Need Lots of TLC

Hello, dear friends,
I'm trying to get myself in the mood for the Beach Party but it has been a tough week, especially emotionally. I just had another blow this afternoon and knew people here would understand. Not even sure there's anyone else in my life who would "get it".

Remember my cousins had rented a nearby cottage starting last Sat., and Sat. night there was a small family gathering and I went, but of course planning all my meds and rest time in order to do it. Paid some price for sitting on picnic benches, but worth the cost. Since my cousin and his wife were going to be only a block away, I thought they'd be stopping by at least once. So of course last week I did what? Clean. Not heavy duty, but heavier than I've done since my surgery. Did one of those minimal vacuum runs, cleaned up the kitchen and bath, and did some shopping because I thought they'd at least come for dinner one night.

I knew my cousin's wife was going back home Wed. morning because she had to work. Tuesday night they called me about 7pm to come over and sit and visit, which I would have loved had I known it a little earier, but Tuesday was a bad day so I took a "nap" starting about 6:30pm (which most normal people can't relate to at all) and woke up about 9:30pm, ate a quick bite and called my cousin back. They were already in bed. But I asked him if he wanted to come to dinner one of these nights and he just said he was going to "hang lose" and would be visiting with some other friends for parts of the time. I kept walking over the past 2 evenings but didn't see any vehicles so this afternoon I finally walked inside the cottage and found it all cleaned and locked up. He had already left. It was so empty over there after having been there with family last Saturday, and I had said to him I hoped I could see him before he left and he said yes. But he never said he was leaving early (the rental was until tomorrow, and I think he really left on Wed. when his wife went back). People just don't realize how disappointing these things are! I just wish he'd have told me!

I suspect he's staying with friends and doing some activities cuz there are lots of festivals, concerts going on around the region. And I think gee, I wish he'd have at least called and invited me to join him with his friends somewhere. Then in the next thought I reaiize I'd have probably declined anyway because these concerts and festivals involve a lot of walking and sitting on grass or flimsy chairs (if you can find a seat).... you all know the drill. As a matter of fact two years ago I was going to go see the Beach Boys (for real!) for FREE with my cousin but declined because the crowds were going to be in the thousands, nowhere to sit, lots of places to trip, etc, etc., etc.

All the reasons why we end up becoming isolated anyway.

So something about that empty cottage, that silence struck me deeply. Maybe too much of a reflection of my life. And so many others wouldn't understand, just thinking it was all my choice to be so isoated. I couldn't wait to get home and cry.

PaLady

Thanks, Worse.
I'm working on getting back up for the Beach Party since I'm the host and I certainly don't want to miss the entertainment and feast!!!

My cousin is really a good guy and I think it's mostly some poor communication which I'm going to remember next time. He and his wife lost a child back in the 1980's and then a few years later he had serious cancer. He is one of only 11% of those with the type he had who has survived this long - over 10 years. We actually got close while he was going through the cancer, but then they moved away. They know - kind of - about my health and back surgery and stuff, but only one or two people "sort of" get it. As we all know, it takes a lot of explaining. So if they rent that same place next year, and if I'm still even in this house (all dependent on finances which are going down the tubes) I will know just to ask if they have their plans made for the week.

I think it hurt so much because there's such a contrast with my life. I want to be normal again.

I know, I know.....and I know you all know.

PaLady-------grateful for my HW family!

Dear Ry,
You always seem to understand and "hear" me so well. And yes, it really, really hurts. You know that same pain especially keen to those of us living alone. And being isolated on top of that. Sometimes it's too big a mound and it starts to topple over.

You hit on something I guess I was avoiding and that was acknowledging my anger with my cousin. They were literally around the corner from me, and all he had to do was tell me the truth when I said I hoped I'd get to see him one more time before he left. Just say he had other plans and wouldn't be staying at the cottage. Then I wouldn't have been expecting anything. But we have so many disappointments in our lives already.

I can't get over how the starkness of that empty cottage felt like a punch to the gut. Knocked the wind out of me, ya know? On top of what's been a lousy week, but this felt so very, very personal.

And I so hear you with knowing what it feels like to have to contiually decline invitations, change plans even with loved ones to the point they get frustrated and some even stop asking. And we can understand what it must feel like from there end because they must get to a point of thinking why bother asking? Yet every now and then we can say yes, or it's something we would love to go to and would push ourselves and they might not know that. They can't read our minds. But it still hurts, as we crawl back into bed and take another pill and try to make all the hurt on so many levels go away.

Thank you, dear friend.

((((( Ry )))))

PaLady

Dear Friends,
Is there some kind of a black cloud hanging over me this week - I mean bigger than the "pain and poverty" clouds that are usually there? Can any of you see it? Ry, I'm sorry if it's extended over your way.

It just seems like it's one disappointment after another and I'm crying as I write this so if I ramble or something please understand. None of the famiy members that are doing these things are doing it with any intent, but I don't think they can understand that what's a normal disappointment for most people becomes a DISAPPOINTMENT for us. Do you understand what I mean? We have so many things we have to let go of already. So many things to endure. And when you hang onto just a small little sliver of something for a fun event or whatever and then it slips away, it's a much bigger deal for us.

I just talked to another of my cousins, the one who has been extremely supportive of me and has even been loaning (giving really, as she knows I have no way to pay her back) me money to help pay my health insurance and such. She and I had talked about my going to stay with her for a few days maybe next weekend. She has a small apartment and her daughter (who's in her 20's but having a very rough time with some mental health problems) is back staying with her, so I've not been able to go down all summer. It's the only "vacation" I have had for several years now. To drive the 3 hours to my cousin's (I've done it by stopping a lot, etc.) and we would go see a baseball game and fireworks. And there's a special big fireworks show with the game next week and she had told me to look for tickets. Well, to be honest, I probaby wouldn't have gone down anyway because I'm feeling pretty lousy and it's really too late to buy tickets for that event unless you get some last minute ones online. But I still had the thought in the back of my mind. Maybe...

It's the one thing I've pushed myself to do. And I go and have a beer and a footlong and it's my vacation for the year. Well, I just talked to her and in the course of her conversation she casually says how another family member is coming to visit her next weekend, and they're going on a short trip. She had forgotten all about what she'd said to me. She just assumed I wouldn't be coming. And she was probaby right, but it's just one more blow in a long, long hard week of hits. And then she says to me well maybe we can do it "next year". She's a good, kind person, but she like everyone else in my family has a LIFE. She works very hard, and has a lot of aches and pains, but she still gets to travel (she makes very good $$) and just do NORMAL things. Oh, I'd better stop here.

I don't think I need to explain anymore to you, do I? Ry, like you said, it really, really hurts.

Thank you all for being here and for listening - and for UNDERSTANDING!

PaLady

p.s. I'm trying to get in the mood for the Beach Party tonight but if I'm a little late please understand. I may need to lick my wounds a bit.

Post Edited (PAlady) : 8/9/2008 2:38:28 PM (GMT-6)

((((((PaLady))))))

You have absolutely NOTHING to apologize for. Sometimes it just seems to all come down on us at once. I've been there and you were one of the first to come and help pick me up and dust me off. Now it's just time for me to try and return the favor. I wish so much that I could fix the loneliness - for both of us! But at the end of the day I know you have to shut down the computer and look around at an empty house. I know that feeling is the thing that makes the sting of this week's events so sharp, and I wish I could change that for you.

I want to encourage you, though, not to let yourself stop looking forward to these times with your family. That is one thing I've had to work on too - as people have gradually stopped making the effort to include me I got to the point where I thought "If I just don't ever get my hopes up, then I won't be disappointed." I've realized, though, that I'm the only person who really suffers the consequences of that. I was robbing myself of the joy I could find in the moments that DID come together. Don't let yourself shut off from your family because of your pain.

You are a wonderful person, PaLady. You've done so much to encourage me and I'm sure countless others on this site. I have no doubt that you've done the same for many people you are personally acquainted with as well. I know they have hurt you. I know you know they didn't mean to - that they just don't understand. But I am also pretty sure that they really and truly love you.

You know we're here for you, and of course we'll see you on the beach. I am praying already that tomorrow is a brighter day!
Ry

Dear PAlady,

I am so sorry for all that you have been goin though.  Im sitting here just crying my eyes out reading through all these post. My heart is wide open and as raw as it has ever been for you. struggling with all this on your own is so hard and that is such an understatement!

Feelin lonely when all you want is a safe haven if only for a short time just a momet in time to let it all go and let someone else deal with all that comes with this debilatating condition and what it has cost you, I truely understand and my heart goes out to you.  I know that I am new in here but you have a freind for life with me if you ever need another one. I am of the mind that one can never have to many true friends in this life.

I know that i am eaerly on to CP.  But even now I am loosing my life peice by piece and it is the hardest thing i have ever had to go through and when all we have left is the times that we do get to enjoy our famlily and friends only to find out that we cant and its only another loss in a long line of them its heart breaking and i dont even know what to say except that i am here  for you as so many here are and that does bring comfort.

As far as a job goes, im not sure where you live but there is a company its called Barden Cir. Inc. they have a wedsite as well... it is a circulation company for the local newpaper in your comm.  IF you are in there area where this company has accounts its a commsision job but you can set your own hours night or day weekdays or weekends and i know they would work round the dissablity.  It requires sitting and signing people up for the newpaper some light lifting..

I am the account manager.. well was for this company here in charleston sc where i live and i know if they have an account where you live i could put in a word for you and get you a job with them if you are up to it and they have an account where you are..before my accident i was able to make a really good living doing this even though it was a commsion job working 35 to 40 hrs a week i was making about 800 to a 1000 a week.

Its just an option if you want to check it out. IF you want more info or just need to talk let me know i will send you my email and get some more info for you or just chat if you need someone to talk to

Take care palady and know you are not alone

You are in my toughts and prayers

Hello again, dear friends,
Sometimes I put my head in the sand and pretend the black cloud isn't really there, or that it's going to blow away, and then reality hits and I have to look it straight in the face. Every time it get scarier.

Health and money. They go together, and in my case (like many of you) not in a positive way. I've been holding my breath about so many things that are right on the edge - problems with my house and problems with my car. I knew I needed work on my 10 year old car, but now there's a new problem - probably a leak somewhere, as there's a slight smell of gas and I probably shouldn't be driving it. But i live in the country. (don't worry, I'm not going to be foolish) I do have AAA and probably Monday morning will have iti towed to the dealership. I talked with them today to see if they had any payment plans and they said no, but of course take all credit cards. Well, my credit cards are no longer any good. First time in my life. I used to have excellent credit, but now....won't go into more details but some of you know what this is like. I have rental insurance on my auto policy, but have to call tomorrow to find out the details on that, since I didn't have an accident. And I raised all my deductibles recently to lower my insurance. And even a rental usually requires a valid credit card. I feel like my back is really up against the wall and I guess I'm just praying that something good happesn here. And soon!

I honestly don't know what i'm going to do on Monday morning. I'll call my insurance and AAA tomorrow and get more info, but either way this is going to cost big money. And it's a probem in addition to the ones I already knew about with the car. Yet I certainly can't afford a newer one or car payments.

I know no one here can send me a winning lotto ticket, but I just needed somewhere to vent. And to talk about how scarey this feels. Those of you out there who are alone know. I have no back up. No safety net. i'm just in a financial free fall.

Thanks for listening, friends.

PaLady

Thank you, Ry. Dear friend.



I'll somehow perk up a bit later. But I truly don't know what I'm going to do come Monday morning. I obviously need a car - there isn't public transportation where I live or even where the dealership is. And I do need to work a couple of afternoons/week. Just pray my insurance will cover the rental cost even though it's not from an accident. I'm hoping that if the dealership says it's not driveable that will qualify under comprehensive coverage, even though I'll have a deductible.

I have this fantasy that someone at the dealership will take pity on me and give me a car! Oh, well, I can fantasize for a couple of days, right? Well, no, maybe not. Need to do some real problem solving here.

I just feel more helpless and powerless than I think I've ever felt.

PaLady

Ry,
It helps a TON knowing I'm not alone. Not that I would wish this on you or anyone, but knowing I'm not the only one struggling I think helps with the shame of it all. The feeling that I've really messed up my life (I have made some poor financial decisions over the years, that would have had me better prepared for a crisis had I thought something really could happen to me!).

Anyway....it is so hard for me to ask for help, yet I'm having to do it over and over. I know there are some fairly serious things wrong with the car, but it's a Honda so I hope still worth fixing and i hope can get me through another couple of years. (Heaven only knows what I'll do then!) If I was working I'd be trading it in now. But I had to swallow my pride and tell the guy at the dealership (who remembered me from years ago) that I had lost my job and my health and was having problems. He said they would take a look at it and maybe map out what needed to be done now and what can wait. I really think I want the dealership to look at this problem. Other things like brakes I can get estimates on, but I want this fixed right and this is an older car and they're not even made anymore.

Oh, I'm going on too much. Time to put my head back in the sand and watch the Olympics!

Thanks again, Ry.

They should have some kind of a hug icon but for you this will have to count

PaLady

Paylady, I feel for you as I know what it is like to have your self worth (per Se) being stepped on. Remember, we are all equal in the end. I wish my tear ducts would become constipated! I hope you can look at the glass half full of goodies and not CHIT. I work on it daily. I used to look at the want ads too, I dream to go back to work. But looking at the ad's is almost considered torcher for me until I become treated approately by the medical profession. I do not know about what area you live in and what types of community assistants you are privy too. While I was waiting for disability to kick in I went to the red cross, Church's and homeless shelter for money to pay my bills. I try to remind myself that this is survival not pride at this point.
Hang in there! You are the greatest advice giver and reply-er I almost feel silly sharing my experience and insight with you.
Please don't take offence.
Cloe

Dear Friends,
I just wanted to thank everybody for all your responses. No offense taken, and Cloe, thanks for the kind words.

I don't know what I'd do without all of you!

PaLady

((((((((Hugs))))))) Pa . You have my shoulder too. I hope things get better for you.