Not doing good

Lase week I was pretty down emotionally bc I can't get my body to do what I want it to. So over the weekend, I thought I had my mind pointed back in the right direction. Early yesterday am I went for a walk. I wasn't trying to make myself go faster, but I tried concentrating on making bigger steps. I've been taking small steps since surgery. I did my walk w my cane. The walker bit the dust, new one ordered. I walked a little further than the day before. Everything seemed fine. When I was about 3 houses away from home, everything changed. Both hips started hurting BAD. The incision on my stomach felt like a pull, muscle spasm that wouldn't release, hard big knot right at scar. As far as size goes, as big as my hand. And as if all that wasn't enough, muscle spasms all over my back shooting off everywhere. It was super scary bc I was by myself. It was early - 6:30 and no one was out. I did have my cell, and at that point prob should have called my son, he's 16, to come help me get home. But I didn't..... I almost thought about calling 911. The fire dept is just a few blocks away. Decided against that too... So I finally made it home. Later I called my dr to see about getting another walker. I thought I was ok w/o it. The dr said one more week w walker last Wednesday, so I thought that was close enough. And I asked about these symptoms. Dr said it was "normal". It sure didn't feel normal. The rest of the day was pretty much the same. Every time it got up, all those symptoms returned. It doesn't feel normal at all. It hurts SO very bad. I was standing on the sidewalk yesterday w tears streaming down my face. I could see my house , just had a heck of a time getting home. I'm miserable. After surgery, it takes time. But it feels like I threw myself back a week or longer. I'm not getting around good at all, bc all that cones back. I have ONE pain pill now, but trying to wait a little longer. This will be my first time driving. Just going to the pharmacy. They open at 9. I may ask my neighbor to get it for me. She will be up. Her old neighbor is bringing their little girl for her to watch. She will b there early. She has done so much for me, I hate to ask again. Just think I should feel a lot better than this b4 I drive. I don't know what to do anymore. I worked so hard over the weekend trying to get my mind right- need to be patient w myself. Have a more positive outlook, etc...well , so much for all that. I have cried several times bc the change of all this. It hurts more than I can say. My daughter is in my bed. I came to the couch. I'm going to try to go back to sleep for a little while. I did not think I did too much. I wasn't given major instructions on what I should be doing ....feeling very discouraged and let down. Thx for listening.....

^^Ditto^^

Recovery is not a smooth and consistent road forward, but it's not only okay, but it's even normal, for us to take steps backwards sometimes, and for things to periodically get a little worse every now and again.

Accepting that there will be good times and bad times can help you to be kinder to yourself!




M.

I appreciate you all so much. I'm resting today. Almost scared to even move. There is a hard knot in my stomach. And it's not getting better. I don't know to use ice or heat, or what to do. Getting up, walking or even much movement tightens that place up and spasms go off everywhere in my back, like 6-8 at one time. I've cried several times today. It isn't supposed to be like this. I feel horrible!!!! I'm going to take the Valium today. I haven't been taking them regular, bc it makes me sleepy sometimes. I will take a shower, and get out of my gown. Then I will just rest the remainder of today. I'm not going to even worry w the walking today. It's all I can do to walk through the house right now. I had back surgery 5 years ago. And I remember it being tough. But I was also under tremendous stress living w my crazy/ psychotic husband, that hindered my recovery a good bit. Divorce from him was by far the best thing I ever did. Glad I made it out of that alive. I don't have any of that crazy stuff going on. I have problems w my son. He's 16 and guess he is tired of helping. He is rarely here. When I cry or he sees me struggling, he helps. My 9 yr old daughter does help some. But her bedroom is destroyed!! I am scared to even walk in there, so I don't. I just closed the door. It is so out of hand , you can't say to clean your room bc she has no idea where to start. I stood at her door this am and just cried.... I can't do anything about it today. I just want to feel better. My neighbor/friend is such a blessing . She is here everyday helping. And she will get my medicine today. I took my last Percocet this am, so I will need it soon. Thank you all for understanding and support. Sorry I got off track and kept rambling on. At 2:00, guess I will take the Valium and get in the shower....