HealingWell
Search Close Search
☰

Scared

Support Forums
>
Breast Cancer
✚ New Topic ✚ Reply
❬ ❬ Previous Thread |Next Thread ❭ ❭
Posted 1/14/2005 9:12 PM (GMT 0)

Hi everyone! I just want to say first, God Bless everyone here who give hope, support and sincere love and understanding.. and God be with those in pain (emotional and physical) and fear...

 

I haven't logged on in over 6 months, was intensly preoccupied with someone who I grew to love dearly, more than just a friend.. Sadly tho, I found that my life was becoming to much to bear and I didn't want to see him go through his young, carefree life taking care of me and what I've gone through and the future it brings.. So instead of letting him know my present news, I broke up with him using other reasons to say why we couldn't be together.. It hurt deep to see him go, but I believed and still do that he deserves so much more.. He knew that I had Crohn's and even seen the "crap" I had to deal with everyday, and was ready to walk with me through it.. It wasn't easy for me tho, even tho I could deal with it, I felt guilty he had to also.. Im extremely stubborn and I guess a little low on the self esteem - anyone got a cure for that?

 

Anyway, about 2 months ago I noticed the lump in my breast felt different and my nipple was extremely itchy and instead of dealing with it, I focused more on the holiday season trying to enjoy every moment and would go to see the doc first thing this year~ They had convinced me that it was benign and not to worry about it, and I went against my better judgement and believed them.. About a week ago, I went to feel it and it wasn't there! For a split second, I was excited but felt around more and noticed it wasn't gone it just moved right behind my nipple.. so I made an appt and had an ultrasound yesterday, doc called me first thing this morning to let me know the tumor has changed in size and they want to do an ultrasound guided biopsy asap.  I'm afraid.

 

I've dealt with alot of physical ailments, surgeries and even tho crohn's is debilitating, I've never have feared it would threaten my life.. I had a doc once tell me it's alot like what cancer patients have to go through in the idea that, you lose your dignity having to go through tests, try new drugs that have a ton of side effects, and even though you don't lose your hair well, like a cancer patient your body does go through a tremendous amount of pressure, weight gain, weight loss.. and your veins become brittle because of not being able to digest b-vitamins, you also can get anemic causing fatigue and of course depression... Family and friends don't know how to relate to you, because they can't possibly understand what your going through and usually flee from anything that would be considered a topic of death.. Very few people who you can confide in, ~can~ because they've experienced something similiar or know someone that has and you become close and hold tight..

 

I know I'm blabbering and I usually do when I get nervous, but I am trying to see this for what it is, another trial of life WE all have to go through in one way or another.. For some people, who have never had some physical ailment finding this out would be extremely frightening, and believe you, me! ~heck I can't type without shedding a tear right now..and I've been on my death bed a couple of times... but I'm trying to stay courageous and optimistic, right now it's~a biopsy.. no sense in worrying myself sick wondering what it could be or what happens next.. Just trying to stay here in the ~now, keepin the moment real.. I've come along way in dealing with my crohn's, was in denial for years.. Afraid of the unknown mainly and after learning that if you can understand what it is that your going through, the fear lessens.. This might sound funny but I have a tattoo now that says in another language of course, I heard it when I was a kid and it stuck with me~literally!

Nothing in life is to be feared~ it is only to be understood. 

 

I'm gonna go take a long hot bath now, pray, pray some more, go eat a LARGE pizza by myself and maybe drink a beer (don't drink, but always heard pizza and beer go good together :-) )

I'll be around, a bit later tonight if there are chats going on.. in the meantime..your all in my prayers!!!

 

sincere love, and compassion!

Jenny

Posted 1/14/2005 11:29 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Jenny, I remember when you posted before. We always tell women not to let doctor's guess there is nothing wrong when there is a lump. But at least now you are going to have some proper care, I hope. A biopsy is the only way to truly know what that lump is. Remember that..................... A biopsy is not difficult to deal with, especially when you have lived with Crohn's and some of your other problems. So have your pizza and whatever, I am one who cannot stand even the smell of beer, so I would have some soda or iced tea with mine. Relax, don't worry until you KNOW you have something to worry about. Come back and tell us about your doctor's visit and we will try to help dicipher it all. Hugs MK
Posted 1/15/2005 12:37 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Jenny,
I remember you. I'm giving you a hug now but I'd rather share the pizza and beer with you. Mine was always Jack Daniels after a hospital appointment and I really don't drink either. Just puts me to sleep.
We have a similar situation. I also broke off an engagement after my cancer came back for the second time. I will be praying for you. We can talk anytime you would like. I have tons of cell minutes and would call you. Love, Di
Posted 1/15/2005 2:43 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you Gma for the hug!  I did have a wonderful bath and relaxed.. No pizza or beer in my fridge and it's about -4 degrees out and snowin bad or I woulda ordered in, oh well good ol' can of chicken noodle sounds good anyways.. hehee 

I'm trying not to think about it, somewhere inside I know I'm screaming, yelling.. throwin a fit, but on the outside I'm kinda numb so guess thats good for now :-)

 

Di, hug's right back at ya! I would like to talk to ya, they wanted me to go in this afternoon, so I asked 'whats the haste?' She paused and said would you like some time? I said maybe a little so they scheduled for this coming thursday, at 2:30..  I have soo many questions, about the procedure...

1. why do they use a guided ultrasound, when its close to the skin.

2. biopsy, doc said they were just gonna take it all out... I thought biopsy was a tiny piece.. my lump is the size of a large grape!

3. kinda freaked because they said it'll take about 1 1/2 hours, I'd assume it'd take less~ just go in- take it- and get out!  So of course my logical paranoid mind thinks, maybe its worse than I thought =\

 

Now I have to wait till monday to know the answers, So I've decided just go about life as I have been doing..... just hate those feelings when your alone and its getting close to bedtime and all those negative thoughts start invading your mind of all the what-ifs :(

 

time for yoga or relaxation to clear those thoughts~

Posted 1/15/2005 3:36 PM (GMT 0)
Jenny I know you have a lot to deal with and being afraid is normal.  But try to relax, remember what your tattoo is telling your.  Understanding is the answer.  I would have had that beer and pizza with you.  I love beer and pizza together.  But, I like cold pizza in the morning with milk.  Yum! Hang in there and keep us informed.  I will have you in my prayers. Love and hugs, Candy
Posted 1/16/2005 1:59 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Jenny. I don't normally post here but was just browsing active threads and came upon this one. I know it's easy for me to say as I am the queen of worry but I had an ultrasound guided biopsy a few years ago. They put a wire in the lump using the ultrasound as a guide so the dr. knows where it is when he cuts. Mine turned out to be a fibroanginoma (I think that's what he called it anyway) but it appeared one month then started changing and growing. I was a nervous wreck for the week after the operation until I got the results. Chances are on your side that all will be fine. I pray things turn out in your favor :-)
Posted 1/16/2005 8:17 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Jenny,

What he wants to do is called an exise biopsy, I think. They will probably remove it because it is so close to the skin. But they can't see through the skin, so they need to do the ultrasound so they know exactly where they're going. I don't think you'd want them to poke around without the ultrasound. LOL It might take them longer because they have to wait for pathology, I'm guessing, and to make sure they leave clean margins. These are very important things, and not to be rushed.

I, too, broke off a relationship when I found out I had cancer. Fighting this disease took all my effort, and he was kinda high-maintenance. Yet another reason to hate this freakin cancer. Oh, well.

Good luck. Hope this helps some.

Hugs,
Rita
Posted 1/16/2005 11:50 PM (GMT 0)
You too huh, Rita. Jenny, do you have my email? If you email your number to me I will call you. I didn't have that kind of biopsy though. Both times, they put me to sleep and took out part or all of it. Maybe they aren't as worriled about you and that's why they are doing it this way. Love, Di
Posted 1/18/2005 9:43 AM (GMT 0)
Hi thank you all for your input on how it's done, i was worried prolly for the worst that one of the reasons they were doing it was because it was more serious than they were letting up on..
Thank you Rita, Softy, & Candy~ helped me alot!! TY TY TY!

Di, i checked your profile and it doesnt give any email :(
Posted 1/18/2005 11:25 PM (GMT 0)
OK, how do I get into profile and I will add my email. I didn't realize that it wasn't there. Di
Posted 1/18/2005 11:31 PM (GMT 0)
Well, I found the profile but can't where it says to edit the profile. di mad
Posted 1/19/2005 12:26 AM (GMT 0)
Di, See control panel by login and click. Then go to edit profile. Hugs MK
Posted 1/19/2005 12:44 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you gma, I love you!
Jenny, you can email me now if you wish. Sure am glad I know that now and fixed it.
Posted 1/19/2005 1:34 AM (GMT 0)
I see it! k gonna email you after I post :)

Thanks again Gma for helpin out ...

I did something really silly today, my mom and I went to the beauty supply store and when we were there, I decided why not dye my hair? Asked the lady what would be the best highlighter and she pointed me in the right direction... funny thing is I've had fun with my hair doing all kinds of crazy things but this hit the top of the list today, we came back to my house and started the process after i bent over to rinse my hair, my mom BURSTS out laughing...!! I couldnt see because i was still rinsing my hair, she couldnt stop and I knew then it was funky.. so i stood up and looked in the mirror and 2 inches of my roots were pure white and the rest was a very neon orange.. I ABOUT FAINTED!! I went back and got something to fix it, but we musta laughed for about 2 hours ... off and on, if I seen a sign on the street ~ even remotely close to orange I'd point and we'd giggle again.. Oh what a day, kinda was nice to get my mind off of things.... tehehehee
✚ New Topic ✚ Reply