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OT marriage falling apart from my chronic pain

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Posted 1/13/2009 1:17 PM (GMT 0)
My marriage is falling apart from my chronic pain . My husband doesnt understand  and told me if I continue to go to the hostipal for a serious condition unrelated to my chronic pain  our marriage will fall apart . I dont know what to do anymore . I just wish my husband would understand.
Posted 1/13/2009 3:42 PM (GMT 0)
Kara....I am so sorry about what you are going through....I wish everyone could just understand that we don't want this pain, but we have it anyway and have to live with it...and they have to learn to live with it too. I wish your husband could walk in your shoes for one day, just one...then he wouldn't be so easy to judge...

Honey, just try to live your life the best u can...he'll either come around or he won't...Nothing you can do to change that..

Me.
Posted 1/13/2009 5:26 PM (GMT 0)
Kara,

 

I am so sorry that your husband is not being supportive, but honey this is very common with us women who are married and have chronic pain. Men in general are not nurturing, they expect us to be 100% whether we are capable of being it or not. If a woman posts on here how supportive the other half is, then she needs to to remind herself every day how lucky she is to have such a man. A man will never admit that a woman is the glue that keeps it all together in their daily lives, but let her get down and all hell breaks loose. The house isn't getting cleaned, the laundry isn't done, not much groceries left in the house, don't forget you need to sit down and get the bills paid, and  oh what are we having for dinner tonite!!!!!

 

I remember very vividly when I first became ill 6 yrs ago due to other health issues and then it had a domino effect on my health, lots of bad things happened in the medical department. Back then I did alot of stupid things and ended up hurting myself in the long run. I tried "sucking things up" as he said I should do. I did nearly 18 months and then had a melt down. Boy, I was stupid, stupid, for even listening to him. Now keep in mind we have been married 21 yrs. Whatever you do, try and stay as focused as you can on helping Kara.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             

 

I wish I could say some magic words thats you could pass onto him that would help him understand where you are. Other than getting him to attend some drs appts and hearing it from the dr or having him come to healing well and reading some of our posts I just don't know. This is a chronic problem with chronic pain, getting our families and spouses to understand. Many hugs coming your way honey. Susie

Posted 1/13/2009 6:20 PM (GMT 0)
Susie,
Without trying to start an argument, I take great offence to the way you portray men. I've been married for 28 years and have been been buying all the groseries, cooking all the meals for our kids and working full time 50+ hours a week while my wife was riding her horses and working part time. I did and continue to do it becauseI love her. Besides having cronic pain, I had two cancer surgeries along with way too many other medical problems. She has never showed the kind of compasion or supportive I would have liked but she stood by me and never once talked about leaving. Friends and family members always tell me she is using me but I love her. She moved to our retirement property 4 hours away last May with her horses, 3 parots & the dog. I miss her terrably and only get to see her about every other week. It will be like this untill the economy changes, I can sell my house here and find a job up there which might be a long wait. I'm not fishing for sympathy, I'm just telling you that we don't all fit your steriotype of men. I will understand if this post gets the axe as it probably will stir the pot. It just pushes my button to hear rhis "man bashing" It doesn't belong here.
Thanks for letting me vent> maybe!
Your friend,
Pete
Posted 1/13/2009 6:24 PM (GMT 0)
Pete,
You are a special guy.
Posted 1/13/2009 10:38 PM (GMT 0)
Kara, honey I am so sorry. You know when I first was diagnosed with this the dr recommended we BOTH sit in on a few sessions of therapy. That it might benefit for him to understand what CP'ers go through physically & mentally. Would that be an option for you? I was lucky, my husband strained his back once & he has an idea of the pain we go through. He has been much more patient since then. I hope everything turns out ok, maybe you could have your PM drs talk on your behalf to him if psychological help isn't available. Tell your PM dr whats happening. Either way- this is marriage, I know its hard- but if you want to keep it, fight for all its worth! Find a way to make him understand!!!! I know its hard enough & dealing with this only makes things even worse. But don't give up! You can do this, and we are all behind you. Good luck, hope this helps some! If there is anything I/we can do please let me/us know......
t
Posted 1/13/2009 11:53 PM (GMT 0)
Kara,
I really second the suggestion about having some sessions
with your husband and a therapist who is knowledgeable
about pain and chronic illness and what it does to a relationship.
I know he may be reluctant to go, but possibly your
doctor could help explain the need for that.

And I don't want to get in the middle of anything either,
but I think many men are changing from the older
stereotypes - and Pete's an example. I think chronic
pain and chronic illness is hard on all marriages,
friendships and close relationships. I think I'll stop
there.

Oh - technical problems again on this thread.
I don't know. Got me scratching my head as to
why this happens but I guess it's not just my
computer!

PaLady
Posted 1/14/2009 12:04 AM (GMT 0)
No ma'am, I was wondering if it was just my pc.... thanks so I will type in smaller chunks on this one.
Posted 1/14/2009 12:39 AM (GMT 0)
Kara,

I would like to appologise to you for highjacking your thread to plead my own personal agenda. It was wrong of me to do it here on your dime. It will not happen again. I'm so sorry my little sister for all you are going through, it must be hell. I truely hope the best for you. Others

here have given you really good advice so I will not as only you know what is really going on in your home. I do know that this awful burdon we are cursed with can take it's toll on a marrage, it is very hard on him to. It is so hard for others and yes, especially men who are raised

in this society to always be strong and never show any weakness. I do think it was much easier for me to see the stupidity of it all as I was always the biggest toughest guy around. (I met my wife when she was a bar tender and I was a bouncer over 30 years ago.) 

I didn't have to prove it to anyone. I am paying dearly for my big tough youth as I broke just about every bone you can. Liquid courage, fast motorcycles & cars and stupid macho feets of stupidity found me in the hospital for most of my 20's. Yes, I learned the hard way.

So please do whatever you can to save your marrage. He married you for better or for worse (CP!!!) and I'm sure he still loves you. Keep the faith my little sister!

Your friend,

Pete   

Posted 1/14/2009 3:14 AM (GMT 0)
Kara,

I'm so sorry to hear that your husband is having trouble understand & sympathizing with your
situation & that is causing marital problems. I agree with the others who have mentioned
it that some sort of counseling would be a good idea. I wish I had more to say,
but I really have no experience with relationships. I hope you can make things
work out!! This definitely isn't what you need right now. Hope the appointment
with your PM went well today, too.

Skeye

Oh, one other thing: does your husband go to your appointments with you?
Maybe it would help if you had one of your doctors talk to
him & explain your situation?
Posted 1/14/2009 4:25 AM (GMT 0)
Pete you are a rare one indeed. Susie

What happened to our posts long again???
Posted 1/19/2009 7:34 PM (GMT 0)
Hi kara. i'm not an expert on relationships and it is hard to deal with pain 27/7. I do know how it can have  massive impact on you're emotional health and relationships with others  You are grieving. Grieving for the person you used to be. Do you remember her? Happy and sunny and confident? Your husband remembers that girl too. He too is grieving. Grieving for the girl he married. I'm no expert but maybe this is something that should be addressed between the two of you, not necessarily with a therapist , but at least acknowledge it between the two of you.
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