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Posted 9/3/2009 4:05 AM (GMT 0)
Hi everyone,

I'm really stressing myself out here. My depression, which seemed to have improved some the last couple weeks, is coming back full force. Next week I start back in school & I'm really concerned. I've been dealing with CP & school for the last 5 semesters, but although I've forced my way through it, each semester has gotten harder and harder. If I didn't only have this one year left, I'd definitely take time off right now. My reasoning is kind of silly, but I just want to get this over with! I'll worry about taking one or more gap years once I get my degree. But I'm afraid (as I always am at the start of a new semester) that I'm not going to be able to get through this. It's taken every ounce of strength & energy to get this far, and I'm exhausted. I'm hoping that this year will be easier, but it may well be harder, especially since I will be working on a thesis. I know that having to take time off wouldn't be the end of the world, but it just seems like such a failure to me - that's just my nature. I hate how CP invades every aspect of my life! How do you bring yourself to realize that this is how it's going to be?

Skeye
Posted 9/3/2009 4:23 AM (GMT 0)
Skeye, Greetings my treasured friend. As you start this new semester, try not to start it by thinking of the end. Many times the stress is the greatest before we start something we know is going to be challenging. There is nothing easy about completing your degree. You have proven many times that you have what it takes and that you are more than capable. Adding to the pressure of the schooling you have our wonderful friend CP and all its connected effects. I also know you are dealing with the dissapointment of not having answers. It is hard to keep going when we are not sure there is somthing at the end to reach. I just want to encourage you to keep a level of hope because we never know when there could be an intervention that will give us relief. I am probably not in the best place right now to give much encouragement but I will keep you in my prayers and check in to see how you are doing. Blessings
Posted 9/3/2009 5:33 AM (GMT 0)
Skeye, I know exactly what you are going through. I have been working towards my degree since the 2004/2005 term and at times it has been one of the hardest things I have ever done. I have gone from President's List one term to complete failure on my next (hence why I STILL haven't graduated), and have done this twice. It hasn't all been because of my CP - my father's illness and passing took alot out of me (actually completely devastated me), but the CP has definitely played a part. I had to make the very difficult decision to take this Fall term off and concentrate on healing - both physically and emotionally. I have usually just fought my way through the pain and completed the term, but it takes its toll. When my dad died, it knocked the wind out of me. He wanted this so bad for me and I prayed so many times to just let him live long enough to see me graduate (I had disappointed my Dad for most of my life), and I was SO angry, resentful, and hurt when that didn't happen. I started thinking, what's the use. He's gone, he won't be in the stands when I walk for my graduation, so what's the point? I struggled my whole life trying to make my Dad proud and I always seemed to fall short. I mean, I am doing this (college) for myself and my family, but my Dad was the guiding force behind my decision to go for it. And I sooo miss his words of praise when I wrote a good paper or aced an exam. Those words from him were so rare for most of my life and they meant so much to me to hear them. Man I miss him. He was definitely my hero.

 

Oh Skeye, I didn't mean to hijack your thread with my ramblings - I'm sorry. I know what you mean about feeling like a failure if you take some time off - I'm the same way. But sometimes you just have to step back and say "Enough, I just need a little break to regroup and I'll go back stronger than ever!" Best of luck to you, whatever you decide. I'll be pulling for you! :-)

Post Edited (Splashdancer) : 9/2/2009 11:39:06 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 9/3/2009 7:03 AM (GMT 0)
Skeye,
I'm not sure what to say right now. Fatherjohn and Splash both have some words of wisdom. It's never easy for any of us to accept how it's going to be, but then again do any of us really know what the future holds? All we can do is take one day at a time. Try looking at it in those terms, and know that you'll give it all you can, and if you have to take a break before you get the degree, so be it. I still believe there will be something medically that comes along to help you, but I don't know when that will happen.

Try not to think about the thesis. That actually may be an easier thing to stretch out. I know tons of people who have stretched out their doctorate for years and years! They even have letters to put after their name in lieu of Ph.D. - it's called ABD (All But Done!). You may have already seen it after names around the academic world. I've known some people that never went back! Stayed ABD forever! Now I know it's not quite the same, but you may be able to work out something where if you don't get the thesis finished you could take longer to work on that.

One day at a time. One step at a time. I can't make it through life any other way these days.

Hugs,

PaLady
Posted 9/3/2009 12:31 PM (GMT 0)

Skeye,

Listen to the words of your wise friends!  You are so special to all of us and we do understand how you are feeling.  The saddest moment is realizing your circumstances but like PA says One Day at a Time, One Step at a Time.  Try not to think about it too much, just put one foot in front of the other and move forward!  I believe your determination will provide the strength and courage you need to do what you need to do!

We love you Skeye, go get em' girlie!!!

(((((((((((((((((((((((((Skeye))))))))))))))))))))))))

XXOO
Patti

Posted 9/3/2009 1:22 PM (GMT 0)

skeye said...
! How do you bring yourself to realize that this is how it's going to be?
Skeye

I think this has been sinking in with me lately.... ever since I saw the surgeon telling me I had a really "crummy neck" he explained it would only be getting worse with age... that's a bummer to hear!

How old are you Skeye? If you don't mind me asking.... I think you should finish school... its' something I never wanted to do but looking back now I'm glad I did.

What degree are you going for?
Posted 9/3/2009 6:47 PM (GMT 0)
Skeye,
we'll all be there for you, rooting for you..you can and will get this goal of yours..
well wishes coming your ways...
hugz
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Skeye))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Posted 9/3/2009 10:05 PM (GMT 0)
Awe, Skeye I do hate to see you stressing so. That seems to be a way of life for you lately doesn't it. I wish I had the right answers for you but I don't. But, I do want you to know that whatever you decide to do you know you have this forum behind you 500%. Hugs.
Posted 9/3/2009 11:25 PM (GMT 0)
Hi everyone,

I can't thank you all enough for your wonderful support & advice. Susie is right, stressing out has been a way of life for me lately! The only way I can get things done is taking things one day at a time, one hour at a time. But I still can't help thinking & worrying about the future & things that I cannot change. I'm just naturally very uptight & very determined -- a bad combination when it comes to stress! I wish so much that I could just let go. It's something that I'm working on & have gotten better at recently, but my stress just seems to be reaching a climax at the moment & I can't overcome it. I've been in a bit of a funk today because in addition to all this, my pcp & ophthalmologist had a little powwow this morning about where to go from here. We're banking on this neurosurgeon & the stimulator, but if he doesn't come through, then we get into the realm of permanently damaging my eye/giving up my sight & function in search of relief. The thought of that is just really upsetting, but I need not to think about it. I'm putting this morning's conversation out of my mind.

I think all of your words of wisdom have helped me get my head screwed on again. I can only do what I can do. I do have some new software this semester that will allow me to transfer all of my text books to the computer, enlarge the text, and have the computer read the books back to me (or create audiobook files that can be burned to CD). I think that this will help with the reading. It better, it was expensive enough (Tried to convince the school to buy it last semester, but they wouldn't go for it. They have not been very helpful at all.), but this is something I plan to use for years to come.

Thanks to all!

Skeye

Oh, Draka - I'm 21 & will graduate with a BS in Biology. As long as my eye allows me, I plan on attending veterinary school after taking a year or two off.
Posted 9/4/2009 2:51 AM (GMT 0)
Skeye,
Just wanted to send you some hugs to tuck you in tonight.

((((((((((Skeye)))))))))))

Don't sleep with any snakes! :-)

I visited the Humane Society today and all the kitties were in the cat lounge (they switched around and put some of the older cats out in the front lobby). It was a hoot going in there with all the little ones coming around waiting for treats! And there were two orange ones, one with long, soft fur that felt like angel wings. I held him and what a purr!!!! Then was I was out in the lobby getting ready to leave someone brought in a cat they found in a crate (an open plastic crate, but with a top on it so the cat could not escape) they found in a park. It had bedding in the crate so either someone forgot it or left it intentionally. The staff scooted it off to the back room to start checking it out, but she looked to be about a year or two old, was grey and white, and was just shaking as she sat nearly motionless in the crate. Now why am I talking about this.....??????

More hugs,

PaLady :-)
Posted 9/4/2009 3:33 AM (GMT 0)
Aww, I'm glad you got to play with your kitties, Palady! It's so sad when someone abandons an animal. But fortunately there are people like you who are eager & waiting to show them some love & compassion! I'm sure you made their day!

Skeye
Posted 9/4/2009 3:54 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Skeye, From the lecturer side of things, I have two CP students because of their state of health they get extended time for assignments/ exams. We work around flares or "off weeks" Have you talked to your senior lecturer at all? Theres usually all sorts of things that can be set in motion to help you. We have a disabilities unit that we can call on if some one needs notes taken or to record lectures, we have councellors that can help when things get too much. Have you approached any officialdom about yourcondition? Worth asking a few questions, at my university its all part of the course fees. Good luck with it all, golitho
Posted 9/4/2009 2:44 PM (GMT 0)
Hi golitho,

Yes, I've been working with the school for the last several years, but they are no big help. I do get extra time on my exams, and I make sure to talk with all my professors at the beginning of the semester & they are very good at giving me extensions on assignments if I need them. The school will supposedly have my text books enlarged for me, but they refuse to do the big science texts (about 99% of the books I have each semester). And the one time I had them enlarge several small books for an English class, they complained to no end, and didn't get the books back to me until 3/4 of the semester had passed (despite having given them the books well over a month before classes started). I had to borrow or buy new copies of all the books. The school will also get me my books on tape, but again, none of the textbooks are on tape & 90% of the time, they can't get my non-textbooks on tape either (yet I have been able to find & purchase some online that they were unable to find...). And when they do get them, again I don't usually get them until well over half-way through the semester, at which time I've usually had to read the book already (again, all the information was given to the school at least a month, if not two, before the start of the semester)! I've talked with them about this many times & presented them with some of my own ideas and research, but they are just not willing to do anything else. So I've given up trying to get the school to help me & have purchased technology and other aids on my own. You'd think they'd be more forthcoming. I go to a very good school & certainly pay enough money to attend!

Skeye
Posted 9/4/2009 9:10 PM (GMT 0)
Skeye,
The school has some legal responsibilities via the ADA, and because unless they are 100% private, receive federal funds. Wonder what you might learn from a phone call or visit to a Civil Rights attorney who specializes in educational institutions? Hmm.....

PaLady
Posted 9/4/2009 9:34 PM (GMT 0)
I'm at a 100% private institute.

Skeye
Posted 9/5/2009 1:44 AM (GMT 0)
skeye

You might be down right now, and wondering if you can make it through this last year! But you will do fine! You have over come your problems so far, and made it through your past school year,  and you will  do it again this year! You are stronger than what you might think! Of course you will have your down times, like you are now, and you will question yourself as you are now.  But  that will pass for you, just  like it has before, and you will be stronger because of it! I am sure this year won't be easy for you, last year wasn't easy for you either? Was it? But you made it through didn't you? I have faith in you skeye! For being so young,  you have faced so much! It has made you  tough and strong! Stronger than what you might realize! Just remember that when the going gets tough, the tough get going! 

We are all with you in spirit and  we are right here to support you when you need  that little extra bit of encouragement!!, We will  lend you our ears when you need some one to listen! You will do alright this coming school year!!!  After all,  we are all here with you!

Good Luck to You Skeye!

White Beard

Posted 9/5/2009 2:34 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks for your kind, motivating words White Beard. You are absolutely right!

hugs,
Skeye
Posted 9/5/2009 7:53 AM (GMT 0)
Skeye,
White Beard is absolutely right! I remember your struggles as you posted here during the last semester, and I know it wasn't easy for you. Not in the least. And all you can do is keep putting one foot in front of the other, and if it comes to a point you can't, then you sit down for awhile. But you will find a way to reach your goals, even if you have to tweak them along the way!

BTW, when you say 100% private, is it a private non-profit? Very few schools are private, for-profits. Non-profits still get government funds through a variety of means - even through students getting federal monies for student loans. So a lot of institutions may be "private" but that doesn't mean they're not subject to following federal laws. Another way they take in money is through grants - like research grants. That's why even researching an attorney who knows education law would be important. Some interesting law suits have come from this arena, although some private schools have won some of the cases. It can get tricky.

I just think you deserve all the help you can be given!

Hugs,

PaLady
Posted 9/5/2009 10:27 PM (GMT 0)
Umm, I honestly didn't know that there was a difference! I only knew public vs. private, so I don't have a clue! Probably non-profit.

Skeye
Posted 9/6/2009 2:07 AM (GMT 0)
Skeye,
Private, non-profits are tax-exempt, and even though they may make a "profit" in terms of their bottom line, it must be put back into the corporation/institution, and not distributed to shareholders. Private, for-profits pay taxes, and therefore have much more flexibility as to what they can do with any profit made.

I'll bet it's a private, non-profit, too.

Still loved your photo! Hair blowing in the wind is totally appropriate for the scene!

Hugs,

PaLady
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