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Chronic Pain
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Posted 2/20/2012 7:26 PM (GMT 0)

Was cleaning out a closet when I came across some awards and trophies I got when I used to do martial arts. I can't believe their even mine.  Over the years I've had one surgery after another, mostly joint related surgeries. I never gave it much thought at the time and never would have pictured myself being in the shape I am today. I used to be a carpenter and build many houses. I was physically strong and sure of myself. Now that seems like another life or a friend I used to know who has passed on. Since I had a spine fusion done on my back I've steadily declined. The first time it really hit me was when my daughter was in girl guides and they had a father daughter night filled with some physical activities and I couldn't go. My wife suggested having her brother take her. It was one of the lowest points in my life.

Since than I can't help feeling more and more useless. I developed other problems such swelling in my legs which after a year of tests I still have no idea why. My left foot has grown 2 shoe sizes in the last 2 years and my big toe is growing out sideways. That makes wearing shoes very difficult and painful and still no answers to why.

Ortho surgeon suggest I have full foot reconstruction but after 11 surgeries now in total I just don't want anymore.The pain from my back and legs and foot and ankles has become almost unbearable even with a large dose of pain medications. I know I`m just having a pity party for myself but between the pain and feeling so useless most days I can`t help but get a little depressed.

Anyway thank you for letting me vent. I hope all of you are doing well and all my best to everyone. Thanks again

Stingray(Randy)

Posted 2/20/2012 9:01 PM (GMT 0)
Randy....we soooo can understand and empathize...I have these moments quite often lately...

At 43..and divorced, I am hit with the clarity that I will not have a child. Health reasons have prevented me from keeping a pregnancy to term when I was married...And now...by the time I ever was to find someone again, and then get married, trying to adopt would even be something that is most likely not possible. Yes...I adored and loved my bonus children (my ex's kids that are grown now)...and would welcome loving any children a new partner would have....it's just the thought of seeing happy families on tv or at the grocery store...that it hits me like a ton of bricks that I am truly alone.

As well as I, like, you was so active in my earlier days...I worked a full time job, then volunteered as a Firefighter/EMT on the overnight shift from 11pm-7am....I did photography on the side for jobs and for pleasure...I rock climbed a lot, rode motorcycles, biked...etc...

My life was full of activities each night and weekend. And now...it's all I can do to walk my dog each day and take care of my Mom who's health is failing.

So....I completely understand that feeling...I try very hard to only have my pity party days once or twice a month or else it grabs a hold of me too much...As I wrote on another thread...depression goes hand in hand with living with chronic pain. I hope that if you are feeling too low that you are having any really negative thoughts to harm yourself that you will promise to get immediate help! Or...if it's getting to where you can't come out of this to where it's every so often....even going and speaking with a counselor is helpful or possibly going on antidepressants...

That's what is so good about this site and/or a therapist...We can be absolutely free to share our woes. Sometimes it is so hard for our family to truly understand what it's like...So coming here to vent is important and necessary...

Sending out some big hugs to you today (( ))
Posted 2/20/2012 11:14 PM (GMT 0)
Randy,

Your post brought tears to my eyes.... and I don't think anyone here would think that it's a "pity party" - it's simply grieving a life that used to be way different. I have my moments, too. I have many moments, in fact.... throughout every day. So, keep venting. We are here to listen and we DO understand. This isn't the life that any of us envisioned.

I'd write more - but I have two little monkeys that are literally making a hurricane of my house, lol. But I wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you and really do understand how you feel. More later....

Love, Tina
Posted 2/21/2012 3:52 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Randy, nini53/Kathy here this is the perfect place to vent, so never apologize for venting, we all do at one time or another.  I am coming up on my year anniversary of joining HW, which my youngest daughter found for me, and when I got on, I felt like I had come home.  Its very difficult to explain to people who do not have cp how difficult it is to live with cp day by day.  Here, sadly we all know what it feels like.

I am very sorry you sound like you are really having a difficult time of it.  Its frustrating when even your doctor or doctors dont know whats going on with you.  As for doing things with your children, I know well how you feel, its been 12+ years since I have been disabled and it took me almost 2 years to get out of bed unless I was going to my doctor.  All I can tell you is even though you cannot do the things you once did, you will find that there are other outlets for you.  I am not trying to say its easy, its not, its very hard, but after 2 years in bed, I knew I had to get up and start doing something.  My girls were in there teens when I finally had to stop working, but they had been through years of me saying, "I cant do that, my back".  My grandchildren have never known anything but grandma saying "sorry, grandma cant do that", but there are still many things I can do with them.

Take care, and good luck with finding out what going on with you,

Kathy

 

Posted 2/21/2012 7:53 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you so much for your replies. It means alot to me that you would take the time to respond. I can usually keep it together but I guess some stress cracks are starting to show. I guess I'm just very frustrated and reading the news the other day about the Ontario government forcing companies to stop producing Oxycontin  was the last straw. I've found out that they only intend to replace it with a different version of the drug. Reading some of the comments on the article I read made by people who obviously do not have chronic pain just upset me all the more. So sick of feeling guilty about taking pain meds. Anyway that's another story. I didn't mention my age which is 48. My daughters are now 11 and 15 and they have come to expect very little from their Dad in the way of participating in alot of functions. It breaks my heart that they have had to get used to it. I know that I am blessed in many other ways and feel bad about complaining. Thank you again for your kind words and support. It means alot. I hope all the best for all of you. Thanks again

Stingray (Randy)

Posted 2/22/2012 12:38 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Randy, sorry to hear things are so rough for you. You know that I understand that. You can vent here any time you want. We've all been in your place. I wish I had the answers for you. As it is I am still searching for answers to my pain. I have an appt for another pain doctor in march, but don't know what he will have to offer that I haven't tried. And tomorrow I am bringing papers to my doctor to apply for out of country medical care. It would be great if OHIP accepts it.
Anyways, one day at a time my friend. I am sure your daughters know you are doing the best that you can under the circumstances.

Take care
Suzane
Posted 2/22/2012 11:24 PM (GMT 0)
Randy,
I am sorry that things are tough right now. Vent away, please! We all need to vent sometimes, and I know if I don't and bottle it up, eventually it will blow and that is ugly.

I feel useless too. I used to do so many things, and now I do nothing. It feels horrible.

Someone told me today at my psych appointment that if you have the flu, you rest, sleep when you need to, drink lots of fluids, take the appropriate medication if needed and do what you need to do to recover. Chronic pain, depression, anxiety and all the many things we struggle with here are no different than the flu. Our body is working hard to recover, and if we need to rest, take a medication, or accept that we can't do something someone else does, then that is ok. We are taking care of our bodies so that we can do what we are able to, just as if we had the flu or another illness. Nothing is wrong with not being able to fix that garden, or work in a 9 to 5 job, or anything else. Taking care of yourself is more important that getting something done.

There are so many here who understand. Grief is ok when we have lost what our lives were like before CP. Vent away, because when I read this tonight, it helped me come to terms with my own situation a little more.

I pray you start to feel better soon.

Mindy
Posted 2/23/2012 9:47 AM (GMT 0)
HI Suzane and Mindy
Thank you for your words of support. It does feel a bit better to get it off my chest. I'm sorry your both having so much pain of your own.I wish you all the best and hope that something good comes your way. Good luck with the new pain doc ..suzane..I hope he can do or find something the rest missed. Thank you again(( Mindy and Suzane )) for taking your time to respond when I know how many problems you have of your own. Will be saying a prayer for both of you as well as everyone else. Thanks again.
Stingray(Randy)
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