I just need some kind words

I don't post here much. I do read the posts all the time but I usually dont' know what to suggest so I just keep quiet I have grown very fond of everyone on here and I always look forward to seeing how everyone is doing. I don't usually ask for help because I know everyone else has as many, or more, things going on than I do and you all have your own problems. But I am really at a loss lately and I really dont' know what to do. I know what I want to do but I won't do that to my family, although it would probably make things much easier on them in the long run if I did.

I have most of what is wrong with me listed in my sig but there has been new things crop up lately. I am still fighting with disability. From what I understand I am approved but I still haven't received the actual paperwork stating that so I still don't have any insurance. I haven't been to see my ortho since January 2008. He is over 180 miles away from me and with gas prices and the economy I just haven't been able to get to see him. Without having insurance I can't get an ortho closer to me to accept me as a patient. I live in a small southern town that is inhabited by pill heads to the point that there is only one doctor in the county that will prescribe pain meds and even then he will only prescribe 2 pills a day which is no where near enough to get my pain even remotely under control so I lay here day in and day out hurting more and more with no relief in sight. I can't fool myself anymore with the old tricks, telling myself that there will be an end to the pain soon. I know I'm lying to myself.

Ever since August 2007 I have been having trouble with my heart. I have no idea what is going on and neither does the doctor that I pay $75 a visit. My BP is high and my heart rate is never below 110. I have chest pain and an irregular heart beat quite frequently. I am on a beta blocker, in fact, this is the third one and none of them seem to be able to get things under control. Until I get insurance I can't see a cardiologist.

The plate on my tibia has come loose. The screws backed out of it again and it is actually moving around and doing more and more damage but until I get cleared by a cardiologist my ortho won't fix it, which I understand. But in the meantime I am back in a fracture boot which keeps the plate from moving as much but the weight of it causes increased pain in my hip and knee.

My left hip, which is the good one has become the bad one. I dont' know what's exactly wrong with it but it hurts worse than the bad right hip and and has decreased range of motion in it that pretty much makes mobility a no go.

To top all of this off my doctor thinks there is a chance that I might have MS. I have the optic neuritis and other symptoms, but once again, without insurance, I can't see a neurologist to confirm or hopefully disprove this.

I am at my wits end. I sit here just about every night after my family has all either gone to bed or left for work and I seriously consider taking the coward's way out. I am so tired of hurting and being scared about everything. I just don't know what to do anymore.

PAlady, thanks for those words. I won't lie, I do think about it very often but I would never do it. I saw and felt how my kids were affected when my mother was killed and after seeing that grief I would never do that to them. It's just one of those pain free fantasies I have.

According to my attorney, the disability office said that my case had been sent to quality review. SHe said that means that I have been approved. If they had said it was sent to district review that would mean I was turned down. It is a waiting game. I really think they hold out just to see if you will go ahead and die so they don't have to pay you. I have been disabled for over 4.5 years now so I know I will eventually get the medicare along with the state insurance where I live. I just hope I can hold out that long. The whole heart thing is what is scaring the hell out of me. I know I won't ever be pain free again and I can deal with that. It's the days like today, after going to lunch with my hubby yesterday, it takes another whole day to get over it. I just get so tired of it. I know you all do too and I appreciate the time you all take in reading this.

Thanks for those great words fatherjohn!

I;m not any different than the rest of you. Sleep does not come easy at all. If not for my Elavil I wouldn't get any sleep. And yeah, pain and no sleep do effect your heart. What worries me and my PCP is the irregular heartbeat that is showing up on the EKG's. I just need to hold out long enough to get that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, SSI, lol

My family is awesome. I have no complaints about them at all. My husband was in the accident also and while his injuries weren't as severe they were bad enough. He just had a total knee in September and is doing remarkably well. I am so jealous of him,lol I have 3 kids, 24, 21 and 20. They have no problems helping out in whatever way that they can. In fact, the oldest had already moved out and was on his own but moved back home to help take care of me after the accident. Now he says he is never leaving,lol

You guys really helped me tonite. Thank you so much for that!

I know that. And I feel bad that I don't post here more. I just usually don't know what to say. I read how much more other people are going thru than I am and I feel like a great big baby for whining. I just can't find the right words to express how I feel for the other person. Everything I could say just seems inadequate.

I can honestly say that right now I feel emotionally better than I have in months. Maybe I just needed to get all of this out of me for a change instead of just holding it in so I don't put my family in any more stress than I already do. Again, Thank you both!

Hi Still; I do know how you feel because sometimes I feel it too. But I have gotten to the point where I wanna fight and I can feel it in your posts that you do too. I want to tell you that you are not alone! Feel free to IM me or email me anytime if your feeling down. I am always online and usually trying to distract myself with little things, so don't be shy or feel your interrupting me cause your not

I want to also give you a huge hug ((((((((((((((((((((((((Still))))))))))))))))))))))))))) just for being you and realizing that you are strong and you can fight.

Hugs

Scarred

stillrecovering
When you feel like hiding and don't want to bother anyone, come here and post, we are all here to listen and support you! Like PALady said don't worry about having the right words, you will find the folks here are warm and compassionate, and understanding, there are some very good people here and I can't stress that enough! Anyway you are right it isn't good to hold things in, it can often just make things worse especially your CP. Do you have a counselor or clergy or someone you can talk with? If not that might be something worth trying to check into.
I wish you the Best

White Beard

My prayers go out to you!!!!!

If I had the powers to take everyones pain and stress away I would. I was raised with the views that everything will work its way out.  I don't know if I beleive it but its refreshing to think it

Laurie

Still; you are welcome! I only wish that I could do more. Unfortunately I too am camped out (literally) on my couch as well! That's where I sleep (haven't slept in my bed in months), eat and stay most of the day. With the exception of those rare days when I get in the mood to paint, sketch or write then I'm overjoyed to get out on the porch or deck and enjoy the fresh air. I believe I am becoming a recluse, kinda like that spider that hides in dark places LOL. I get tired of griping about my pain to my husband but he tells me that he knows when it is bad and I'm sure he does.

Anyway....hugs to you!

Scarred

stillrecovering

I have an adjustable bed got it two years ago, I had slept in a recliner in the living  room for over ten years, I can' lay flat, and I sleep in a Fowlers position,( Kind of a sitting reclining position) anyway the adjustable bed is fantastic, you want to change positions a little you just pess a button on the wireless remote and you can raise or lower the head or the foot of the bed! It is really nice! We got two of them (two single adjustable beds) they fit in a extra long king sleigh bed frame. Now I got both since the wife moved up stairs and the devorce is pending!

I am sorry about the way you have been treated by your church, I know some of them are like that, it just doesn't seem right to me, I will leave it at that.

It is easy to become isolated and hermit like when you have CP issues, I have done that also, but I am finding out the hard way that, that is not necessarily the best thing to do. Anyway I hope thing get better for you.

White Beard

White Beard, Sorry to hear about the divorce. I wish you the best in that. Yeah, that church is just not the right one for us. We'll find another one soon enough. Enough whining about that,lol We are looking into getting the two beds also. My husband has back issues also. I can't lay flat either and it takes 6 pillows between my back, hip and leg to get me even the slightest bit comfortable. Our bedroom isn't big enough for them so we have to wait until we get moved.

Skye, thanks for those awesome words. I won't lie to anyone, I think about the easy way out all the time but I am to much of a chicken to do it and I would never do anything to bring that kind of hurt on my hubby and kids. I know it would just devastate my oldest son. The first thing he always tells a new girlfriend is that he is a momma's boy and they will just have to deal with it,lol

Yeah, they found the optic nerve stuff when I had my last eye exam which was in January. I had had a significant vision change since August so I went in for a check up and he found that. I am not sure what the other optical symptoms are, I'm afraid if I read to much about it I will give it to myself,lol I have developed the speech problem though and that has my doctor really concerned about it. A visit to a Neuro will have to wait just like all the others. I swear once I get insurance I will spend the next two months just going to doctors,lol

I want everyone to know that I won't do anything to hurt myself. I do think it would be easier on me but I know it would be harder on my family and besides that I wasn't raised to be a quitter so the world is just stuck with me,lol I do appreciate all the concern more than you all will ever know!

I really appreciate that fatherjohn. And you dont have to ask for my forgiveness on their behalf. I have already done that. I found out the hard way that holding a grudge only hurts me more so I learned a long time ago to just let things go. I know that there is a reason for everything that I, and others, have gone through. We may never know what that reason is but it is there all the same. Thank you so very much for your wonderful words!