Coexisting on a Support Forum

Hello CP Friends,

I've had some thoughts lately and wanted to share. Thanks for hearing me out.

At the moment, we've got a pretty equal mixture of long-time members and more recent members.... Off and on over the last few months, I think many of us have noticed tension brewing on the board. I'm wondering if we can attempt to keep this a productive thread and maybe figure out some ways to diffuse some of the tension.

The fact is - emotion, tone - and most importantly - intent is very hard to decipher across the computer. Person A might write something w/ all good intentions and Person B takes it completely the wrong way. How do we solve that issue?

Not everyone is going to best friends and that's just life. But we all have to find a way to coexist peacefully.

I think that the mods and members have mentioned several ways to deal w/ issues that arise.

First, try to just overlook the bothersome posts. However - if necessary - you can literally put the member on "ignore" (yes, there's a button for that). One note: Moderators cannot put members on ignore. That sort of defeats the purpose of moderating a forum if you can't see everything

If that tactic isn't working, please e-mail a moderator. Our forum is fortunate enough to have several active mods and we all have our e-mail listed. We are all happy to help you try to find a positive outcome to whatever issue there may be.

So, those are my tips for "conflict resolution"......

What doesn't work, though, are underhanded comments.... passive aggressive remarks clearly meant for a particular member.... "flaming" someone (although I personally hate that word!)..... and so forth. Those type of things do NOT promote a positive forum.

We do not all have to agree on things in order to get along. I personally like that we all bring different slants to things. I don't even consider a "debate" to be a bad thing, as long as it's kept to the issue at hand and no personal attacks.

Cautiously, I'm asking if we might be able to discuss things on this thread - without singling ANYONE out. If we can keep it generalized, maybe we might be able to air some issues out and make things more positive here on the board.

Thanks for reading this.... and I look forward to hearing your input.
With good intentions,
--Tina

Let me add that while veteran members have gotten to know the diversity of personalities on the board, it is important that we take due care when interacting with new members.

They don't yet know who's who and so even if challenged by just one person, they may immediately feel unwelcome. Veteran members may learn that it isn't worth responding to those whose comments they find disparaging or otherwise inappropriate, but new members are more likely to react by just seeing the board as a whole as hostile.

So, please remember that new members, in particular, are likely to be in a vulnerable "space", and sought out this board because they aren't getting the support they need from those around them. So, please, let's try to be especially kind and supportive to our newest members.

It is really hard talking in text. The other day I asked my husband a question in text. He answered "fine". He thought the matter was settled and went to take a shower. I read that fine as FINE. Then he stopped responding. So I think he is mad. Huge misunderstanding. Then I got all defensive. But even with some one I tale to every day it can happen.

All a lot of good points in this thread.

Lessons I have learned from nearly 5 years at the PC group, can easily apply here.

People have to learn to agree, to disagree, and do so in peace.

A snide, underhanded remark is just as damaging as an open obvious "flame", but in some ways, more cowardly

Don't type anything here, that you wouldn't say to the person's face if it were possible, its easy to get brave behind a key board.

In a peer-to-peer forum like HW, total respect person to person is imperative, no one is a medical expert and no one has a monopoly on the truth and the answers

Opinions are just that, opinions. Some of course are more qualified by experience and/or education than another person, but opinions, none the less, belong to each poster

Common courtesy goes a long way, and what is unique in HW Chronic Pain, is that all of us are experienced with different degrees of pain, and sometimes, despite our best restraints, the pain is doing the talking when we get upset. Since we all know about pain, we should remember our own bad pain days, and cut the other person some slack, as they may be having an even worse pain day.

Finally, yes, the "ignore" feature of HW. I only started using it in the past few months, and I use it sparingly. I really don't fully embrace it, but its better than letting a poster that gets under your skin constantly - from getting you upset. If you don't see what is being posted, then you aren't going to get upset.  If the "unseen" poster is saying things they shouldn't be saying, it will make it easier for a moderator to spot it and take care of it without your involvement.

Just like any other "family", no one gets along with everyone perfect, 100% of the time, we are all human, and all have our flaws and idiosyncrasies.

Live and let live is a good motto. Stopping while I am ahead, starting to sound like a fortune cookie, lol.

David in SC

Post Edited (Purgatory) : 8/8/2013 8:41:00 PM (GMT-6)

I love that Hades saying WB!


I hope I haven't said anything to hack anyone off. I feel very oblivious to any drama that has cropped up...



I had to edit a word out, we have a forum rule concerning language, as we never know the ages of people reading these posts we need to keep them clean. Healing Well is a family oriented web site. Thanks.....Susie

Post Edited By Moderator (straydog) : 8/9/2013 12:49:29 PM (GMT-6)

I personally think compared to what I as a mod have seen on some of the other forums we do really well here in CP.

We have a really awesome group of old and new members that get along relatively well. It's definitely a warm and welcoming place, thus the sheer amount of folks who pop in here looking for compassion, support, and answers.

Considering the burden pain and its issues place on us we do well and don't bite too many heads off! Well most days.

The thing to remember every time you login is everyone here has issues, especially pain but personal struggles too and their username or profiles don't put those out here. Knowing that I have to remind myself that something I say to someone or in a thread could cause a bad reaction or just "hit a nerve ". I certainly didn't do it intentionally and can't imagine any of us would, those types of folks usually show themselves early and dealt with per HW rules.

Its not personal, its not me, it means simply something was taken out of the contexts in which it was meant for whatever reasons.

I have no way of knowing whose crying in pain here as you type, I've no idea you just had a big blow-up at home, I have no clue that your a millionaire or your sitting in McDonald's using their wifi because your living in a homeless shelter. I only know the things you allow me to.

I try to keep all that in mind everytime I enter the cyberdoor.

We are by far not a right and wrong forum, nor a medical info one. We are just a place where friends gather with like issues and decades of trials and errors in pain and its ever changing issues.

If your asking us for information that's what we're going to be able to give you, only what we've experienced upon this journey. You can take what's useful and leave anything that isn't. If you need medical help then you seek that thru the proper places, now if you need help finding those proper places and the best place to start? That's something we can give you.

If you need guidance on where to go for answers? Well from experience we can help. If your having trouble dealing with this life as a CPer? Well you're going to hear how those whom lived with it years did it. May not be how you're going to get through it but it's comforting to see others doing it.

If you need a prayer or hug? We've got your back. If you ask for answers and opinions be prepared for folks who are individuals from all walks of life dealing with issues you don't know about, with personalities and cultures different from yours to answer. Maybe not the answers in the way you wanted them? Diversity is what also gives you the broadest choices.

Peace to all.

Great Thread Tina.I've been on several different Message Boards since 2003.Almost all are College Football Boards or Fark Boards(photo shop).
Every Forum I've been a part of had rival posters.I guess this Board is no different.
I'm new so I'm just still kind of taking it all in.I've enjoyed my time here so far.

I've always tried to Post like I talk.I've had the same Username,"tidalmouse",since 2003.I've only been Banned from 1 board and it was an Auburn Board.

LOL Tidalmouse...I avoid the Gator board like the plague. One word out of my mouth and I'd be banned for eternity. This Georgia Bulldog is in the minority down here in FL. College football is worse than the NFL by FAR when it comes to rivalries IMO.

Sorry OP didn't mean to get off topic...just couldn't help it...Lol.

Thanks for starting this Tina.

I have been reading in the past...
HW has worked for me. All of you have been very supportive and I appreciate it. I consider you my family.

Just to add to Sherrie's point and very good example...
Sometimes we may write something and mean one thing, but when you read it, you may think something else completely different from what we're trying to say.

Everyone's interpretation is different.

Maybe, if we read a post once and we feel offended by what we think it means, we should read it over and try to interpret it differently. If we don't understand, I think we can feel free to ask what it means, etc...
Just my thoughts.

Thanks

UA

I don't have anything to add, except that I feel like ya'll are my family, and I love each and every one of you. You're all so understanding, compassionate, loving, it goes on. If I get offended at something, I reread the post, and try to reinterpret it. If it doesn't work, then i just go on, and try not to worry about it. I'm not one to argue, as you all can tell. I just love coming here and supporting others, and getting support from others.

I hope you're all having a low pain day.

love and hugs
Loretta

If I might add in a couple thoughts...

In addition to what others have already written if you are truly feeling that a particular member is really being hurtful to other CPers, you can either try to privately message the person (if they use HW mail or post their email address -- try clicking on their name to find out) OR you can privately message one of the CP moderators or the Site Administrator. All moderators are required to have their email account posted in their profile, just click on their name.

As to our own posts, it can sometimes be hard not to respond when another member posts a generalization we know isn't true for ourselves & possibly others we know or have met. However, HW is primarily designed to be a place to seek/give support. Part of giving support includes sympathizing with others by sharing our experiences with others. I think we do an AMAZING job of that here on HW's CP forum. Truly. Another part of giving support can sometimes include sharing information/advice. I know I personally have benefited a number of times from people who did just that. HW CPers have a lot of experience and personal knowledge about a huge range of symptoms, diagnoses & treatments and that is a wonderful feature of our forum. One area in which we might be able to improve is "reality checking" another member. It's a bit harder to classify that as "support". Not to say it's never the case, but just maybe take a step back & really search your heart for a minute or two. Is the "reality check" being done out of support or simply because we feel condemned, hurt or slighted by another's comments?

That said, I don't think most members come to this site with the purpose of slighting people. We veterans, in particular, need to take the lead to publicly encourage everyone & privately help coach a new member from time to time to help them learn the ropes. We were all new members at one point -- trying to sort through our pain & personal problems. Facing family, friends & co-workers who diminished or dismissed our pain. We knew what was true for us, but hadn't had experience talking about pain/treatments with other CPers yet. We fought for our opinions because we felt it was the only way for people to accept that our suffering is real. We fought for our opinions because we didn't yet understand that different people may legitimately have the polar opposite of our response. And yes, sometimes we fought simply because we were misinformed. I know as a New Member I never responded positively to members publicly pointing out my flaws. I'd dig in to my position even stronger. It was only by seeing others positively interact in spite of differing opinions, receiving really supportive responses that said they knew my pain & suffering were real and believed me that I'd had such bad reactions to some medications, and writing back and forth PMs with a Veteran Member who shared ideas about how to cope with conflicting information (I SO wanted meds & surgery decisions to be straightforward -- good or evil -- choices! lol). Well, anyways, that's what worked for me.


Glad to see others sharing & hope to see more responses coming in!

Lahaina,

Not sure if you commented or not, buuuuut,.....I particularly am fond of your name because I previously lived on Maui, in Iao Valley, at the foot of the Needle. (Last house before the climb).


Sookie