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rejected by ME spouse and I'm run ragged

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Posted 5/28/2008 3:10 PM (GMT 0)
Hi,

Wondering if anyone has any advice on how to cope what to do next.  Don't know what's relevant so will post with full background in a bit but I'll need some time to write it all out. 

about the time I fell pregnant with my first son (now 10 mnts) my husband's ME kicked back off.  I had much verbal abuse and hassle about having an abortion but I decided not to - we had planned the pregnancy.  I had no support whilst pregnant and since then have been struggling with husband and baby (who is very well behaved and a great sleeper - it's my husband that has me up all night, baby slept through from 3 weeks!)  In Januray when we all caught a sick bug I realised I really needed a break and decided to try and find a help network.  Family all work and don't understand.  We moved relatviely recently and I didn't ahve any friends locally (had to travel over an hour for a coffee and chat).

However since then so much has happened.  In the one and only time we had sex (my husband rejected me he said on the basis of my pregnancy rather than his ME) I fell pregnant again.  After arranging my return to work as we need money with my husband now not working since the end of last year, I was then made redundant.  Have found a new job (I luckily do have a high end career and hopefully having found a job rather than being unemployed for the next year on my Cv can hope for some sort of financial viability for the family).  My husband also decided it was just too stressful living with us and moved out so we are now also having to afford rent on a flat about 30 miles away (he wanted to live where we used to live where there are local shops etc rather than in the middle of the countryside where we are.)  Actually it is less stressful now without him living here.  Not sure what this menas relationship wise, haven't felt anything about anything in months - just exhaustion.

But can't see a way to get a break - not good at asking - and can't manage to get any help that sounds heklpful from family - my parents are forever offering that me or my son could and live with them - however I don't want to be permamently separated from him and this would mean not having any personal space one thing I am so appreciating have some back since my husband moved out (don't know what to do about this - we are still seeing each toher when he feels a bit better I drive over to the city), adn would mean a ridiculous commute to work.

So I find myself being desperate for a break 4 months ago now 4 months pregnant with a 10 month old son looking after him on my own.  Getting up at 5 to get ready and leave the house before 7 to take him to nursery before I go to work.  Getting back to the house at 7pm and between having dinner and getting ready for the next day not getting to bed till about 11/12pm. Not sure what to do about my husband or the fact that I know it's going to get physically difficult to do things - being pregnant I'm going to get more tired as time goes on and already I'm having some abdominal muscle issues (despite running marathons and dancing for scotland in the past -there may well be a theme here that I am very independent and an overacheiver) already - I didn't have these till post birth and at the beginning couldn't get out the house for a few weeks and couldn't lift the new born for a few days - yet alone a one year old or take the rubbish out.

My immune system is way down - I've currently picked up another infection and now have antibiotics.  I know why I'm exhauseted I ahve a young baby, I'm pregnant, a disabled husband, a husband who has sort of left me, huge financial worries (imagine if you're income dropped to about 10% of what it used to), a full time job, and no support network.  I am crap at asking fro help I try and never seem to get it yet my parents help my sister.  Beleive it or not in January I asked my parents to commit to coming over once a month to look after my son to give me a break for a couple of hours (they live an hour away and my mum doesn't work) and they said no.  Yet this weekend for my sister who lives about 10 minutes away they are travelling to my side of the country to stay in a travellodge and watch their other Grandson while my sister and her husband go to a wedding!  I think they do care and want to help I'm just somehow crap at communicating and make a mess of it.

Anyone out there sympathise or do you all think I should just keep getting on with it and kick up my ideas and stop moaning.  It feels like I'm failing everywhere.

Posted 5/28/2008 5:08 PM (GMT 0)
I do sympathize with you completely. It sounds like you have a more than full plate, but alas I have not real suggestions to give you at this time. All I can say is you and your son should come first, than work, and then husband and other family. It sucks your husband and family aren't there for you like you need them to be. I don't know where you live, but maybe you can apply for some sort of social support system like welfare to help stabilize your finances for the time being.

Best wishes that everything works out for you!
Posted 5/28/2008 7:34 PM (GMT 0)
Dear NeedABreak,
First, welcome to the forum. I am a little confused about some aspects of your problem. I guess I don't know what ME is, or maybe I do but it's not registering now. But regardless,it's obvious you're completely overwhelmed and with another baby on the way things are not going to get easier.

Your husband doesn't sound dependable, and I think you're going to have to face what most of us do at one point or another - that you need to ask for and accept help. Your parents have offered to have you live there, and maybe you might need to consider it, even as a temporary measure while you have your second baby and get back on your feet. How else will you manage with two young ones? And you'll probably have to be off work for awhile. You need some help and support, even if it doesn't come in the package you'd like. Yes, it may mean not having your own personal space, but see it as a temporary thing, not a lifelong state. This way could get stabilized and maybe save some money, and when you're ready and have enough support, return to living on your own as a single Mom. But even this will be a challenge. It just seems too much to expect of yourself right now to stay living alone.

And be sure to check out any community agencies, Church groups, etc, that might be able to help in different ways. I know it's not your first choice, but sometimes there is no other choice for the moment.

PaLady
Posted 5/28/2008 8:17 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks, Gramps. CFS I'm familiar with, but not ME. Must be similar to what happened with RSD and CRPS.

Glad to learn something new!

PaLady
Posted 5/29/2008 12:34 AM (GMT 0)
Yeah, thanks for the translation, I was confused.  Need I'm sorry, you have a lot going on.  i hope things improve for you and you are able to feel better.

Mel

Posted 5/29/2008 2:12 AM (GMT 0)
NeedABreak - Welcome to HW chronic pain forum....nicetameetcha! I do hope you will continue to post and get to know us, and us you. We are quite the verbose bunch here and will level with you straight away.

Now, if I am reading correctly, your husband decided to move out and you are having to pay for the home you and your child live in AND pay for his apartment? UH-UH....if he wants to live on his own then he should pay to be on his own. You do NOT need that stress dumped on your shoulders. Do you have to pay for his food and utilities too??? I'm sorry, that is just askin WAYYYYY too much of you when you are already strapped and exhausted.

OK, I'll step down off my "I AM WOMAN" soap box.....

When our kids were younger and hubby was away fighting forest fires I had a high-school age neighbor look after the young ones while I did other things. At first, I would always be home, but she was watching the children and I was able to get phone calls, bill paying, or even a long soak in the tub, whatever, done without interruption. Then, after seeing how she was with the boys I gradually did things away from home, like get a haircut, run errands, shopping for groceries, or seeing a movie. Just having someone trustworthy with your child for a few hours a week, even if you are right there too, is a needed break. I started out paying her very little, she wanted to get experience in baby sitting, but as soon as I started leaving the house I paid much better. I also wonder if you could leave the baby with your regular sitter/day care for an extra few hours a day or two a week.

I wish your husband could do that for you, but it sounds like he wants to be selfish and throw the whole family idea away. Why can't he realize how good he has it with you.
Posted 5/29/2008 3:52 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Need and welcome to the Chronic Pain forum. Dump the jackass. You couldn't possibly be any worse off than u r now and would prob be better off.

Posted 5/29/2008 4:55 AM (GMT 0)
Welcome, NeedaBreak!
Well, Hun, somehow my problems don't seem so big anymore! First, you made a couple of comments that indicate to me that somehow you blame yourself for some of this, like the comment about being "crap" at communicating with your parents and making "a mess out of it". Anyone who can do what you are currently doing by yourself is an incredible person, and anyone in your family that can't see that is an idiot, parents and husband included. Unfortunately, you can't divorce your parents (I think), but the same can't be said for hubby. I don't want to minimalize anyone's disease; I'm sure CFS/ME is no fun. However, I've been in horrific pain for 4 years and continued to work full time to support my family. I know that's not possible for everyone, but I can't imagine not helping take care of my son, (short of being a quadraplegic) much less MOVE OUT because there's too much stress! Don't blame yourself for any of this! Good luck and God Bless!

Anon
Posted 6/2/2008 9:18 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks everyone. Mmmm You kind of sound like my parents - who also tend to blame my husband... but I had sort of thought that they were doing because they feel duty bound to favour me.

As to money - whilst tight we do have some savings left though these have been and will be eroded over the next maternity leave. So my husband would be entitiled to his share of these. In fairness now that he is living separately he also gets benefits - he's still working out what he qualifies for... it looks like me might actually be better off whilst I'm working!

The problem being if I give up work to move in with my parents neither will I have any money to try and save (currently I will be able to add a bit to the savings over the enxt 4 months) but I will then also have a gap on my CV. As I do have a good job at the moment being out of work for a year (i.e. just now I shoudl still have full time empployment to show on my CV even though I will be on maternity again), would mean I wouldn't get anywhere near as good a job or money for several years to come and then I definately couldn't afford the house and realistically it would be another 5 years before we could get back on our feet just to be where we are.

I have also made a number of local friends and being able to meet up with people for short periods of time has been really useful.

I'm not sure whether it came across in my original post but actually having my husband move out has reduced the stress from him vastly. For the week after he left before starting work despite having to sort out child care and things things were so much easier than they had been and I can now relax in the house. So him moving out has been the most helpful thing he has done!
Posted 6/2/2008 9:18 AM (GMT 0)
I do have a tendency to do a super woman impression and do wonder if I should have /should still demand more of him. But wouldn't know where to start.
Posted 6/2/2008 9:21 AM (GMT 0)
A babysitter in the local area would be good. But I have asked around and none of my loacl friends have used one apart from using the nrusery nurses at the local nursery (who only offer to their parents) and as the lcoal nursery was full and I'm using one 15 miles awway this wouldn't work. Does anyone have any suggestions how to find a babysitter.

p.S. all my local friends have young kids, under 5, so no helpful teenagers I could ask.
Posted 6/2/2008 9:25 AM (GMT 0)
How tough will it be having 2 kids on my own - anyone actually I single mum who has done 2 kids alone without family help? Having one was okay and now easier without my husband than with. Friends having a second is much harder....?
Posted 6/2/2008 9:25 AM (GMT 0)
Also, he is my children's father. So my son should get to see him and misses him. Which means I'm going to be seeing him anywya
Posted 6/2/2008 1:13 PM (GMT 0)
Living at my parents house would also mean all of us staying in a single room where I lived as a kid - and which is now my Mum's study full of her computer and stuff. There is hardly enough space for Josh's cot as it is yet alone if I had to had 2 cots in there with me. We would have stairs to contend me and the place isn't babyproofed in the slightest.... I've tried stating for a coupld of days before had and instead of getting a break I end up not being able to get a shower in the morning as at my house I have a shower over the bath if need be Josh can come in with me, but at there's in a separate shower this wouldn't work (and it's also a bit dodgy in terms of temperature changes) so I ahve to wait until I can get someone to watch him just to get showered. Which usually means the day is half over. None of the bathroom cupboards have baby lock and all are floor level not to mention that there is 3 stairs in the middle of the bathroom (it's on an extension to the old house) so even going to the toliet can be tricky. Not to mention my parents dog - who whilst seems fine I just wouldn't want to trust a dog on there on with a baby - probably as there would be a good likelhood of josh trying to pull her tail or something and the dog then getting annoyed and sat sitting on him or something. So even if I managed to baby proof my parents house then I would still need to keep a close eye on him or the dog. At home I can sit in the living room and he can play on the floor and I can see he's not getting into any trouble. I can go to the kithchen and make a cup of tea keeping an eye on him in the living room so I don't have to worry what he may be doing or that I may splash hot water out of the kettle. I also seem to end up dealing with my sister's problem's when I'm at my parents. Last Christmas we went out for a family meal and my 4 little cousings (7&8) and my sister (who is 22 but has downs syndrome) all wanted to sit beside Josh I ended up at one of the table with all of them as well as Josh. So of the 6 adults I was the one who had to help the kids order there food, and cut there food up as well as feeding my baby. I nearly lost my rag with my mum when my sister was complaining she hadn't got her drink and my Mum told me off for not noticing! Perhaps I should have done. Could this be part of the problem that I don't so no-one realises that I'm need of a hand.
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