What's next?

I know I haven't been posting too much lately because things have been nuts here and I can't seem to catch a break.  My nerve ablation is wearing off way too soon and the insurance company never paid for the last one so I'll never get another one at this rate.  Even if I could, I'm not sure if I could stand the pain of the procedure because it was horrible for me.  I just don't know what to do at this point.  My back pain is way up every day and I want to cry all the time.  I'm stuck with a family situation that I can't get out of and it stresses me even more and now my husband's work is making him crazy.  I love him dearly, but he doesn't seem to understand CP and seems to think I can still do everything!  He only stops to think when I break down in to tears and just beg for some pain relief for a while. 

Please don't get me wrong....I'm just venting and I hurt!  I love all of my family, but they are making me want to go hide somewhere.  I like quiet and peaceful life....not loud people, lies, manipulation, and that you don't work now so you can do ......whatever.....for me!

Thanks for listening to the vent tonight.  I needed to get it out or explode~!

 

   Dear Retired,

 

    Good evening *warm hugg* I am glad you stopped by. I was wondering just the other day how the adoption was comming along and if you had been able to get your pain down. I see now though that not only has your pain increased but you are at witts end as well. *hugg* I am so sorry you have so much on your shoulders right now.

 

    You know, Sometimes I think the people around us.... they know we can handle more than the average bear. Emotionally, physically. Its the curse of a woman IMHO. Sometimes I have to spell it out for my loved ones. You know, good ol black and white, BIG BOLD DIRECTIONS. I donno what it is, but once we become moms its like we are expected to be super woman the rest of our lives. *sigh* So, spell it out.

 

~~> "I CANNOT move. I love you, and I WANT to do XYZ for you, but I physically just cannot do it right now. PLease help me by ___________."

 

     You know last year, BCBS, what a nightmare.... So, while I was dealing with their inability to even pay for the basics, I payed out to the hospital and doctors the portion I would normally be left paying. Which for us 10%. Then to keep my account current I would talk to billing and let them know I am re filing so I didnt get stuck with late fees on top of everything during the appeal. I literally had to apeal 98% of all my bills last year. The worst part??? My doctors and surgeons were all only charging me for materials only. Even for my eyes and dental reconstruction. No kidding, I still had to eat 22K in medical costs. Rediclious what insurnace companies get away with. Argh. Im getting off track, sorry. In anycase, my advise is to talk to billing, pay the portion you would normally pay and get the appeal done and a payment plann started if possible. If anything it will get you in the "current" status so you can get your next procedure done.

 

    Most of all I am so sorry you have so much high stress going on in your life on top of debilitating chronic pain. That has got to be diffacult to say the least. I do hope you can get enough help so you can work on just YOU for a little while. You are the kind of person to give 200% of who you are to everyone around you, but only ask for bare minimum for yourself. Its time to give yourself some attention. You are in our prayers here. Stay strong!

*hugg*

  dani

Thank you all for your support.  A little rest helped considerably and I'm hoping to find a way to sort out some other things today.

Chutz..  Thank you for the suggestion on counseling, but I already see someone in that area.  He's actually really great and I'm looking forward to our next meeting (I think).  I say that because I know he does not want me to be involved in this family thing.  We've discussed it before.  In this case, I had a moral obligation to step in somehow.  It was me take over things or let the State do it and I honestly can't see letting that happen to someone I love.

Dani.. I also appreciate your kind words and advice.  I think you have me confused with someone else regarding an adoption though.  I never adopted or attempted adoption.  I lost several babies and the finally (10 years ago) had a child of my own.  She is my pride and joy and my saving grace in all of the days of pain.  I honestly appreciate the suggestions on how to keep these family members at bay, but I don't know if I have the strength to fight them any longer.  There are times when it is simply easier to give in for a while just to get the ball rolling in the right direction.  I hope I have the strength to send it rolling back to them pretty soon.

As far as the husband....he is struggling himself and I can see the toll his work is taking on him.  He is sort of giving up and wants desperately to move on up the ladder (although I'm not sure that would be a wise decision for him).  In order to do that, he has to increase his education....which is another issue in and of itself. 

Mikel...Thank you so much for the encouragement and kind words.  You are going through so much on your own right now and need all the strength and support you can get.  I will keep you in my prayers (as I will for the many others suffering here who wish me to) and I hope that you (and they) are feeling better today!

Hi Retired Mom,

just sending you a quick note of encouragement. I know it's hard to deal with family members when you're feeling 100%...never mind when you're in pain and distressed and can barely manage to keep yourself going. I am praying for you and keeping you close in my thoughts...I hope things start to get better quickly for you. I hope your husband is able to find a way to manage his stress as well...it's not easy for our spouses to understand what we're going thru, but that doesn't mean they love us any less.

I hope you are feeling better today, and that each day ahead brings a tiny bit more comfort.

hugs,
Pam

Thanks again guys. Today has been some better (except for the pain) and I guess we may have a small lull before the next storm.

Skeye, I love the idea of the room alone and have actually changed an office/storage room at the other end of my house (I live in a ranch style) into another bedroom. It's MINE and I honestly can go there and be pretty much alone for a while. I even sleep there some nights when my pain is really bad and I want complete quiet.

I've insisted on other care for the "visiting" child this week (except for two days) and church camp (but that probably won't last) for next week. My child will not be going since I don't want her to be "responsible" for anything negative that may happen during the week. I hope to only have to deal with that situation for one day next week. Wish me luck!

Also, I made some decisions on how to help my husband and, although it is not perfect, it has helped ease his mind for now. He's having a much better evening....despite the extreme stresses of today. I guess we have to all do what we can for others. We also talked quite seriously about the pain increase and he's expressed understanding now. It was just the reaction to his horrible day yesterday and he's quite appologetic this afternoon for the insensitivity. Please don't get me wrong, he does not yell or fight....just can be very harsh and demanding at times. I should remember that it is a small price to pay when a person is very good to you on a regular basis.

I really appreciate all of the support on this thread. I've taken up enough of your time on this now, since I'm feeling better. I just had to get it all out before I exploded. I'm sure you all understand what CP does to you when you can't handle anything else. Once it passes though, we get our next wind and start over trying to be strong again.

Have a relaxing evening and rest well all!