* Roll Call (stop by when you have a moment)

Well, besides my sleeping has gotten all turned around worse than it had been, I have on appointment on Friday to get my mammogram done. Not looking forward to that at all. It looks like that they could find some way of examining the breasts without squeezing the fire out of them. They say it doesn't do anything bad to them, but it makes me wonder. It hurts me sooo bad. That's the only thing i've got going on this week.

love and hugs
Loretta

I had a big let-down this weekend. I started the week with new pain meds that I thought would be "just the thing" for me. I was building up on the dose and on Monday got to what the script was going to leave me at. With the changes I had a great dose of HOPE that went with it. I felt great. I still had some breakthrough, not not enough to keep me from doing what I needed to. On Thursday I was supposed to call the PM nurse to say how things are going, and I forgot for a couple of reasons, but mostly because the pain was low enough that life stuff had my attention instead of the pain. Saturday I had some more breakthrough pain, enough to cause me to use all sorts of topical and still have to slow down with pain I could still feel enough to stop me from doing what I wanted to do.
On Sunday I had LOTS of pain despite taking the medications and all the topical and wrapping and cooling and heating and sitting with cushions and stuff. it felt like a betrayal of what the new meds were supposed to do for me. I know that this is a process, and it is a long months/years type process not a days/weeks type process, but the feelings persisted anyway. I stayed upbeat for my family and friends through the day, but when my husband woke up after sleeping off work at about 7pm I cracked and cried and got a speech on how I need to stay positive and it was a low dose and I need to call the PM office in the am to let them know about it. I know this stuff and he doesn't know how hard I pushed to keep it together all day because he was asleep all day.
I have seasonal affective disorder along with bipolar, so I typically become like a "bottle rocket" at this time of year and my moods become on the higher spectrum. It usually has happened already, and my pain levels decrease when it happens because i just don't notice it as much in the higher moods. (also depression hurts itself, so higher moods hurt less) Well it hasn't happened yet, and that's weird and I wonder if it is the increased pain or the increased pain meds that are doing it. Either way I am back to guessing what is going on instead of having some idea based on what previous years have been like. Also, I having minor mood fluctuations that make me More or less able to cope with stressors and pain tolerance. I am unable to predict what it will be like from day to day or even from hour to hour. I am unable to control it, and my friends and family are getting annoyed that I seem to seesaw back and forth on the same issues and they can't tell how I will be from day to day.
As the pain increases I am losing holds of the control of my bipolar issues. I want to hide from it all and escape the stress and (terror?) of constant instability.
I do not want to die, I want to hide or sleep until I'm more under control, but I am scared that I have been asking myself that question seriously and increasingly regularly and I don't know the answer until I have thought about it for a little while. I am near the end of what I can handle by myself and I don't know where to turn to give the reins to someone else. I go see my psychiatrist tomorrow, and I will tell her all of this (probibaly print it out for her to read) and see what she does.
So that's where I am, that's what it's been like this weekend.

I'm here....barely. ha ha

Went on a camping trip with my daughter and my grandaughter and I use the word the word camping losely here as in a cabin with a bed. Hehe! Use to love tent camping but thats just not possible anymore   We had a nice time and my pain levels cooperated  or the heated pool worked wonders as that is where I spent the most of my time if I wasnt on the porch swing reading my idea of camping these days. It was wonderful weather for Florida a bit hot but the much needed rain held off til we got home today.

I forgot I had a follow-up from my back injections 2 weeks ago so had to call and reschedule that for later in the week. Told them I was fine and am except that I see no difference in my pain,the sciatica and that was what we were hoping to calm down. In all fairness I will say this, the levels and amount are not any different but it usually begins somewhere in my rearend and goes to the bottom of my foot on the right side and now after the injections it starts somewhere in the back of my thigh and is ending right above my ankle now?

I am not sure with such little results after the horrible experiences I had with the surgery center and loss of feeling,movement and bladder control for hours after the procedure I will be doing anymore and I will discuss that with the Doc on Monday when I go in.

Am busy catching up with everyones week and as you can see am having a bad pain night as I have been up since 1:30 and it is now 4.

Hoping everyone else is having a pain free night and wishes for a good week for all.

Just kinda here lately. Was supposed to see the boyfriend over the weekend, but told him not to come. Was mostly due to the major miscommunication between the two of us, where he assumed something Id said, and then said some hurtful words without necissarily meaning it that way. "I figured it was no big deal" and "You're making a big production out of this" followed by "I figured it wasn't any different from any other time you told me you missed me." So it was several days of talking and trying to make sure he understand the difference between want and need, and not making assumptions.

Pain levels were about an 8 on Saturday and it gave me a chance to pick up knitting I'd not touched in over a month. I really want to get this project done so that I can get it shipped to it's owner before April 11th; it's a "rally scarf" for him for when he goes to night baseball games in San Fransico. The weather was pretty foul so there was no way I was going out. Appears those "warming trends" have finally shown up though.

By Sunday I was up to a 9, but I'd kinda expected it. The weahter was warmer though, and no wind for first time in almost a week. What a blessing! Was able to go out and work on the ponds a bit. The koi are nibbling at my fingers, and my lillies survived the winter; can't wait till they have some blossoms! Helped my Mom with her turtle pond. Lost my footing and crashed into the side of the enclosure; right about where the junction at the top of the thigh/crotch level. Fell face first towards the pond. Right arm couldn't stop me, and my left one didn't find purchase till it hit bottom. Poor Mom, screaming at my dad and son just watching me stand there trying not to slip further and push myself out at the same time. "Help her!!" By the time it registered and they got to me I was already out. I gotta wonderful bruise, but at least nothing worse.

This week will be scheduling my MRI and helping my friend Patty with her horses when the farrier comes. Plus we're candling 36 eggs this week to make sure she still has viable babies. Helped her change the bedding for her Jersey Giant chicks, and played with her baby Sebastipol geese. Still waiting for her chicken Angel to hatch all the eggs she's sitting on; gonna be a bumper crop of baby chicks! Trees are blooming, horses are shedding, eggs are everywhere, the fish are splashing in the ponds, the turtles are all out of hybernation -- wonderful reminders of Spring!

Hoping everyone has a low pain week and gets to enjoy the sights, sounds, and smells of spring. The hummingbird feeder is up as is the bird feeders. We have one regular chipmunk that likes to stuff his cheeks, then run to our deck and sit on it, in the shade, and then eat. The cotton tails are in the yard regularly; gotta get our water feature set up so we have the watering hole available for everyone. Sparrows, finches, and doves are regular visitors, as are the hummingbirds; they like to drink and bathe in the waterfall of my pond.

 

We have kicked this subject around many times here at the forum about how we over extend ourselves and get in real bad trouble in the pain dept. and then spend hours trying to chase the pain around. A lot of it is just plain human nature, but at some point we really do have to take a good hard look at what we are doing to ourselves. We are in essence setting our self up for failure by pushing too hard, too far, and expecting too much from our body. It is very much like putting our body on a run away train, no wonder it revolts against us. The body can only handle so much stress. There again, we are not wanting to accept and make peace with our bodies either. Until we do this we will continue to abuse it. I do call it abuse because we are expecting it to perform at a level that is no longer possible.

Learning to pace ourselves is something we all must learn. I am still in the learning process of learning to pace myself. When I do, I feel much better and really do last longer. I really think I get more accomplished this way too. We have to quit thinking about how we use to do this or we use to do that, that's the past, this is the present. Learning to live in the present is hard but very doable. It takes a lot of practice and effort. We also have to quit being so hard on ourselves. We are only human like everyone else.

Depression and CP go hand and hand we all know that. Many of us take medication to help with this and get some of the rough edges smoothed out. Can we anticipate more depression, yes we can by our thought process and behavior. It took me awhile with my psychologist to see what she was saying to me and then I realized some of the additional depression was brought on by my very own thoughts. That was quite an eye opener for me. It took me some time to change thinking some of the ways I had been thinking. I also had to stop trying to anticipate every possible thing happening to me if I did this or if I did that. I was running myself ragged trying to anticipate so much stuff. It just knocked my energy in the head. Sometimes I was done before I got started, lol. So, try not to anticipate every move you make or even every decision you make. We can be our very own worst enemy in many ways.

Sometimes we just have to slow down and take a long hard at our self and even though we may not like what we see, be glad that we are where we are because there is always someone else a lot more worse off than we are.

Going to see new PM Doctor tomorrow and it's at a good time as I'm breaking my norco's
to last...so hurting is up, and all over geezee didn't think I was that bad.....
his office mess up big time they didn't put my PM records with my rheumy records and if
my pm psychologists hadn't gone down to talk to them I'd still have no appointment geezee
Not sleeping good either....

Post Edited (Chartreux) : 3/29/2011 6:57:55 PM (GMT-6)

 

        Rhaevin there is a difference between Apples and Oranges!

           If you are truly teaching your son responsibility then be careful in teaching him that it is ok to push yourself too far at the expence of more injury to yourself. I'm just suggesting to use a little common sense when it comes to your health, and especially if you are at a 9 on the pain scale. The next level up from there is a 10 and I'm sure you won't be able to teach him anything once you're there.

            I'm only making these comments because of the rating of pain you have given here. That type of pain is extreemly severe, and one would be wise to be cautious when at that number.

 Good luck on the MRI. It will take a few days for the report to get back, but be sure to report back to us please.   

      Take care!

      SE       

Post Edited (Screaming Eagle) : 3/30/2011 8:51:11 AM (GMT-6)

Screaming Eagle ... *hugs* Thank you. I will definately do my best to remember your words of wisdom.

Hello All my HW Friends!

Sorry I've been gone a while. I needed a little break, both physically and emotionally. Sometimes I just have to back away and lurk or even not check the boards for a few weeks. It helps to have some down time.

The addition is finished (except we found out this AM that the shower LEAKS!) and I've already called the man to come look at it. Otherwise, it turned out beautiful and expensive. The last several weeks/months have been pretty rough because of the extra stress and I haven't really felt well since my hospital stay in Feb. I got the reports this week and man do they make me mad. The have wrong information on every page and none of the information matches the page before it. On one page I am single. I have no spine injures and a normal gait on several (interesting considering I can't walk normal at all and my TLIF failed). I have no nausea (but I had to carry a trashcan from home to use for the nausea/vomiting). I am inappropriate in my mental state due to crying (excuse me...pain/vomiting/more pain...so many needle sticks that they had to bring in an ultrasound machine to find a way to insert a needle). Of course, that was not mentioned. Then I was "mentally incompetent to understand a course of treatment"....excuse me, I have a masters and a perfectly able to understand treatment. I don't understand, however, how each nurse write something completely different in all areas, but they never reconcile the information. They never properly controlled my pain and honestly made things worse most of the time.

On to something else. I had a Mammo on Monday (ouch) and I have a endo scope (upper) on this coming Monday, Psych Dr on Wednesday (yeah!) I really like him, and an apt with a new Cardio Dr on Friday. That's what the records were for. The one the hospital recommended had an answering machine and not even a live person answering system for after hours emergencies....and he's a heart Dr??? Ok, so because my PB was so high 173/107 and I was in tachecardia (sp?) I have to have a chemical stress test before I have my bladder surgery (maybe) in May. We still haven't set the date because I'm so sick of surgeries and Drs.

I thought I had answers when Mayo decided to take my insurance and I could get to the Fl site OK, but they rejected me because they said I had too many medical problems for that site. I need to go to one of the others....that is impossible due to having to fly or to drive for two days. It was because of the HGH deficiency and pituatary damage alone with all the thyroid cycts. So, I get no diagnosic care at all.

My hands and feet are still giving me serious problems and my refux is killing me.

Last, but certainly not least, I saw another Dr in the PM group last month...who decided I didn't need all of the meds I was taking, so he took away some....lovely! I've tried to get in with my normal Dr, but I can't see him until the Middle of May (if I'm not down from the second bladder surgery....to repair the first one). Either way, once they take them away, they don't usually give them back or up another one....and this PM (I've now found out) is allowing the hospital to charge 311.00 in addition to the co-pay simply because you use the room. At least that's my portion.

CP is making me nuts!

Yesterday was the worst day in a long while. I alternated Vicodin and oxycodone every six hours, tried heat, massage... nothing worked. Finally, at about midnight, I took 15mg of morphine. Thank goodness I slept pretty well -- which tends to be a relative situation for a fibro person -- and today I'm much improved.

I'm impressed at how busy all of you keep, despite your various conditions. Some days -- and I think it's as much the drugs as the pain -- all I manage to do is watch TV and play a game or two on my computer.

Today, though, I loaded the dishwasher, and I did some actual work. Downloaded the grant proposals for my little nonprofit organization, and sent them to the grant committee for review. Plus I just edited three really short pieces for a freelance project I'm managing (or trying to manage, anyway). I also have been reading and responding to messages here. In all, a very productive day. But now I'm done in (except maybe for here). Back to the TV. The Closer is on.