Sex TMI

SB,

Very well stated. I fully agree. It's an easy cop out to resort to such an excuse as "not getting it at home." How lame.

If a spouse strays and uses that as an excuse, there's much more going on in the marriage that's being ignored than the bedroom.

If people backed out of relationships any time things got difficult, they would spend their life never growing, never learning, never achieving what's realized within a real marriage when communication is present.

Silly rabbits.


Merrida

:)

"I hope someone of you don't lose your spouse. I only say this because neglect usually causes one to stray. Kick that "I don't feel desirable" garb and take care of your spouse. Sorry, to be this direct but it needs to be said. Trust me I'm going through the same as all of you but it doesn't mean my wife has to suffer. It's your meds playing a huge roll in your life. When feeling good skip a round of meds and be with your husband / wife."

JP- I don't think any of us purposefully "neglect" our significant others...or even make the conscious decision not to be intimate. Also, a person can still have a sexual relationship with their partner and not feel desirable. Just because I might not *feel* sexy, doesn't mean I'm not having sex or taking care of my partner. This thread has attracted so many of us because we ARE worrying about how to best please that special someone. I understand where you're coming from and you're right, an unhappy partner is more likely to stray. But I doubt many of us need the reminder.

This has been a very insightful thread with a lot of honesty. This is a hard subject to talk about for each and everyone of us. It's good to know that others who suffer with chronic illnesses and pain do have this in common. Communication between spouses or partners is very important but not all couples communicate well.

I agree with WB when he said it takes two in the relationship with this situation. I know that I've been married going on 29 years now. My spouse, takes into consideration my health and how I'm feeling ALL the time. Even when I know he's been neglected, if he's under the impression that I'm not doing well, then it's a no go. You can't force your partner if they feel it's not in your best interest to be intimate with them.

Also, just to reference the get over "I don't feel desirable" is a whole lot easier said than done. I've gained weight and I've got terrible purple straya marks from my many many years of steroids, the hump on back, my huge moon face I can even cope with. However, when I know that I HAVE to wear oxygen and even with it on, that my face and neck turn purple and my lips turn blue just taking a shower. I can only imagine what my face looks like being intimate. So trying to feel desirable at that moment is impossible for me. I'm sure that's the case for many folks who have serious lung and breathing issues. Trust me too just laying there isn't a man's idea of a good time either.

Being the wife of a retired military man who has served in combat, I'm very very lucky my hubby wasn't physically injured in Iraq or Afghanistan. However, if he would have been injured and was in the position of a couple of the young men at the military hospital I go to, I wouldn't have left him no matter what. I personally know of two very young men that have lost all their limbs.

I overheard one of the all limb amputees talking to another double amputee and he was talking that he'll never be able to be intimate and won't be able to have children with his wife. He said he couldn't understand why she's sticking around to be with him, he had ZERO things to offer her. She stays with him because she loves him though, IMHO, or at least that's what I hope.

Yes, sex is a big part of a marriage/relationship but if one of the partners can not have sex, it doesn't necessarily mean the marriage/relationship is going to fail. There are other factors in the marriage/relationship that can and will keep it together.

Hugs,
Barbara

I'm hoping this topic remains "OK'd".

While my problem areas are not my abdomen, they are my groin and low back. And believe it or not, my MIL was the one who brought this up.... Used for a different purpose entirely, they make pillows designed to tip the pelvis which is "supposed" to assist in conception. Beats me, but I noticed that it actually alters the angle of my pelvis sometimes just enough to sufficiently reduce the pain.

Treading lightly here, but sometimes, switching positions so he's on his back, gives ME more control, over every aspect, and that can greatly reduce pain as well.

I'm just throwing some options out there because those of us whose intimacy levels are impacted by our pain are eager to learn of any new possibilities we may not have been aware of before.

My $0.02


Merrida

I have one extremely strong and vital tip for everyone when it comes to this subject, whether you're in the "early stages" or "advanced stages" or somewhere in-between. It applies to both men and women, and to the best of my knowledge, it doesn't exclude anyone or any condition.

Core strengthening is vital. Be very cautious of "back strengthening exercises" because, from experience, I can attest to the fact they do not take into consideration some specific, and serious, back conditions which would make these exercises unsafe.

Above all, no matter if you're in good shape or not so good shape, FORM and TECHNIQUE are absolutely crucial to every single exercise. Again, for both men and women, doing very slow and controlled abdominal exercises (crunches don't really count and can sometimes cause more pain), but also, (women we're already familiar with this one, especially if we've given birth), but kegal exercises. Men and women both benefit from doing them WHILE doing abdominal exercises,...(oh heck, let's face it, you can do them in the grocery line for all that matters, or when you're stuck in traffic).

The pelvic floor has a "sling" that is somewhat like a hammock. When our back is compromised, when we gain weight, especially in the belly, it's similar to over-filling a hammock...not only does that hammock stretch, but where it attaches, also pulls and weakens.

Your abdominal muscles are one of the most crucial things to maintain when it comes to supporting and strengthening your back, as well as maintaining a safe and healthy sex life. Everything originates from our pelvis and we cannot do much if the integrity is compromised.

Even if you have knee or neck problems, think of how your posture overall is altered and compensated. Everything is connected. To those who stuck it out long enough to read through all this, if you take nothing else away, I do hope to impress upon at least some of you what I've learned in the decades of my experience with this.


In health,


Merrida