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I hate my body

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Chronic Pain
How has chronic pain affected your relationship with your significant other?
It has had little affect - 0.0% - 0 votes
It has definately taken a toll on both of you, but overall you are okay - 33.3% - 4 votes
They say they understand, but you still feel alone - 33.3% - 4 votes
They are tired of hearing about your issues - 8.3% - 1 votes
All you do is argue with each other all the time now - 25.0% - 3 votes
You broke up/got divorced over this - 0.0% - 0 votes
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Posted 7/3/2010 5:21 PM (GMT 0)
I know to a "normal" person this would sound totally ridiculous, but I am sure to all of you, well, you will get it.

My mind is active, my soul is down but allright, it is just my darn body!!!

I feel like the only time I am free is when I am sleeping.  I dream of doing things that I can not do right now.  I want to do them.  I actually sometimes get really jealous of people, flitting around with no pain, complaining about everything.

I feel if I could just stay in bed, with my mind connected to a robot so I could go to work, and wash my car, and mow the grass.  Well, really the machine would be doing it but I would control it.  I could live throgh the robot.

Is that stupid?

I don't know.  I just don't even know who I am anymore.  I am a completely different person than I was before this whole thing started.

It's been a year and a half.

A year and a half of my life, wasted. 

Gone.

I am tired. 

Tired of laying on the couch, tired of wasting time, tired of complaining, tired of crying, tired of wanting to do things, tired of feeling guilty, tired of praying, tired of hoping, tired of feeling sorry for myself...

Just tired of this.

Jay

 

Posted 7/3/2010 10:55 PM (GMT 0)
jay
I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. I know it won't make you feel any better but please know we have all been exactly where you are at.
I don't know how many times I had wished that it would all go away 0r I felt I couldn't hold on for one more day or that there was no point to continue but really, what choice do you have but to keep on keeping on? I hate to say this my friend but you sound pretty darn depressed. Are you talking to anyone about it? Can you share your feelings with someone? We are here for you to listen and hopefully help. Its a great community and we are here for you.
Do you want to tell us your story? It does help to talk, hell it helps to talk and cry and vent..just to get it out and prove to yourself that you are alive.
Please keep talking, let us know what happened..just try, as hard as it is, to NOT give up.
we are here for you my dear Jay.

catahoula
Posted 7/4/2010 12:47 AM (GMT 0)
 

   Dear Jay,

 

     Good evening. My name is Dani. It is very nice to meet you. I am glad you came to the Chronic Pain forum here in the Healing Well Community. I hope you find it to be a great place for friendship, support and knowladge.

 

     I am so sorry pain is effecting your life so greatly. Though I wish pain didnt change who we are as people, the sad fact is that it not only changes us, but it also changes everyone in our lives aswell. The trick is to make sure that you grow into someone who you are comfortable with and can enjoy life as the new you. Pain psychologists are very important part of our wellness. They help you to mourn who you once were and help you to re build who you are as a person. Change hobbies, what you find enjoyable, how you view life, how you go about daily tasks (CBT).... I could go on forever. Here is an article that I think best describes the role of a pain psychologist~~>

 

~~> http://www.4therapy.com/consumer/conditions/article/7282/489/I+Have+Chronic+Pain,+Why+Do+I+Need+a+Pain+Psychologist%3F

    Support groups are also a big part of building you support system. A place you can talk about all aspects of pain and can share the ups and downs of living with chronic illness. Either online or at your local community center is a good place to start. Noone but other people living with chronic pain will ever be able to fully "understand". It is a sad fact, but true. Since we are all in the same boat, so to speak, alot of the communication barriers that you have with others do not exist here. We accept you for YOU.

 

       Mind my asking what your pain is from? Sometimes it helps to talk about how you got to the point where you are at. We really do understand here. We don't judge here. We don't place expectations on you that you cannot live up to. We care, we really do.

 

    I know it feels like you have wasted so much. But really, what you have done the last year and half is survive. You have endured through alot of pain, and when all was said and done... you reached out to others who are like you. You are here. There is alot to be said of that.

 

    I hope you can find a few moment to rest today. It was very nice to meet you. I look forward to getting to know you better. Stay strong friend.

 

*hugg*

  dani

 

Posted 7/4/2010 3:04 AM (GMT 0)
Dear Jay, I am so sorry for how you feel right now and for having to seek out this forum, but please know that you have come to a great place with amazing, caring people! They have become my second family! The so very sad part is.....with chronic pain....you are a different person now! But please try not to dwell on what you have lost the past year and instead think about how you made it through the last year! Like Dani said, we will all change but we need to try and grow into someone we are comfortable with! There is a very real stage of chronic pain where you have to mourn the lifestyle you lost. During this time, I told my husband several times that I was going to divorce him......because this pain may ruin my life but I loved him too much to let it ruin his!!! Thankfully, my husband is an incredible person and has stuck it out! He is very caring and compassionate... but he will still never understand me now...like other people with chronic pain do! This forum may not be the place for you, you may be looking for or needing something else right now! We can not fix you and we can not give you medical advice.......but we can be there for you!!!! We can listen and talk to you, we can tell you about our experiences, We can give you support and understanding in a way that only people with chronic pain can! You can write 1000+ words just venting about whatever and no one here will judge you or 1000+ word about the sadness that consumes you and no one here will pity you!! They will, however, listen to you and UNDERSTAND what you are saying and where it is coming from! So if this is not for you....please, please, PLEASE keep searching for the outlet you need! If it is.....PLEASE KEEP POSTING!! Know that we are here, we understand and we do care!!

Anyway....again welcome and take care of you!!!

Beckey
Posted 7/4/2010 4:56 AM (GMT 0)
Hello Jay,
It's nice to talk to you. Like Dani and Becky have both said, you have come to a group of people who are understanding and compasionate and listen without any judgement. We all laugh and cry together and pray for each other's pain and sadness. We've all walked in the shoes of chronic pain....some for years and years. There are big shoulders here to cry on and gentle arms to embrace you as you go through this journey. Please tell us your story as others here may have already lived through similar circumstances and can offer ideas to help. Anyway, welcome and I hope we hear back from you.
Nurse2
Posted 7/4/2010 7:03 AM (GMT 0)
First of all, welcome to the Healinf Well Chronic Pain site.  I so wish you did not have the pain issues you are dealing with and did not have to seek out this website for insight.  Dani Henson did an great replyand good recommendations for dealing with chronic pain.  I have been dealing with debilitating chronic pain issues for going on 9 years.  I am a firm believer in chronic pain support professionals, like pain psychologists, and support groups.  You can definately pick up pearls of wisdom that you can use about treatments, ease of suffering, and daily living.  My one caveat is that you becareful not to get sucked into the "chronic pain" mind set.  I do not want to offend anyone, but there are times in these support groups when too much time is spent on the crippling and debilitating issues that we have no control over, but very little time is spent on success stories and dramatic improvement in the qualitiy life stories.  It is very important to have a place to vent your frustations and with people who are sensative to you specific needs.  Becareful that you do not spend too much time venting and not enought time with opportunities which improve your life.  There is the old saying about how you look at life ..... A half a glass of water sits on the table.  When you see it, do you describe it as being half empty or half full?  If you said half empty, you might be looking at things from a more negative stand point.  If you said half full,  you see things in a more positive out look.  This glass and how you view life are the same for people with chronic pain.  Does the pain make your life half empty and you only dwell on what you have lost and what you can no longer do.........or does it make you half full, where you definately have limitations, but there are still alot of things you can do and are always looking for suggestions on medications, therapies and life style changes that can make your life better. When you find a support group, make sure the it falls into the "half full" category.  This  means that  the support group has a positive over tone and does not always dwell on the negative and drag you down with it.  It should give you ideas on what is avaialble to help you live and more fulfilling life. Good luck in coming to terms with your pain.  I hope you can make peace with what you have lost and be thankful for what you can still do and what you can look forward too. 
Posted 7/4/2010 10:11 PM (GMT 0)
Jay, I do hope you will read Stella Marie's post very carefully, what she says is so true. Many times we do get "caught up" in the CP world that we can forget what we still do. We do have to find ways to distract ourselves from the pain, it can be done. You may have to approach something you did before in a different manner, we learn to adapt to our situation. I am sure there are many things you can still do-you just dion't know it right now, but you are not useless. Hang in there.
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