Help please....need advise..when is enough enough?

I am so sorry to hear of your situation Lynn....We are glad that you found us here...but sad that you have chronic pain and are seeking help.

Do you have a therapist/counselor that you can go and talk to? The emotional toll that chronic takes on us is really tough.

Unfortunately when illness strikes a family...it will either bring a couple together....or it tears them apart. Keep in mind that many men do not know how to handle seeing the person they love in pain. They like to "fix" things and this is something they can't. (Just giving some general examples here)....

So before giving up...I would try to seek out couple's/marriage counseling as well as see that person on your own to see if you all can save this marriage.

The good thing about your kids as they are old enough to be helping around the house...doing their own laundry...help with cooking/cleaning...etc. This is where you have to just tell them what their chores are plain and simple. It's not only good for you....but it's good for them to learn how to be part of a family unit that all helps chip in. As well as helps them be independent and know how to take care of things.

This has nothing to do with how much you love them.

The way you write it...I assume this man is not their biological father? Is their father in their lives and lives nearby? I would still assume that this man loves them as well though..

So when you mention going to Hawaii....are you saying you would move the children there as well? (This is why I asked about their father)...

If you all decide to move as a family and it's best for everyone for you to have more family help...then I say getting everyone together to talk about this possibility and see what the response is.

Again..even though your kids are getting older...they still need you around and your love everyday.

Do you mind sharing more about what your disabilities are and what treatments/surgeries/medications are part of your regimen?

We certainly can empathize what it is like living with chronic pain....Others will be around soon to welcome you here. It is a bit more quiet on weekends so please keep this in mind..

Sending hugs (( ))

Hello, Lynn.

Welcome here, this was a first good step finding us and reaching out. I hate stories like yours, and unfortunately, they are not that uncommon. I am sorry you in a relationship that appears to be so one sided. And I know there are no quick or easy answers.

Chronic illnesses do tend to bring either the best, or the worse out of the people that are involved. Was your marriage shaky before you became disabled, or did it develop after the fact?

As you already know, your first responsibility is to you yourself and your children. If both sides were willing and honest, then the right kind of counseling would be a good first step. But both sides would have to go into it open minded.

If you are a woman of faith, hopefully you can find some inner strength to help you deal with what lies before you.

As someone asked above, if you went back to Hawaii, would you be keeping your children with you? Starting all over again can be the right answer for some people. No one deserves to stay in a miserable one-sided relationship. Without sound judgemental, and based on the little bit you disclosed, sounds like you are with a very uncaring and selfish individual. And unfortunatley, sometimes its hard to get blood out of a rock.

You will have to decide what you really want at this point in yourlife. What you are willing to put up with, what your ultimatel limits are, and what your own long terms are. Only you can answer these questions.

As far as your Chronic Pain, this is the place to be. We are all here for different reasons and maladies, but we share that common enemy: Pain. It is what gives us common ground and understanding to help one another. My pain is cancer related, but pain is pain. Even with all the meds I am on, and with the help of an excellent doctor, I never have had a single pain free or even low pain day in over 2 years now. Many here have suffered far longer than I have.

If you need to vent, please feel free to do so, we are use to it, and we all need to do so from time to time. It won't make anyone mad at you, it might make you feel better in the process.

Keep us posted, and perhaps when you feel up to it, feel in some of the gaps in your story, and share a bit more about some of your thoughts.

Again, you did the right thing coming here, you do not have to feel alone, ever again, with whatever ails you, you are among friends here.

Hope you can see some sunshine behind all your dark clouds, and as I offer everyone I meet, never, ever, give up hope. There are always solutions to every problem, even if you can't see them right now.

David in S.C.

lynn,

your followup did help tie up a lot of loose ends, it sounds to me, like you know what you need, and know what you ultimately have to do. Sure it won't be easy at first, but it comes a time, that a person simply needs to do what is best for them. There is no crime in you wanting to take care of your self, and if being back with your parents, then I say more power to you. It may take away a lot of the mental, physical and emotionaly stress that you are obviously under. I was stationed for awhile in Hawaii many years ago in the Navy, and it's indeed a beautiful and tranquil place. It might be just the medicine you need at this point in your life.

good luck to you, we are here for you, anytime, please don't forget that part.

david

Hi Lynn,

Your story has stayed with me since I read it so I felt I had to come back and post some encouragement. You obviously want to be with your parents and I'm sure they would love to have you with them. Is it possible that your child/children could be given the choice to stay and finish school and then come over to Hawaii to be with you for the oldest one and the youngest one could have summers with you and spend the school year with the father. I know that is a little unusual in the way you are thinking right now, but you will miss your children so much once you have taken the time to heal your mind and spirit. Your body may or may not ever heal.

I mention this because being in pain causes us to think in a different way....I speak from experience here!! There have been so many times I just wanted to leave everything behind and just go, but it was not the answer for me. Problems always follow you and you cannot run from them.

If you are unhappy in your marriage, then perhaps separation or divorce is the best choice for you, but you probably need some time with your parents before you make any serious decisions.

You, my friend, need a very long vacation. If it turns out to be permanent...then it was meant to be. Just don't isolate yourself from your children. They LOVE you, no matter how ungrateful or selfish they are right now. It's because they are children that they cannot express the empathy you need right now. I'm not suggesting you take them with you on this vacation, but that you give yourself time to heal before you make drastic decisions that will change everyones' lives forever.

You do deserve happiness and family and so do your children. Your husband also deserves happiness and perhaps you can regain that and perhaps you cannot. You need the time right now to de-stress and relax and just be loved by your parents. I believe, however, that you will find the parent/child relationship much changed from what you imagine it to be. We can never go back to another time in our past. It just isn't made to be that way.

I wish you all the best and hope you will find your answers soon.

I really do appreciated all of your advise...I am going to go back to my DR. and try yet again another med for Depression.....I am willing to take the drugs if I could just get some that work and stay working Paxil worked for a few months then just stopped...I have tried 6 other drugs to no avail...maybe try a MAOI next..I can't stand this much longer I was alone again all weekend and never left the house (or the couch for that matter) Husband hasn't said a word to me in 2 days..we are living separate lives in the same house.....it is really hard.....but today is a new day..and I am going to push through..it just seems that I am not living..barely surviving..time keeps going and I am standing still just waiting and wanting it to go buy...does that make any sense? I can't remember the last time I laughed or smiled..my kids just see me as a burden and avoid me because they know I will ask them to help out and they are to lazy to do so....some days running away sounds pretty good.....oh I need a drug that works...you all have a great day.. and thank you for listening..it does feel good to get this off my chest..I've been living in silence to long....Lynn

You story is terrible Lynn. So sorry to hear you are having such a hard time. I have to echo what Snowbunny says. I think you need a break. Perhaps when you are gone your family will see what you have been doing for them and they will come to appreciate you more and be more willing to help out. From your side, it will clearly help you to get some rest and your parents are sure to be supportive and listen to your troubles and offer some advice. Hopefully you could come back home with a sense of where you want to go and have a heart to heart with your family once your head is clear.

Good luck and best wishes whatever you do.

Hi Lynn and welcome to the forum. My heart goes out to you as it is obvious you feel like you are at the end of your rope. I do hope that you can find some medication to help with your depression. That will really help you see things in a better light if you can get some relief from the depression. Some times its best to tackle these problems one at a time to try to get them resolved, otherwise its easy to get overwhelmed.

I think taking a vacation to see your parents would be a terrific time to recharge your batteries too. Get your mind in a better place so you can make good sound decisions.

If you feel counseling for you and your husband is something by all means go for it. But it has to be a joint effort. He needs to agree to go too, otherwise it would be a waste of time & money because one person cannot make a marriage work. Yes, you do deserve happiness like anyone else. No one likes to think of divorce, but sometimes it cannot be avoided. It happens and very much a part of todays society. I have children too and mine are grown. I do not believe in staying together for the sake of the children either. That is a not a good environment for anyone to live in and children know when there is trouble in the house. You cannot hide it from them either. Yes, I divorced their dad.

In the event you part company you could do joint custody. You can split the time up with each parent, its done all the time. That way the children still have time with both parents.

But for now, I suggest trying a new med for the depression and take a nice vacation to see your parents while school is still out and get your head on straight. Once you feel better then make plans on what your next step will be.

Take care and keep us posted.....Susie

i know exactly the "lack of empathy" as you put it. until someone walks a mile in your shoes they cannot relate. although, when you have real chronic pain that is documented and treated by a physician you would think that would be enough for anyone to realize they should be concerned with how you feel and trying to make it easier for you in various ways. i now only have 2 or 3 friends that treat me with some consideration i guess you whould say without sounding selfish. my family understands i have pain but not the secondary results of chronic pain: depression, anxiety, abnormal apatite, housebound at times, lack of stamina, fatigue, ect. i almost wish it was the other way around. i can't advise you in a matter of married with kids but if you already know in your spirit and you know for a fact he will not look on your situation with some common sense then i would not b be willing to have that stress on top of my chronic pain. one legitimate publication you could print out, (20+pages), and give to him is called, "THE INTRACTABLE PAIN PATIENTS HANDBOOK FOR SURVIVAL", by Forest Tennant MD. he has a advocate position regaurding people who live in severe pain and is a top man in the feild. you would get a lot of knowledege from it yourself and knowledge is power fighting pain. God bless you and i hope everything falls right into place for you.

Thanks so much for all the compassion..I am looking into an outpatient program at the Mayo Clinic (only good thing about living in MN) They have a special unit just for Depression & Anxiousness ..I have been going back and forth with my MD for to long..maybe this will gets my meds straightened out..plus the MD's talk to the Psychiatrists they are all in the same program! (what a concept!!) I guess my husband is gone for the week with work... He knew all weekend and I found out at about 6pm tonight..like living with a roommate...14 years and that's all the consideration?! anyway..less to cook this week..LOL.....Lynn

I am about 3 hours away, but I could be a lot farther..Lynn