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Posted 12/8/2004 6:43 AM (GMT 0)
I am the husband of a recently diagnosed breast cancer wife.... looking for more information.

Is this forum for spouses too? Don't want to step on any toes!

Frank
Posted 12/8/2004 9:04 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Frank, welcome. We are here for you if there is anything we can do to help. I think it is very nice that you are looking for help for your wife and yourself. Any questions, feel free to ask. There are lots of great ladies here,with lots of knowledge and experience. Tell us your story if you feel comfortable doing so. You can read the roll call at the top of the page and get a lot of info on us. Let us know what we can do. L&H, Gail

Posted 12/8/2004 11:57 AM (GMT 0)
Frank, we usually do not have men here, but you are sure welcome! Sorry for your wife's situation, but please know you and she are not alone! We can help offer insight as to what your wife might be going through. You may check American Cancer SOciety or Gilda's Club to see if they have groups for spouses, or you may find 'caregiver' boards out there too.

We'll help if we can-
Lori
Posted 12/8/2004 12:41 PM (GMT 0)
Frank, we have had a lot of men or their wives looking for a place for them to get support. I have asked many times that husbands think of starting a support group. We are able to answer many of your questions but I am thinking in terms of from the male prospective. I have seen so many husbands, special friend, friends and family that refuse to deal with any of this. Any husband who is there for his wife is a special man and anything we can do to help I am sure we would all do anything we can to help. My brother had his wife, sister, and a wonderful MIL all diagnosed at about the same time. I realized then that men needed someone to talk to that had been there just the same way women do. If there is something you need help with I know we would be glad to ask the males in our life what they think. Who knows, maybe you will be the one to start that support group for men. In the mean time let us know if we can help.
Posted 12/8/2004 1:19 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Frank... my name is Bob. Several years ago, my wife was diagnosed with BC (on my birthday no less!), was told it was very aggressive and needed to be operated on and have the breast removed within a week or two at the most. It was my wife's attitude of "let's get on with it" that helped ME to cope. Soon we were spending more time together...quality time..... As she went through cemo afterwards,I made sure I was there for ALL her treatments... nothing was more important.. especially because it continued to help her to cope, and to know WE  were in this thing together! Long story short, it's been 10 years now and I couldn't love her more. I found out during these last 10 years just how unimportant it was that she only had one breast. She still had her HEART...the thing she could continue to share with me. Now 10 years later, I have prostate cancer is it's worst form, with perhaps another year on this side of creation,at age 57. My wife is by MY side, just as I was by HERS. Believe that she will get well, and she will. God's blessings on both of you, and all others who might be faced with cancer. Bob.
Posted 12/8/2004 1:26 PM (GMT 0)
Step on all the toes you want. You sound like a good man that wants to support his wife. We will help all we can. Thoughts and prayers to both of you, Candy
Posted 12/8/2004 1:38 PM (GMT 0)
Frank, I'm with Candy, step on all the toes you want. You are certainly welcome here. There may be other boards but I haven't found one. It would be easy for you to open on on MSN; but, in the meantime, post here and we will try to help you and your wife all we can.

 

And to Bob, you are welcome to vent, share your treatments, or anything else you want to talk about and we will do whatever we can to help you. We don't know prostrate cancer (most of us anyway) but we do know the emotional problems just having cancer gives us.

 

May God bless both of you and your families.

 

Welcoming Hugs, Jo-Ann

Posted 12/8/2004 3:07 PM (GMT 0)
Welcome to both Bob and Frank. I think it is marvelous that you are so supportive of your wives. I think there is plenty of room here for you to post, and I have no problem with it.

Bob, prayers for you and your wife at this difficult time. So sorry that this vicious beast has invaded your lives once again. Hugs, Lauri
Posted 12/8/2004 3:44 PM (GMT 0)
Hi

It sure is nice hearing from some men...Being supportive and understanding is the best medicine.
Please feel free to ask any questions you want at any time....

Cathi
Posted 12/8/2004 4:50 PM (GMT 0)
Welcome, Gentlemen!

It's so nice to see men who are all about supporting their wives through this troubling time. And it's good for us to hear a different perspective from time to time. I'm single and went through my treatments alone pretty much, so I encourage others to get all the support they can. Sounds like two ladies are very lucky. Bob, I'll be praying for you.

Glad you found us.

Hugs,
Rita
Posted 12/8/2004 5:00 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you all so much...

Rather than retype it alll.... here is the email I sent to my family yesterday... kind of says it all and gives you a flavor for who we are:

Hello all,

I know that sending an email is not the best way to disseminate information like this, but it seems to work pretty well for our family, so here goes.

Linda had an abnormal mammogram and ultrasound last week and had to have a needle biopsy of a suspicious lump in her breast. They were also concerned about the lymph node under her arm so they biopsied that too.

We got the results yesterday and it is a good news/bad news thing. The bad news is that they did find malignant cancer cells in the breast lump. But the good news is that there is no sign of it spreading to the lymph nodes.
We also caught it early, which makes a difference.

We are going to speak to a surgeon on Monday to get more information, but from what we surmise so far, it will mean having a lumpectomy to remove the lump and perhaps some chemotherapy and other pharmaceuticals to bolster that. But again, we don't really have all the information yet and I will certainly keep everyone posted (or as Linda says, keeping everyone abreast of it...).

No, we haven't lost our sense of humor. Last night for dinner we had boob-shaped pasta with chicken breasts. As her Cousin Florence (in her 90's) was fond of saying whenever chicken was served, "Each part strengthens a part". We can only be grateful it wasn't rectal cancer.

We also got the results from our cat's urine test on the same day, and unless there was a cosmic screwup, we're pretty sure it's Calvin whose kidney's are functioning normally and Linda has the breast cancer diagnosis.

Also, we have not told Caitlin and Justin [bc folks: my kids, 14 and 16, living across the country] yet as we want to have more information before we speak to them personally.

Love,

Frank

Post Edited (FrankB) : 12/8/2004 11:42:39 AM (GMT-7)

Posted 12/8/2004 6:36 PM (GMT 0)
Hey three guys posting on our board all at once. Frank and Bob, thank you for being so supportive of your wives. My husband was, too, but believe it or not many men are not. Sorry to hear of your prostate problems, Bob. My husband had a biopsy last year and it was negative, however his PSA is still elevated and the urologist is seeing him twice a year yet. I hope the one year deadline proves to be untrue. We have had women given deadlines like that and they have proven the guessers to be wrong. Jo-Ann has lived seven years beyond her "date" and altho she is not the picture of robust health, she gets around. We travel together occasionally.  We believe a sense of humor is really necessary and it sounds like you and your wife are doing well laughing instead of crying. Your dinner sounds very appropriate. LOL.  Thanks, Frank, I edited my post, too. 

Prayers for all of you, MK
Posted 12/8/2004 8:56 PM (GMT 0)
Frank-
welcome to the board and i am sorry you (and linda) have to be here. The ladies here are really special though, and have alot of information to offer. i just have to say that your email is heartwarming and the part about the cat is downright hilarious...keep that sense of humor, it will carry you so far in this journey! please let us know how linda is doing and you are a wonderful person to be so supportive of her at this time.

hugs to both of you!
stefanie
Posted 12/9/2004 2:18 AM (GMT 0)
LOL. Cat urine and boob shaped pasta. You sound like my kind of people. Hang in there. The support my husband gave me is priceless. I love him more for it everyday. We are some lucky women who have men like you. Candy
Posted 12/9/2004 8:14 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you everyone for the incredible welcome.

We talk to the surgeon on monday... but one thing I am interested in hearing about from those of you with experience... what questions should we ask right now? It's hard to even know where to start... and you don't often have all the time in the world with the doctor.

Thanks in advance....

Frank
Posted 12/9/2004 8:51 AM (GMT 0)
Frank, I know you will get lots of recommended questions to ask from the ladies here and I HIGHLY RECOMMEND taking a tape recorder. Ask the Dr if it is ok (I don't know of any that have ever said no) and that way you can re-listen to it when your mind is not so boggled with info coming at you. Also, I recommend getting copies of the pathology report and any test results. My surgeon finally just copied my whole file for me cause I kept asking for copies of things, LOL! As I said you should be getting plenty of suggestions, and I wish you all the best. Gail
Posted 12/9/2004 4:34 PM (GMT 0)
Frank,

I agree with Gail. A tape recorder is good...also make a list of any questions you may have. There
are no stupid questions, so ask away....and yes, get copies of all your tests and pathology reports
and keep a file....After the surgery you will be seeing an Oncologist. He/she will be handling
your wifes protocal...So that will be anoher whole set of questions. By the way, did they tell
you how large the tumor is ?

Hugs

Cathi
Posted 12/9/2004 4:52 PM (GMT 0)
If she is given the choice for lumpectomy or mastectomy, you may want to ask about odds or survival rates for both. When I had to make some decisions, I asked if they were comfortable or would recommend the same for their wives or daughters. Definitely ask about the sentinel node biopsy instead of the full node dissection. While she may need the full one later, start with the least invasive. Getting a copy of the path report and any other reports is key too...I carried all my stuff in a big folder to each doctor. I also support the use of a tape recorder, and found it invaluable. I went in with lists and did not have to worry about writing down the answers.

You will also need to know the hormone receptor status, which has treatment implications. She may be referred to a radiation onc and a medical onc too, and may be referred for more tests (such as a bone scan).

There are some good books that help explain the path report. Susan Love's Breast Book and the BC Survival Manual (Dr Link) cover these very well.

Good luck!
Lori
Posted 12/10/2004 5:09 AM (GMT 0)
Hi there gentlemen all!
I just wanted to say how supportive you are being Frank and to reiterate what the others have said that it helps HEAPS to have a spouse who will "walk the road" too. This is a journey none of us wanted to make but there are blessings along the way. Believe me.. learning what true love really is - not to mention the marriage vows of in sickness & in health..... but I won't go on. I was and am still blessed with a hubby who has truly walked the path with me and it has brought us even closer together. We have been sweethearts since I was 15 yrs old BTW I LOL about the cat!
Lots of luv fm down under (NZ)
Kath
Posted 12/10/2004 8:26 PM (GMT 0)
I also just got the Breast Cancer Husband book... fabulous and a delight to read. But note, he DOES say it's a valid excuse for me to go buy a new car. ;)

He has a great sense of humor but also gives very practical hands-on advice.
Posted 12/10/2004 11:07 PM (GMT 0)
I didn't know there was such a book. That is great to hear. Where did you get it and who is the author? I bet it would help lots of husbands. Thanks Mary K.
Posted 12/10/2004 11:12 PM (GMT 0)
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/1579548334/102-9832200-7160937?v=glance
Posted 12/11/2004 12:59 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you, Frank, it does sound like it would be a great help to a husband or probably other family members, even. There is a bookstore associated with Healingwell and possibly this book could have been found there, I will check and see. Really appreciate your input. Mary K.
Posted 12/11/2004 1:09 AM (GMT 0)
Yes the book Frank mentioned is listed under the bookstore. I kept looking until I looked at over 1000 book titles all about breast cancer. There was another called Diary of a Breast Cancer Husband. I thought that was rather a strange title, is the wife called Breast Cancer? Anyhow, I saw many titles of books we have talked about and read over the years plus a thousand more. So anyone looking for a book should check this out, the books actually come from Amazon and possibly other places, but ordered through here helps support the Healingwell Site. Mary K.
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