Guilt

Hello all again. I'm curious to know what some of your "go to" coping skills are for the guilt associated with chronic pain. Not being able to maintain your usual pace of life, asking for help (this has been SO HARD for me in my own journey), missing out on things with friends and family, being so exhausted, the financial strain, relationship strain, feeling selfish from all the self care I need, etc. There's been SO much guilt involved for me in the way(s) my own pain has affected my life the last 4-5 years and the lives of those around me, that I haven't withdrawn from anyway.

Thank you.

Hi creatureLover and yes as WB stated this has been kicked around a good deal but not lately and it seems to be a problem many CPers have to deal with. I have been doing this so long its hard to remember what the early years brought as far as guilt. I do know that sometimes you have to take the trash out and with it those in your life that are constantly laying guilt on you. They rarely change their views and thinking and not one of us asked for this life and having people making you feel guilt ridden for being ill is not something you need to battle with.

Chronic pain conditions are no less a medical condition than diabetes and heart disease and people don't generally dump guilt on them for limitations they may have.

As for guilt in needing assistance from time to time thats strictly on you and your way of thinking. Everyone needs help of some measure at some point in their life and if you learn to throw out all your preconceived ideas of right and wrong ways of doing things and adapt your life so that your still contributing to the everyday grind of it just doing so in a different manner.

I successfully finished raising 5 children as a single parent with CP as others here have as well. I maintained my house and although you could never call it immaculate it wasn't a pig sty by any means. Once I came to HW and took the advice of those who have gone before me I did ok. I learned that just because my Mom cooked 6 course meals every night of the week or the neighbors mowed their grass and I paid their son to mow mine didn't make me less of a good parent or community participant.

I learned how to function within my abilities and not in spite of the disability. My kids ate healthy just in two courses not 6,my yard looked as good as the rest of the street and our quality time was spent piled in my bed with the kids watching movies rather than the theater and once I resigned myself to the fact that it was all ok and I was taking care of my life just different than the Jones's I had no more bouts of debilitating guilt.

Learn how to micromanage your days and as long as you are doing everything you need to the way of it and the timeline is irrelevant.

Rufous:
If you had Type 1 diabetes, you would take insulin to manage your health and well-being.

If you had epilepsy, you would take an anti-convulsant to manage your health and well-being.

Taking medication for pain - be it a narcotic, an anti-inflammatory agent, a corticosteroid, or other - is on par with the examples above.

I, too, have felt judgment by my family in my need to take a narcotic. I have been subject to expressed criticism and negative comments.

My family does not exist in my body space. They do not experience the pain that I experience due to the collapse of my femoral heads, the bone crumbling due to avascular necrosis as the result of taking necessary corticosteroids for Addison's disease. They do not "walk the walk" that I do. Because if they did, I garner to reason that they, too, would need to take a narcotic . . . to simply have the ability to stand and walk.

Pass no judgment on yourself. That is the first step toward self-healing.

Take the lowest amount of narcotic that you can to keep the pain you experience at a reasonable level and at a level at which you can function.

Come here, to this forum, when you need the humanity of support and of simple kindness.
- Karen -

We are often labeled as being lazy because we can't keep up with things like we once did. One thing about living with CP, you will find out real quick who are your true friends & the others are mere acquaintances, huge difference between the two.

I use to feel guilty in the very beginning. I have a combination of health issues it wasn't just one thing that turned my world upside down. I decided that I could let the guilt eat me alive or move on. You have to remember this is not something that is self inflicted, we sure didn't ask to have these problems. So, do not ever let anyone friend or foe try to suggest differently. After all, inside we are the very same person as before. Don't let someone elses expectations be your expectations.

That one good friend is being honest with you. I would much rather have one good friend than 50 acquaintances. At some time your friend will need your help & you will get to return many favors & your friend probably already knows this of you Rofous.

We do have to get a little thicker skinned after awhile. Like you said those biting comments often made can be hurtful.

Hang in there.

I'm sure the members who have been around longer than I don't want to see the same topics brought up, I'll start searching for keywords on older posts so I'm not bringing the same things up so often. The dialogue with those of you who take the time to respond and share is important for me at this point in my journey. So thank you. I try hard not to burden friends and family with the blah blah blah of all of this all the time. The longer this goes on, the more symptoms progress, the new ways it affects my body and life, the more I realize I cannot handle all this without some sort of relating and/or outlet.

This is actually the first support group I've ever joined or taken part in. I've always been a private person with things that make me feel weak or vulnerable and just wrote it out in my journals or cried it out on my own. I'm aware of where it comes from...just not how to change all of these things about myself, or cope in new ways. What I've been doing isn't working though.

I've been working internally at changing my expectations of myself and my life over the last few years...but I still struggle with so much guilt and even shame. I feel like a burden and don't want to be that person always asking for help...draining people. The last month has been the worst of it with the new neuro muscular issues; long story short, I have several symptoms of MS now but no brain lesions. I just had another brain and cervical MRI Friday and am awaiting full results. My PM Dr is sending me for a consult with a Neuro Surg (again) as there's more spinal cord involvement now with my existing cervical issues. I'm not able to drive, walk, see or move normally the last month, have increased nerve and muscle pain and have been off work as well. I also found out my Vit D level was a 6 and the Rheum said getting that back up to normal should help with some of the bone and muscle pain. Terrifying for a paycheck to paycheck woman who lives alone but that's a whole other topic in itself.

Again, thank you for feedback and sharing your own experiences.

Post Edited (CreatureLover) : 4/11/2016 10:43:16 PM (GMT-6)

CreatureLover, I for one am glad you brought this up as it is something weighing heavily on me in my journey and just because this has been discussed in the past is no reason not to discuss it now.

Just the fact that this is where you are at right now is reason enough and like you, this is the first such group I have joined. As White Beard said, there is so much grieving involved and for some reason while we might get sympathy for our other illnesses and conditions, many people do not understand the nature of chronic pain. I for one thank you for bringing this up.