PLEASE HELP ME...

Thank you everyone.  You will never know how much I appreciate all of the advice and support.

You must all be losing patience with me by now.....but I hope that is not the case, and that you will all continue to respond to my posts.

Someone mentioned that some folks with chronic pain double up on their meds when they're having a bad pain day.  I'm sure that is quite different than what my husband does, as he doubles up the first two weeks of each month.  He tells me that his doctor will not increase his dose of oxycodone so that he can have adequate pain control all month long, so he feels he HAS to do what he is doing.  His doctor told him when he first began to prescribe for him that he would never increase the oxycodone.  My husband told me that his doctor told him that once he reached a tolerance point on the oxycodone and that the amount he was prescribing no longer controlled his pain, that he would at that point wean my husband off of the oxycodone until his tolerance decreased.  Once his tolerance decreased, he would then put him back on the 3-15 mg. tabs daily.  This is why my husband tells me he has taken matters into his own hands.  He does not like taking the methadone with the oxycodone.  He had his last script filled on March 28th, and told me this morning that he is already out of the oxycodone.  Now it's not even lasting him two weeks anymore.  The other thing I've noticed is that when he's taking the oxycodone, he's up all night, and when he's out of the oxycodone he comes to bed and sleeps through the night.  

I asked him when he told me he was out of the oxycodone already, what he plans to do when it doesn't even last him a week or ten days.  In a joking manner, he told me he didn't know, maybe go on the streets and buy heroin for his pain control.  I started to cry, and he told me to lighten up and not take him so seriously.

Would y'all please give comment on the above paragraph where I've explained what he told me about taking matters into his own hands in an effort to control his pain, and also please comment on whether or not you believe what he told me about his doctor weaning him off oxycodone when his tolerance increases and then starting him on it again.

Thank you all so very much.

I remember these same questions and responses when you first posted months ago. It doesn't sound as if you have made any decisions since then, nor have you made up your mind about whether his drug use is abuse. Nothing appears to have changed in your life. I also recall when that thread ended, you said you had a plan to deal with the abuse and were ready to execute it. That's the last I remember hearing from you. I guess you stood down?

You have the same choices before you now that you did then. (1) Leave things as they are and don't challenge your husband. Live your life and ignore the elephant sitting in your living room. (2) Get it through your head that hubby is an active, but functioning, drug addict who is abusing his pain meds. You may or may not be able to get him to admit the truth, but you don't have to live with it and support it. Your choice.

Lonely - Babe, I'm going to be frank. As others have been. You are trying to make sense of his addictive behavior, there is no excuse for abusing medication. NONE. Pain is something that all of us on this forum get. We've all be there. We have days where the meds just aren't enough to get us down to a tolerable level, yet we deal with it.

As an example, there are times that my pain gets so high that I am literally sick from it. Throwing up, unable to even get the pain meds down, because of the pain. There are days when it's all I can do to make it to the door to let the dog out. BUT I still don't double up on medication. I would rather live with a 6 pain level every day than to live witha 4 for two weeks and then an eight or nine the next two weeks.

Your husband is convincing your son that illegal behavior is fine, which it is not. If your son suffers from chronic pain, the addiction that your husband deals with could very easily have been passed down. By allowing your husband to continue this way, and not stand up to it, you are showing your son that the behavior is alright. Sharing pain medication is not just dangerous, it's illegal. Also, if your son isn't prescribed the methadone that your husband gave him for the oxycodone, and the doctor randomly tests him, it shows up, your son is going to lose his right to pain relief. It's that simple.

The main thing to me that shows that your husband is more abusing the medications for the high, than using them for pain relief, is that he has not asked for an increase of medication. If his pain were bad enough, he would tell his doctor that it's not working as well. Right now instead of a doctor patient relationship that is honest, trustworthy, and working your husband is lying to his doctor each time he see's him, just so that he can get that high.

I'm not saying that your husband is not in pain, he very well could be, what I'm saying is that he's not in enough pain to justify how he's using his meds. Again, if he were in constant agonizing pain, he would keep the pain at a constant level all month, rather than trying to get it low at the beginning and allowing it to spike at the end.

Out of love you are trying to understand, and accept the actions of your husband. There is a reason many say that love is blind. The thing is, are you willing to risk your son to avoid dealing with your husbands issues? How okay are you going to be when your son gets put in prison, or loses his right to pain medication, or ends up being taken out in a body bag because he's followed the example set by his father?

Please understand we are worried about you, it's why so many are giving you their honest answers. No one that I've seen, of the many chronic pain people here, has said it's perfectly normal to use medication that way. Every one here suffers, many in my opinion, worse pain than your husband is dealing with, and they choose NOT to abuse their medications.

Your husband is going to get worse, not better, the longer you ignore the problem. His tolerance to pain medication is going to continue to increase requiring more and more medication to give him any high, or relief. At some point he is going to start stealing medication from your son, if he hasn't already, if he says that he's going to go out and get illegal drugs, he very well may do that as well. If thats the case any money you have will be soon gone. Any resemblance of normalcy in your life will also disappear.

As so many have said before me, the choice is up to you. You can chose to ignore the problem, and in doing such, allow it to get worse. OR you can chose to fight for the lives of everyone in your family. Your husband may be a "functioning drug addict", but he's still a drug addict. Just because a book has pretty pictures on the outside, doesn't mean the inside isn't violent, and gruesome. My advice is to fight for your family. If you truly love your husband, get him the help that he needs. If you love your son, show him that his fathers actions are not acceptable, and that you value their lives more than you value the image of a happy family. Your going to need strength, all of the strength you can muster. Call a drug hotline, goto a addicts anonymous meeting, anything. Get yourself a support network, and take action.

Please remember also that by ignoring the problem, you are allowing it to continue. You are empowering your husband to continue his addictive behavior each time you chose to look the other way. You are allowing him to continue to sink lower and lower into the grave he is digging for himself and your family. By allowing things to continue, your losing face with your son. If your son starts this behavior are you going to tell him it's okay to do so? What are you going to say to the future wife of your son when she comes to you seeking help with this very same problem? How are you going to feel when he tells her "mom let dad do it, it's normal"?

The path you chose isn't just your's. You are going to effect the life of your husband, your son, and yourself. Along with any future grandchildren, future wife, and anyone else in your circle of friends and family. What are you going to say the first time you goto a party of someone who's on pain medication, and find out your husband took half their meds to feed his habit? What about when your son is suffering badly from his pain because dad took some of his meds to help himself out? The addictive behaviour could very easily be hereditary, which means your grandchildren could suffer the same things as your husband and son. You need to get a hold on the problem NOW, not later.

The bottom line is this. By ignoring the problem you are saying it's okay. Your not taking action is a choice you are making, and in doing so, your allowing the problem to continue, and giving the addictive behavior your blessing. Inaction IS a choice. The people here at healing well cannot force you to follow through on our advice.

Stop accepting and making excuses for your husband. Life is going to suck for awhile when you confront the problem, but I promise it will be no worse than how things are going to end up if you choose inaction.

I'm going to say a prayer for you as I post this. I really hope you take some of the input from people here to heart. I wish you the absolute best in the future.

I hope no one minds me posting these links:

www.nationalhotline.org
888 762 3750

www.treatment-hotline.com
866 967 6237

www.addictioncareoptions.com
800 784 6776

www.drugs.com

also try going to www.yellowpages.com and look up "drug hotline" or "prescription drug addiction" for local numbers. consider calling up any church and asking the pastor if they can give you information on a support group for family members of drug addicts.

again, I wish you the best.

If your husband believes that you are the only one who thinks that he has a problem, why not show him in black and white that many others think the same thing?  Get him to read these posts. If that does not convince him, then you really must seek the help you need to get out of a very bad situation.

I think one of the things I'm fearful of is the fact that if it's not his choice to change his ways, but his ways are changed for him, that he WILL go to the streets.  I'm fearful that what he could get on the streets could be laced with something...I don't know...I just don't know about these types of things.  But I am also fearful that something will happen if he doesn't change his ways. 

He told me his doctor gave him his scripts and told him he could take his meds any way he wanted to, but that he (the doctor) would not be giving him any more, and that he was never to ask for any more.  This is what he tells me his doctor said????????????  He told me his doctor would probably have a problem if he found out he crushed/snorted his oxycodone from time to time. 

Thank you all for taking the time to support me and also for all of the information you've supplied me with.  These posts are very helpful to me.

PAlady, Do you believe his doctor would tell him he could take his oxycodone and methadone any way he wants to for his pain, but not to ever ask him for any more?

I don't know how much of a history my husband gave his doctor when he first began seeing him.  He may have just told him he had some trouble with opiods in the past.  If his doctor is onto him, why does he continue to prescribe for him, and why hasn't he ever called him in for a pill count?

Thank you PAlady.  I'm wondering what gave you the idea that his doctor is no longer willing to prescribe?

Hi Lonely,

Personally, I cannot imagine any pain doc telling a patient that he can take his pills any way he wants. Like most, if not all prescriptions, medication is most effective in the way it is prescribed! That is why we go to physicians - they are experts on treating our illness; they know what meds are to be tried and at what dosages they are to be taken. This does not mean that they know which drug will work best for which patient but it does mean they have the education and experience to do a logical trial and error approach to the meds. Usually a doctor will give you a prescription for a certain medication for a short length of time to see how it works - and they adjust it as you go until you find the optimal dose and type of med. For example, if the methadone is not working a doc may try another long term medication (like 24 hour morphine, or 24 hour oxycodone) etc. If the immediate release oxycodone is not working then he may try another opioid - there are so many out there, that I cannot believe a responsible doctor would tell his patient to take it as he pleases but don't ask for more! If the meds are not working as prescribed, then a responsible paitent and doctor work together to come up with a system that does work. I think the idea of a pain pump is the best alternative at this point - if it is medically the right thing to do. That way, the doc will have almost complete control of the dosage plus it may be a more effective pain reliever itself.

So there are two things that bother me with the statement your husband made: first is if it is true that the doctor said he can take the meds however he wishes then there is something fishy with the doc and it is time to find another pain specialist; secondly if the doc did not say that, it is just more proof that your husband is not using his medication responsibly - that he is deceiving you and himself. What you need to do is to convince him that there are alternatives to how he is living now: new docs, new methods for pain control (like the pain pump) and other narcotics to try. A person who is in real pain, and not just looking for the drugs, will try ANYTHING to get relief - even if it is climbing a 24,000 foot mountain to meet the guru.....so if he resists any of your suggestions it makes me think that addiction is the motivation in his actions.

As far as weaning him off from the oxycodone - yes, that is always the option that the doctor has. If the doc feels the patient is abusing his meds, he will wean you off completely; if a doctor thinks you have built up tolerance, he may take you off from one type of narcotics and then substitute for another type. There as some docs who use the "drug holiday" action - that is, rotate types of narcotics in the hope of preventing or reversing tolerance; but this is not always effective and I am not sure if many advocate this anymore. There is another, very drastic way of getting a pain patient to withdraw from drugs using general anesthesia - they knock the patient out for five days or so and clear the system while the person is unconscious. There is some thought that this can "reset" the pain med effect.

Basically, I think that if he is genuine about wanting to find the right pain control and is not just looking for drugs, then emphasizing that there are options out there should give him optimism and he should be eager to go down that road; if he resists it, then I think it is clear that he is most likely a full-blown addict.

I could be wrong, and I hate to speak for anyone else but me....but I cannot help but think that everyone of us here would do ANYTHING we could to get pain relief no matter how silly the procedure may sound; it is not pain relief only via narcotics that we want....if someone told me I would never have pain again in my life if I ate a can of cat food a day you better believe I would buy cases and cases of nine-lives! and that my oxycodone and methadone would be down the drain......The goal with chronic pain is to get relief and have a life.....not to get narcotics. That is the ultimate test I would put to him, to see how he reacts.....

Hope this makes sense......

I think what your husband needs is a very special doctor who is an expert on treating real and significant chronic pain in the addict. It can be done by the right doctor. There is no reason why your husband should suffer with untreated pain....but at the same time, the way he is using (abusing?) his medication is only causing him more harm and more pain and if he genuinely wants the pain to be controlled, he needs to find the right system.

I really think he can find the right one for himself..........but he has to realize that the responsibility is ultimately up to him. If he has a bad doc, then he needs to find the right one; if he cannot manage his pain then he needs to be honest with himself and his docs so they can all work together.

Glad that I made some sense; but to clarify my "cat food" statement: that was used as a far-fetched example only; I do not advocate this for pain control! nor would I jump on that band wagon unless there was irrefutable proof that a course of action is guaranteed to work! :)

I would like to second Toritoo's last response.  I'm reading all of your posts and starting to think this is not about your husband anymore. You are clearly unhappy w/the situation, feel out of control, sounding anxious, worried--you need to get help for yourself.  From what you have written, your husband at this time does not want to change anything, so, it's done, nothing to be done about that.  But you, can do something about the way you are feeling and living--you, my dear, need help.   

Remember this addicts are the best liers and they will lie and do anything to get thier fix because all they care about is the drug.

Hi Everyone,

I've finally got it...I understand it all now.  And, this is what I was thinking of this morning........

THE FACT THAT MY HUSBAND IS WILLING TO SUFFER WITH WHAT HE DESCRIBES AS "EXCRUTIATING PAIN" THREE WEEKS OUT OF EACH MONTH, TO BE ABLE TO USE HIS MONTH'S PREscriptION OF OXYCODONE DURING THE FIRST WEEK OF EACH MONTH, SPEAKS VOLUMNS!!!!!

Thanks to each and every one of you.