Lost life

I was wondering just how many feel like their life is meaningless since developing chronic pain? What I mean by this is loss of determination, ambition, and anything else that determines who we are and how successful we are. I never finished my degree, never became successful and to hear others in my family speak I am a failure. With exception of one other brother my family has been very successful and wealthy. They have been holding the fact that I am not over my head. In fact it's so bad that I no longer have contact with any of them. I also don't speak with my mother very often and she never calls me. Last time I spoke with her she said she was embarrassed.

It does not matter that I suffer from chronic pain and am on disability. One of my other brothers is also on disability. He has similar issues but my mother believes him but not me. To her I am just copying my brother and my brother says the same thing. Needless to say I no longer speak to him. I guess the fact that I do not have a diagnosis is a thorn in my side. I have been tested for just about everything and all the tests come back negative. The funny thing is a recent bone scan showed inflammatory arthritis in my knees and back but no cause has been found.


As I sit here and type this I can help but feel like I am lazy and am only using the fact that I have pain as an excuse to not do anything. I would so love to get out and go back to school or work but even though I keep talking about it I never do. Such a wasted life.


This has been eating at me for along time now and I just don't know how to solve it.

I suppose no one will really respond to my post but I had to say something

Quahog

read about the Law of Atrraction, energy medicine, and Psych-k. I was in the same boat you are in just months ago, but through these things my life is changing everyday for the better. We don't have to live a life of pain. We deserve the best love and life have to offer, and you don't have to life with chronic pain forever. Once you are able to reach whatever issues you may have on a subconcious level, things can start to change. we can wish wish with all our might, consciously, but untill we get our subconcious, and Whole Brain (not just the left, or right side, but both working together) nothing will happen.
After years of meds, therapy, and frustration, I've found these things to be the only thing to work.
This is not an add, but simply a testamony to what has changed my life.
Think good things, like I AM WELL, not, I'm always going to be sick and tired. Attract positive things, people, situations with your thoughts, intent, and actions.
YOU ARE WELL!!
Best to you my friend,
Ang

O.k. after being up most of the night--not doing so good right now myself--I thought of you and your current situation; I've changed my mind, I am going to give you advice---but I see Chutz has beatin me to the punch. If your not in any in-person support group or counseling now, I would highly recommend it. Sounds like your alone a lot of the time and that in itself can lead to distorted thinking. You need friends/support my friend. Life sucks sometimes--I totally get that--but you need to sit down w/someone/people and say it out loud and let them validate your feelings. We don't get to choose our family and sometimes we hold on to unrealistic expectations of what they can mean to us or do for us--I've found that if your not getting what you want out of someone, you have to go look for it somewhere else.

One of my favorite quotes is from Helen Keller: Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, amibition inspired, and success achieved.

Aaaaaaawwwwww.... quahog, you're breaking my heart! What you are describing is Depression - that simple. It happens to most of us who deal with chronic pain and families and friends who don't understand what we're going through, and God willing never will. I did the same exact thing you did, and it was my pain pshychologist who got me out of that horrible funk, taught me a few things about myself and some methods of dealing with pain and life in pain. She's been invaluable during my fentanyl detox as well.

Counseling is a good thing, but in your case, accept no substitutes: go for a PhD Pain Psychologist. One reason I recommend such is that a pain shrink will be educated in opiate medications, their side effects, their uses and misuses, and will not label you a drug addict if you ever experience withdrawal symptoms. A pain specialist knows the difference between physical dependency and addiction. You want a shrink who will educate you - not one that you have to educate.

For now, just know that it WILL get better.

God do I understand what you are saying and feeling! My who life I wanted to be a cop. A New York City cop. That was my dream. Took the written test, got a 98% on it. And just before the physical.... the nerve damage in the neck.. that ruined everything. No way they would take me. So then I go to school and become a chef as I love to cook. Mistake. Between the pain in my neck and arm and then herniating my disc, forget it. I can't do much of anything. And I feel like a waste of life. I mean, I used to love to do things that I could do at a table, like build model cars or resin models of figures. No more. I have no desire to pick anything up. I'm not sure it will pass or not. But thats how I feel now..good for crap.

This is the first chat room I have ever been in, so I hope I am doing this right. I am replying to this post because it is so wonderful to hear that other people are experiencing the same thoughts and feelings that I have had for so long. I have chronic back pain, both from an accident and then from the " dreaded back surgery " that is supposed to make you free from " pain. " What a joke! If anyone notices, it is 1:00 in the morning now, I will be up until 3 o'clock or later. Can't sleep unless I take my antidepressant, one benedryl and 5mg of melatonin. This will knock me out, which is the only way I can sleep. I am not on any narcotic at the moment, just cymbalta and lyrica. That is why I replied, I take 60mg of cymbalta because my depression was so bad, that I would just stay in the house, in my chair, all day. I never wanted to go anywhere, do anything or visit with anyone. I never called my family or my friends, I had nothing to say that I had not said a thousand times before, I HURT AND I FEEL WORTHLESS. People who do not have constant pain have no clue to understanding your feelings.
They really don't want to hear it, I am sure that were things reversed I would probably feel the same way. I cannot even remember what it was like to feel good. This has been going on since 1995, I cannot work anymore because I cannot sit at a desk for any length of time. I was an excellent secretary, I loved my job, I was good at something and proud of myself. I used to read at least 4 books a week, I was an artist and loved my time I had to draw or paint. Now I cannot read a book for some reason, I think it is because you have to get in a comfortable position to read and that is something I have trouble accomplishing. So I can relate to everything you have written, I hated myself for not wanting my family around, most of the time I didn't even want my husband in the house with me. But......I saw an ad for cymbalta, and decided to ask my neurologist if I could take that, and then I asked for Lyrica, because I had researched that. Funny, but my neurologist had nothing to offer me, when I first came to him, but, to see pain management clinics for narcotics for pain. Been there, done that......they gave one pain pill and 300 mg of neurontin. Nothing. After years of trying to find a pain clinic that really tried to ease your pain, I finally gave up and decided I can't stand doctors anymore.
So, with this new guy, the neurologist, I just asked for the meds that I hoped would work, and he prescribed them for me. But, he went one step further, and prescribed 6400 mg of neurontin a day, and 60 mg of cymbalta. I do not hate anyone anymore, I actually walk around outside and work in the flower beds, I can bend a little bit more, I can sit a little straighter, and I am not screaming from nerve pain in my back anymore, I still hurt constantly, but the heavy dose of neurontin and the antidepressant seemed to work together to make life just a little bit better. I like myself again, and I actually read a book the other day.......So, please think about maybe what you feel like you need, or what you think might help you get past this low place in your life, and ask some doctor to let you try it, keep going until you find one who will listen to you.......this is usually very difficult, because I wonder if some of them even realize they are dealing with real live people. But keep looking and asking questions until you find something that helps you.....don't be afraid to ask. ,

I just read the meds & dosages written by Kttn 251977 and I became a bit concerned.  Kttn, you are either reading your medication bottles incorrectly or your doctor has you terribly misinformed.  I feel that since you are taking such a large amount of  meds, you should know what they are actually intended for.  I think you do understand what your Oxycontin, Oxycodone, Zanaflex, Restoril, Soma, Phenergan, Cymbalta, Lyrica and some of the others are used for.  However,  you are mistaken about some of your other meds.  Cymbalta is not a pain med.  It is an anti-depressant.  Amitriptyline is also an anti-depressant and not a pain killer.  The Abilify that you are taking  is used to enhance the effects of your other anti-depressants.

It is also important for you to know that while you are taking Amitriptyline, you need to have your heart checked at least twice a year.  This particular anti-depressant is known to cause heart problems.  That is why many doctors are now choosing other types of anti-depressants as an alternative to this very effective yet dangerous drug.

It sounds like you are having some serious health difficulties and my prayers go out to you!!!

Good Luck,

ZRI

Glenn, have missed you...
Long time no see, you've been thru a lot this year to say the least, but don't think for one
minute that you are a failure...your family and us here will tell ya that...Have you talked about
these feelings with a psychologist??? You know you can rant away here anytime and I sure
Hope you can get a low pain day soon...will be thinking of you and send lots of prayers
and soft hugz...
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Glenn))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
hugz
and keep us posted more often...

     looky there! PaLady, I never thought to look at the posted date! Good eye! I'm learning! :)