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I think my husband has had it with my back pain

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Posted 5/13/2013 1:25 PM (GMT 0)
I just have to vent today.

As you can see from my previous posts, I am in pain with my back again.

My back pain started in 1998 ( I was 38 then) went through all the tests, different Dr.s etc.

I effentually got better but still had pain but it was managed where I could some how live a normal life.

Now the pain is back again...........not sleeping too well, can't sit in car........just can tolorate it to go to Dr visits & PT

& forget about having a intimate relationship  with my husband.

My husband is doing everything again......shopping, cooking,cleaning (what ever has to be done)

Yesterday my husband said to me "your lucky I don't leave you........if I was another type of guy I would leave you"

I feel terrible..........he has never said that to me before & I am so depressed!

Just had to vent & thanks for listening.

Posted 5/13/2013 1:39 PM (GMT 0)
What an utterly heartless, uncaring, selfish, and loveless thing he said to you. Hoping it was a one time slip if he's feeling under pressure. If he was speaking a true thought from his heart, I feel terrible for you.

I could never, ever say anything like that to my wife.

I waited her hand and foot last year when her back went out, and despite my own horrid medical condition, I never once complained to her. With all my CP and fatigue, it was all I could do to tend to her every need, let alone deal with myself. But I wouldn't have it any other way.

She still remembers this clearly many months later, and it just showed her how much I really loved her. Love is action, not cheap words.

I hope he comes to his senses, and apologizes profusely to you, you didn't deserve to be told anything that cruel and hurting.

hugs,

david
Posted 5/13/2013 1:40 PM (GMT 0)
Hello Minnie.

Please don't let this go! Talk it out now and don't let it simmer under the surface as it will only come to an eventual head and things will be said in anger that can't be taken back.

Tell him truthfully how hurt you were and how already inadequate you feel for having to do it all but that you cannot help the physical problems preventing you from doing more.

Let him know how much you appreciate all he is and does.

Whatever you do don't remain silent, keep the lines of communication open. He most likely doesn't mean it that way and just wants to be reassured that he is appreciated and important to you.
Posted 5/13/2013 2:01 PM (GMT 0)
When he said that I answered him with "how can you say that to me, I would never say that to you"

I told him also "remember when you have bouts of gout pain, had surgery for a hernia & sick who took care of you?"

& he said "yeh but my pain went away, I have been dealing with your pain for years"

I am so depressed now & I feel useless again

Thanks for listening.

I know he has had a tough week due to he did have a gout attack this week for 2 days, took his meds & the pain went away.  Then also he has been working out of town.  He goes all the way from here in Pa to Long Island NY a 3 hour trip & sometimes a 4 hour trip home with traffic.  He comes home 3 times a week & stays with his aunt for 2 nights & home on weekends.

Posted 5/13/2013 2:10 PM (GMT 0)
Hello mimmie1960! I hope my response to your post is welcome. Sometimes we do just need to vent! So here it goes, I'm so sorry that your husband said that to you! He obviously does not realize how hurtful that is. Severe pain is so isolating. No one can understand unless you have experienced it. I have also been hurt and depressed by my husbands words and actions during my own recent times of severe pain. It's hard enough to cope with the situation we are in! One thing that helped me was to pray for my husband. I am not the only person affected by this. My husbands life has also been turned upside down by my health issues. I typically handle most everything at home. Not only has he had to take on more than usual, he has a wife in severe pain that he cant fix. Once I started praying for him (as well as myself), we were both able to handle the situation a little better. Not perfect by any stretch but a little better.

I hope your doctor is able to find a solution to your pain!

I hope you get relief soon!
Posted 5/13/2013 5:41 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Ms Lyza,

Your reply to my post is very welcomed !

I spoke to my friend today & told her what my husband said, she said she can't believe it

She also told me that I was not alone & told me that her sister-in-law had 3 back surgeries & she still spends most of her time in bed & doesn't go out much.  Her husband is retired now & he is happy that he retired & he can be home with her.   I didn't ask what back surgeries she had.

My husband thinks surgery is the answer.

The neuro surgeon I had in the past didn't want to rush into surgery because everytime I had a new mri done he saw improvement but was first talking to me about fusion.

Then when I moved went to a new neuro surgion, had a mylogram, got the results back & told me there was nothing he could operate on, then I went to PM

Sorry I am a horrible speller

 

Posted 5/13/2013 6:07 PM (GMT 0)
Minnie just vent away. I know it really tore at your heart when your husband made that comment, but please try not to take it heart. I think when we are ill & do not feel good, any kind of a negative comment is much worse for us. I wish he had not said it to you though. Maybe that was his way of venting too.

Try to concentrate on getting yourself to feeling better. Men are fixers & do not always understand what chronic pain is like if they do not have it, no one understands it like the person living with it. He could be scared too for you,wondering if you will get worse or something like that. Don't get me wrong,I am not making excuses for him, there is no excuse for what he said.

Take care of yourself.....Susie
Posted 5/13/2013 7:24 PM (GMT 0)
Minnie - I hope your current doctor will be able to discover why you're having so much pain.

I can only speak for myself when I say that surgery was my only option. I am struggling through the recovery phase but my pain is much better than it was before surgery. I had a cervical fusion 6 weeks ago.

My mother has had two lower back surgeries. She did not have a fusion. Her intense pain was relieved with each surgery. She now struggles with pain when she is on her feet too much.

I hope you are able to get in to see your doc soon!!

Take care!
Posted 5/13/2013 9:22 PM (GMT 0)
My wife and I both have CP, mine from PCa therapy and hers from DDD,rotten knees that are waiting for replacement and torn ligaments, muscles in rt. shoulder rotator cuff (1 st surgery failed, had to have second and is still healing). We deal with each others pain by love and patience. Also, we have been seeing a great psychiatrist for almost 9 years now. We see him for two hours just twice a year for a mental health report and to pick up our psychoactive Rxs. That two hour talk. having a well trained third party listen to our views,helps so much. This isn't counseling on a weekly basis, just a mental health checkup, think about giving it a try. . . . Q
Posted 5/14/2013 12:22 PM (GMT 0)
Hi All

My husband called me 3 times yesterday to ask how I was doing & came home last night & was very caring.

Woke up with sciatica but kept moving to do my morning chores (letting dogs out, feeding etc.)

Has anyone ever tried accupuncture for sciatica?

Really appreciate all the replies & hope everyone is feeling as well as they can.

Valerie

Posted 5/14/2013 12:34 PM (GMT 0)
 We seem to have similar histories and I worry that my husband is having the same thoughts and not saying it.  It may seem ean or heartless, but it may just be honesty. (which can sometimes suck) Maybe some couple time to talk and reconnect emotionally(I get not physically) My husband started taking me out to breakfast every sunday morning. It has been a great way to keep connected and no one has to cook or clean! I don't know if this helps, but at least we aren't alone in the boat:)
Posted 5/14/2013 3:43 PM (GMT 0)
 Maybe take out and a rented movie? Just something to do together that doesn't envolve pain and/or care. Just brain storming because we have been married 31 years and I worry this will drive him away. My husband is VERY athletic and competes in water skiing tournaments. I worry he will feel saddled with his crippled old wife!
Posted 5/14/2013 3:54 PM (GMT 0)
We have been married 31 yrs too!  Celebrated it on May 1st !

Just got take out italian food though.

We do rent movies & watch them together

I know what you mean, my husband is very active not with sports but just very active.

I hate the nights where I will be alone because he is working in NY we live in Pa.  He came home last night but tonight & thursday nights he does not come home.  Stays over his aunts house in Long Island NY.

 

Posted 5/14/2013 4:53 PM (GMT 0)
Our situations are soooooo similar! A kindred spirit is always a welcome surprise! Hanging in there! Is it Thursday Yet? :-)
Posted 5/14/2013 8:18 PM (GMT 0)
I'm going to be 53 in august

How is your pain today?

I'm suffering from bad sciatic pain today that just won't go away!  Everyday its something!

Thursday will be here soon.

Posted 5/15/2013 12:02 PM (GMT 0)
good morning kindred spirit! I hope today is better for you!  
Posted 5/15/2013 12:21 PM (GMT 0)
I just turned 54 in March.  I have no discs in my lower 3-4 spaces. It is complicated by arthritis and a trapped nerve. I have had 3 surgeries, but they weren't successful. Day 3 seems better. I am at school but teaching from a chair as walking is very painful! I am a huge believer in the power of a womans mind! "If I have to I can do anything!" Helen Reddy my life theme song!
Posted 5/15/2013 3:22 PM (GMT 0)
Since i do not know your husband I can not say for certain why he said those things to you but going on the assumption that he is like most men those comments may have been born out of frustration and not for the reason you may think. It is possible that he is not frustrated with you but rather with himself because he can't fix your problem and make you feel better.

Guys are fixers, and we tend to become very frustrated when we encounter a problem that we either can't fix ourselves or find someone who can fix it.

It is also possible that he meant that comment to be supportive and it came out wrong. It really doesn't take much tweaking of that comment to see where it could mean: I take my role as husband and our vows seriously and unlike some or a lot of guys I am going to stay with you no matter what.

Like I said I don't know your husband so I can only offer theories and I thought since most of the replies so far is assuming it was meant as it was said, which is a possibility, that I would offer up a positive counter point.
Posted 5/15/2013 6:41 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Care

I woke up with less pain this morning.

As the day goes on I am starting to feel more uncomfortable, no sciatic pain today but back pain & tightness.

I think what my other problem is being inpatient waiting for this pain to subside.

Hope your day went well.

Posted 5/15/2013 6:47 PM (GMT 0)
Hi jim1969

My husband has been better

I think he said what he said because he was overwelmed this past weekend, he tries to do everything in one day!

Not making excuses for him because he shouldn't have said what he said.

I have to admit I have said things to him when I was frustrated in the past that I shouldn't have said.

But I think this chronic pain is making me especially sensitive.

Posted 5/15/2013 7:24 PM (GMT 0)
That's natural too. We already feel guilty that were lagging and not getting things done like we did pre-cp and then someone we care about remarks on it we get even more guilty.

You will find keeping our self esteem up off the floor is one of our biggest challenges.

Remember you didnt ask for this life,you would change it for sure if you could and your doing the very best that you can.

Remind him often how much he's appreciated and never stop telling him how important he is to you. Soothe his soul and the times you feel well make it up to him.
Posted 5/16/2013 11:14 AM (GMT 0)
Hey Minnie! Glad to hear you woke up better, hope the rest of the day went well.I saw the ortho yesterday. He shot my knee up with cortizone and lidocane so it fels better, but he wants a nurologist to find out why it gives out and I fall. I feel like I'm starting a merry-go-round ride(another doctor???!!!) but on the upside relief is only 8 hours away!
Posted 5/16/2013 12:29 PM (GMT 0)
Minnie - don't know what "type of guy" that he is referring to, but
It is definitely not a " Man."
A real man has the strength of character to
Honor his wife !

Josh
Posted 5/17/2013 12:33 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Care,

Happy to hear you are feeling better.  My sister-inlaw received injections in her knees & she felt better.

I felt okay this morning but by 4pm  I was in pain again & layed down.

I know what you mean about the merry-go-round dr. visits.

I know I am going to have to go through the same thing.

Minnie

Posted 5/17/2013 4:26 PM (GMT 0)
Hey Minnie,

         You made it til 4:00! yea! yesterday was only 2:00! Even if tomorrow is 1:00 you are up and moving. You don't sound as down as you did at the beginning of this thread. I hope that means you are enjoying the good hours you have. My principal wants me to go to 1/2 days because of the falling, so I think starting next week I'll go home early 2-3 times a week. The school year is almost over so maybe this will get me through these last few weeks.

Hope you have a low pain weekend !

care????

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