Thank you nvrthesame98, very helpful advice.
I'll discuss this with his father.
Unfortunately being admitted to a psych ward in England, especially the part of the country I'm in, usually won't happen unless he's actually taken an overdose or goes out on the streets on a serious rampage.
But we will see.
I sat down with him last night and listened at great length to him.
I invited him to talk about
what makes him happy, what makes him sad, what he'd like to see change, what he'd like to see change the same, and what his idea of a perfect day would be.
I didn't interrupt, interject, comment, or argue with anything he said, and I didn't "return the favour" so to speak - I didn't expect him to listen whilst I did the same.
I think it's very important in long term relationships to make sure the other party feels heard, listened to, and appreciated. So often people, including my OH and I at times, fall in to the trap of "You go, I go" talking to each other ad infinitum about
selfish things in a selfish manner.
I hope the approach I started to use last night will help, I feel very proud that I was able to listen for literally hours on end without having to interrupt, interject, or correct what he was saying.
I've listened to him and we will today ensure that his idea of a perfect day is enacted out to the best of our abilities.
I'm not expecting the same in return from him, absolutely not. That is another major issue often found in relationships - one of expectation - but ones personal expectations rarely align with the intentions of others and ultimately can lead to disappointment and frustration.
Hopefully this will help him feel better about
himself, about
us, and about
the world at large.
I hope to find ways of allowing him to see, of his own volition, in his own way, that he doesn't need to delve into "Fake reality" to get a fix, that the outside world and indeed our relationship has much better things to offer but the shoving-it-down-his-throat approach won't work. He needs the time and space to see it for himself.
I also need to change my expectations in terms of his hobbies - it is unreasonable for me to feel unloved and left out just because he plays on the xbox. Sure enough it is a pathological addiction, if the internet were to go down during a match he would surely freak out big time - but it isn't like he does it 90 hours a week. Barely 9 hours a week TBH.
What has been difficult for me is that he always plays it during the hours that used to be "our time" when we were working - and seven years of that time of the evening being "our time", it's hard for me to let go of that; but I should - as we have all day together now, we didn't before.
Once I have found (maybe with help from friends and family) ways to ensure he is comfortable and less frustrated with the day to day routine, and life in general I suppose, even if it means becoming an absolute doormat for a brief while, he should be in a better frame of mind then to look at ways to introduce a bit of fairness back into the relationship.
I'm not pushing it at the moment though, as so much of this behavior could be attributable to meds / lack of meds / lack of mental healthcare.
On that front we've agreed to reduce the dose of tramadol and amitriptilyne slowly.
We're dropping the dose of amitrip by 5mg every three nights (we have all sorts of doses, 10,15,25,50mg pills) and the tramadol by half until he's successfully weined himself off the amitrip.
I've read the horror stories about
amitrip withdrawal, so I'm well briefed on what to expect.
Post Edited (izools) : 8/7/2013 5:30:37 AM (GMT-6)