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Posted 8/14/2012 3:19 AM (GMT 0)
I remember my dad saying that many times when I was a kid as he proceeded to pull out the dreaded belt. I didn't take that approach this evening, just put my son to bed and let him stew on it, the kid doesn't feel pain anyways, so whats the point of a swat on the butt with him. I hate this part of neing a dad, because I'm never sure if I'm making a real progress toward better behavior. But wow, my son started messing with his cousin's plates, wouldn't stop, and then on my last warning, threw his dinner plate at me and yelled no, with this huge grin on his face.

I know child discipline is a very sensitive subject these days, and like I said, I hate that part of being a dad. All I did, since it's 7:00 anyways, was put him in hks PJ's and he's staying in his bed for the rest of the night, but just doing that, and my back is ready to explode!!!

Do any of the rest of you have problems finding good discipline techniques that dont make your pain shoot through the roof? I've been using a modified form of time out for over a year which is very effective, and was recommended by his bahavioralist, where I have hime hold himself against the wall at a 45° in basically a stretched push up position, needless to say, he's become very barrel chested. But now that one isn't working.

I'm a Christian guy who just wants his kid to learn respect and responsibility, but with as much pain as I've been in, I just don't know how to keep my sanity, and tach a 2 y/o to behave, this is the first time he's deliberately defied like that, but it's been escalating to this for over a month now.

Do any of you have any suggestions on how you're able to teach your kids to behave while you're going through immense pain? Books, ideas, a tranquilizer gun for loan lol?

Im a firm beleiver that if I dont teach my son to behave, that I'd be leaving him at the mercy of a judge, and he's usually so polite and giving and kind natured, but even just trying to get down and explain things to him is just an unrelenting amount of pain.

Anyone have any pointers on this? I have discussed ideas with his IEP team many times, but all of their suggestions start with the words "pick him up".

I need help, I can't keep doing what I've been doing, it leaves me in bed for hours. Again, I'm open to anything at this point, I want him to have a fighting chance in life.
Posted 8/14/2012 3:31 AM (GMT 0)
my 7 yr old daughter is a handful! i used to spank her like my folks spanked me when i was a kid (and my wife still does! haha JUST KIDDING- gotta make myself laugh!) but that stopped working. actually with her nothing works except taking away dessert. she's a suger fiend and sometimes it seems that's the only thing in the entire world that hits her where it hurts. she's totally skinny and in shape so im not overly concerned about her eating...i'd love to find some other techniques to discipline her. with me it's more the playtime that is an issue with my pain levels. she loves me to carry her, give piggybacks, throw her in the pool...i try my darndest but sometimes i have to say enough! i know she gets it but it still hurts that as a father i can't do the things other dads can sometimes.she'll say throw me like uncle scott- our friend...i say i can't and she gets so disappointed sometimes. sorry i got off topic here but your quandry just brought it to top of mind...another dad unable to do something at times due to the pain levels you experience...your son will be OK...my daughter has some behavior issues as well and we were so scared last year in 1st grade we'd get the phone call- come get your daughter she hit so and so...it didn't happen thank god. she's a pistol. my thoughts are to try to let them be as independent as possible and if need be learn things the hard way--to a pont. when we were kids being bad and getting in trouble meant the principal's office not jail and the cops like today, it's a shame that kids cant be kids anymore even for a few years.
Posted 8/14/2012 4:47 AM (GMT 0)
I know exactly what you mean about missing out on play time, my son and I used to wrestle, or get into 1/2 hour long tickle fights, and one of his favorite things is to be thrown into the air, and he has one of those red and yellow cars that he drives flinstone style, and I used to run him up and down the driveway in that. I get to spend a lot more time with him than when I was working, but the quality of the time spent has diminished a lot. Almost every night around 7:30 he comes over to me and says "daddy I meed sit on my wap". He'll climb up and just nest on me. That's about the extent of what I can do with him now. It's a just heart braking to me.
Posted 8/14/2012 5:01 AM (GMT 0)
2y4t,

I can tell just by the things that you write that you are a really good, involved dad... and I just want you to know that I admire that quality.... very, very much.

All I can tell you is what has worked/works for us. I loved the part about the tranquilizer gun, lol. Trust me, I have four teenagers right now - and on a DAILY basis - I need that gun, lol.

But I'm a firm believer in setting boundaries and "teaching" your children how to behave. I'm w/ you, too - I have the twins that are turning two... and picking them up literally kills me... so I've had to find alternative ways to deal with them.

With the girls... I use a firm voice with them when I'm mad - much different from my normal, fun-loving voice, lol. I will take their face and turn it towards mine... and I say "Look mommy in the eyes". I've found that statement alone will often distract enough to make the point get across. This has worked from about 18 months on. Because of my back... I don't pick them up; I get down to their level and say this.

The girls are also a bit behind in their speech (although they understand everything)... so I've taught them some sign language - and this has helped immensely w/ their behavior. Two of the signs are "nice" and "sorry". (Google "baby signs" for them). Often, when they are acting really good - I'll praise them for acting "nice" (along w/ the sign).... so they understand when they are NOT acting correctly - I tell them they are not being nice. I also make them say "sorry" (but that's more because there are two of them and towards each others). I think kids have an innate desire to please... so I notice the "nice" thing really works w/ the twins.

I'd also give warnings... and then be prepared to follow through - whatever it is. For instance, with playing w/ his cousin's plates, maybe you could have said... "If you do it again, I'm taking YOUR food away"... and, if it happened again, do it. It may bring tears... but he'll know that you will follow through w/ what you mean.

Praise him like crazy when he does things right and acts appropriately.

Above all... don't let the mommy/daddy guilt get to you. It's a loving thing to teach your son respect and to discipline him. I know it's hard on your, physically and emotionally. But the result of NOT doing so would be even worse!

I probably will think of other things... and I'll post if I do :) Again, though - I think it's wonderful that you care enough to even post this.... congrats on being a really good daddy.

--Tina
Posted 8/14/2012 11:17 AM (GMT 0)
I have custody of my stepgrandson and he is almost 4 years old. He has been with us for several years so he knows that he has to "Help Nana" because her back hurts.

We do ALOt of time outs, just need to be very consistant with following thru. If I say he needs to stop and he doesnt, I need to be willing and able to sit his backside down and stand there to make sure he sits. When we are done with a time out, which is one minute for each year old, we repeat why he had a time out and what will happen if he does the behavior again. For a real little guy losing his nightime TV show doesnt mean anything at 10AM, the "punishment" needs to be instant.


Same thing with toys, if I need to ask him to clean something up 3 times, it is gone. Mr Potatoe Heads and Legos are he particular problem. Sometimes, if he is givin those chances and he wont listen I need to get out my reacher and slowley start to pick up 187 pieces.

I also find when he is starting to misbehave or pushing the boundries, getting him involved in a helping task, usually keeps him in line. That way I can tell him how good he is being and how much I appreciate him helping. Rather than giving him attention for the negative behaviors I can praise him for helping and being good.

He sees his mother once per month, and when he comes home he is a disaster. Spitting,kicking, throwing food, it can be very frustrating. So that week we give him a little slack, since she has no rules and he gets accustomed to running like a wild man at her house. Its difficult for us but more confusing for him.

Since you mentioned you have an IEP team, I will tell you to use that resource. Call on them often and ask for more services if needed. Maybe they can help you get set up with TSS (therpeutic support staff) or someone similiar who would come into the home to model behavioral modification techniches. If you ask for a meeting they must do it, even if your date isnt up yet! If you have any IEP specific questions feel free to ask. I am an Occupational Therapist working with kids 3-21. I really need to head out Now to the dr but dont mind answering questions later.

Bighugs,
Shell
Posted 8/14/2012 11:53 AM (GMT 0)
I know this doesn't really help you out now, but yo may be able to use it when he's older. When my son was going through his attitude teenage years his punishment was working out. Seriously, jumping jacks, running the length of the back yard, things like that. Believe it or not he was pretty much cured after a few months. He eventually started jogging on his own and went into the military. He has a lot of pride now and he turned into a very good young man. He is currently in Afghanistan (but his tour is over in just 3 weeks, i can't wait to see him!)
Posted 8/14/2012 1:58 PM (GMT 0)
I am so glad I am not the only parent with chronic pain who feels this way...lol
I have been feeling like such a horrible parent because I am constantly yelling at my 10yr old boy for his horrible behavior. His pediatrician diagnosed him with ADD and his dad doesn't want to put him on medication so I have agreed to work with him on behavioral modification with a counselor and reward/chore charts at home. But I have to constantly have to remind him and it stresses me out so badly. He has been down right dis respectful to me, saying things like "you didn't buy my favorite cereal so you don't love me" or "you lie and you are mean because you promissed to take me to the (fill in the blank)". The cereal thing was my fault because I hadn't made it to the store yet but he shouldn't be talking to me that way. The other thing with promising to take him to places is hard because I never know how I am going to be feeling day to day. He sees how much I am hurting, and I think he understands that I am in pain, but doesn't fully understand why it should effect him. There are many days where I just want him to go live with his dad full time and I only see him a few days a week and I feel like a horrible mom for that feeling. I ground him, I take games away, you name it I have done it. Yes I have even spanked him with a belt! My mom did it to me and I turned out just fine. I just don't know what else to do with him. The more he acts out, the higher my stress becomes which causes my pain to shoot through the roof.

How did these kids get so dis respectful and defiant? Is it the video games, the added chemicals in our foods? I wasn't the best behaved kid, but I don't remember ever being that dis respectful.
Posted 8/14/2012 4:12 PM (GMT 0)
For me I have found with my extremely stubborn 6 year old, taking the computer time away by changing the wifi internet code works wonders! Kids these days love the computer it does not matter what the age. about a month ago I read a article that said to cahnge the wifi password daily and the kids get the new one as long as they are good and get the chores done asked of them. I can tell you this has worked wonders with all my kids but especially the stubborn one!
Posted 8/14/2012 7:30 PM (GMT 0)
Hi, thank-you all for the suggestions and encouraging words, I wish my body would have at least had the courtesy to wait on messing up until my son was through with high-school, but things happen, and I'm trying to learn how to adapt. Again thank-you, I appreciate it a lot.
Posted 8/14/2012 11:30 PM (GMT 0)
I have a 7 yr old grandson that was dx'd with slight ADHD I believe is the correct one, I get them confused. He is the most loving child with me and his papa. He is very much aware I have a lot of health problems, so when he calls me with the intent of asking me to take him some where, he says to me, granny are you feeling good today. This use to bother me that he asked this, instead I turned it around that he cares enough to ask, lol.

He has been a handful for his parents and I mean it. His daddy was the same way but could not take the medication back then. Spanking a child does no good, it instills in them its ok to use their hands to hurt others because after all mommy & daddy do it so it must be ok. Bet some of you have not ever looked at it that way.

Time out has been very effective with him, his mom & daddy does what Tina does with the twins, they make the eye to eye contact and have his full attention and they talk to him about whatever he has done that got him into trouble. Also,making him stand or sit in the corner for so many minutes, being young its best just short minutes.They will take away a favorite toy or for him a DS games or computer time. He is old enough now that makes an impact on him. He understands consequences now too for his actions.

Don't be so hard on yourself for some of the things you physically cannot do with your son. As he gets older he will understand. If he is young pull him up in your lap and read a book to him, if he is too old for that just give him one on one time where he has your full attention.Take him to a dollar movie or down to the bowling alley and let him bowl a game, he will appreciate one on one like that. I can't bowl anymore. We do this with our grandson and his mom & dad do the same.

But above all you must be consistent, if not you are dead in the water. Its tough raising kids, I am so glad mine are grown. I have watched my son & his wife and it has been more of a struggle for my son than his wife. Dad wants to yell but has learned that is not the answer either. The teachers and the pediatrician says one of Cole's biggest problems is he gets bored if he does not have a challenge to keep him busy. This past school year was great, his teacher worked with him & kept him busy.

You know even with your boy limiting you with things to do with your so, there is still lots of things the two of you will be able to do as he gets older. Sometimes we have to be creative too, lol. It just takes lot of patience but you will make it and do fine.

Take care....Susie
Posted 8/15/2012 2:50 AM (GMT 0)
I can't and won't give you any direct advice here, because its been so long since I had to deal with kid problems, being my youngest just turned 29. I respect you and your thread, as it shows your intent to be the best dad you can be, CP or no CP. Think of all those parents without CP, that don't give a flip what their kids do.

I grew up in a very hostile and violent childhood. Lets just say, my father has been dead for nearly 20 years, and I am still afraid of him.

Because of my upbringing, I tended to be soft with the kids. My wife was the tougher one, lol. I was so afraid of being like my father, and losing my temper, so I tended to back off often. My wife did better with the kids when they were like under 13, and I did better with them as teen agers Logic and money worked wonders when they were older.

Hope you find the answers or compromise you are looking for.

david in sc
Posted 8/15/2012 9:27 AM (GMT 0)
First of all if you took a belt to a 2 year old that would be child abuse and you would not deserve to be his father and your wife wouldn't deserve to be his mother if she allowed it. Really, how do people justify that behavior? He's a baby! He doesn't understand your in pain, he doesn't understand the difference between a tree and another tree. also from all the activities you are doing with him, he's probably overstimulated and babies are like dogs, they can feel when you are angry and stressed out but unlike dogs they don't know what to do, so they act out and if you keep parenting him the way you are the acting out is going to get a lot worse. You said his doctor's/therapists said to pick him up? Do they know that you medical issues? Because, if they don't, how are they supposed to give you the correct information? It sounds like you still haven't accepted your medical issues and that means you probably are not getting the correct treatments either. How do you think that is affecting your parenting issues. The best thing you can do for your son and any other children you may have in the future is to learn how to ASK FOR HELP and Follow Directions. Parenting is kinda like guerrila warrfare, if you ain't got the training they will kick you a++!
Posted 8/15/2012 3:10 PM (GMT 0)
I agree with you that you did not pull out the belt. That was what we got as kids, but its taboo now.
I started to hurt when my girls were 10, 7, 4. With my husband working and going to school both full-time needless to say I was the main "parenting" parent.
Some of the trickster I used was to have the kid SIT on the floor, wherever they were. Store, next to the table, out on the sidewalk, wherever. I don't have a specific time period for it- whenever she starts to look bored, an then a little more. It a tantrum is happening, I tell her that the time doesn't start until she is quiet. It worker on the four year old-time great.

An alternative to picking up your son might be going around to stand right beside him. Say in a firm voice, GET UP. and stand there until he complies. If he needs help listening, you could pull out the chair or help him to stand, but don't pick him up and don't yell.
Then state in a firm voice GO TO YOUR ROOM and walk beside him to his room, repeating it in a firm voice as often as needed without yelling. If he needs you to hold his hand or the back of his neck, do it, but have him go under his own power.
Then, in his room tell him that because he did. ...this thing..... he will have to do. ....this thing. In this case, miss the rest of dinner and go straight to bed hungry.

This way you have not lost your temper, you have not lifted him, he has had to participate in removing himself from the situation. A tool he can learn to use later, and he will come to understand the cause/effect of the situation. He will also, eventually, modal the no nonsense way to deal with situations without loosing your temper.
Posted 8/15/2012 3:29 PM (GMT 0)
"Some may say that i shouldn't give any input as i have no children."

lahaina, please don't think that, just because you don't have any of your own doesn't mean that any advice offered isn't just as valuable as someone with children.

ty4t, just asking for advice shows to me that you are a dad who cares about not only how to handle the difficult times but to raise your child to be a good person. There are many people that would prefer to give in just to shut their kids up (not on here, I've witness it personally, that's all). I wish you the best of luck!
Posted 8/15/2012 5:47 PM (GMT 0)
Recoveryme2day, I thank-you for your opinions, please understand, I'm a single father who's struggling to even get out of bed. My ex-wife went ballistic and tried to kill us almost two years ago, when she got out of jail, she skipped town and no one has seen her since, with exception to one of her sisters on rare occasions. I am not a psychopath, and wouldn't even dream of hurting my son, my father and his father before him used spanking as punishment, I do not, nor would I even consider it, as there are things like privilege restriction and such, that are way more effective. I am very aware of my medical problems, and would not have asked for advice from people with similar conditions if I was not. This is not a perfect world, and not everyone has the help that they need, including myself, I'm sure you understand that, I can't afford a full time nanny, and my family and friends all have their own lives. I am not insulted by your statement, and agree with parts of it, but I think you may have gotten the wrong impression of what's going on. I love my son very very much, and only wanted some advice from other chronic pain sufferers on how to continue to be a good parent while working around my condition. Please dont take offense to what I'm stating, but I think you got a little bit of the wrong impression, and feal I need to clarify before your imagination runs away with that wrong impression. This is the internet, not a face to face meeting so it's very difficult to communicate effectively, but understand, when I read your post, it seemed full of unmerritted, heart breaking implications, and a demeaning judgment that I do not deserve. I hope this gives you some clarity on this, and I will keep my questions about parenting with chronic pain limited to my doctor from now on.
Posted 8/15/2012 11:37 PM (GMT 0)
2y4t,

The computer has it's limitations... and just trust me when I say that my thoughts have been misunderstood many times online, lol. Anyway, PLEASE don't let someone else's misunderstandings prevent you from posting and reaching out. I thought you were very clear in what you wrote... about everything (don't even want to mention anything and get it stirred up again, lol). But no worries, my friend.

:) --Tina
Posted 8/15/2012 11:38 PM (GMT 0)
And, just to reiterate what I said in my first post - I think by the things you DO post and reach out on.... I can tell you are a very good, involved dad. Sounds like you've been through quite a bit... I'm sorry for that part. But I can tell you adore that little boy VERY much <3

--Tina
Posted 8/16/2012 12:16 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks Tina, and everyone else. Yep, the problem with the internet, and I can certainly understand after thinking about it most of the day where I myself tend to get a little passionate about different topics, especially if I'm having a rough day. I think it's very safe to say that everyone here is going to be very opinionated about different topics and the less we try to read in between the lines and accept people's thoughts, the better off we'll all be.

My ex wife was an extraordinarily abusive and violent person, and it wasn't until 6 months after she left, that I found out that she had been diagnosed a schizophrenic years before we ever met. I have spend days in court, including the day after open surgery for a bowel obstruction last year, in order to protect my son. So it's a bit of a touchy topic for me when someone starts hollering abuse. But I do need all the advice I can get my hands on, because even when I was healthy, this aint easy.

Thanks again, and I actually tried that "look me in the eyes" that works pretty good!
Posted 8/16/2012 2:44 AM (GMT 0)
2y4t, the terrible 2's can be something else to deal with too, lol. I remember my kids at that age and of course not too many years ago my grandson. What a trying age at times. I remember the word "no" coming out of those little mouths all too well. That was one of their first words and they heard it alot. I always said that was why they were saying it to me because they did hear that word a lot from me, lol.

Tina will probably come up with some good tips since she is dealing with two around that age.

Take care......Susie
Posted 8/16/2012 4:35 AM (GMT 0)
Remember Dr. Spocks book on Children? Was one of the greatest sellers of all time, and he never had childlren. Just something to think about..
Posted 8/16/2012 4:50 AM (GMT 0)
I've heard of that book but never read it. Seems a little ironic lol. I've always said, its not the source that matters, its listening to the information. My granfather told me once "a man makes mistakes, a smart man will learn from those mistakes, a wise man will learn from other people's mistakes and not have to make the same mistake others have made".
Posted 8/16/2012 5:27 AM (GMT 0)
Matt,

I agree with you on your comment. A smart person can glean good information from any number and type of sources, even one's that you might not agree with. Facts are still facts. Dr. Spock was the iconic giver of Childcare back primarily in the 1950s and early 1960s. Seems like almost every parent had a copy of his book at one time or the other.

David
Posted 8/20/2012 11:43 PM (GMT 0)
You did great just to put him to bed. Two year olds can hardly be reasoned with at that age, they call it the terrible twos' for a reason. Always be consistant,kind and loving, and eventually he will want to please you. One day I got a call from the pre-school to come pick up my four year old son who managed to conk the teacher on the head with a wooden bowling pin. I picked him up and drove home in silence, sat him down next to me at the dining table. He asked, "what is going to happen to me"? "I don't know", I told him, "I have to think about that good and hard while you watch me work"! I proceeded to pay the bills, balance the budget, send out some letters. After about two hours he was near tears, wallowing in boredom and afraid of the looming undetermined punishment. I turned to him and said, "for your punishment, I will have you pay these bills next time since you watched me how to do it". He began to cry, "oh mommy, noooooo"! "Well, you have a choice. You can go be good at school tomorrow or you can stay home and watch mommy work again." He decided being good at school was much more fun. "What about your teacher, maybe she does not want someone who hit her in her class room". He looked sorrowful and decided to make her a special card that said sorry and pick some flowers for her out of the garden. The next day we went to the teacher, apologised and he asked if he could still be in her class. She said yes, and he was exuberant! He is almost 30 years old today and this the one "punishment" he remembers the most. It is not so much that a child be punished, as guided.
Posted 8/21/2012 12:09 AM (GMT 0)
great story, mermaiden
Posted 8/21/2012 11:13 AM (GMT 0)
Mermaiden, that brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for sharing that!
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