Feeling insignificant

I am new to this site so I'm hopeful I'm in the right spot, Short story: I had a spinal fusion 20 months ago, the moment I woke from surgery I was in excruciating pain in a completely new place. After seeing numerous doctors, testing, injections, nerve blocks, etc. It has been determined that there was permanent nerve damage during surgery. I now live my life with dagger pain stabbing in my left hip which radiates down my leg and into the foot. The past 5 months I am on pain management only and are on 15 different medications a day. Additional, a few of my doctors say I also have Fibromyalgia and I honestly I'm not sure that is the case, but I know I could be wrong.

My PM insisted that I try a SCS (Spinal Cord Stimulator) against the advise of 2 different neurosurgeons I went ahead and tried the SCS, WOW big mistake, the placement of the leads apparently were incorrect and I couldn't get the trial out fast enough, very painful. Decided I will never allow this to be implanted.

The numerous doctors say there is no repairing the damaged nerve which makes me feel like I'm a lost cause and no one really cares about what I'm living with, doctors just keep throwing more meds at me and not helping me. I'm feel lost and not important enough, sometimes going to bed I think if I could just have a fatal heart attack in my sleep, it would be OK. Or maybe have a fatal car accident, you know something like this would take the suicide factor off the table. I know I'm not suicidal, I could never take my own life, (we have 15 grandchildren and I plan on being at each and every one of their graduations) but I'm not functioning this way.

I spoke to my PC doctor and again lets just increase my anti-depression med. REALLY ... this is not going to help. I'm struggling with making an appt with a Mental Health Clinic but I can't let my family know how bad I feel. Really not sure what and/or where to go from here.

Hi Trudy & welcome to the chronic pain forum. It sounds like you have been dealing with an awful lot the past couple of years.

First & foremost, by all means make yourself an appt with this Mental Health Clinic. Do not, do not be ashamed or embarrassed that you need some help. Many of us have been there or are there now. Believe me it is not a sign of weakness & I am so sorry that you feel you need to hide this from your family. I can assure you, only a strong person can survive living with chronic pain.

I am sorry to read that you ended up with this nerve damage as a result of your surgery. A friend of mine waited too long to have surgery & ended up with permanent nerve damage. The nerves just have to heal on their own if they are going to.

I don't know how well you like the pain mgt dr that is treating you. If you feel that he is not really addressing your issues maybe you should consider trying to find a different pain mgt dr. You need someone that is interested in you that is for sure.

Has anyone ever mentioned doing a trial for a pain pump? They are nothing like an SCS unit. I would not give you 2 cents for an SCS unit. We have just seen too many negative things with those. You may want to go to www.Medtronics.com & read up on the pumps. My first one was implanted June 2005. They have a list of medical issues that pumps are approved for & you can look to see if your condition is listed. It is a user friendly site.

Anyway, I wanted to pop on & say hi & I hope you will make that phone call.

I know what it feels like to feel that much pain. A mental health therapist is VERY helpful. When my mind has begged for death, I turn it over to God. We suffer through things to experience it. I've come to the conclusion that what doesn't kill us, makes our spirits stronger. I just recently found this support group too (yesterday), and I am so grateful. Pain is indescribable and most people cannot comprehend it. But we can, those of us who know it. So reach out and ask anything. My thoughts are with you.

Hi Trudy and welcome,

As was pointed out, there's quite a difference between "living" and just "existing." Many doctors do not understand, or lack the compassion required, to see that there's a fundamental difference.

Chronic pain eats away at all aspects of our lives. One thing I'd recommend with therapy is to find a therapist who absolutely specializes in chronic pain! Ohhhh, the mistakes I've encountered by well-meaning therapists who just have no freaking clue!

It can make us feel worse.

So, yep, that's straight out of the gate.

I'm in therapy now (both the physical kind and the psych kind), and I fiiiiinally found the right fit! So let me tell you, the right therapist, for the right situation, can make all the difference in the world.

Be prepared to do some hunting and interviewing to find the right match....(notice those words I used? Hmm? Hmm?) That's important to use because you do need to remind yourself that YOU are the one hiring THEM and thus, it is you who are initiating the interview process.

It will still boil down to whether you and they work well together, but I've found it establishes a firmer tone.

Please let us know how you do! :)











M.