It's Friday and I should be happy....

I am so depressed. I am over this RA stuff. I start methotrexate for the first time tomorrow. It gets to go with the plaquenil and predisone I have been on. I did not want to ever start this. I had heard bad things and read bad things over the last year about it. I posted on the RA Forum and they gave me such good advice about it and how it may make me sick and when to take it so I can keep working an taking care of my kids. Even though I just woke up today and threw my diet out the window. I am so tired. I know it's depression. I haven't felt it in a long time even with everything I have been through. I dreaded this day. The day before du du duhhhhh..that's how I feel. like I'm in a bad horror film that I know the killer is right around the corner lurking and yet I knowingly am walking right into it.(pretty dramatic I know) I want to scream at myself " Hey you don't walk around that corner." I have to though. the other meds aren't stopping the RA enough. So I have to. I hate being in a situation like this. My body aches, and hurts, doesn't move right, is to fat. I'm a let down to my family..they don't have to say it, i feel it. I am not me anymore and it sucks!!!

Some of my fear started with everything I saw my mom go through this year.
Background info, some may remember that my mother went through a double mastectomy this last November after dx with breast cancer. I have seen what the meds have done to her. She is so drained and not herself. The only good thing in her case is she doesn't work and has no-one at home. It's depressing in one sense but not having those responsabilities if she gets sick from the meds she can go back to bed. Does that make sense? No it sounds mean. I don't mean it like that. I love my mom and miss her everyday. 2000 miles away from me makes me ache. Even though we talk4-5 times a week I want my mommy.

UHGG I am just rambling at this point. I just wanted to vent. I know all of you have so much more than this going on, and that makes me sad and depressed too.
My hubby is taking me out tonight for dinner and drinks or something as a last call type of thing? Which is nice but i don't feel like it. I am going since he is being so thoughtful and am going to try to enjoy myself before D Day. Hope all is well. take care. Heather

I am sorry but can relate. I have nightmares about my pain and things happening. A few thoughts. Do you and your mom talk about what went and continues to go on with her and how you feel?

I guess for times like this I just try to get through the day and hope better ones are ahead. I try to find things even if small to comfort me. Is there anything to cheer you up or comfort you?

I hope the dinner and drinks in the long run lift your spirits

Hi, I felt some of the same things when I started MTX about 2 years ago.  One thing that helped me was that I thought of what RA was going to bring.  I scared myself into taking the MTX and being glad for it by learning all I could about the disease.  I looked at the pictures.  I learned the history.  I learned the science.

I'll tell you, I scared myself silly, but I'm more scared of untreated RA than what the drugs might do to me.  I feel like I will trade longevity for functional time. I've poured over this decision, and this is the first time I have ever told anyone about it.  It's not that I would want to cut anything short, and I am not a fan of "right to die" choices, but I will take 20/10 of "good/bad" years over 15/25 anytime. Functional time is what I look for.

When I take the MTX I sit there and look at it in my hand for a long time.  Sometimes it takes me 20 minutes to get up the nerve to swallow them.  Sometimes I swallow the water and the pills don't go down and I choke just because I have worked myself up into it.

You will find a way to deal with it because you know you have to.

As for feeling like you're letting your family down, I feel the same way with my family.  But you know what?  Every childhood is different, and those who see strength and pain and determination are stronger for it.  My daughters are the most compassionate people- and it's not just me who thinks so, other people tell me this. 

Strength is passed down to your children, and they will think and see differently than other children do, and it will be good for them.  Give them a safe place, and a mother who hears them, and tell them that they are loved.  Be honest with them while leaving out the scary parts if you can.  Let them help you.  You will give them a gift that you never would have been able to if you were healthy.

Think about standing at the edge of the pool.  You know that water is cold.  You know it will be a shock.  Take a deep breath, a big step and push off with both feet.  You can't swim, or even tread water, till you first take the plunge.

Were you given an anti-nausia to go with it?

Heather,
Try ginger tea or ginger snaps to snack on through the day. A lot of the morning sickness "cures" do a little something for this type too. Ginger pills make me burp ginger, and that makes it even worse.
hope you feel better.