One thing you wish your spouse could understand

I love my husband. He is a wonderful man and cares for me very much. I have been getting sicker and sicker for as long as we have known each other 12yrs and just had our 6th wedding anniversary in June and celebrated our 9th yr together on new years eve and we have had to go through a lot together and he is only 32 and I just turned 30 in the beginning of Dec so I want to believe that we understand each other pretty well but lately we have been doing nothing but fighting.

I have OCD and have always been the most dominant one taking over all the household responsibilities and slowly learning how to let go of my anal retentive ways and just appreciate what he does for me. I have a daycare and I have special needs children that find me and need me to be understanding, patient, and very structured. I am all these things on my best days and I can get myself turned around pretty quickly (i think, may be longer than i am proud of but still i don't stay mad all day and take a moment to calm down before i try to address any situation and make sure i don't say yes right away but have made it a habit to say that i need to think about it, give a concrete time i will have made my decision by and honestly for the most part I do believe I make a fair decision, take everyone's interests into account and are ready with my answer by the time I said I would. I am trying very very hard.) no matter what i do though my husband is so used to me taking care of everything that he is extremely uncomfortable taking over and I am extremely upset because I have gotten to the point I can no longer handle daily life and am needing tremendous support and in so much pain that I do have a temper that flares but I really try and go calm down and come back with a better attitude to discuss it but by then he is already mad and won't work with me so we let it go, he gets mad everything i bring anything up and then i get mad and we are back where we were.

I wish with all my heart that he knew me well enough to know that the decisions I make are for the best for the entire family and that I have done my best by presenting all the options, pro's and con's and really really try to encourage any more ideas so that we can all make the best decision that we are all happy with. but he never has anything helpful to say he just goes around in circles telling me all the things that could go wrong, will go wrong and that it is all wrong but won't come up with anything else so i have to make a decision which is then all on me if it goes wrong. I don't know how to talk to him to make him see that even though I am not on top of my game I am doing above and beyond what I think I can do and pushing myself everyday just to make it through and still be patient, happy, and optimistic. I'm really really afraid that this is going to ruin our marriage and that I am starting to hate him for not stepping up when I needed him the most when I have molded and shaped our lives to have the best we can with what we have no matter if we have nothing but he doesn't understand that you have to alter course sometimes, you have to change your mind, you have to take risks, you have to say i just can't i'm sorry, you have to take time to take care of yourself, and things just won't get better on their own. He's like my freaking cheerleader always saying that things always work out so there is no sense in worrying or trying to change anything but he doesn't understand how much work it takes to keep things going and how much it helps to always be open to new options that might be better even if they are not what you would like out of life but just what you are comfortable holding on to. We have been through so much i understand his hesitation to let go of anything but we are failing right now and admitting defeat and taking some time to heal might be our only option to make sure we get back on our feet later but he see's it as giving up and losing all we worked so hard for, which we would but right now I am racking up debt just to keep trying to stay open when moving to a smaller place and downsizing my daycare might be so much better for me and less stress and easier for me to handle. he doesn't understand what it takes to get through a day but he can't fill in for me because in 20min's the house is in total chaos with all the kids crying and him losing his mind not knowing what to do but he refuses to learn. I hate him for being this selfish but it's also my fault because I refused to let him help and just a few years ago started telling him he had to start trying. I have spoiled him and I'm afraid I will hate him before he figures it out. I was wondering if any of you had marital problems that you have tried things to help teach them about what our life is like and that we love them and try even harder just to get the basics done some days.

If there was one thing you wish your spouse knew what would it be and how would it change your relationship? Have you tried anything that helps work out problems of misunderstanding and communication?

Thank you all for taking the time to read this and my thoughts and prayers go out to all of you.

I wish he understood how much help I could use around the house, last night he came home
from work ate the home cooked meatloaf dinner, played some games and watched tv, he
never once lifted a hand to do the dishes, he knows how hard and tried I get from cooking
and meatloaf might seem simple, but all the side dishes, I wish...It hurts to lift a 2lb
meatloaf to go into the oven and to take it out, once I forgot and used my left hand
and almost dropped it onto the floor, I burned my hand saving it, only a slight burn...
so yes help with household chores...

I can relate to you a lot. With my mom who is my closest support to me I tend to get upset and not stay calm but with everyone else I stay calm. Could you write your husband a letter and then read it to him? I did that with my mom. It helped not to get flustered. I do feel our condiitions impact our loved ones but it is their responsibility to learn to cope with us but also our responsibility to tell them what we need and to be kind to them. On a side note I don't mean to be negative but you stated you have OCD and it does seem that you like things done in a specific way. Now when others help us it may not be done in the way you want or you would do but learning to accept it may have to be. I think maybe a comprimise between the two of you where you both give a little. Maybe ask your spouse what he would like from you? For ex I went through a period that was extremly bad mentally with everything physically that happened to me. I was not coping but my family kept telling me that which did not help. So I asked then how should I cope with what I was facing? That started a conversation and I began to see more what I needed to do for myself but also my family saw more where I was coming from. I hope I making sense. Could you ask him if he is scared or that you feel he is taking his frustration out on you? I do think communication is key.I am sorry Chart too for your struggles with your spouse.

thank you all for your answers. You all have very very good ideas and I am really trying to figure out what is going on because every time I think we have an understanding he starts everything all over again. We met 12yrs ago and have been trying to figure out how to live with each other ever since so i'm having a hard time summing it up for anyone to understand and help me. I totally understand how all I wrote was confusing and I was mad when I wrote it so I wasn't thinking straight either. I really really appreciate you all taking the time to ask questions and give such insightful, helpful advice. thank you.

I got with him when I was 18 and we had to separate because we both needed to grow up and be better people. When we got together again when I was 21 and we had both changed quite a bit and worked out the things that broke us up the first time right away but living with someone is very hard and the longer we live together the more we have to work at it. We are both very strong personalities so when we fight we really fight and don't hear a word the other is saying and are just out to hurt, which we both are very precise and efficient at doing. I have worked very hard to overcome my OCD and talk to my dr about it when I feel I am not handling it well. I went from having a full blown panic attack when someone "did the dishes out of order" or "used the wrong cloth on the wrong thing" or "flushed the toilet without first closing the lid". I got help and now I don't even feel the need to look when my husband does chores and he is trying to be considerate about the things that are really really important to me. I very rarely have a problem anymore with feeling anxious about how the chores are done and if I absolutely must redo it I do it when my turn comes around next (we alternate chores) or in the middle of the night when I cannot sleep and nobody will know, sometimes I just can't help it but I have not yelled about it, corrected in front of him, or got upset about the help he is giving me in 4yrs. I keep track cause it's like being on the wagon for me and I have to really really work at it sometimes and am very proud of myself at how well I have been doing.

We all discussed a chore chart to help us remember what needs done and who's turn it is to do it. After awhile everyone just feels unappriciated and that nobody notices so now we have it in writing and initial the chores we do that are extra so that they all get done and we can see how much we have been helping and do our best. It is a positive reinforcement rather than one of us having to remind the other or get mad because the other "forgot" or "didn't understand" , it was all discussed, negotiated, agreed upon, and is in writing. We set renegotiation terms for 3 months out so that at that time we can all talk about how it is working, new ideas, and change it if we need to and try it again for 3 months before we can change it again. This makes us give it our best and really take our agreements seriously. He still refuses to do his chores. He decides he wants to do something else, doesn't tell anyone, does it and then expects someone else to just do the chore that was supposed to be his because he decided to do theirs. Our chore list is broken up in sections and we alternate daily cleaning of Bathroom, Toy Room, Living Room, Entertainment Room and Bed Room. All daily chores that need to be done per room can be done by myself and within no more than 30-45 min's time (sometimes it takes me longer due to having a really bad day but I can still do it and do do it). After that we have a list of weekly chores, monthly chores, seasonal and annual chores that must be initialed so that we all know what has been done and when all chores in the section are initialed we erase all of them and start over. This eliminated doing the same "easy" chore over and over but forgetting to ever do the harder, nastier stuff and motivation to do the "better" chores is naturally there before someone else does them all and then you just have to choose from what is left until it gets reset again. He agreed to finish what he starts in one week time from when he says that he'll do it and has never kept his word about it. When he is asked to do something he gives a list of 100 reasons why he can't. I have discussed that I what I need from him is ideas on how to do things because the other way is not helpful, he refuses. I have asked that when one of us feels like we are getting upset by the conversation we are having that we inform the other and write down what we feel the problem is, explain our side, and come up with 1-2 ideas on how to fix it. After we have it finished we agreed to come together and negotiate an agreement taking all ideas and compromising with each other. He refuses, he just wants to yell and stomp off and then come back later and tell me to just forget about it and be nice. He refuses to fix anything or keep his word about what we agreed upon.

Example: He is off from work for the winter. I and my assistant have many medical conditions and struggle everyday to go above and beyond our capabilities so we asked for his help since he is home. I talked with him about needing to lay down while the kiddos were down for a nap. I told him that I was exhausted and hurting badly and that my meds were making it hard for me to wake up. Could he listen for the kids and if he didn't want to watch them wake me up when they woke up. I awoke to fighting, screaming children who were playing unsupervised!!! I had entrusted my kids to another capable adult who did not stay within hearing distance and knew nothing about what they were doing. Luckily I am not a very light sleeper so they probably hadn't been up long and were the older kids, no babies, but they should never be left alone for any amount of time. they are special needs children who may be 6 and 7 but have the mental capacity of about a 3yr old. I was furious. He tells me that he misunderstood. He thought he was just supposed to listen for the kids and he didn't hear a thing! When I explained what listening for the kids entailed ( being within earshot, waking me up if I didn't hear them or being in the room as a supervising adult) and that I needed to be able to depend on him when I need a break he throws a fit tells me I need to be more clear, and is mad he has to help at all. "You obviously can't run a daycare right now and I don't see why I have to help so much when it's your job." this is what he says to me. Two weeks ago we discussed that I am doing extremely bad health-wise and am needing a pain pump, my assistant/roomie/bf just got diagnosed with fibromyalgia and is currently waiting on test results so that the dr can start her on something that will help with the pain and get her back to functioning, the house we live in is expensive and big for my daycare (when my daycare is half full it pays 75% of the bills and we need the space to have as many kids as we do without walking on top of each other, my landlord has discounted our rent due to the fact we are a low income daycare and it is way less than any house it's size in the area we live in). If we did not get help we must move to a smaller house and decrease our occupancy so that we could run the daycare with only one person when needed, as it is right now both of us are "on duty" when we have kids here and never get days off because neither of us can handle it by ourselves right now and need two people to take good care of the kids and get everything done. We are exhausted, we need to either get some help or downgrade so that we can take personal time as well before we collapse. We all decided to work together because we worked really really hard to get this house, establish the daycare and provide me with work I could do, and have big plans for improvement for the next 5yrs that would improve our life and situation. The day before I asked him to listen for the kids he took the whole eve off and day off to go to a concert with a friend that we had purchased tickets months ago and we encouraged them to do nothing but have fun and have a nice holiday, which they did. The next day he slept in until 9:30 when the kids got here at 7:50, my bf was supposed to have the day off but got up to help me because I was alone so naturally I was upset but decided to discuss it with him later. I tried think about how to say what I need in a nice way. I was having a very hard day and hurting very badly. I had paperwork to do and the guy called to see if he could bring them over and go over it with me, my husband answered the phone and told him that he would take the kids so that I could have a break cause I was hurting and do paperwork with him, I was very appreciative and thanked him several times. We went out to the garage so that we could have quiet and discuss business, within 5mins here comes my husband to stand next to me, I excused myself and asked him if I could help him with anything he said no and kept standing there so I finally said "honey, you need to go back in and take care of the kids, you agreed to replace me." I said it calmly but probably had a bit of frustration in my voice for obvious reasons. He said "b/f had taken over and was making them lunch so he didn't think he needed to do anything." I explained to him that it was supposed to be her day off and he needed to go help because there is plenty of work for two people especially during mealtimes. He says I don't know why your being such a b**** and storms off slamming the door (note: in front of our friend with whom I am conducting a business arrangement) storms into the house and yells at everyone for misbehaving. I am mad at this point and don't want to talk to him anymore. He leaves the house all together and I can't take a nap while the kids do because I sent my bf to lay down and I have no one to listen for them if I fall asleep. he comes back 2hrs later and doesn't understand why i am upset. Later that day he said I though you were going to take time to talk to me so I said ok follow me we can go speak in the garage while I have a cig. I explain that I need his help if we want to keep the daycare and house. He says that he lets me sleep in all the time and why can't he sleep in once in awhile. I explain that I sleep in on the days we don't have kids and that me and my bf have had to work everyday together just to make sure we can do it. I need him to get up with us and help with the morning too. I explain that when I ask for him to listen for the kids he must do all that I said above. Then he gets mad. You want me to do your work for you so that you can be lazy, sleep in, not do anything, take naps all the time and I don't want to do your work for you. I told him that was not what I was asking and that I was not asking him to do anything that I am not doing on a regular basis and constantly. he yells that I am a lazy b**** and that he refuses to do my work so that I don't have to do anything. I finally have had it. I cannot make him understand that I ask for nothing that I don't do myself and that he agreed to help and does not want to give up the house so we need help keeping the daycare going until we get the medical attention we need so that we can do it ourselves again. He has no compassion for me at all unless I'm in the hospital otherwise he expects me to do everything i have always done: take care of the house, yard, cars, bills, telephone calls, appointments, money, shopping, holidays, and on and on and on. He refuses to do anything by himself. If he makes a mistake he refuses to fix it and then uses it as the reason why he doesn't want to be responsible for anything because he just doesn't know how and always messes it up. I explain that it is a learning process and you can't expect to be perfect every time or right away but he says he doesn't want to learn and why can't i just do it cause I'm good at it. He just wants us to "get over it and be happy" he doesn't want to grow up, help, learn or be responsible he just wants me to stop asking anything of him and not be such a b*** all the time and why am i so stressed doing all I have to do is not so hard and plus i'm good at it so it should be easy, i've never needed help before, he can't he works, he's depressed cause he's not working, i'm home all the time i should be responsible for everything cause i'm here, doesn't matter i worked for years out of the home and still did all of it he doesn't remember that. I'm at a total loss and kicked him out today and I don't feel sorry or miss him yet but I know he'll come home and just want it all to go away. I don't know what to do. He makes life miserable, he makes more work for me, he has no compassion for everyday things that I struggle with, I am starting to hate him. I don't know what I am doing wrong. I have tried everything. I love him and when he's good he's really really good, for about 2 weeks until he thinks that i'm not mad anymore and won't kick him out and then he slowly starts doing the same things again! and then wonders why I can't let anything go. Because you keep doing it over and over and over and have been doing the same stupid crap and treating me badly for 9yrs straight!! I don't know if it's even worth it anymore. I don't want to fight anymore I just want him to disappear. I don't want to be embarrassed when our friends come over and ask me why he is not helping and why the projects they have heard him say he was going to do are not yet done when he is not working or helping with daycare! I have one friend that comes over and gets on his butt and makes him fix things with him while he is here!! The landlord asks why can't my husband do some of the work he has said needed done so that we can make our rent!!! I don't even know what kind of advice I am looking for. I don't know what else to do it really seems like it is not even worth it.

It sounds like you have a lot on your plate. It does seem like this has been going on for a long time. It seems as though he is not interested in helping with the daycare. As much as you want his help and think he should help, you can't force him to do so.

I agree with Straydog, it may be time to re-examine things and decide what is best for you, with your health being where it is.

I know it is stressful being in pain, and being the loved one of the one in pain. You have certainly done a great job at holding things together, but at the same time, I think it may be causing a lot of stress, having to handle all of this. With your daycare paying 3/4 of the bills, it may not be an option to not do daycare, but you could downsize on the number of children you care for.

It sounds like you have a lot going on in your house and with your health, and that's making everything that much more stressful.

I hope things work out for you whatever you decide to do.

Wow U/D, your plate is really full for a 30 y/o w/ failing health. My heart goes out to you! From what you've written (I read the whole thing!) your man is still a child and needs to do some growing up! Of course we are only getting half the story from your side (there's always 2 sides!)
I'll be married 30 years next Sept. and if there's one thing I've learned in all this time trying to keep our marrage going against all the odds it's>> Marrage is not a 50%~50% propisition, it's both partners giving 100%!!! Men and women are just "different" and can sometimes look at identical sittuations and see something completely different w/ both swearing they are right!!! It may be the most logical way in your mind but your partner just doesn't get it the same way!!! It's just the nature of the beast! (Estrogen vs Testosterone!!)
I know that money is probably tight and you stated you don't have insurance but I highly recomend some councelling for you and your B/F!!! It's worth every penny! You may be able to see a Clergy member if you can't find a government run agency that will help you. Letting someone else look at your relationship from the outside can help greatly!!! It did for us or our marage could have been through only a couple years ago!!!
I'm sorry if I sound bossy or like a know-it-all, I'm not!! Thats for sure!! I'm only trying to help a fellow CP'er! Thats why we come here> To help each other.
Good luck to you my new Friend!
Hugz>
Pete
PS> Back in my 30's w/ two small boys to raise my wife ran a day care out of our home for years! I remember it well and it wasn't easy!!!

I would really, really consider what Pete suggested about getting some counseling. The comment about if he does something wrong he goes to his parents for a week sounds more like grounding a child rather than a grown man. You both really need some profession help if you intend on this relationship to last. As Pete said there are two sides to every story. If nothing else perhaps you clergy man can help out.

Good luck.

First, you're living my dream and you're doing it in pain and ill health. Running a farm is serious business and with your physcial limitations, I applaud your bold move. Granted you didn't know you'd be this sick when you took on the role, but dreams are meant to be reached for, yours is in your hand. What about sharecrops and a true community garden where you'll get help working the crops, tending to the animals, and the people assisting you get an education in farming. There are a number of these type of farms around here and I've so wanted to run one myself. I'm having a great deal of pain thesedays myself and I'm 41, I'm afraid I've missed the boat on that dream, unless I get my health back. But I have a half acre and a huge house I just got before I got sick too, it was a real whack to the head to have that happen just after my bid was accepted. You have to make this work and, yes, he has to be the man around the farm, you can't do it. Maybe there's some denial on his part, if he accepts that he has to take the lead role physcially, he admits you're not well, deep down maybe he just can't face that fact. If my health continues on this track, my husband will be in the same situation: breadwinner and doer of all household work. He doesn't understand yet, it's new for us, I did it all before too, but he's understanding, albeit slowly, that life sometimes changes everyone's course. If this means anything to him, he'll do his best, as you do everyday. I agree that a good counselor might reach him in ways you cant.