Marriage and relationships while dealing with CP

Well, as a 'newbie' to CP, I'm still trying to see how (and if, really) I can manage my marriage with this condition. It affects everything as you know.

I'm lucky to have a very, very patient and supportive husband but the truth is I'm scared it's not going to last. He swears it will ("in sickness and in health", you know), but I know it's hard on him.

I know this is a very personal and perhaps painful topic for some of you, but I also know most of you have been through this. For those that are married, how has your CP affected this relationship?

What about your other close relationships with other family members or friends? I know that many of us are divorced or have had to sever other relationships and that stemmed partly from our CP and how it affects relationships.

I am rapidly approaching the point where I'm afraid I won't be able to leave the house for extended periods of time - right now because of this awful PGAD thing I am having. The way things have been going for me, my symptoms and issues are like whack-a-mole. I smash one down and another pops up.

I could use some help on how to manage these relationships when I can no longer live up to the expectations that I had created for myself. I'm the do-er, I do everything in my household pretty much.

My husband is a law student (in his 40s ... he was a print journalist but that field is dying so rapidly he had to get a new marketable skill)

And then dealing with adjusting to the new way I have to be "mom" is hard, too, but I suppose that's another topic altogether! My kids really don't have the option of leaving, LOL, and I try as hard as I can to minimize the effects of my illness on them.

I searched all the way through page 7 and didn't find anything. Keywords? When I put in "relationships" and "marriage" I get about 1,000 results, LOL - and none of the first ones are on the CP page. I guess I was hoping to get everyone's perspective anyway.

I've been married 20 years in a few weeks and it's not easy.  We both work fulltime but my wife is like super Mom, after a long hard day she comes home, cooks, does homework with the boys, etc.  I on the other hand can only help out when I can.  She's fine with the way things have been going.  We do lots of date nights (boys are older now) and that's all she wants, a time out to get away from it all. 

It's really a fine line and I understand why people split up because of these conditions.  I think it's worse for a female to live like this because a guy doesn't have the patience to stick around.  I know that's a terrible thing to say but I'm being honest.

Check out page 3," argument with hubby over limitations" by BeachBumCindy.

Just a few thoughts: believe your husband, trust him and love him. Who knows? Next year you may be healed and he may be in pain. Do you have any doubts what you would do? Dealing with your CP could be less of a problem for him than dealing with your fears that he won't stay. It's fine to ask for opinions here. You have started some great discussions. So, like others have said, let this site be part of your therapy while you and your husband live out the 'in sickness and in health' TOGETHER.

Two years ago my husband had a tough battle with kidney stones, he had to go through having a few stents put in, was in the hospital a few times. It was tough on me, but I had to take care of the three kids all by myself for about 3 months.

But, in my case, my husband doesn't have to do this, I still do pretty much everything with the kids, he takes them one evening a week so that I can go to counseling.

It's a good idea to talk to him less about my pain, I agree. A lot of times I can't hide it though and he does notice, then he wants to help and I'm not going to turn down hugs and support, but I know it wears on him and yes, I am afraid that he will get frustrated and leave.

He swears he won't but people can only take so much, and I would understand if he did. I'm lucky in a way because he went through a really bad divorce years ago before we met (about 15 years ago) and he will likely never create a situation again where that would happen. I hope.

I do so appreciate all the experience of people on here, and now I remember that thread! I wasn't using the right words and overlooked it as I was searching.

Merrida, what do I do though to keep my "self" going? I don't have any hobbies or anything. It is hard with small kids to find ANY time for myself. I can't slow down because they need me. Rocky I know you deal with this and Vickie I know you've dealt with it in the past.

What I try to do with my husband is focus on him when we talk rather than on me. Asking him about how everything is going, and I try to do that with the friends I have, too.

I suppose this is all part of the learning curve of dealing with CP.

I worked 2 jobs raising 5 kids mostly alone long before becoming a CPer so my kids were pretty use to rules at my Mom's and different rules at home. I wasn't difficult and really only had one that we didn't cheat on and that was "Mom time " All of my children from infant through teens had to abide by my time rules. That meant that come 8 pm everyone had to go to their room, preferably bed to for the youngest and All my babies were in the crib and asleep by this time. I didn't do wear Mom out wearing yourself out thing and taught them from the beginning how to entertain themselves!! I didn't care if the older ones went to sleep at 8 or 10 but they needed to be chilling out reading, watching TV's or whatever. This was my time to do what I needed to do or wanted to do. They best not call for me unless the house was on fire and they didn't. They had to go down 15 mins earlier the next night if they did.

I use that time to clean, or read, do laundry or just take a bath. After my injury they were already in the habit of allowing Mom time and it was even more important then.

My kid's are my life but they're not the center of the universe and kid's who never learn to put themselves to sleep, calm themselves, or work through things on their own without Mom's standing over them carry that into adulthood. My daughters are all strong, independent, self supporting and all have college educations and in higher profile careers. I'm proud of who each of them have become.

Just as you can't let CP rule your marital relationship you can't let it guilt you into allowing your kid's to get a free pass from responsibility. I'm the same Mother post CP as I was before and we didn't change our life but rather changed how we lived it. We adapted we didn't sacrifice.

I was lucky enough to be their Mom and my injury didn't give me a pass on that I still was responsible for doing all that I could to ensure they had a good foundation from which to build a good life.

My husband was collateral damage you might say. As a new CPer I was still learning and he didn't stay sober long enough to wait for me to learn so he was more baggage I d didn't feel the need to carry.

Sounds like you have some great kids who are being taught well!!

Ever since you started this thread I've been trying to find a previous one that was really good. Finally found it. Pain Clinic Visit #1 by SyXx on page 6. He shares a great story of learning to tell his wife how he is feeling. Finding the right balance between too much and too little pain talk is difficult. Reread how SyXx and his wife handled this and see if it could help your family.

Hugs and support from him are great. Wishing you more.

It's been very difficult for me to maintain intimate relationships. Even when someone is understanding, there are those times when due to this illness, I just can't keep up on a consistent basis. (I'm not talking sex, just the normal relationship stuff, dates, activities, etc) Thus, I am single.

Family has been supportive, but of course, once in a while, someone has the perfect "cure", some latest fad about eating only fish or drinking 3 cups of goat-milk during a full moon. I know they mean well, but it gets tiring.

The main thing is and always has been, "You look great! Why do you say you feel bad?" - I always wish I could make them understand, but really, I can understand why they say it and don't fault them for thinking that.

Backtolife said...

MrMattyMatt said...
once in a while, someone has the perfect "cure", some latest fad about eating only fish or drinking 3 cups of goat-milk during a full moon. I know they mean well, but it gets tiring.

LOL - I'm sorry, it may not be funny to you but that was a funny way of putting it, thanks for the smile.

I meant that to be funny, but it's not very far from the truth!

My dad is coming for a visit next week and when I was talking on the phone with him a few weeks ago he was full of suggestions to help me - don't eat beans, don't drink alcohol, don't eat potato chips... He suffers from "gout" and said he is going to bring me some medication his doctor prescribed for him that's been a miracle. He couldn't tell me the name but he said it was "hard to get" and the pharmacist had to order it. I can't wait to find out what it is! I'm not sure if he just wants to show me or is actually thinking I should try it... If so, I will have to have a discussion with him about not sharing prescription medications!

Back to life allot of the same questions and problems keep coming around every now and then. and well they should, as they are important issues that all of us with chronic pain have, and sooner or later have to deal with! we had pretty good group of people back then and had some very open and honest and frank discussions about allot of the same topics of concern that are presented here today. I am not sure you will find any answers from these previous threads, but I do think there is some valuable insights that might be of help! If nothing else just knowing your not alone with your fears and concerns may be of some comfort.

White Beard