still hurting

Hi everyone, Anyone ever wanted to pick up your laptop and throw it as hard and as far as you could? I am there right now. This is my 4th attempt to post.  I'll get pretty far and then poof it is gone. It happens to me all to often. I don't have any idea why this happens. These computers are suposed to be good. I am about fed up with mine. And I haven't even had it for long. Does anyone know why this happens????

Okay this is my very last attempt. If it doesn't work this time than I guess it just wasn't meant to be...I have been wanting to post for days. I keep putting it off because it seems all I do is complain about how bad I feel. I am tired of it and I know you are tired of hearing it. All of you have been so wonderful and caring and supportive of me. I am so glad that I have you. I was thinking if I got busy reading everyones' posts and what is going on with each of you that I would not think about my own stuff so much. It has helped some but I can't get passed these feelings.

It has been 4 weeks since my laminectomy. I am still hourting bad. My hips and buttocks have hurt since day 1. I thought both sides hurt the same. Now for about a week, I have noticed th

that the pain is worse on the left side. That is the side that was so bad before the surgery. It is a deep nerve pain that will not go away even a little. The lortab helps the pain everywhere else. I am thinking that the surgery did not work. But why would it show up now? Why would I just now notice this? I go to the Dr. next Tuesday. And I will tell him about all of this. I will write alot of things down because I won't depend on my memory. It is bad right now. I am so tired... tired of hurting, tired of the pain, tired of never feeling good. I want to feel better. I want to go back to work. I am a nurse in a busy pediatric office. I am on my feet alot during the day, constantly moving. I am not ready to go back. I can't even walk "normal" yet. My steps are still small and slow. I don't think I have overdone it. I am walking. I am not lying in the bed or couch all the time. I am moving around. I want so much for all this to be behind me. I have been dealing with this for so long now. I just hurt. I am not better. I don't know how long this is suposed to last. I've never had back surgery before. I don't know how I am suposed to feel. I know people heal differently. But I do know that I hurt bad.

And then I think of all of you that have been dealing with this pain for much longer than I have been. Some of you have been dealing with it for years. I don't know how you do it. I don't know how you keep on going. I don't know how you come to know it is what it is and move forward. I just admire all of your attitudes that are positive. I wish I could be that way. I know you have your high pain days and that it is never always good. I don't know what  I am trying to say here. I am probably not making any sense. I don't even know if I am making sense of this to myself.  All I know is that I am just sick of hurting constantly. And if I called my doctor before my appt. next week, what would I say? That I hurt all the time? That I don't think the surgery worked? That I can't sleep? That I can't eat right? I am sure they would say that I am being weak and wimpy about all this.

Thank you all so much for listening. I appreciate you all sooo much. It means so much to know that you take the time to read this and to care about me and put up with me.

Anice

 

Anice,
I'm so glad this post got through so that we could see how you're feeling. You are making perfect sense to those of us with CP. Maybe we have our own language. Please don't ever feel that you're complaining. Being tired of the pain - how we know!!!

First let me say while 4 weeks may seem like a long time, it's a heartbeat when it comes to recovering from back surgery IMHO. Everything my doctor told me, every time frame, was doubled or more when it came down to the reality. And nerves, well, they have a mind of their own. The fact you had some initial relief is a good sign, but nerves can take up to 2 years to heal. My understanding - and I'd suggest talking with your doctor about this next week - is that the nerve starts healing at the closest point to where it enters the spine, and then heals slowly out from there. And that's what can take months or years. And why sometimes the symptoms in feet, for example, may be the last to go, or may not go away at all because by then the nerve has stopped healing. Anyway, it may be a long time before that deep pain improves. And yes, there is the possibility it won't, but you really don't know that yet. I've been waiting for a year and a half from my fusion surgery and I guess a part of me stilll had some hope, but truthfully I've never had any relief. Still, I just saw someone here post it took 3 years for their nerve pain to heal and boy did my ears perk up! In my case, though, the surgeon has already found some scar tissue in the area of the nerve root.

That's why this healing time is SO important, because it's when scar tissue will form and you want as little of it as possible. So as far as work, please, please don't go back took soon. Err on the conservative side. Talk seriously with your doctor next week, but you ask what would you ask if you called your doctor. Well, saying that you can't sleep would be fine. Maybe he could give you something that would help you get some rest before Tuesday.

And you are NOT being weak and wimpy. Read that sentence over again, ok?!

We are here. And I'm sending you hugs, and saying write all you want!

(((((((((Anice)))))))))))

It may help you to just vent.

Oh - about the technical problems, I and a few others have had some recently, too. I'd suggest e-mailing Chutz and let her know what you experienced. This was the administrator can know how frequent it is.

PaLady

PALady,

Fusions do take a lot longer to settle down than laminectomies. My last fusion (#4 of 4) took a good 2 years before I really felt like it was going to be OK. Then another 3 years before maximum improvement. Five years is a long time to be recovering from anything. Younger people tend to grow bone faster and therefore takes less time to reach maximum improvement. But still, it is a long, long road.

Anise,
Hang in there. One day you will turn a corner and know that things are, indeed, improving. Four weeks is pretty early to judge. But hang in there, things do get better. At some point down the road you will be able to look back and think that wasn't so bad. Really.

Modelmaker

Hey Anice;

                I am sorry that you are still in so much pain, but if you are in that much pain you need to tell your Doctor he can not help you if you don't tell him what you are going through. Have you had x-rays done since your surgery? I now from personal experience the pain that you are feeling and feeling like you wont ever get better but you will, the most important thing you can do is keep walking and try not to "baby" yourself, I remember in one of your last posts that you were thinking about going to PT, have you gone? after my surgery's PT was the best thing that helped me recover. hope that you get to feeling better.

                                Sam

       

Once again, thank you all for your heart felt replies. It means so much to me to know that you really do care. Your support has been awesome and I really appreciate being a part of such a wonderful family. Words just can't adequately express how much you all mean to me. I am at a loss for the correct words.

PALady, I had tears rolling down my face reading your reply. It touched me so much. And I did do what you said, I did read and reread the part about me not being weak and wimpy. I really am trying. I probably should call my doctor, but I will wait until Tuesday. I've waited this long, what's a few more days? I want to get my thoughts down and organized first. And I am not there yet. You are such a big help to me and the others here. I am not sure exactly when I will return to work. I have atleast 2 weeks left. The 6 weeks time frame sounded like a long time. It actually is going by pretty fast. I don't want to go back to soon either. But we are struggling bad financially right now. And we need the money in a bad way. I will most likely be back to work when the 6 weeks are up, maybe one more. We'll see.

cshelp: No I haven't been put on a Solu-Medrol pack. I have taken the medrol dose packs in the past. I may mention it to my doctor at my next visit. Before when my back would flare up, I would always get the medrol or a celestone shot and it always worked. In August, when I got the celestone shot, I fell that night in the bathroom. So the shot never got the chance to work. I don't know if that was when the discs hereniated or what. But it's been downhill since then. I haven't thought about trying it again. Thanks for mentioning it, I'll sure ask about it and see if it's an option.

Modelmaker: Thanks for your encouragement too. I know the the fusion is more complex than the laminectomy. I hope I don't need to go that route in the future. But this hasn't been easy for me at all. I don't know if I will ever be able to look back and say it wasn't that bad! But then again, I don't know what my future may hold. I may be suprised. I am ready to turn the corner and know things are improving. I sure hope that happens.

Hollycat: I doubt the ortho. will give me anything stronger for the pain. I would have to go back to my PM for a different med, I think. And if I find that the surgery didn't take, I will most definitly go back to him. He was helpful and willing to try different meds if what I was on needed to be changed. The lortab is actually working okay except for the left hip and buttock. And if this is indeed nerve pain again, nothing would help... I'll just have to wait and see a little longer before I know exactly what is going on. Thank you for your reply.

Pete: You did make me laugh. Thanks I need to laugh. And yes you are a silly man. I am afraid I will be in the nut house, if I can't pull myself together!! Yes, these meltdowns are no fun at all. I know you understand this. I know we all know how they are. Laughter is good medicine. I am glad that it is working for you. And I am glad you are whistling and singing and laughing. I guess it's all part of being a clown!! But it's working. And you are great at making people laugh. I felt no where near laughing, but it did make me laugh.Thanks dear buddy!!

Golitho, Thank you for your post. It was encouraging. And no, I don't want to throw anything at you!! You are right about what all you said. I will try to remember it and do it.You are right.And it was helpful to me.

Sam: Yes, I did have and xray after the surgery. I had them when I went to have the staples out at my last appt. My aunt was with me. I'll have to ask her the specifics on what he said. My memory is mush right now. That is aggravating, because that is an important question. That is why I asked her to go with me. I'll have to get back to you on that one. And about the PT... I haven't started that yet. I go for my next appt. on Tues. I'll find out more about it then. If he suggests it, I will go for certain. I will do whatever I need to do to get better. I am walking and I'm not intentionally trying to "baby" myself. I don't want to do the wrong things to cause any damage.

Okay, I guess that is enough for now. It is 5:15am. I am going to read for awhile before waking everyone up to start their day. I went to my room when my husband and the kids got home last night. I just didn't want to be around anyone. I read and then went to sleep. I woke up about midnight and I've been up every since then. I'll probably go back to bed for a while when they leave at 7. I just need this quiet time right now. I do love to read. And it helps to get my mind off of all this for a while. I am trying to get at peace with everything and get a grip on my life as it is at the moment...


Thank you all again. You are great and wonderful friends-a big blessing to me.
Anice

Post Edited (anice) : 5/22/2009 4:20:58 AM (GMT-6)

Anice;

        Xrays are very importaint after surgery because it tells the Doctor how much scar tissue was created when you had the surgery and of course the more scar tissue the more pain so you need to find out what he found on the Xray. whishing you all the luck

                                                                                   Sam

No, I am not better today. I guess you could say I am worse. I did sleep until about noon, But I woke up alot, so I don't  cosider that to be much rest. I slept about 4 hours total.

I am still physically the same. I still hurt. I guess that is just the way it is. I am sinking into a deep depression. I hurt but there is alot of emotional stuff going on too. I have reached the end of my rope. Now all I can do is tie a knot and swing. I have to keep going on b/c of the kids. I have spent my day crying...all day long. When I wasn't crying, I read some to keep my mind occupied. That didn't work. Tears just kept coming. There is no off switch...

My husband is NOT working. There is no excuse for this. It isn't that he can't work, it is that he won't work. I own my mobile home. I had it paid for way before I got married. I live in a mobile home park. Lot rent hasn't been paid. Today is the 22nd...I have never been this late. And there is no money to pay it. I don't get paid until next Friday. Some of the other bills haven't been paid. I am also late on my bankruptcy payment. It was b/c of him and this same bs that I had to file in the first place. The bankruptcy court doesn't play. As of today, I am 3 months behind. I wrote my trustee a letter last week explaining everything and begging for my case not to be closed...All of this is b/c he won't work. I was promised when I had to have this surgery, that he would do right and take on the responsibilities. Well, that was some more of his empty promises... I am so upset. So not only do I have to deal with hurting physically, now I have slipped into a depression that isn't good. I know I am going to have to give the ultimatium tonight. If he won't work, then he must leave. I was alone for 5 years,just me and my son, after my husband passed away. It was hard, but I always had my bills paid and they were never more late than a couple days. I even made less money then...I will not keep going like this. I will not let him destroy me anymore. I do love him. I am not in love with him anymore. I have no respect for a man who will not support his family. It isn't like he can't do it. So I will tell him if he is not working, than he must leave. I will file for a seperation and then a divorce. I don't need him. I have myself and I have my children to think about... He has been nice and sweet and doing things for me since the surgery. And I appreciati it.But I can do without all that. I need a paycheck from him. I am serious. If he won't help pay the bills, than he can/will leave. My bank account is also overdrawn again 180.00...He did that. And it has happened many times. I am just so upset and tired, exhausted is more like it. All my strength is gone. I am having alot of anxiety and depression. I haven't eaten today. I feel like if I ate, I would choke. I can't seem to swollow right. I am drinking plenty. I won't dehydrate. And I could stand to lose some weight...

I will pull myself together. I have done it so many times. My kids need me. And I need them. That is what has pulled me through everytime. And it will again.

I am going to have to go back to work. I really don't have a choice. Bills have to be paid. And it is left to me. I imagine he will leave. I don't know where he will go, he really doesn't have a place. But how much has he cared for me? He did get us into this finanacial mess. I will figure it all out. I no longer want him if he won't help me with the bills. Too much has happened. I don't think I'll be able to live with him anymore like this. And this is my house. He will leave if he won't man up and do right permantley. I have had enough. Life is too short. And I have to do the right thing here. I have to survive and be here for my kids. Today, I have felt like the life has been sucked out of me. But I will be okay.

I am embarassed to post all this. He may not change. And a person can only take so much. I won't continue to allow him to destroy me any longer. I just won't. I have finally had enough...If there won't be a paycheck from him week after week, then he has lost his family. And you know what? Even if he does man up and do right, I am not sure I can move past this anymore. It has just happened too much. And it is my fault too, for allowing it to continue and not being a B..... and making him do right. See, I won't argue with him. I won't fight with him...I refuse to go there. And I haven't meant to allow it by it being okay with me. This has never been okay with me. But I haven't made him leave. And if things don't work out and he won't leave(he told me once that he won't leave) then, I'll call the police and they can make him leave.

How much could he really care about me, if he continues to do this? He says he loves me. I don't believe that. I think he just wants a gravy train. Well, this gravy train has run dry. I don't have anything left to give him. He has destroyed all that.

I am going to be forced to go back to work before I have recovered. I don't feel like I can do it. But you do what you have to do. I don't really have a choice. I'll have to tell the Dr. next week to please release me so I can get back to work. I will be honest with him, and explain the situation. I am really backed up against the wall. I don't have a choice. I have got to have money. We are broke...

Anice

Oh Anice, I am so sorry everything is so stressful financially, on top of your surgery and then you have a husband who won't for whatever reason help. Have you asked him why? I can understand why you want him out but to go back to work when you are still in so much pain!!! Oh you poor baby. Wish I lived closer to give you a hand. PAlady is very wise, talk to your Mom or negotiate part time work. Your work may be understanding too, I teach practical subjects and my work has been brilliant at modifying things for me. I have such trouble bending maybe just getting out there and talking to people someone will help with some sort of solution for you. Best of luck and cry on our shoulders anytime, golitho.

Anice,
Dear girl, I'm so sorry. When I started reading your post, it made me sad that right away you said you were no better or even worse than yestarday. Then when the real reason for your pain and depression surfaced, my tears started flowing but tears turned to anger when you spoke about your husband. How could someone be so pittyful to just stand by and let such a thing happen to their family? 20 years ago, I'd have jumped in my car and taken a ride and paid a little visit to this so called husband of yours. I'm not proud of the way I behaved back when I was a young man but I'd have opened a can of woopass on this person the like of which he's never seen before! I met my wife over 30 years ago when she was a bartender and I was a bouncer but I was never a bully! No one got anything they didn't deserve! I know a lot of my friends here will disagree with me but what he has done to you makes me so mad I could scream! He is what we New Jersey Itallians used to call a spongado! A parisite, oh I'm sorry Anice, I shouldn't be talking about him like this in our forum, I just can't help it!
I'm so sorry,
Pete

Thank you Lorie and Pete, and no offense taken at all. He is not my favorite person right now by any stretch of the imagination. Infact, it makes me furious with him myself. How dare he do this to me? It just hurts me so bad. It is my name on that checking account. It is my name on all these bills. We have no money now. I have no milk for my kids cereal. All the groceries are getting low. And I have 2 cigarettes left. I know I shouldn't smoke, but I guess in a little while I won't be a smoker any more. I just wasn't planning on quiting like this.I am so humiliated and ashamed of myself for all of this. I am going to have to ask my mom for money again. Before, she saw the need and gave it without me asking. Now I have no choice but to ask. And ofcourse she hates him now. And says she never wants to see him again. But I am in a really bad spot. I know it isn't directly my fault. I didn't allow him not to work. But, I was going to wait and see what happens, it he straightens out, before I made any major decisions. I wanted to heal and recover first. But I guess it didn't work out that way. I only blame myself for "allowing" him to do me this way again, and again and again. And frankly I am sick and tired of it. I do not deserve this. I do not want his lies anymore. I can't believe a word he says. I don't even want to look at him. I am in a bad emotional place, shouldn't suprise me. I come here all too often. I am not my mothers responsibility. I am 39 and I should be stable finacially and emotionally by now. I have my children. He went to bed early. So I didn't get to have the talk that I wanted to have tonight. But I will have my chance tomorrow.And he has one more issue that I have a big problem with. He has an addiction to inappropiate material...  It makes me sick to my stomach, I could vomit,excuse me. It has been a big problem and it is only getting worse. So I have some big thinking to do here. When you add this all up, it should be no question as to what I should do. He should leave and let's get on with the divorce. I have no problem with that. He makes sooo many promises to do this or that and never does any of them. And to top all this off, I have major AC problems. He knows how to fix it. He even has a new unit that was given to him. And he has not connected it yet. I do have 2 window units, but it is fixing to get hot... and he again promises me he'll fix it. I think I have seriously had enough of him and his lies and his problems. And it is obvious he has some pretty big ones. I want him to leave now. I am really fed up. He has had chance after chance after chance. It is over for me. I am through. The problem is getting him to leave. I have told him to many times to leave and he says he isn't going anywhere. I do know he doesn't have a place to go. And I am sorry for that. He has no one to blame but himself. I have been a good wife to him. I never nag and complain or scream or holler at him, even when I could/should.I only ask that he work and be a man and take care of his family. That is a given for most men.But then again, he isn't most men.He had a truck that I bought and paid for with MY income tax a couple years ago. Well, I sold it.We needed the money and if he wasn't working-why would he need a truck? It was in my name. Anyway you would think that would have made him wake up and do right. Oh God, I am so sick of the whole, entire thing. And all this stress may be why I haven't gotten better. I am burried already by all this additional bs I don't be needing to worry about.

Thank you, friends. I am so sorry for all these long posts. But I have no one to talk to about this. I will work it out. I cried a river earlier. Now I am mad. I know the decision I need to make. I can make it without him. I'm doing it anyway. But my bills aren't all paid...But by myself I can pay my bills, my bankruptcy(if they don't close the case) and take care of my kids. He has had my bankcard for a month now. And he has sure done some damage with it. I am now overdrawn 200.00! He knows I am mad.That is why he is being a coward and asleep.He doesn't want to deal with the reprocussions he has coming to him.

I'll swollow my pride(what little I have) and call my mother tomorrow. Maybe she will have my stepday send me a moneygram to walmart. And she may not do it. But I will ask. I don't know what else to do in the meantime...
Anice

Post Edited (anice) : 5/22/2009 9:53:38 PM (GMT-6)

Thank you FatherJohn, As I read your post,I have tears rolling down my face. It really hit home. I know you are right...I cannot accept advise from my mother, she won't give it. She says it is up to me what to do. Even when I ask her, she won't budge on that. She has always been like that. And I hate to ask her for money. It is so embarassing and humiliating. She does have it. But I am not suposed to ask for help. I am an adult with a family. It is wrong every way you look at it. The money she has is hers, it should be used for her only, not for me with my dysfuncional life right now.

I know I need professional help. But, I am soooo tired. This is going to be a long difficult journey for me and my kids. It will be rocky for a long while. I just don't want to go to counseling right now. I can do this. All these emotions are so fresh and raw right now, I am scared they'll keep me.I am an emotional wreck. I just don't have the physical strength right now. I feel so drained already. And it hasn't even started yet.

I will take it one bite at a time.That is a good one. I will seperate the issues and deal with them one at a time. I know it will be a long process.

Thank you. I appreciate all of you so much...
Anice

Hi Anice:

I am relieved that I didn't offend you with what I said about your husband last night.  Although I believe them to be true, I was afraid that I went a little to far, and if I did, I am sorry.

You have been on my mind every day since your first post, I think about you and your children and wonder how you are feeling today, hoping that the pain is easing as each day goes by, and I just don't understand how he can see first hand what you and your body have been through and turn around and treat you this way.

I need to shut up, but I just want you to know that I really do care what happens to you and your children, and I wish that there was more that I could do than to just be here when you need to vent.

Lorie 

Lots of hugs for you, Anice! (((((((((((((((((anice)))))))))))))))))))))

Skeye