To hell with the guilt!

 

I have been eaten up by the guilt for so long. Guilt for not being the same anymore. Guilt about not working (believe me fellows I tried and I am a though cookie), Guilt about not being up to the task with my kids, Guilt about not smiling enough and be as cheerful as before. Guilt about not giving my partner enough sex (sorry but a spade is a spade ...and I'm french lol). Guilt about not doing enough in the house when my partner comes back from work. Guilt anout saying no to my mom who asked me WHY I can't help you installing your A/C on your windowsill. For the 100 times mom, my back hurts. It has been years now! Where have you been? It still hasn't sunk in. Or do you think I'm fakin't it?

Guilt, Guilt, Guilt, Guilt...

It undermines me and I am getting fed-up of it. Let's rewind a little. Oh! Guess what? I am the victim here. I am the one sleeping 3-4 hours a night, if any sometimes. I am the one undergoing pain 24 hrs a day. I am the one dealing with the side-effect of these blamin' meds.

You feel frustration because after 5 mins of listening to you, my mind seems to have drifted away? well sorry! This is as long as I can give you my divided attention. It goes bak to my pain. I know I know, everything is about my pain. Your life revolves around it and I am AGAIN sorry! But if it is hard for you guys to live around me (us) can you stop a minute and imagine what it'd be like to live like we do. Now I would like to see you my beloved ones at my place. See how you smile, be an animal in bed, listen attentively without squinting, and get on your for four to play with the kids.

Ahhhh.

This feels good (to vent) but still, it does not make me shed all the guilt I feel for not being able to live up to everybody's expectation. It is so undermining. Does anyone fell the same?

And if so, how do you guys deal with it.

Thanks for listening.

Frenchdude

I agree with Tony on this one...you are not living to impress others. Sure we all feel some responsibilities to those we love but life is what it is. If our bodies don't work like we want they have no right to beat you down. And you have no need to feel guilty....but I do too, OK? It's very hard to push those feeling out of your head and it will take some time. I have no idea what will work for you but it is possible to do.

A couple of ideas... write a letter to your friends and family and then deliver them...mail them even if they live next door. They will see you are serious. Tell them, in writing, what you pain is about and what some of your limitations are. Assure them of your love but ask them to respect that you are not the person you once were nor want to be. Ask that they accept you the way you are.

Another idea is to ask your doc for a referral to a pain psychologist. Yep, there are such things. They can help us with just these issues...guilt, depression and even have suggestions that might ease some of the pain. I've talked to many folks who have gone this route with wonderful results.

Isn't is amazing just how people react to someone in pain vs. someone who visually has limitations. If we had a missing limb or paralyzed no one would ever consider what you are experiencing, Frenchdude. But Pain is a 'hidden disease' and hence we are left wondering about our own sanity. This leads me to another idea....get a wheelchair! To save money go to a thrift store, like the Good Will. The very often have them, just ask. Also your insurance company might be willing to get you a 'scooter'. This will not only add to your comfort but it might get the point across to the family that you DO have problems. And plus...think of all the rides and races you can have with those kids down the hall...lol I'm serious tho...

Keep in touch and let us know how you're doin...K?

Chutzie

Frenchdude,
I'm not sure if I've ever welcomed you but if I haven't, consider this a belated hello!

I think you did hit one of the nails on the head that many of us struggle with. I'm glad you gave it such clarity. No, it's not rational, but yes, it's there. I think venting and getting it out of our system is part of the strategy to release all that's pent up inside. So thanks for posting!

PaLady