If you have kids, how do cope (with your pain)?

Hi Everyone. Okay. Thinking about having kids. I know how difficult it will be. Actually, I am sure it will be much harder than I imagine.

Hubby really wants them, as do I. So, lets say, God willing, I have a successful pregnancy. Are there things you can do to deal with your pain and your child? I don't even know what I'm asking here. Any tips I guess for any of this. We both definitely want kids. I'm going to follow doctors orders regarding everything while I'm pregnant (if I can get pregnant).

Hugs,

Flower

Flower....

One last thing - from experience.  Many OB's don't have a clue about treating a pregnant woman who has chronic pain.  I'm sorry - I can't remember what your specifics are right now, what your meds are and so forth.  But I would really encourage you to either interview a couple of different OB's and get their views on treating a pregnant, chronic pain patient OR get a consult w/ a perinatologist (high risk OB). 

Again, if you have further questions or whatever.... ask away or always feel free to e-mail me.

Take good care.... and good luck to you. --Tina

i  wish you much luck having children, with me at least my cp happened after i had 2 children, also when i was first injured in 1989 it was slow going at first and didnt interfere with my being a mom. you also seem to have a great partner so you will have help, i am and was a single parent. but as i said it was a slow progression until around 1994 then it had much more impact on my girls. by the time i became disabled in 1998 my girls were in 9th grade was the youngest and my other daughter was in 11th grade. on a less serious side, just know once you have children you will never, and i mean never go to the bathroom by yourself, have a conversation on the phone without constant interuption, get dressed by yourself, as a matter of fact i cant think of anything that once you have children that you will be doing alone. but then maybe thats the best part of having children huh? they continue to be the lights of my life, and now i have 2 grandkids ages 5 and 9, and so it begins again. there truly is no greater love.

When you have a child.... no matter how bad the pain is - and trust me - I live w/ a constant 7/8 pain (on meds) and have heart issues.... you are right, there are things you can't put on  hold.  It isn't easy - and maybe that's what you were trying to convey, Jim.  But it can be done. 

I've got twin babies that I'm doing it for right now.... and, no, I'm not supermom, not even close.  Everyone says "Oh, but you've got all these helpers" (my six sons).... Well, their job is not to raise babies.  Yes, they occasionally help out - which is what a family does - but it ultimately falls on me. 

Just food for thought.

--Tina

My comments were not really directed towards anyone in particular, and I certainly do not recall much of anything Flower has posted about her condition(s), but I have seen many posts on here by many members saying how their pain gets so bad some days they can not get off the couch, out of the chair, or out of bed, which is why I made the comment I did so that potential parents would think about those times when they are going to have to either put their pain on the back burner and/or make sure they have a good support system in place. In no way did I intend anyone to think having kids or being a good parent is not possible when you have special issues. It is possible, and many people with all kinds of issues do it every day.

I have 2 kids, one is almost 21 and the other is 5 1/2. The youngest one I have been a 24/7/365 caregiver to since he was 6 weeks old, and I started having major health issues from the time he was about a year old, including chronic pain. Just wanted to add that because I know in more "traditional" homes the Dad's understanding of what child care really entails is less than the Mom's due to not having to do it all the time.

Personally I would like to commend Flower for taking the time to think about this and ask questions. It shows she really wants what is best for any child she has and that kind of care, love and compassion says a lot for what kind of parent she will be when the time comes.


Organization: Set things up so they are easiest for you.
Teamwork: Have your spouse do the things that are rough on you and help make sure everything is ready to go at the start of the day before they head off to work.
Support: Make sure you have several people you can call to help you if need be while your spouse is away if need be.

Wow. Thank you so much to everyone. My condition: I was in an accident years ago, and my back is really messed up (disk damage, nerve damage, etc.), and won't get any better. A slew of things is wrong with it.

This is something I have thought about for years. I am already taking vitamins. They are prenatals.

I do have a huge support system. I have a big family, and they all do help me a lot. My husband does so much for me, and he really wants children. We have discussed all of the accommodations that will have to take place beforehand, in planning, and when we have a child. When I say discussed, I mean for hours on end, and for probably the last three or four years. This is something that I don't take lightly.

Momto8, I love the idea of having everything in one room. Hadn't thought of that! I'm sure I will take you up on your offer to answer questions. I think that I will have a million of them!

I guess that I'm just scared. It sucks (for lack of a better word) to be this way. Deep down, I know that I can do it. I know that it's something that I want with everything inside of me, but I know that it will be very difficult. I've been working with children for years (my profession), and I babysit a lot with my hubby for some family members, but I know it's different when you have them at home 24/7:) When we babysit, he does a lot more than me. We have discussed that it will probably be that way when we have kids, but I am trying to find tips to help me to be able to do more (tips like having everything in one room, which I already told him about:)

Can't write more now, but will later. THank you so much to everyone for replying! I really appreciate it. I'm going to reread the thread later and I'll write more.

Hugs,

Flower

Post Edited (flower123) : 4/15/2011 3:35:30 AM (GMT-6)

I have read these posts with interest. All of you have given wonderful advice. My children are 18 and 14 and truly the greatest blessings in my life. I had my 1st hip replacement when my son was 6 mos old. I was unable to walk for several months. But we adapted and I realized that I had to accept help from my husband. I couldn't be supermom using a walker. But I spent months snuggled with with my super handsome son. What more could a Mom ask for? I have been sick almost all of my kids lives. And I guess that they just accept it as our normal. I attend as many of their functions that I can regardless of how I feel. But I also have missed many field trips and games. But my children understand. I spent 18 months in a wheelchair unable to walk and in constant relentless pain. My husband had passed away and it was just me and my kids. My son took on many responsibilities. He took his sister back and fourth to school. My kids took over the grocery shopping and running errands. My son missed school taking me to doctor appointments and for my infusions. We ate a lot of sandwiches, cereal and fast food. But we made it work. Our home might not always be the cleanest but it it always full of love and laughter. We might not live the traditional family life. But what we have is real. And my illnesses have only tightened the bond that I have with my kids. I learned that I couldn't do everything and that I had to swallow my pride and accept help. But my children are both happy and healthy. They both are honor roll students, play sports and they both have very active social lives. So just know in your heart that there will be good days and horrible days but in the end it is all worth it.

No disrespect at all.... but I didn't really understand some of your post, Dani.  Maybe it's me and I'm just exhausted today.... I'll come back and read it later.  I know the majority falls on you in regards to your home and kids, as it does for me, too.  On a really bad day - why can't you stay in bed?  Not everyday, of course.  Maybe not even the entire day.  But - trust me...I average about 3 hours of sleep per night and the mornings are he**.  And sometimes, I gotta lay back down. It will all be there  tomorrow,as it does NOT go away (housework, laundry and so forth)!

My kids just know that mom has medical issues.......I have a progressive illness, different from what you have, but similar enough that it gets worse each year.

I hae more to say, but I gotta go.  Again, not trying to be argumentative :)  Just trying to understand more.  More in a bit.

--Tina

 

I agree with Momto8kids. My children are now 18 and 14, and it did get easier for me as a parent. I was widowed young and for the last 8 years I have raised my children alone. I have Crohn's Disease, arthritis and I am a breast cancer survivor. My kids have been by my side through 5 major surgeries and countless rounds of chemo. We just learned to embrace the good times and ride the bad ones out together. My kids have learned patience, compassion and empathy because of my illnesses. I know in my heart that I have done the very best that I can with them. Sometimes my best was a bowl of cereal or a ham sandwich :)

Dani I dont think anyone has forgotten this, and we all know and understand that you are a very committed mother.

I think as parents our situations are different at times, but on the other hand, many here have already successfully raised their children, and have a ton of wisdom to share with Flower123.

I hope we can do that in a positive spirit as we explore others views here.

SE

Dani this is an open forum, and no one asked you to withdrawal your opinions. I hope that we can continue in a positive spirit for Flowers123 sake, as she plans for a new family.

Yes, these types of conversations can be a bit sensitive, but I trust we are all adults here and can explore new ideas and life experience's

Sorry you felt the need to leave, as I was looking forward to dialog with you.

Sincerely,

SE

Just a quick note the 980 has two speeds for only $10 more.

also, I have sent you several emails and never gotten a response from you. It makes me think my computer is messing up or its on your end.

I did get your response today on the spammer though! Thanks!


SE

Good morning Flower123!


Hey!....planning for little ones is one of the greatest highlights in life. Not much more exciting than that!

I can see right now you will make a great mother as you are preplanning and giving this some careful consideration to this life long responsibility. (yes even after they have flown the coop, they still need some guidance)

You know....my children are gone and I now have grandchildren, but I inherited 3 more since I married wonder woman here!

I have a terrible time remembering members DX's and for some reason your's slips my mind, but if you are dealing with constant pain, and I'm sure you are, or you would not be here with us, it could very well rob you of some of the little joys that a healthy mother might experience. However, there are quite a few success stories, and I would think Tina could write a book on it. Of course as was written above, everyones experience can be different and for several reasons, one of which is, the difference in DX's and pain scales.

My grandson is right at 25lbs and it is the max weight that I can lift. Soon, I will not be able to pick him up anymore, and I hate that, as these are the bonding months and years. However, adjustments can be made in leu of this disappointment.

Your fear, and concerns are justified rightfully so! It is a hard decision that only you and your husband can make, and you will have to weigh the pros and cons of this difficult decision. Without sounding negative, one thing you might keep in mind is that many of, if not all of us, have degeneration type conditions, being... that over time we will get worse. How much worse and how fast is anybody's guess!

Aaaaaaahhhh!...lets stay positive though! Flower as a parent myself, there is no greater joy than raising a child from birth, or even adopting, as some do! I have no doubt that you will make a fine mother, because of the careful planning you are doing at this time. Children are resilient and will make the adjustment with their parents as changes occur with your health, so I'm guessing you are seeking some answers as to how YOU will deal with raising a child and living in pain all the time. Of course you are!...it was you're original question! :)

How do you take care of your husband? Are you able to care for him? Well that's not really a fair question is it? Why? Well..this I do know!....a mother will often mustered up a lot more strength when it concerns her children and family. Us Dads feel we are pulling our weight by working a full time job and bringing home the bacon, but I have learned over the years, just how hard a mother really works. Dads don't ever try to compare yourself with a working mother! Trust me! I have a few scars from this silly notion! :)

Many moms work a full time job and then come home to again work their tails off, taking care of the children and their husbands. Cooking , cleaning, up all night with sick kids, changing diapers, grocery shopping, tending a calendar full of school activities, washing cloths..and hubby's cloths as well!.....and the list goes on and on!

Now I don;t want to rob the modern husband here! (Yes, I'm from the old school!) There are an awful lot of stay home dad's playing Mr. Mom these days, and they need to be commended as well, and many do a very fine job of it. Quite a role reversal isn't it!

Now we also have single parents too!..... and of both genders! We certainly can't leave them out. This is one of the most difficult jobs on earth as far as I'm concerned.

Here is the deal though for you Flower123!....you have a husband, and I'm assuming he is a great guy as you stated he wants children as well. In my book we call that a team! A marriage should be a team, acting as one entity.
One thing I have learned over the years is that a marriage is not always a 50/50 proposition. There are days that one or the other spouse can give 30% and then other days 80%. Marriage is rarely a 50/50 effort for each other.

One thing to bare in mind as your health worsens, your husband may find himself giving quite a bit more than 50% most of the time. It's possible, but not a given, and as I said before a mother will muster up a lot of strength when concerning her children. Dani made this point, and we all know she has very serious health conditions.

Out of curiosity, I asked my wife, to get her view on this ever so important question of yours. Her answer was similar to Dani's in that you have to find the strength and somehow you will in most cases. My wife did bring one thing up that I over looked though, in that....when we are in pain we can become pretty cranky...not only with our spouses, but with our children as well. Her quote is "Its hard to be Happy when your Hurting" I guess it would be well worth taking a peek at our demeanor when we are in a lot of pain. This can effect your children greatly and might affect several aspects of their lives. (Schooling) If this is the case, then I would suggest addressing this issue.


Flower123, I sure hope you you have found some useful answers here in all of our reply's, and I know how important this is for you. We wish the very best for you, and I'm confident you will succeed just fine. Just keep in mind that everyone is different and we cannot really determine what is right for you and your husband. All we can do is support and share our experiences.

Here is one last little thought for the both of you.... "We do not make life! It is a gift" ....receive it with great appreciation...nurture, protect and and above all.... "Love what is given to you!"

Good luck and bless you both!

Note: I will certainly see to it that Catz4 gets your message! Thank you!

SE :)