband. I'm sure my daughter does the same, I know she is up at all hours because she is also Stage IV with breast cancer in her bone marrow. She is very strong and doesn't want anyone to fuss over her or even ask how she is feeling. She is "JUST FINE". I don't call her to not bother her either but wait for her to call me when she is ready. Perhaps that is what your friends are doing, waiting for you to call them. Believe me they are suffering with you wishing they could do something, even take your place as I would gladly do for my daughter. I have lived seeing her mature into a fine young woman, seeing her two older children grow up and even have babies of their own. She has two younger children, a son who is exceptionally gifted in music who dreams of going to Julliard, playing in a world class symphony some day, and an ornery 13 year old girl who will be a beauty but probably a be handful in high school.

And Cathi, you have been our special friend over the years! How we all wish we could help you more! You have Helped so many deal with their own breast cancer, just by being yourself and fighting a good fight! Your kind words and love to all of us have shown through over the years.

My love and prayers for all our sisters and daughters who live through cancer hell!
MK
Posted 9/30/2008 4:15 PM (GMT 0)

My toughest time while I was going through chemo was the middle of the night.  I was okay during the day with day to day activities.  But the nights were too long.  That is when my brain would kick into overdrive. I would look at my baby girl and cry.  I would look at my Tony and worry.   I too would turn on the computer and type away.  Some of my best posts were 3:00'ers. 

I am sorry you are going through all this.  I keep thinking by now there would be a cure or at least something that would give us an extra 30 years.  I don't understand any of this and it seems like we are chasing for that pot of gold under the rainbow.   

As for your friends, give them a call if you want to talk.  or come on the board here.  I had a friend who told me when I told her I wanted to call her but I did not want to interrupt if she was sleeping or resting.  She told me call anyways.  If she felt like talking she would pick up the phone.   

Cathi  -- I am sorry to hear about your friend.  From trying to talk to Chris it was hard for me because I felt so darn guilty that she was dying and I was okay.  I didn't call as often as I should have.  It is hard to believe that she has been gone over a year now.  I pray for her daughters. 

Posted 9/30/2008 8:44 PM (GMT 0)

Your not alone up in the middle of the night and I'm not fighting breast cancer although I had a scare in July and I have to be rechecked in Feb.  at the same time my husband was diagnosed with prostate cancer. Nighttime comes and I can't sleep and I work full time. One comment you made hit home, people do seem to distance themselves from you when you have cancer like they can catch it from you or something. At first I thought I was imagining it but it's true. It seems just when you need to talk to someone, no one wants to talk about it with you. That's why I find these boards so helpful you can talk to people who understand and don't treat you like you have some contagious desease.  

Gail

Posted 9/30/2008 9:36 PM (GMT 0)
Well, i am sitting here having myself a good pity party and clicked on here. I am watching the Oprah show about Breast Cancer. It is supposed to help and it has in some ways but in others it has made me more scared. I go Friday for a biopsy and they will be draining a big cyst. They tell to try not to worry but everything I here has me worried. Four people on my mom's side have had cancer (three breast cancer). Two of them have died years ago. A lady on the show said she just had a feeling that she had Cancer. That is the way I feel. I keep telling everyone it will be fine and I can handle it or it won't be cancer but I don't really feel that way. this is just a bad day. I woke up with a migraine (I have them quite often.) I am aggravated because it has put me in bed all day.
I am often up at night too. I have four kids, and two grandchildren. During the day I stay so busy with my boys I don't usually have time to worry. I work in kindergarden, go to school, and have two teenage boys (one in band, and one in football). Thank God for my husband. I have been with him 20 years, even though I am only 39. I had my first two kids the easy way: I married my husband. The best way to have kids, you don't have to gain weight. My middle son has a pacemaker since he was three. He is 15 now and does anything he wants. He is often an inspiration.Anyway I get off track sometimes.
You people here have been an inspiration to know life goes on. I was wondering what people do on nights and days like this. It is hard not being the strong one, we think we are suppose to be. My husband is doing lots of things for me. Like I am made of glass. I caught him crying the other day. He said he wasn't going to live without me. I laughed and told him I would be fine. We have a running joke that when I die I would cut off my breast and butt because that is where his hands stay. I told him I was just doing it early. I also said I wouldn't mind new ones.
My biggest fear is if it is in the lymph nodes. With the conomy the way it is how can we afford for me to be sick.
You feel quilty for all that your son has to deal with but you shouldn't (even though as a mother you can not help it.) My son Jeremy has had a pretty normal life but with a pacemaker he has to deal with being different. I have tried hard not to treat him different so he is pretty normal. In middle school was the first time he really realized that there are things he cannot do. He wanted to go into the Navy because his uncle joined. When I told him he couldn't he wanted to know why. When I told him because he has a pacemaker he said but you have alwasy told me I could do anything I wanted to do. He was very mad for a while and I had to get his counselor at school to talk to him. He has since found out he is very good at music, this has made life better for him. He has asked if I thought he would be good at football ( all the boys in our family have played football). His younger brother Joseph spoke up and told him that music was his thing and football was his. He was happy with that. I am blessed with very good kids, everyone says so. I wonder sometimes though.
Anyway i told you about my son to try to show you that because your son has learned to help you and he sees you going through what you do and I am sure you show him sooooo much love, he will be a better person because of it. As long as they are showed love and that they are worth being loved they will do great things.
Thanks for your posting, it helped put me in a better frame of mind.
Ellen
Posted 10/3/2008 3:47 AM (GMT 0)
Stomper

 

I have always had a tough time sleeping thru the night and have insomnia alot. When I was going thru chemo I was up almost everynight. I would get on my computer and write to the ladies here, I had the best support group in the women here.

Im sorry for all that you are going thru, talk to the ladies here they are a wealth of information.

 

Hugs to you Bernadette

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