HealingWell
Search Close Search
☰

Bad Night

Support Forums
>
Chronic Pain
✚ New Topic ✚ Reply
❬ ❬ Previous Thread |Next Thread ❭ ❭
Posted 12/29/2008 6:00 AM (GMT 0)
I've been having a hard time coping lately. I'm trying to face reality, but it isn't easy. I've been forced to think about the future (especially next semester) a lot lately. I barely made it through last semester, even with drastically cutting back my course load. I was hoping I'd be a little better by now, but we still haven't found the right medication combo for me. Instead I've been trying to manage side effects, major insomnia, depression, vision problems and of course the ever-persistent pain. I desperately needed this month break off, but because of an unfortunate computer crash just prior to exams, I have to spend the entire break re-doing 3 months of research (which was so very hard on my eye to begin with) and a 20 page paper, in addition to a ton of work for a class for next semester.

I'm just not sure I can get through another semester in my present state, but I desperately don't want to take time off. I'm having a very hard time making any decisions at the moment, which I think is due to my uncontrolled depression. I had a huge break down tonight about all of this. I don't know what to do.

On top of all this, my back has been bothering me. I hurt it a couple weeks ago, shoveling after a big snow storm. I must have strained it or something, because there are about five vertebrae that hurt when I bend or arch my back at all & they are all tender to any pressure. I'm pretty sure I didn't do any real damage, but this additional pain is not helping things.

I'm seeing my ophthalmologist in another week, but I know that there is nothing more that he can do for me. But I am hoping that maybe, just maybe, he has thought of something more to try. I'm also seeing another neuro-ophthalmologist again in about two and a half weeks. I'm praying that he will be able to give me an answer, to help me not to give up hope. I haven't seen a neuro-ophthalmologist in over a year, so maybe something will have changed. Either way, I'll have to make some kind of decision after I see them.

I'm just so upset. What if my eye pain doesn't improve at all in the time off? What if I am in the same situation six months or a year from now. Do I just give up on school? On my dreams? I got into a really prestigious internship program at my school for next semester, and I know that I won't be accepted back into the program if I drop out now.

Sorry for all the ranting. This may seem insignificant to some of you, but it is a huge and hard decision for me, and I'm especially out of whack right now since I haven't seen my psychologist in several weeks. I'd really just appreciate some support right now. I'm having a hard time seeing the positive side of things. I just feel like the world is crashing down on me right now. Everything just seems to be going wrong.

Skeye

Post Edited (skeye) : 12/28/2008 11:03:51 PM (GMT-7)

Posted 12/29/2008 6:15 AM (GMT 0)
Dear Skeye,
I understand what you're feeling more than you may know, although the details are different. So while I may not have an answer, know that you have my ear and my heart and at least a virtual hug.

When I was "normal" (meaning before all this CP stuff started) and I'd get into a state of being overwhelmed, I'd know it was time to at least stop everything for a day or two and take a day trip or do absolutely nothing but some fun stuff for a day, listen to music walk the beach....anything to just relax and NOT think about what I was trying so hard to solve. But that was also back when that kind of a break was relatively pain free, and so it's changed now. Yet as i read your post, and even as I am struggling with walls that I'm very close to hitting, I feel like maybe that's what I need...to learn how to take those breaks even though they won't be pain free. I don't know how to do that yet. But it kind of seems like that's a little of what you need, to?? I know these are important decisions for you, but making them through the eyes of depression and anxiety probably won't lead you in the right direction. How long before you can see your psychologist? And do you anti-depressants need some adjusting?

Is there any way to take a break - which even you say is so much needed - even for a day or two, before you return to the work you've got to re-do. And do you give up on your dreams? NO! Yes, maybe the details, and the means will need to be altered, but you're so overwhelmed right now there's no way you could make those decisions clearly. I urge you to just back burner the big decisions for now, take at least a short break, and chunk down what you absolutely need to do. Are there professors you could talk with in early January who could help you brainstorm options?

Keep the faith, Skeye. Just like the rest of us, the road you see in front of you may not be the same one you end up traveling, but you don't need to stop where you are. There will be other pathways!

Hugs,
PaLady
Posted 12/30/2008 1:12 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks for the reply & suggestions PAlady. I really appreciate your support! I really am completely overwhelmed. I do see my psychologist again on Wed (as long as it doesn't snow), which is good. And you're right that my antidepressants most definitely need adjusting. I'm currently in the midst of tapering off my old one before we try something else. I'm going to try to follow your suggestion & find some time to just take a break. It's just easier said than done.

Skeye
Posted 12/30/2008 2:51 AM (GMT 0)
Skeye..... I'm sorry you are having a tough time. I came to that point a few months ago when I had to decide whether or not I could keep my job. I just kept missing more & more work to the point I decided it was unfair to the people I worked with to CMA all the time. School can be tough on a normal person. Is there an option to take any of the courses online while you try & get some of this pain managed? I am going back to school as well, but I am doing it online. That way I can do things when I feel up to it..... hopefully its something you can have as an option. Does your school counsler know about your condition? Maybe there is a way for you to take some time off or have excused missed days when you need them. Does your illness consider you as handicapped? Just wondering if they can cut you some slack.... You will know if you need to take some time off, just listen to your instincts. Sometimes getting better is THE most important thing you can do. Its a hard choice to make, I know. Especially if you are working on an internship... just weigh your options closely. And talk to your SA/guidence counsler about what options you have. Talk to your drs & see what they can do. Let them know you are struggling with pain & depression. You are not alone in that boat, I struggle with it all the time. And most of us on here have depression issues as well. Glad you are seeing someone about it! We are all here if you need someone to talk to. Let us know how it goes...... ((hugs)) it will all turn out ok, you will know whats the right choice for you.
Posted 12/30/2008 3:23 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks so much for the support & hugs kttn! You're always one of the first ones to offer me support & I really can't thank you enough. It makes me feel so loved to come on here receive warm words from everyone. CP is such a lonely disease. It is so nice to come on here & to know that I'm not alone!

Unfortunately, online courses aren't really an option for me since my pain is in my eye & I am also dealing with major vision issues at the moment, so I think it would actually be harder for me to read the course material online (even though some of it is lecture). My school has been working with me for the last couple of years. They provide me with books on tape when they can, and enlarge books for me, but most of the time it's not practical, because the majority of me books are huge science text books. They also give me extra time on exams because I read so slowly. If I do continue on next semester, I'll go back to speak with the Dean of Students to see if there is anything else they can do. I did go to the conseling center at my school for a while, but I stopped going because I felt that it was worthless. Most of the therapists were in training & didn't really know how to handle me. I found that I was better off just seeing my private psychologist on weekends. For the most part my professors are great. Since it is a small school & my major is small, most of them have known me for a couple years & they have been really understanding & flexible. I missed a final exam at the end of the semester because of being really sick from side effects from oxycontin & my professor let me take it a few days later & made sure that I had adequate time to study once I had recovered. I'm really lucky that I am at the place that I am at. If I was a large school, I'm sure I wouldn't have any of the support & help I have now. As for being considered handicapped, I'm not sure. I've never looked into it.

I'm also blessed to have a great doctor right now. I switched back to my pcp about a month ago & I'm so glad I did, I love him to death. We're trying to get things sorted out, but my body seems to be very stubborn, so it is taking quite a while. But I talk to him every few days. If he doesn't hear within three or four days I get an e-mail from him checking on me. I wish everyone could have a doctor like him, who truly cares. He is such a sweetheart. He gives me a big hug at the end of every appointment :-).

I'm trying my best not to think about all this, getting upset makes everything much much worse.

Skeye
Posted 12/30/2008 4:26 AM (GMT 0)
Oh Skeye, not a problem. I just love to talk, I know how alone I felt in the beginning of things- well until I found this forum. Everyone on here is so supportive. I'm glad you have such a good PCP, mine is the same way. Well, I don't hear from him every few days but he does call me at home to check on me from time to time. They just don't make them that way anymore. I'm glad you have looked into your options at school. I wish I could think of something more to help you- but it seems like you have all your bases covered. Its just ultimatly up to you now as to make the decision. I guess the only thing to say is find out what happens if you need to miss the semester. I would hate to see you quit, I had to in the past & once you do quit its hard to go back once life sets in..... but I think it does sound like you need some time to regroup. Its a shame online isn't an option, its so much easier. Do you think if you increased your meds it would help you deal with the pain? I know oxy can have some side effects, I have a few myself- is it anything you can take something for it? I hope you can come to some type of conclusion to help you deal with your pain & to stay in school..... its so important to finish. Let us know what you decide..... Good luck! I'll keep you in my prayers. -Shannon
✚ New Topic ✚ Reply