hurting and on edge

I am hurting pretty bad today. I don't really know why. I didn't do alot around the house yesterday. And what I did do, I did real slow. So I don't think it was that. I did take 2 walks yesterday. The second one, I did make the 20 minutes. I was proud of myself. I walk real slow, so it wasn't real far that I went. I don't know why I am hurting so bad today. I just woke up this way and it has lasted all day. It has been 16 days since my surgery. I think I should be doing better than what I am doing. I still hurt alot and I walk in small slow steps. Some days the pain seems better and then there are days like today. I just hurt. 

I think I am getting depressed big time. I am prone to depression. I am trying hard to deal with it and "snap out of it" but it isn't that easy.  I am not used to this. I am used to being busy all the time-dealing with the kids, working full time, cleaning,cooking, shopping etc. And now there is this. Nothing. I can't do all of those things anymore. I pretty much do nothing. I will do very limited picking up and may fold a load of clothes sometime. My husband and son are doing everything.  I should be happy to have a break, but it's quite the opposite. And I miss work. I miss the co-workers and the patients. I love my job. I really do miss it. I know everything is going smooth without me, and I am glad. They have a float taking my place while I am out.

My nerves are shot. I am sitting in the recliner now. My husband is cooking steak,potatoes and a salad for my mothers' day meal. It is sweet. I just feel nothing. The t.v. is on and I can't hardly stand the sound of it. I seldom watch tv anyway. I could care less if it never came on. The kids voices are bothering me. They are just talking. They aren't being bad. The step kids are here too. So there are 4 here for the weekend. Fun.  I just want quite. I want to be alone. I think I will take a walk. I haven't walked today. And then I will go to my room and close the door and read a book. I don't even like the way I am right now. And I can't snap out of it. I think I just need to get away from everyone for a little while.

Anice

 

Hi Anice,

As Lorie said, 16 days is nothing! It takes months and months to heal from surgery - and I've found that surgeons ALWAYS underestimate the recovery time (it's not like they are actually the ones experiencing the effects, right?). Plus, some people just naturally heal slower than others. I for one know that I am a very slow healer. Depression is tough too. I fight it all the time. I think it's just a part of CP, and it too takes time to learn to deal with & recover from. I know the feeling that every little thing, no matter what, is bothering you. It's awful! Hopefully you were able to get some quiet alone time, and are at least feeling a little better emotionally! Hang in there, you're on a slow and bumpy road, but you are on the road to recovery!

Skeye

anice

Chutzie has given you some simply outstanding advice, I really do think you should consider it especially some counseling, you have allot going on, and as much as I myself and the rest of us want to help you, there is really not allot we can do except give you advice and support through our post, but we are not there with you and you really need person to person counseling to help you through this. Heck I go to counseling, I went to try and save our marriage and I continue to go to make it through this divorce! I go every two weeks, and it helps. Admittly most everything my counselor says, I have already heard from my friends and family here, but it still helps! Maybe it could help you to? You probably have quiite some time yet before you can go back to work don't you? I know you sure don't want to go back before you are healed up well!
anice your in my thoughts and prayers

White Beard

Anice,
You've been given some great advice, especially by Chutzie. Most people who go through major surgery end up feeling at least somewhat depressed, and if you're prone to depression anyway it's likely this even triggered it. And it's as physical as it is emotional. Please talk to your doctor about it, and give some serious consideration to an anti-depressant for awhile. Our bodies sometimes need some help resetting our biochemistry. I take an anti-depressant along with my CP meds. and am so glad I finally decided to. And having a good therapist to talk with as you make some life adjustments - or just go through this period - could be just what you need.

I also found that my doctor way underestimated healing time. His nurse was right on, but I wanted to believe the shorter time. It is frustrating, though, going through this.

I hope you consider some of the options, but keep on writing us. We understand.

Hugs,

PaLady

Thank you all for your posts. Each one of you had some great input. I really means alot to me that you really do care.

Yesterday afternoon I did take a walk. I spent the rest of the evening in my bedroom reading and just enjoying quiet. My husband brought my supper in my room and he ate in there with me. The slightest bit of noise gets on my nerves right now. I wish I wasn't that way. I just want quiet. And as hard as my husband is trying this house is anything but quiet so I am really on edge.

I am on a antidepressant already. I take elavil 10 mg 1-2 at bedtime. My PM doctor prescribed them for me. It was given originally for insomnia. He said it also had a component that helps with pain and it is a antidepressant. Maybe I need to have it changed or the dosage increased. I don't think it is helping right now. I am not supposed to see the PM again. Hopefully anyway. If I have to go back to him it would be because the surgery didn't work. And so far, I think it did. I have a internal med. doctor that treats me for my high blood pressure and graves' disease and just whatever else. And then there is the ortho. who did my surgery. I really don't know which doctor to discuss this with.

I am prone to depression. I have had it so many times. I guess the worst times for me were when my first husband passed away in 1998. My son was 9 months old at the time and it was on DEC 10. That was to be our first Christmas as a family. We were married for 10 years.He had a brain aneurysm. That was the worst time I ever had to get through. And then after my daughter was born, I had post pardom real bad. I was on Zoloft 200mg daily for about a year. So this isn't new to me. I can't stand being like this. I can't snap out of it. I only wish it was that easy. It isn't like a light switch you can just turn off and on. And those of you who have fought with depression know exactly what I am talking about.

I was told that I would be out of work for 6-8 weeks. I have another 4 weeks left to go. I actually miss work. I miss the patients. I enjoy my job. And I miss my co-workers. I want to go back to work as soon as I can. But I won't push it. Most people would be glad to take a little time off work. Not me. Ofcourse, it hasn't been enjoyable. I was off because of surgery.

I may need to check into some counseling. We have something called Employee Assistance Program and it covers atleast 3-4 sessions free.And ofcourse it is confidential. I have been before. And it isn't but about 5 minutes from my house. I will give it a few more days. If I don't see any change in my state of mind, I will call for an appt. I don't want this to get any worse than what it already is.

I have had alot to deal with lately. My husband taking my meds and my son's adhd meds was a biggie. Our meds are safe now. He has apologized to me. And I feel he really means it. However, I told him if he so much as takes even one more pill than he can pack his bags and leave my home. And I will follow through with that if it ever comes to it. He knows I mean what I say. I still count them from time to time. And they are all accounted for. I will no longer live like that. It is completely unacceptable to me. I also told him that I would contact the police should that time ever come. I believe he is sorry for doing that. And it has lead to a big trust issue on my part. He is being good to me. He and my son are doing all of the household stuff. He is doing a good job with the kids and the cooking etc. He really doesn't have a choice. And he is being attentive and sweet to me. I would like to hope that all of that is behind us and that we'll make it. I do love him. Only time will tell.

And the situation with him and my mother. That really hurt me, no I will say it devastated me. For them to yell and scream at one another... They were both to blame for that. It got way out of hand. My mother says it was all his fault. He said she started it. It doesn't matter who started it. They are both at fault in my eyes. It should have been talked out. My mother was livid. She was furious. And I understand her side too. I am her daughter and she loves me. She had just had enough herself, I guess. But the timing was all wrong. I needed her here to help me recover. Now she is back in TN...And now, she said she hopes she never lays eyes on him again. So that brings on a whole new problem. They won't be able to ever be in the bringing it up. I told her that I would rather not discuss it anymore, that it hurts me too bad. I remember her slinging my bedroom door open so hard that the door hit the wall and left a mark that wasn't there before. She said that she came in there laughing. That is not true. But I don't want to argue about it anymore. I just want to put it all behind me and try to move forward. I don't like being put in the middle between my husband and my mother. That isn't fair to me. He is my husband and she is my best friend. Nothing good came out of all of this chaous.

Going from being busy all the time with the kids, work, homework, cooking, cleaning to this has bothered me alot. I watch them do the things around the house, and it really gets to me. I have done very little. I am afraid of messing the surgery up. I can't do those things yet. And I won't. But it is just hard for me. A friend of mine said to enjoy it while it lasts. I guess I should, but I just can't.

I feel a big empty feeling inside that is real hard to explain. It is just this big,blank, emptiness inside. I don't like feeling this way. I wish I could just will myself to stop. If only it were that easy...

I am going to try to pull out of this on my own if I can. I don't want to change meds, or see a counselor. Money is real tight right now. I can't afford anything else added. I will read, work on my walking and get as much rest as I can right now. I am going to try to turn all this around and pull myself up. I have to!!!

I am so thankful for all of you. It helps me to be here on this forum. I feel okay as long as I am here. Does that make sense? I know that all of you understand the pain I am dealing with. My family tries to. But they haven't experienced it. So they really can't. All of you understand because you are dealing with your own pain. That is why we are all here. It means so much to me- your listening to me ramble,offering support and just being there. I can't thank you enough for all you have done for me.
Anice

Hey anice;

              When I had my last surgery the did a lumbar lam(L-4) with inner body fusion(L-3 to L-5) and bone graph(L-3 to L-4 and L-4 to L-5) and I have experienced the same thing you are experiencing right now, the worst part was where they drilled into my right hip and retrieve bone marrow so they could inject it around the bone towers they made for the graph, now what my surgeon told me was all of the muscles around the site of the surgery had been cut and that they were healing and that an increase in pain was expected during the healing process. The best thing you can do is keep walking and I promise that the pain will ease up, I was in your position and I am giving you this advise from experience. Whatever you do don't stop or worse yet walk with a cane that will only make things worse, I know! This pain increase will last for about a week but you have to stay focused and don't give up!!! wishing you all the best.  Sam

            

Anice,
You have been through so much in your life and now recently. I am concerned, though, that your post went from a good action plan - to see a counselor, to assess changing anti-depressants with your doctor - to trying to do it all on your own. You are prone to depression and that is not all emotional. It is physical in nature, and that's why anti-depressants help. Please talk with one of your doctors - if your internist is your primary care doctor, that might be the better place to start - about anti-depressants. If the zoloft worked for your post-partum, that might be a place to start. Zoloft is one of the few that doesn't pass through breast milk, so it's often used post-partum, but that doesn't mean it's the best one for you. Elavil is an older med. I'm surprised some others weren't tried, but maybe your PM doc knew what combination he thought would work best. But don't let this go on. There's no sense to feeling so bad -- and you're taking an anti-depressant which doesn't seem to be working.

And with all you've been through with the surgery and your husband and your mother I really would continue to encourage you to seek a counselor. If you want to go to your EAP person (that's free and close by, you said!) at least start there. And they can help direct you to other resources. If you want to get well in all respects, use all the help that's around you! You need someone to guide you through this and while we're here it's not the same as in person.

Hugs,

PaLady

Hi Anice, haven't been around much because of my own issues. Its just 16 days since surgery, which for a go-getter as yourself seems like a long time. But, you just had major surgery gal, and its going to take some time to heal. Try not to be so hard on yourself. Instead pamper yourself into healing. I know hard to pamper yourself when not use to it. Good to see you did the 2-20 min walks, walking is the very best exercise to build up strength and stamina. You do know alot of times when people have surgery, for some reason they are prone to depression afterwards, don't know why. My dr told me its the trauma the body goes thru. I know any time I have had major surgery afterwards, I would get depressed. I see you are on Elavil, not sure its being used much anymore for an anti-depressant do to so many others being offered on the market. I would make an appt and go in and see my PCP and let him/her know whats going. I think I would be willing to try one of the newer type of anti-depressants. You have had a full plate lately you know. Hang in there it will get better, just takes time....Susie

WhiteBeard,Thank you for your reply. I am still down but funcional. Today I did get two 20 minute walks in. It wasn't the three that the doctor wanted but it was better than none. I spent the day with my husband and kids around the house. It was a quite relaxing day. And I enjoyed it. I also did a good bit of reading. And I found that to be helpful to me.
My pain is doing a little better, I think. I am finding that I can go a little longer than q4h with the Lortab. I think that is a good sign. Mornings, night time and after walks, I do seem to hurt alot more. But I am slowly improving and for that I am glad.
I had an laminectomy L5S1 done. No I didn't have a fusion or graft. They did use cadaver bone to replace what was removed to my understanding. I do hope I never have to have back surgery again. It has been pretty bad for me. However, I hear that most people have more than one back surgery. And that is pretty scary for me. I am being real careful not to do anything I am not suposed to do. I don't want to mess anything up. I am glad to say that I think the surgery worked for me. The nerve pain is gone. I am so glad because it was unbearable at best. I had pain in my lower back, left buttock, left hip and it went down my left leg. Everytime I walked and stepped with my left foot the pain was almost enough to make me cry, which I did many times. I hurt constantly-every minute of everyday. And I would put it at a 8 or 9 on the pain scale. Now this pain is just at the surgery site. And both of my hips hurt. I think that is because I sleep or lie on either side. I can't lie down on my back but for a few minutes because it still hurts too bad.
Thank you for asking about me. That was real thoughtful of you. I hope that you are feeling better. I am keeping you and everyone in my thoughts and wishing everyone well.
Anice