Feeling Nerve Pain 11 months After Lumbar Fusion

I made a post, either in this CP forum or in the Anxiety forum, about what I am going through right now as a very confusing, inexplicable experience in my life.

In my post I mentioned that several days ago, I woke up from a sound sleep with this unfamiliar and vivid sense of clarity and awareness.  The past years of my life, (including my recent college education), I just sailed through with no awareness....I was in denial,....I didn't realize I was hurting my self (by not being authentic), hurting my family by not being present and not bringing in any income,...

The list goes on.

Simultaneously I'm processing the guilt and humiliation of only now realizing the impact of years of my poor behaviour and inactions.

The closest thing I can compare this to is that it feels like I had at the very least, a 6+ year blackout, amnesia, no memory of my behaviours (of what I did, what I felt or didn't feel, the effect on everyone around me, even when faced with accusations of my bizarre behaviour).

I feel like a few days ago, I woke up from an extremely long coma.  Sudden wakefulness, years passed without me being aware or a part of it.  I cannot recall my schooling, books I've read, even experiences!  My Husband will tell me that I did things, said things, wrote things, and I even had a few trips to the Emergency Department that I don't recall (how I got there or how I got home)....and I don't remember ever doing any of this.

Except that NOW,...only NOW I'm remembering all the things I forgot over the years.

Isn't that the strangest thing ever?  I still don't know why, but believe me, you're not alone!  I get it!

M.

I described it to my surgeon and my PCP as if I was feeling like I was wearing half of a life-vest, you know those big inflatable orange ones?

Now I know I wasn't swollen that much, but it "felt" like it to me because the whole left side from just above the fusion all the way down to my buttock was swollen.  The areas where the hardware hurt, especially above and below.  And if I reached my hand around to my spine, I could feel lumps and bumps from where the hardware is.

I had a Polar Cube which is a box you fill with ice cubes and water and it lasts hours (!)....I kept the local store stocking up on bags of ice.  I kept that thing on frequently, always rotating it around the areas of swelling, so it wasn't in one place too long.  I lived on ice packs up until a few weeks ago.

I'm not a doctor or medical professional and obviously cannot tell you what's going on.  I'll share my story though, and it was worth my having to drive into downtown Boston A LOT (parking's a bear) to see my neurosurgeon on an extremely frequent basis to check out every twinge, bump, lump, pain, anything,...  I mean, this is my SPINE we're talking about!

I'd do it again, too.

I would get to a neurosurgeon who specializes in the spine and get checked out for peace of mind.  The XRays will show if the hardware is stable and if the bone and marrow grafts are taking.  They took bone and marrow from my own pelvis at the time of surgery so I didn't have the factor of facing rejection.

Get it checked out, and don't dwell on it.  But get thee to a neurosurgeon quickly.  Don't mess with your spine.

M.

PS:  I also had the buckling legs and all that as the nerves were healing and as I worked to un-do the atrophy.  This sounds familiar.  But again, it's my story, not yours.....so please get seen by a doctor to make sure!