Have You Ever Wanted a Violent Death?

I've been in frequent bodily pain since I was very young, now I'm a couple of months past 30. I've been in prolonged painful treatments over and over, and although I'm trying to last it out so I can survive for my family, the truth is that I'm exhausted of it.

When I think about the possibility of dying, I don't want to go into hospice where the process is slow, and where it will feel like a hospital all over again. I don't want any doctors or nurses around me.

I want to be free of all medical treatments. I don’t want to be in a hospital. I don’t want any machines, tubes, or restraints in or on me. I don’t want any doctors or nurses around. I want to be brought to a cold, dark, and scary place, in the woods at night or inside a cave.

This post is not to ask for help in finding the resolve to fight on. I'm only asking, at this point, if anyone else feels, or has ever felt, similar to how I do.




Nate, I have edited a sentence from your post as I think others will find it offensive & inappropriate. There are rules in place here at HW & when you have a minute if you have not reviewed them please do so. Thanks.

Post Edited By Moderator (straydog) : 11/9/2015 9:10:29 AM (GMT-7)

You have to do what you can to stay strong, you can make a difference in this life. Every life counts.

If you don't want Hospice then seek out an attorney and draw up a living will with how you wish things to go and then let your doctor know you have this.

I hope you can find a way out of this darkness and try a support group like what BnotAfraid, said...Try to keep a hold on to hope, there are new medical advancements every day....

You can have a quick death without going to hospice. I once died or came extremely close from a massive infection and septic shock. Whatever the time period, I was unaware. I don't think anyone wants to sit around waiting to die for a long period of time and no one should be living their life for someone else every single day. I don't think you need to be in a dark cave to make it quick and it doesn't need to be violent. You can fall into a sleep and not wake up.

How about getting out and working with people or animals? I often feel like my pets at the only thing that keep me going. It sounds like you're depressed. You would benefit from seeing a therapist or psychiatrist. Please get some help. Yes, I have felt the way you do. when I got up from shock and respiratory failure, i was not sure whether i was happy about it or not. Sometimes i still wish it went the other way. Luckily i have pets that i am bonded with and being with them makes me feel like it's good that I am here. It sounds like you have a loving family and that is something many of us don't have. Not to say you should be miserable to appease them but a loving family is something worth living for... i don't think i've ever posted on this board before but your title grabbed my attention. that's how down I can be that violent death intrigues me. You're not alone. It's human nature to think about these things.

BnotAfraid said...
I responded to you on my post.

I remember you posted on the Depression Forum and I think you have a kidney disorder.

Have you thought about finding a support group?

Talking, listening, knowing that other people are dealing with the same issue, emotions and problems as you is validating more than I can say.

I belong to a Bipolar/Mental Health support group. and members have various diagnosis, however, we all commonly share the same emotions and reactions, to/from people and situations. Learning from each other is invaluable.

Groups you might look for is Depression, Kidney Illness, Chronic Pain, ask your doctor what he/she might recommend.

I hope this darkness passes for you soon.
Peace
Trina

What? Talk to a doctor about THIS?

Doctors and nurses don't understand feelings and psychological damage of this kind at all. I'm looking around for a support group, but if I talked to a doctor about this, I'd be locked away in a hospital forever, which is exactly what I want to die to avoid.

Chartreux said...
You have to do what you can to stay strong, you can make a difference in this life. Every life counts.

If you don't want Hospice then seek out an attorney and draw up a living will with how you wish things to go and then let your doctor know you have this.

I hope you can find a way out of this darkness and try a support group like what BnotAfraid, said...Try to keep a hold on to hope, there are new medical advancements every day....

No, I don't want a hospice, and an attorney, an, in particular, a doctor, would never understand what I want.

I want to die a brutal and violent death. A death unrelated to medical treatment or intervention, like being stabbed or skewered, I want to have my body broken and bleeding and not be taken to a hospital.

But my original and intended question was if anyone else has ever wanted this, too.

notsosicklygirl said...
You can have a quick death without going to hospice. I once died or came extremely close from a massive infection and septic shock. Whatever the time period, I was unaware. I don't think anyone wants to sit around waiting to die for a long period of time and no one should be living their life for someone else every single day. I don't think you need to be in a dark cave to make it quick and it doesn't need to be violent. You can fall into a sleep and not wake up.

Is there hope for you to improve and live without all of the pain and struggling? you know, some states allow terminally ill to have doctor assisted suicide - do you think you fall into the group for which it would be approved?

How about getting out and working with people or animals? I often feel like my pets at the only thing that keep me going. It sounds like you're depressed. You would benefit from seeing a therapist or psychiatrist. Please get some help. Yes, I have felt the way you do. when I got up from shock and respiratory failure, i was not sure whether i was happy about it or not. Sometimes i still wish it went the other way. Luckily i have pets that i am bonded with and being with them makes me feel like it's good that I am here. It sounds like you have a loving family and that is something many of us don't have. Not to say you should be miserable to appease them but a loving family is something worth living for... i don't think i've ever posted on this board before but your title grabbed my attention. that's how down I can be that violent death intrigues me. You're not alone. It's human nature to think about these things.

The thing is, I want it to be violent.

If I pushed for it, I think I could get doctor-assisted suicide, but I don't want doctors having anything to do with me or my death.

You still have the most interesting response so far. You said you have felt similarly, and that there are still times you wish you had died. That's what I was wondering, if anyone did have feelings like that too.

I do have a loving family, and that is why I keep trying to survive through the hard time - for them. But I also know that I can't do it indefinitely. I too have a pet that I am hyper-bonded with, a very sweet black kittycat. He even stays with me when I sleep. I also do volunteer at a nature center, which I enjoy, and I'm trying to look into a small role in paleontology, one of my passions.

Still, the desire for a violent death often resurfaces and east away at me, and I can't seem to start thinking about it without craving it. I have no current plans to actually kill myself, but I do want to talk about it.

I think it is human nature to think about these things. Do you think it's also human nature to want death sometimes?