More stress!

Well gang I made it to Thermopolis and am sitting here in the motel resting my back waiting for my sister to make it in thinking about my dad and remembering all the good things I can recall about his life. Today I turned 45 years old but I really don't feel much like celebrating the day and feel more like keeping to the task at hand and that is saying goodbye to my daddy tomorrow. Hubby headed for Powell early this morning wanting to spend the day with a few friends. I can't blame him for not wanting to deal with my family right now...they are already fighting and being totally paranoid about things. My big brother doesn't want anyone out at dad's or his old place where his ex wife lives which leaves me wondering what he is hiding from us two girls. The will states that he gets everything and of course this poses a problem as dad had three children not one. So now us two girls feel as though we have been deserted by our own father. To top that off I had a horrible fight with my sister last night. She feels that she has been singled out as the lone sheep and that we are treating her like a baby instead of an adult. So she is taking it out on me.

With the fight last night and all the things I have heard today about my dad I have decided that I am going to go into my silent ways once more and quietly go about the rest of the day. Tomorrow I will go say goodbye to my dad and then back to the motel to get what little sleep I can before hubby and I head for home. Home....sounds sooooo wonderful right now. My refuge from the bull that goes on. My house where I am in control of everything....my castle. I can't wait to be there. I close my eyes....yes there it is......I can see the front porch where I will hang my flowering baskets this summer......I can feel the comfy blankets of my bed wrapping around me safely in my cocoon...I can smell the scent of home cooking that hubby has prepared just for the two of us.....I can feel the warmth of the hot water as I sink into my deep tub and wash away the cares of the day. HOME!

Silly that something so far away fills me with such hope. The stress of this funeral is beginning to get to me bad. *Deep breath* Nap time!

Scarred

Scarred,
Sometimes I don't think there's anything like a death in the family to bring out the worst in everyone. At least it brings out all the old emotions and unfinished business in a climate that's full of pain and grief and lots of other things.

I'm so glad you can envision your new home - and that's really become "home" to you very quickly! That is wonderful. Since I've been through the deaths of both of my parents the one thing I would say is do what YOU need to do to say your good-bye to your father, and try (I know it's hard, but you're doing a great job) to back away from the rest. It does sound painful that everything is going to your brother. Is there any small momento of your father you might want, that you might be able to gently ask your brother for? Maybe this isn't a good idea right now, but it's just a thought. You know some of the things I have from my father? A couple of his old shirts that I still on occasion wear around the house and he died in 1982! I also have a pocketful of change I found in a pair of pants. They are silly things to some, but I still hang onto them. Sometimes items like that can have meaning, but not a lot of monetary worth so they don't get anybody's ire up. When my uncle died, who was like a second father to me, I also asked his wife for an old shirt. Still have them. So maybe there's somethng like that? If not, continue doing what you're doing ....remembering you have a home to go back to, and a new adventure in front of you.

(((((((((Scarred)))))))))

PaLady

Hang in there Girl! From the beutiful poetry that you just resited about your home it sound to me like you can use self hypnosis to crawl into your mind and go anywhere you want although it sounds like home sweet home is where you'll be going. You are lucky that you love you're home that much! I envy that as I hate my home, my kids are gone, my wife is gone and my home sweet home and the wondrful memories of the past has turned into a lonely prison now. Sorry, there I go w/ that "it's all about Pete mode again" Scratch that. We are thinking about you and know you will sail through the funeral and be back to home sweet home before you know it!
Big Florida Orange Juice Hugs!
Pete

Think about your dad and all the special times you shared in the past......the silly times etc. Not them. This is his time. No one should deprive him of that.........like wise it is your time.....you will never have this day and tomorrow again.

Prayers, Andrea

Scarred,(((((hugs)) I am sorry for what your going through. You have my deepest of sympathies. Just know I am thinking of you and praying for you. I hope your pain decreases and you have a low pain day.

Scarred,
What a difficult time for you. You are in my thoughts.
My sister-in-law caused her dad to change his will so that all went to her. It was
such a blow to my husband.
Sister-in-law wanted her brother (my husband) to take an active part in Dad's death.
We are a long way from them and I can't travel because of Chronic Pain.
Sister-in-law would call frequently and make my husband feel guilty. This was at
a time when I had made no adjustment to the pain that is now mine. He wouldn't
leave me. In some ways it wasn't even safe. She knew my pain was real but
went on and on about how it was in my head. Terrible situation.
My husband took the blow as well as anybody could. His dad wrote letters all the
time telling us how much he loved us. He said, "Someone is taking my money."
We knew and he knew what was happening but our hands were tied. His writing
was like that of a third grader. He was well taken care of in a convalescent home.
Time has helped us. I hope it does the same for you in your wonderful home.
Pamela
Chronic Pain effects everything.

Aw Scarred, yes slip back to your castle sweety, that is home, that is the safe place. You already know my story from another post when I lost my Dad. Say your goodbye's to your Dad, and remember the fun things you had with him. I try very hard to do that too, although I still see the tormented look on his face in the middle of the fatal heart attack. That look haunts me alot, but I am learning slowly to get that one out of my mind. PA was right I still have his suitcase from the hospital packed with his clothes and three dollars in a shirt pocket,lol. An old shirt is very comforting. I sometimes sleep in a pair of my Mom's pj's when I am really in bad shape, it comforts me. Her clothes still hang in the closet and her purse hangs on the back of the door, I just dust it off. I still have all of her things in the bathroom nder the counter just as she left them. I do not have the heart to let go of these things. Let go of the negative things that are going on there, they will not serve you any purpose other than giving you hurt.

 

I am very ashamed of your brother, but trust me what goes around comes around, he will find out soon enough. He may have got everything alright, but he does not have your memories. Have you actually seen a copy of the will? As for your sister she needs to just buck up, this is not about her and its not the time or the place.

 

My Dad had a simple will and had basically nothing. There was nothing to fight over but one sister seem to think there was.What I did w/my brother's approval was "if you bought something for Dad and wanted it back, by all means take it, if there a little momento of some you want, take it," otherwise everything was sold in a garage sale to put toward the funeral bill that my brother and I were responsible for. Yes, we had 3 other sisters but we knew they would not pay a dime towards the expense. Little did I know or my brother, our Dad worked at WalMart, not only did they have a small insurance policy on him that paid the funeral expenses, but my Dad actually took out a separate policy. And all the time we just knew there was no insurance because every time someone advertised life insurance, he would always say I need to get some of that. So, you can imagine the shock when we discovered insurance. You can imagine the shock when it was me named the beneficiary on the policies too-why my Dad knew I would do the right thing. He was not sure about the others.

 

You have alot of shoulders here to lean on and lots of helping hands girlfriend, we are here for you. Hugs, Susie

 

 

Hi guys and gals! Made it safely back to my castle and as the walls envelop me back into these familiar surroundings I am reminded that nothing and no one could take away the sadness and emotions of yesterday as I said my final goodbye to my daddy. He meant more to me then just a few trinkets or whatever it is my brother seems to be hiding behind the walls of dad's home. With that said I made a list on Thursday morning writing down everything I could think of that I thought I would want from dad's house. An afghan that I crocheted for him one Christmas. A selection of pictures of us kids when we were little along with many of my dad and granddad, mom, aunts, uncles and other various photos that were left in dad's care after he and my mom divorced 20 odd some years ago. I also wrote down that if he came across anything that he thought I would like that was not on the list but that maybe would help me to remember dad then by all means send it my way. This list I gave to my brother and told him no big hurry on them that I did not want to rush him into doing this too soon before he was ready.

The will. I have not seen it nor do I really care to. I know this may sound cold but I do have my reasons for this statement. One my brother has promised that my sister and I will be taken care of and that even though dad supposedly left everything to him that he would make sure that we were treated fairly in the end. So the ball is in his court and we will wait and see if he actually follows through with his plans. If not......then I know where I stand with my so called older brother and he'll play hell ever getting anything from me or my husband ever again if he is in need or should a sudden windfall spring upon us to where we are in a position to throw a huge amount of money his way as well. My thoughts are what comes around goes around and that it will bite him in the butt someday very hard.

My sister....she is always after one this.....what fiddle can she play to focus the attention off of me or anyone else in this family that is in pain and make it all about her. She too will get what is coming to her as well one day and when that day comes I truly hope that I can stand there smirking at both of them. ummmm getting pretty tired as my meds are kicking in so I will write more later if I wake up at my usual time.

hugssss

Scarred

Scarred,
I want to echo Susie's thoughts. You've been through a lot in the past few months with the struggle over moving, your husband's job, and now your father's death. I am so glad your new home is a haven for you, and that you're back there. Hopefully our harsh winter days will start to dwindle until the flowers pop up.

In the meantime, I hope you can get some rest and peace.

Hugs,

PaLady

Hey Gal,

 

I sure hope you have better luck than I did when it came to the laptop.lol. Jeez, talk someone that went from knowing a little about her desktop to the laptop being totally greek thats me. I bought it thinking I would really use but then I also thought it will be great as a backup to the desktop. It has the Vista programs, totally greek to me too. Hubby has taken it over and thats fine. I cannot even type on the crazy thing. I did type every day at work,lol. My 3 yr old grandson loves a laptop and he uses his Dad's, so when he is here he gets on it. lol

 

Now, I know since the move and you having to deal with comp on finding drs willing to take out of state comp. I am sure that has been a job in itself. How has that turned out for you?

 

Take it easy on the unpacking kid, can't have you all bummed up from doing too much. Is it me or what? I know when I have moved into different homes and started unpacking and setting some of my stuff out, it took on a whole new look in a different place.lol  Even now, do to where my husband has to have the tv, I am limited in re-arranging the furniture in the living room, plus its an open look concept and I have a fireplace that takes up one long wall. What I do is take and move around my pictures & knick knacks just to give a little change in the room or I may swap out an end table by putting it a the opposite end of the love seat or sofa. Really not much I can w/the room furniture wise.

 

Yes, its very wise of you to just let this time be a cool off period when it comes to your brother. He may or may not come aroud who knows. Either way, at some time in his life he will have to answer to some one for whatever decisions he makes over the will business and everything involved with it.

 

Sleep what is that,lol. My sleeping pattern is so rotten. I don't sleep thats the problem. When I do its sitting in this chair at the computer. Now that I actually have some decent pain pills I am thinking this sleep business may get turned around, I hope. It takes alot of stamina to deal with my 3 yr old grandson.lol. Granny has a time keeping up with the little man for sure.

 

Take care kid and know we are here for you anytime. Hugs, Susie

Scarred, I cannot find any better words to say than what has already been posted. I admire your poise and grace even in the face of your personal crisis. You are in my thoughts...

Honey, you are so right about us all being an extended family. Its amazing how we can bond friendships with people we have never met. These very same people can be our best support system needed. I think the big part of it is the understanding that many of us need so desparately, being able to connect with someone thats in the same shoes that we are in, CP can be a very cruel thing. If someone tells me they are in pain, I understand what they are saying. But, if I did not have CP I would not understand in the sense they are speaking. I only wish we had better educated drs to help us. Ones that do not think if we need pain meds for more than 10 days that we are drug seekers, or selling it, or the all time there is nothing wrong with you to make you hurt, its in your head., you know we need a break.

Back when I joined how ever many years ago I was a mess trying to handle crohns disease and learn about it. No one I knew had a clue about it-so I had no one to talk to you. Lets face it, people don't want to hear or talk about bloody diarhea, gas, bloating, constipation, severe pin, fistulas and things of that nature.lol. It can and is a gross disease to say the least,lol. It took me awhile to admit to my own dr I had no bowel control, was pooping my brains out and spent the better my of my days in the shower or on the throne.lol. I felt like my life had gone right down the chitter,lol. I got the very best education of crohns from Healing Well.

Sorry got way off track here,lol. Well, I am glad you are back home and safe. You have contributed a great deal to this forum, so its good tht sometimes we are able to give back....Hugs, Susie

So true to both of your responses PA and Susie. Before the internet when I was little there was little a person could do about problems concerning pain management. And if you had more serious problems (mentally) you were really shunned from the family. I had a cousin that no one spoke of many years ago. Of course I did not meet her until I was in my early 20s and I had mo clue who she was let alone that she was related to me. But she was a bit off and it was quite obvious when she began to play with my 14 month old (youngest son was this age at the time) son's toys in the middle of our living room and forgot all about visiting with us. Talk about blow my mind! Then there was my aunt who lost her oldest to the state when the neighbors complained that she was a bad parent because she could not hear his cries. My aunt has and as always had problems with her hearing in one ear and upon testing after the child was taken away they discovered that she was deaf in that ear and that her ear drum was deformed. She did not get her son back and my cousin was not spoken of in the family for some time. I only found out about him through my mom who told me of him after I had gotten much older. I've had cousins that have had bad arthritis, scoliosis, crippling osteoporosis and other things that they have lived with for years before receiving treatment for it in the end many many years later when technology finally caught up.

As much as we are in such a great age for all of these great breakthroughs of medical technology why is it that Chronic Pain sufferers still get the worst treatment of them all?

Hugssss hope all of you sleep well tonight.

Scarred.