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Help, how to tell family no!

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Posted 12/23/2008 6:29 PM (GMT 0)
My mom is going to want my medication for anxiety. She had a prescription for her own meds but long story short her Dr. found out she was an alcoholic and cut her off. She isn't drinking now which is great but threatens to if she doesn't get her medication! I'm 41 and I really have never told my mom no. I can see shoes flying, screaming being ejected from the house. I'm soooo stressed her alcholism has almost killed her twice in the last 2 years. MY dad has terminal cancer this could be his last X-mas I have 2 girls ages 5 and 6. I won't share I can't share it's just wrong and I'll be resposible for ruining X-mas. BTW I will be locking all my meds in my car.

jennifer the Grinch sp?
Posted 12/23/2008 7:11 PM (GMT 0)
Kuddos to you. That is your medication for your use, not your Mothers. Its her own fault she got caught let her deal w/her own ramifications from that. Using her alcohol as leverage to obtain medication from you is disgusting to say the least. Its people like her that have added to the problem of people getting the medication they truly need. She is just using the alcohol as an excuse. Sorry not wanting to hurt your feelings here but I feel very strongly about this sort of thing. This woman is way too old to be behaving like this. Tell your mother if she has issues to get some mental help.

 

If you are going to her home for holidays, please, please, the minute she starts her rant, gather your little ones up and get them out of her house immediately. They do not need to be exposed to behavior like that. Believe me, they will remember it the rest of their lives too. Do not let this person control you or ruin your holidays or your childrens.

 

Has your mother used the alcohol in the past issue to obtain medication from other people? Stick to your guns honey, but do not let her verbally abuse you or your children. Hugs, Susie

Posted 12/23/2008 7:32 PM (GMT 0)
She has bought it on the street. I will back the car into the driveway for a quick get away. I have been talking to her 4 to 5 times a day because of her problem and every time I tell her we need to get her help and everybody makes mistakes but you have to be honest with your Dr.

thanks jennifer
Posted 12/23/2008 7:41 PM (GMT 0)
Jen you just stick to your guns honey and dig your heels in. Don't let her ruin your familys holidays, ok. Tell her if she doesn't back off from you, you will turn her butt in to the authorities. That may get her off your back. If she is buying off the street she has some real problems honey and you can't make her get help, she has to do it on her own. If you give in one time you are screwed. Hugs Susie
Posted 12/23/2008 8:04 PM (GMT 0)
I know if I give in once it will never end. I have and will never share meds. Her Dr knows best mabey the craving for drugs will lead her to treatment instead of self medication. whats the name of that group for family of alcoholics. I dread this trip its 400 miles on Xmas day. I'll have to get a motel if things get bad I can't just turn around and drive back


thanks
jennifer
Posted 12/23/2008 8:15 PM (GMT 0)
Jen, I am so sympathetic to what you are going through. I came from an abusive/alcoholic home. My step-father was a terrible drunk. I know how hard it is to deal with that. Well, as much as I would like to tell you to tell her to flip off, we both know its not going to happen. You have obviously tried talking to her about getting help. Can I ask what med you take that she would be so interested in? I know I am on a few for pain/depression/fibro & they all take awhile to get in your system. I have a high toelrence to meds, but none of mine make me sleepy, nor any other different ones in the past. Unless you have Klonopin or Xanax, I know those two are popular with pill heads. I have heard the names before. (watch out Jim! J/K) Look, these are YOUR meds, you need them for a legit reason. I know my meds all say do not skip, do not stop taking they can cause real withdrawl symptoms. There must be more than she is telling you, because any Dr who knows what her home life is like (I'm sorry about your father) she should be able to get something to help her cope. But, maybe due to the alcoholism she has damaged her liver in some way that she physically could hurt herself taking these kind of meds..... this is a Drs area, not mine. Only making a guess. I know I have never once had a Dr deny me something for anxiety or depression. Even before my back issues. All I can say is hide your meds, tell her you don't have enough to spare, or you are scared they may harm her in some way. Tell her you love her & worry about her, that she should be the mother- not you. (sighs, I know.... we grow up quick w/alcoholic parents) And follow straydogs advice- leave if it begins to turn badly. Now are you going to her place? Cause you could just "forget" to bring your meds with you! Maybe call a local addiction hotline & ask them for advice on how to deal with your mothers issues & how to say no, without starting a fight. Good luck, I wll say a long prayer for you...... I know how tough it can be, no matter what age you are. Let us know how it turns out!
Posted 12/23/2008 8:30 PM (GMT 0)
I'm on Xanax. I've been on it for 20 years without any problems. Yes a grew up the only child of an alcohoic If you look up enabler in the dictionary you would find my picture.

thanks

jennifer
Posted 12/23/2008 8:42 PM (GMT 0)
Jenpen,
I don't have a lot of time right now so please forgive me if i'm a bit insensitive in how I may post this. It's not directed toward you. I do have some professional background in this, although I am not giving you medical advice. You asked about Al-Anon, which is the family component of A.A. That's a good first step fOR YOU. Your mother is an addict, and that doesn't mean just alcohol. Any drugs with similar chemical structures use the same pathways in the brain to maintain an addiction. So whether it's alcohol or xanax it's the same thing to the brain. Your Mom needs to be in a formal addictions treatment program. I don't know if she'll go, but you can call one (look up addictions professionals in the yellow pages) and ask if they can help. Some help you do interventions, but you need HELP and preparation to do this. Don't try it on your own.

For now know that saying a firm 'NO' to your mother is the ONLY WAY TO HELP SAVE HER LIFE. All these other medications will do is help her die faster. You are not a grinch. Please, call Al-Anon now and see if there's a meeting near where you live and near where your parents live. That way you can get some immediate support. Then right after the holidays you can call a formal treatment center if you want, to see if they'll help with an intervention with your mother. Let them guide you. And I know you want to spend time with your father. Don't take your medications into their house. Lock them somewhere in your car while you're visiting. You actually may get some help from someone in Al-Anon who's around your parents. Maybe there's someone you could stay with. Try to focus on your time with your father, as i know that's important. Get firm in your mind you are NOT going to let your mother rob you of this Christmas, and if you need to call the police, do it. She will know you're serious then, and hard as it is it's the best thing you can do for everyone. I'm also the child of an alcoholic (it killed my father), so I know it's not easy. But your time with your Dad is precious. Think about how angry you would be if your father died in a few days and your mother robbed you of seeing him. Hold that anger and use it productively. Possibly take her aside and muster all that strength and tell her firmly (not yelling, but firm, like when you want your kids to do something and you mean it!) that you will not be giving her any medication now or ever. That she needs help but that you are not going to let her illness rob you of Christmas with your father. Do you think you could do something like this?

PaLady
Posted 12/23/2008 8:44 PM (GMT 0)
Jen, don't feel that way. You don't like to see her in pain, and an alcoholic knows how to work that card. You are making a concious decision today to stop her.... if this is your first time, at least you recognize the problem and no longer want to contribute. But, from what I read it sounds like you have tried to get her to get some help. I know I never had attention & I would drink with my parents (I was allowed to drink at 14) just to get some attention. You were a victim, not an enabler. You would be handing your pills over to her without a fight if you were an enabler. Please consider talking to someone, whether the hotline or even a therapist. I have been to one due to the chronic pain, but of course childhood trauma is part of healing too. I had a heck of a chip on my shoulder for a very long time. It took some time to open up, but you should get some expert advice on how to deal with her addiction. You can do this..... we are here for you. If you ever need to talk, I will give you my home e-mail, but please do not think any of this is your fault. She is responsible for her own actions. Deep down you know that.... we all make our own life choices. She can choose to change, she just needs to get some courage & really want it. Let me know if you need anything....... and positive thoughts!
Posted 12/23/2008 9:11 PM (GMT 0)
Jen, I know that it's Christmas and all, but if I were you I would stay home....That 400 mile trip will turn into an 800 trip from hell... Maybe you and your kids should just do your own thing this year...why take a chance that her problem will make you and yours miserable.....Just a thought...

Hope it turns out well....Merry Christmas honey...

Me
Posted 12/23/2008 9:16 PM (GMT 0)
Jen,

I am truly sorry for what you are going through. You are doing the absolute right thing by saying no to giving your mother any of your medications. Good job. Find the al-anon meeting like PaLady suggested and get some support for yourself too.

Merry Christmas and Good luck.

Hugs

Lindaloo
Posted 12/23/2008 9:41 PM (GMT 0)
I just want to tell you only take the right amount of med`s you need for the days you are going to be there.It will be easyer for you to say no if you only have enuff for yourself.Also if she finds them some how you wont be missing alot.Hope that you have a merry christmas.Good luck on your trip.
Posted 12/23/2008 10:22 PM (GMT 0)
I have a house sitter so i'm better off taking my meds with me the van has a locking glove box plus i'll lock the doors. If she gets too out of hand I'll have my boyfriend take the kids while I call 911 cops or treatment. I want to see my Dad. My Mom is very concerned with appearances so she would never want the police in the driveway. I talked to her today and she agrees that she needs some help she can't admit that her drinking was a problem but she knows she needs help. If I can get her into regular therapy it might help her cope.
Posted 12/24/2008 12:39 AM (GMT 0)
Jen,
Your Mom needs specialized help, and by that I mean someone who treats addiction. There are a lot of therapists who don't know much about addiction and sadly can even make it worse but minimizing the problem out of ignorance. You need to focus on getting yourself some help and support, and your Mom needs to start taking charge of her life. I'm not saying you can't support her, but your last sentence suggests that you're taking on the job of helping her fix her problems, and that's what many of us ACOA's (Adult Children of Alcoholics) have learned to do. An addictions treatment center can help all of you, but please focus on getting yourself the support you need.

I wish for you a peaceful holiday and some quality time with your father.

PaLady
Posted 12/24/2008 12:52 AM (GMT 0)
Jen-
In addition to everything else everyone has already pointed out, "sharing" your prescribed medications with your mother is illegal. If she is so worried about the cops, let her know that there is a real chance if you come up short at a pill count with your doctor that the police could be called to look into it. That is the last thing anyone needs!

I do feel for you, but giving her pills could be very dangerous to her as well. After neurosurgery I was given Percocet to control the pain. It turns out I was very allergic to it. I threw the bottle out, but found out later that my mom had fished the mostly full bottle out of the trash can & kept it for herself. She took two of them together a few weeks later when she "had a bad headache" and ended up in the ER b/c they didn't mix with the other meds she was on. Plus she swore she wasn't drinking, but the BAC proved otherwise. The docs wanted to know where she got them & she said that she just had them around the house. They followed up & asked who had prescribed them to her. It was a world of trouble for the both of us. (Fortunately, the police agreed not to charge me -- which was a huge blessing since I could have lost my teaching license as the charge would have been narcotrafficing) She lied to the doctors, lied to the police, lied to family, lies, lies, lies. She was forced to make an appointment with a counselor, but she spun crazy tales for 3 sessions until the counselor finally said she needed to focus on her own problems. The next appointment, she made up some fake excuse about breaking her arm & not being able to make the appointment. She never went back. My mom doesn't like a scene anymore than your mom does, but the reality is that even if one does arise she will somehow find a way to twist it to make it about how she is the victim.

I well understand your guilt. It sounds really cruel, but my guess is that no one is benefiting from spending time with her. Schedule some time with your dad when she can't be there, but don't keep exposing yourself & your family to lies, manipulation & abuse. One way I do this is to get my mom a GC to get her nails done or a massage or something so she will be out of the house at a scheduled time. A lot of salons have specials right now, so I've found I can get her a mani/pedi for $20 combined. It's not free, but the time with the rest of my family is priceless and each of my siblings & dad each take a turn buying the GC's. I don't believe she suspects a thing & we have been doing this for a few years.

I think your mom's new story about knowing she needs help sounds a bit suspect. It is way too soon since she asked you for some meds. If I had to guess, she is just working a different angle still trying to get you to either give up your meds or let down your guard so she can steal them. If she really is willing to accept help, that's fantastic & I think it's great that you want to assist her with that, but don't assume she's changed overnight. Keep your guard up even as you do everything you can to get her into counseling or a program.
I know that "tough love" is never easy, but in the end you will be better off for it &, with any luck, maybe your mom will finally decide to get in a program, work the steps & stick with it. I will pray for that.


Christmas blessings,
frances
Posted 12/24/2008 2:07 AM (GMT 0)
OMG my dad called his cancer Dr and got some xanax for her. Well I guess we should just enjoy X-mas. When he dies we will just deal with the problem.

thanks all and happy holidays
jennifre
Posted 12/24/2008 2:10 AM (GMT 0)
Frances; Just read your post and I have a quick question. This may sound a little harsh because I have really never heard of anyone throwing their medications into the trash and I really don't mean it to. What did you learn from this?

Merry Christmas

Scarred
Posted 12/24/2008 2:54 AM (GMT 0)
Scarred-
Obviously I would never do that now. I was young & had never been on ANY meds before in my life except an occasional antibiotic. It never occurred to me that there might be other options besides throwing them away the same as I would throw away an expired bottle of Tylenol. Going forward, I would tell the surgeon that I probably only would need a day or two worth of meds, tops. I think it's pretty crazy that they would prescribe anyone as much medication as they gave me (4 pills per day for 10 days! Honestly, percocet is crazy strong. I can't imagine anyone in the world would need that much.). I talked to my NS said he won't write people for that many anymore.

Fortunately, my PM is more responsible about how much he prescribes me & I'm trying to get off of the meds altogether.

In my state, it's very difficult right now & confusing for people b/c there are regular news reports about levels of various types of medications that make it into the city water supply. Supposedly those levels can be unsafe for some people so they are pulling water from farther & farther out in Lake Michigan, but the news people keep saying "don't flush your meds". Doctors offices have to get some special permission in order to receive back prescribed medications to their offices & they have to agree to destroy all meds by close of business each day. Many doctors' offices refuse to accept meds (Except PM offices, which are required to accept them). Pharmacies never take the meds back. Hospitals, for the most part, will only take them back if the script was filled at a hospital pharmacy (and not all of them even have pharmacies that fill take home meds). That said, what is the average person supposed to do if they don't belong to a pain clinic (and most surgical patients do not)?

I'm not saying that anyone should be let off the hook. Maybe you're right & I should have been locked up for being so ignorant. I really can't argue that point. I know I was lucky the police were understanding.

It is not easy though to try to think like a criminal 24/7. I attend regular beat meetings & have learned that it is not only the pills that need to be disposed of properly, but also that the bottle labels & receipts must also be blacked out, shredded or otherwise destroyed b/c there are people who go "fishing" for empty bottles & will call in refills to the pharmacy pretending to be you. Your address & everything is right on the bottle, so it's very easy to impersonate a person to the pharmacy. It's getting to the point where I would almost rather be bedridden than have to put up with all the insanity of having a prescribed medication that everybody in the world, including family, is trying to steal.
Posted 12/24/2008 4:04 AM (GMT 0)
I've just started blacking out the info. - including the bar code - on my empty pill bottles before I pitch them. This is a royal pain, no question. Years ago I probably would just pitch extra pills, too, sometimes when I'd get them from the dentist after some procedure and they'd give way too much. But those were for acute, one-shot deals.

The problem of people dumping meds into water supply is becoming increasingly problematic. And a lot of is stuff like antibiotics. I heard somewhere locally that you could take them to the pharmacy where you had them filled for proper disposal, but this is a relatively new program. It may not be everywhere.

Jen - your Mom taking those pills is her responsibility. The doctor giving them to her (if it's her doctor who knows her history) is making his own mistake. If it makes it easier on you to enjoy Christmas with your father, I can't judge that, but I'd suggest telling your mother you do not approve. And still call Al-Anon for yourself.

PaLady
Posted 12/24/2008 8:04 AM (GMT 0)
Frances; I am so sorry for the way that sounded hun. See I told you it would come out wrong. I was in a great deal of pain last night when I wrote that and I just kind of blurted it out without thinking and for that I was in the wrong. Yes it is becoming extremely problematic for pain sufferers to dispose of their medications safely without any problems these days. I don't know what we as pain patients can do to fix this either. I have several bottles piling up of old medications that I do need to have disposed of and I know this is reckless to have just lying around my safe but I keep forgetting to take it with me when I go to the PC when I have my appts. and I don't want to dump them down the sink or toilet either.

Maybe I should call my pharmacy to see if they dispose of them or remember them for my next appt and take them with me. I too was relatively new to the pain medication world when I first got my scripts and did not know any better when I was disposing of mine into the toilet. My doc informed me that this was not a good thing to do and that to bring them to her office and she would dispose of them for me. I had not heard of blacking out the info until a few years ago when again my Pain doc told me that any info could be gotten from my trash and people would know what I was on. I was flabbergasted to know that anyone would go through my trash! Well that put me on full alert and I watched everything even went so far as to buy a shredder and began shredding my receipts and everything. So I know how it is to feel fresh at this and I should not have phrased that question like that. I am truly sorry. I did not mean to make you feel bad or anything like that.

hugs

Scarred
Posted 12/24/2008 8:03 PM (GMT 0)
I use Walgreens & they recycle the plastic bottles. I always black sharpie out my info on my tubes too..... just incase!
Posted 12/24/2008 9:13 PM (GMT 0)
Maybe we could dump our old meds where we dump old tires?? idea smilewinkgrin

Sorry, couldn't resist. But I do think someone will have to come up with a system for us all. And I'll bet we'll end up having to pay a fee - like when someone disposes of your old tires!! rolleyes

PaLady
p.s. Jen, this is not meant to trivialize your problems. I hope I didn't offend you. If so, feel free to tell me and I'll delete this.
Posted 12/25/2008 4:31 PM (GMT 0)
Well a little car trouble and we are putting off going to my Mom's. X-mas has been great the kid's now get 2 x-mas' neigbors invited us for dinner because we didn't plan on being here. Will go to Mom's on Friday and if it goes well great if not by by. Boyfriend of 10 years and I are going to educate Dad a little on addiction and see if we can confront her and at least let her know we know she has a problem and she needs treatment we are really the only family she has left and the tantrums have to stop Dad deserves to enjoy what quality life he has left. If she drives us away she will be all alone.

thanks all merry x-mas
jennifer
Posted 12/25/2008 6:00 PM (GMT 0)
Good for you Jen for standing up to your mom and trying to take control of the situation. I am sorry that you did not get to go to your families for Christmas but maybe this was a sign that you need time for yourself. Its great that you have at least salvaged the rest of the holiday and that your Christmas is not a failure. Maybe by educating your dad you can get some peace within the family and get your mom the treatment she needs as well. Anyway have a Merry Christmas and if you need someone to talk to I'm here for you.

Hugs

Scarred
Posted 12/25/2008 7:43 PM (GMT 0)
Jen,
It sounds like that car trouble was a Christmas gift in disguise for you. You sound like a weight has been lifted from you for the day, and you and your children and boyfriend and neighbors can have a relaxing, fun Christmas. Plus you'll get to see your Dad later.

It's great you plan to start educating your Dad, but I do encourage you to try to get some professional help in confronting your mother. interventions need to be planned if they're to be successful, but you don't need to think about that today.

Have fun and enjoy your day!

PaLady
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