How do I Deal With a Non-Supporter

Oh sheryl=jk, you just sent shivers up my spine!! After he wrote my ex ,in the mid-80's, telling him that he was "@#$%^&*" me and that my ex had no control of me anymore, then lieing to me about it, I told him I never wanted to see him again. That's when the stalking began. I still don't know how he knew every step I took whether walking, driving, or riding with a girl friend - but he did! He kept sending me mail and leaving messages on my car no matter where I was. What got me the most was his continual playing the Police song, "Every Breath You Take" when I would answer the phone at home or at my mother's or anywhere. By the way, that is truely a stalker's song, for me anyway. The local police dept. would do nothing unless he had physical abused me. I was a total wreck!!! (By the way, my ex and I are still good friends". But remember, this was the 80's when there were no stalking laws. If this happens again I hope I will have the support of the police dept.

Thank you Gramps for your post, I wouldnt know what to tell her to do, and this man is taking advantage, and its so very frightening.She needs someones help right now.  while she is having surgery, some one neeeds to get this guy out of there, and trained nurse in there who is not gonna harm her, and take good care of her.

Lassie I hope your surgery goes well.

lassieluv,
As I'm learning even more, I realize you are definitely in an abusive relationship, and the drinking just adds to the problem. Does your therapist and psychiatrist know everything about this man you've told us here? If not you need to be completely honest. And is there a domestic violence program in your area? Look in your local phone book, ask your therapist. Yes, you need to make plans to get out, but you need to make plans to get out safely. That may or may not mean leaving your home, but you're going to have to make a choice - do you want the house or a life? This man is more danerous than I thought, especially when you add alcohol which raises the stakes even higher, as there is no way to rationalize with someone who is an addict.

His controlling behavior - wanting to isolate you from neighbors, even this computer, is one of the hallmarks of an abuser. If he's never actually hit you'd I'd be suprirsed, but I suspect he would if you did get up out of that wheelchair and gain some independence. I don't want to scare you, but some healthy fear is needed here so you prepare adequately and you do NOT try to do this all by yourself. Begin by telling your psychiatrist and therapist, and seeing what resources are available to help with these kinds of situations. Then put a plan together, but I wouldn't give him any notion of what you're planning in advance. But begin that plan and make a vow to yourself FOR yourself and your future. But please, don't try to do it all alone! We can be here for support, but we can't be there physically and you will need that.

By the way, there is something called the "cycle of violence" and this can apply to physical or emotional abuse. And it will have NOTHING to do with your behavior, but an abuser will make you think it's you - you put the fork on the wrong side of the plate, you let a neighbor come visit, any piece of junk but the problem is that you buy into his sickness. Anyway, there is a part of the cycle where tension is building inside the abuser (you may not even know this, although you may be able to detect some signs), then the abuser blows up, often physically, over some minor thing. Then there's a cooling off period; it's even labeled the "hearts and flowers" time because the abuser comes around and apologizes, or swears he (often a he but not always) will never do it again, says everything you want to hear and so you take him back. Problem is the cycle starts all over again. Years ago I used to train domestic violence workers for a local shelter, so I know a little about this. Stalking behavior is also abusive, and an indicator. So this is serious stuff. And a good time for you to do some soul-searching about your future life, knowing you'll have to make some changes before things will get better. I hope you will find the strength and courage to do that, so you can have a life.

PaLady

Also lassie once he is gone get a restraining order against him.   Im am so scared for you right now, when first started reading the post you wrote originally I wasnt fully understanding what you were saying, it didnt click until I was reading everybody posts, that you were actuallly living with the guy. and that is so scary, reminds me of fatal attraction. Get him out ASAP.  Get help like everyone is saying from your therapists drs, the police, you are in my prayers lassie, we gotta get you through this operration first, then get you strong., and get him out!!

Please keep strong and faithful...Love...sheryl

lassie, I'm sure that it is daunting just thinking about all of the changes that you will have to make, I pray that u find the emotional and physical strength to do what you eventually will have to do. In the meantime, use HIM a lil until u get your surgery and are strong and well enough to take on these challenges. Make use of him and get anything done that needs immediate attention. I know that there are so many emotions going on with u right now and that once you've really cared about someone, it's hard to give him the boot, but let me ask u this: if u suddenly lost your house and your car and your income, would he take care of u on his own then, physically and financially?

I want to reiterate... and agree... he might have started with good intentions, but ... now
Quote" He's not a caretaker if he's abusing you & he's definitely abusing you."
using you,...
and he sounds like he is also bitter about being your help
feeling sorry for himself..

go talk to a good cousnelor, and perhaps you can get help in to replace him, and ppl that will BUILD YOU UP and not tare you down...


HEALTH
is MIND BODY & SOUL

the FULL MEAL DEAL

lassieluv,

My heart goes out to you and I understand how you are feeling, but you also have to understand that you should have gotten rid of this guy 22yrs ago. I'm sure from day one you knew he wasn't your soul mate and that he wasn't a good guy. Its so easy to say you should've, but you should've left at the very first sign of abuse, emotional or physical. You have to realize that there are BILLIONS of people out there and that chances are you can and will find someone 1,000 times better than him. He has a history of abuse with you and you need to FIND the strength to get rid of him. It will never get better so stop tellling yourself that. You need to kick him to the curb now! Don't wait till after your surgery. You need positive people around you to heal and it will take a few weeks after the surgery before you can do things for yourself again like driving.

As hard as it will be kick him out today. Call the police to have them aid you. Once you tell them your situation they will help. Change the locks immediately. Call in home nursing agencies, like Comfort Keepers, or call a nursing home. Get a restraining order. And prepare to move to an entirely new place to start your new life as far away from him as possible and so he can't find you. It will be hard and sounds impossible to do and really nice in print, but you have to do what is best for you. There are domestic abuse places that will take you in and help you get on your feet.

Lassie, you need to leave now and there are people who will help you. Don't be afraid to ask for help from anyone! Your situation is serious, he has a history of abuse including physical, and who knows if you can more independence and he sees that he will 'lose' you he may get physical again, which may lead to your death. Get help and physically leave. We will all be here for you, but it doesn't help if he is still around. There are plenty of resourses to help you. Please, please, please leave him today and if not today tomorrow! Don't wait any longer otherwise you will keep telling yourself as soon as I can walk ten feet, as soon as I can drive, as soon as... Please don't there are people that can fill every single function he is currently filling in your life. You don't have to put up with it!

Sorry if I sound harsh, but hopefully a kick it the butt will get you moving more quickly to get rid of him once and for all, especially after 22yrs. And sorry if I rambled on.

cookie122 - I can tell by your input that you are a strong individual. I guess my break down WAS 22yrs ago. I loved my career in the Navy and felt lost without it. Then came Blaze when I was most vunerable. We did have some good times over the years but now I just take a Klonipin before he comes home so I will be calm and not upset him. Like I said before, I never know what to expect when he gets home. That sounds kind of stupid since I don't really have a home of my own that I worked so hard to get. He has made it seem like just a house for his use.

I know I sound like a wimp but I am just not strong enough (mentally & physically) to kick him out right now. I have asked him to leave and told him I would get help from my church or other places. He says no one can take care of me the way he can. I am so tired of his yelling at the least little thing. It seems that he can't do anything my himself; he wants me to make important & trivial phone calls for him since he thinks I have nothing to do all day.
He is upset now because I haven't figured out how to use the new equipment for my computer. Heck, it's mine and I don't feel like doing it. He mainly wants to copy photos so he can send them to his mom and boss. I'm sure I will learn, but in my own time.

Thank you so very much for offering to come in person to help me move. I don't want to leave MY home - I just want him out. And yes, I will use him in any way I can (ie drs appts) for as long as I can. I don't have any living relatives and it seems friends are only friends when THEY need something from me.

I don't know if it is allowed to exchange phone numbers on this forum, but I would like to. Maybe a moderator will read this and answer this issue.

Thanks to all of you that are concerned about me for giving your support. I will take it to heart and hopefully figure out a way for him to leave.

Lassie and cookie,
I wouldn't post phone numbers or e-mail directly on the forum, but you can add an e-mail to your profile (so only registered members see it) and then the two of you can e-mail and exchange other info. that way.

Lassie,
Just know we're here, but keep trying to find new 'friends'. The ones you've got aren't really friends. The Church group might be a good place, but I hope you made that call to your therapist. And ask about a domestic violence group in your area. They can help you a lot with this whole issue, including, when needed, legal aspects.

Hugs to you,
PaLady

Lassie,
Please talk to your therapist! She/he knows you best, and what you can tolerate at this point. With only 9 days left you need to do what you need most right now to prepare - and your therapist can help you decide that.

Getting him to leave in itself will be a difficult process, as you already know. See if you can make an extra appointment with your therapist before your surgery.

Hugs,
PaLady

PAlady - my therapist doesn't have any openings unless someone cancels in advance. And as hard of a time I have getting around, if she has time - which she always has in the past - we can do a phone to phone consult. And thanks for the info about sharing emails & phone calls.

cookie - Thank you for your positive input. I wish He would go home to Mom. He said he would - if I went with him.lol By the way, as PAlady suggested, I went the proper way for you to get my email address - go to my profile page.

Muzz,

Thank you, and everyone, for standing behind me. By next week this time I will have had my 1st surgery - then see what happens!

Right cookie, my surgery is the 24th. I can hardly wait!

I can't understand why my email isn't listed in my profile; I updated it this morning. I'll see if I can get yours.

Smile!