Needto vent...

It hurts to think that we might have nothing in common anymore.  I want my old life back, but I know that is long gone and that I will never be the same again.  But, thinking that my husband is out with someone else, even if it was one the guys from work I'd be just as jealous because I miss that part of my life and I know that he's out having fun with her when it should be ME out there instead is just killing me inside.

Like I said I know that nothing is going on.  There is no doubt about that.  But knowing that she is taking over my job as being his companion has now caused my depression to skyrocket today.  I have explained to him that I am jealous that she gets to spend that time with him and not me and he understands how I feel.  He's told me that if I don't want him to take her with him that he will stop, but I want him to be happy as well, and he doesn't like going out alone.

How do I keep my depression in check without feeling like I am being a jealous spouse? 

Hugss

Scarred

I am sorry I can see and feel your pain! I am not sure if I can be of any help to you in this area, you are an old timer and you know well what I have been through, so I am not sure anything I could say would be of help to you.  But you know I am a talker ( writer) and I am going to at least  say something!, You know that it is great that you want your husband to keep doing the things he likes to do. But it also comes through that by him doing it, it hurts you!  Let me ask you, you said (" He's told me that if I don't want him to take her with him that he will stop, but I want him to be happy as well, and he doesn't like going out alone.") But that is leaving the decision up to you. I have the impression ( and I might be wrong) but would you have rather had your husband just made the decision not to go? Instead of him asking you what you wanted him to do!  Would you have rather had him just stay and do something  with you? To share and have time together? Are you  thinking that he should want to do that? He should want to be with you and spent his time with you?  You know if you are, you are not wrong to feel that way! And it hurts because it is not your fault that you can not be out there with him. But yet you do not want to be the one to hold him back or spoil his fun. ( that is very noble of you  and honestly I admire that trait, I also am allot like that) but in the end it does not help you!  If it did you would not feel the way you do and be posting. I have been there!  If your husband does not take it upon himself to see what this does to you,  (I sense in your post you want him too!)   Then sit down with him and talk about it, and tell him of your feelings! Tell him how you cry when is is out hunting! Share your honest feelings with him Him, about him being out there having fun,  (reguardless of with who), and you sitting at home crying! You know the way things are,  does nothing to help a marriage, you can only do this for so long, and it will eventually have an affect on your marriage. You eventually grow apart ,PLEASE  don't let that happen, do not be the martyr, or the tough gal, that can handle the hurt, you are human,  and it doesn't work anyway!  

You have had to change your life style because of your condition and pain, it is not wrong to expect your spouse to voluntarily change his or her life style so you can be together as an pair!  Because that is the only way your going to remain together to do things.  And if for what ever reason your spouse can't see that and change on his own, then open his eyes and show him.  Find something new that you both  can do together!  If you love a person you should want to be with them. I am not saying that he should not have time to himself or you have your time. But  if it bothers you, and obviously it does!  then this is not one of them!  I have been where you are at and done that for many many many years, I kept my mouth shut and did not want to be a bother to my wife, and she did not see what it was doing to me or our marriage. Or if she did she chose not to care! But either way, you know how it turned out for me. Don't let that happen to you without at least trying.

I wish you only the best Scarred!

White Beard

Dear Scarred,

    Emotional needs being met is a big part of any marriage. When our needs are not being met, then hurt and sadness often fill those spaces up quickly. I think we all grow in our relationships as time goes by... We as individuals change and as a result our emotional needs change as well. In your case and the rest of us it is chronic pain and mounting health problems building a wedge between us and our loved ones. It is completely natural to feel left out and missing your time with your husband. Were I in your shoes I would feel the exact same way.

     I think the important thing to remember is now that you cannot do the extensive physical activities together.. you need to find ones you can do together. You both, equally, need to share hobbies and interests. Each of you learn the others hobbies until you have a firm knowledge, then switch back and forth, taking turns with each others hobbies (one weekend your hobbies, one weekend his). Not hobbies that the other simply cant do.. like hiking up Mt. Everest. Take my husband and I for example. My husband asked that I learn to play chess. That was rather difficult, but I did. He in turn, learned how to play canasta. He wanted me to learn how to play his very manly video game called Halo (it is a science fiction "game") and he in turned learned to make jewelry. Turns out he is very skilled in chain mail (weaving jump rings and chains). He learned photography and I learned how to oil paint (funny story on that one, ill have to tell you one day). Then of course eventually we found things we wanted to do together... Fishing, astrology (did you know that it will look like we have 2 suns for over a week this year?).

      It all started when I could no longer do things with him that we had previously enjoyed. Biking, Hiking, wilderness camping, traveling....  I was so sad to be left out. He was feeling removed and disconnected the less time we spent together. Much later he ended up telling me that he felt helpless to protect me from what was happening to my body. We were growing apart. So we looked for new things to do together. New things we could learn to do together. Of course there were all the little emotional needs in between. Affection, fulfillment, gratification. All those thing began to fall into place once we were finally able to do things together for recreation. It took a lot of work. In the end it was worth it.

      Hey, I cannot blame you one minute for wishing you could run or hike 6 miles! That distance because that recreation is taking place without you is perfectly normal. For sake of your heart and your emotional needs it is time the two of you begin to learn new activities and new hobbies, together, that are not so "physical" in nature. You never know, you might like basket weaving or bird watching. Wouldn’t it be funny if the two of you were picking out lakes to go fishing in or planning out an herb garden together?

    These are just ideas. In the end you know your husband and yourself better than any of us ever could. You are very strong and I know you are just venting a little. I would need to vent too if I were in your shoes. When I read your post my heart went out to you. Goodness! I remember feeling so left out!!! When my husband and his father went down to white sands or when I was too sick to go to the "Balloon Glow" (we have international balloon fiesta here every year, the balloon glow is quite spectacular). In the end my husband and I decided to stumble and bumble our way through new hobbies we could do together. In the process not only grew closer together but we have some really funny memories as well.

*warm hugg*
   dani

I am sorry for the hurt you must feel! I will not say what I am thinking,.........  I really don't think that you want to much or your asking to much, I am sorry if your spouse does not agree.  I am at a loss for words as I just don't know what to tell you!    Just know your not alone, I along with all the rest of your family here on the forum are here for you!  I wish there was a some way to make things better for you!

Hugs my friend!{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Scarred}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

White Beard

I do wish there was some anwers for you Scarred,  but I personally don't think there are any good answers.  Other than the ones you make for yourself!  As cold as this might sound, a few years ago when I first started marriage counseling (alone) , the  counselor told me this, "we are all responsible for our own happiness, if a person makes us feel bad, it is only because we let them make us feel that way!" How true that statement is!

Good Luck to YOU

White Beard

Your not being cynical hun.  Your exactly right!  Its odd that we who suffer with CP are forced to put their lives on hold because of the pain.  But yet our doctors condradict that by saying "you need to keep going" But yet if we are seen doing this or that we are lying about our pain!  The weather is horrible here...I am in horrible pain and I wish that I wasn't a CP patient right now!!!

Things with hubby are getting better, or at least I think they are.  He's still distant, but I think things are getting better or at least I hope so.  I realize I can be difficult, in fact I can be down right hard to get along with at times, but I agree whole heartedly with you WB, when you say that they took the vows "For better or worse...for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health".  It's not like we asked to be hurt.  I didn't wake up one morning and say "Gee, I would love to be disabled!"  And this isn't something that can be cleared up with just a little pill and a long rest.

All of us CP patients are connected by our pain, yet its so individualized that your pain might strike me as light and vica versa.  You know, on the way home yesterday from my SS disability hearing we were talking about how the hearing went and things.  He was a bit upset that my attorney and the judge didn't ask him any questions.  I asked him what he would have said and he said "I would have asked for you to leave the room and by the time they let you back in the judge would have been in tears."

I looked strangely at him and said, "you don't like your wife?"  He said "nope."  So I got a bad look on my face..and said "what do you mean by you don't like your wife?"  He said...."No hunny, I don't like what your back has done to you.  Your just not the same person that you were 10 years ago."

Oh good way to end a conversation huh?

Hugss

Scarred