Thoughts...

So, my shoulder's killing me again. I dunno if I retore something there but I keep fighting off the need to hit an ER for the intense pain that's come with it again.

Beyond that; I'm not okay. Mom died on May 15th and I am in a constant battle between the pain and the mental and emotional pain. I know enough to tell my husband. And I've told him of every single thought of how I could hurt myself. I'm so so so tired of fighting every moment of every single day. I can fully imagine each of the ways I could go out and he wants me to see our regular doc for thoughts on what I need to do. We've also looked up the local psychiatric hospital for what they offer. I'm angry all the time and I'm taking it out on everyone I see. My throat feels like I'm screaming even though I never make a sound. And I guess, I'm hurting...grieving since I feel like I've never had my heart broken like this before (which is completely true). But I know enough to tell him of all the things I've thought of doing. However, I'm worried that if I go into the hospital...I'll miss my yearly upper and lower GI test which I've avoided rather well for the past 3 years. Do I wait to finish that up first? I'm afraid when I'm alone of myself. And in some part of myself, I'm angry that I told him how bad I am. Now he's worried which makes me feel worse since he's got enough stress on him as is. Still, I know that I'm not okay and I'm not fine and I'm not alright. I'm so tired of holding on to the edge of my lil island of maybe...while the grief and anger slowly wash away my foothold. It feels like my well of strength has dried up. I know I'm scary to people right now, so let me know if I'm scaring you. S'not like I'm not scaring me.

Thanks for the offer. I think the plus of going away for a bit would be the rest allowed. I do know the serious warning signs...seeing myself actually doing any or all of the ways I could go out. The process of the body, then the aftermath: my last shrink told me that when you get past the part where you have only the idea and instead see through the act start to finish is when you're living in that dangerous zone where the imagination stops and you start moving toward the act of doing. Every danged shrink I've called is "not accepting new patients" in the past six months of searching for help. I know I'm dangerous to myself. It's more then becoming the "matriarch". I could figure out a way to handle that except that I'm the youngest in my close family. That means not a single one actually listens to the words I say. I know I'm hanging on a ledge by my fingernails. I know that I needed to tell my support of my thoughts. I can see myself hooking the hose to the exhaust and into the van. I can see the gun and the shot. I can see the bottles of sleeping pills. I know I'm a danger and in danger. But I am fighting that side of myself. As for the antidepressants...I'm currently on Cymbalta which has never really touched the depression, it just supposedly helps with the fibromyalgia pain. I am trying to reach out instead of fully isolating but I want to rest and actually get rest. I think I should be away for a bit b/c I am a danger to myself. I know it which's what made me tell my husband. So, we'll see.

I'm trying. When I first had to deal with the PTSD I had, that's when I was seeing a shrink when I went back to college b/c I was flying into these rages. She told me the symptoms of where and when I become a danger. I hate it. I hate this. My mother. You know, I'm not sure how many days I spent wishing she was dead and out of her misery. She was in agony for years...years where I was her "slave" as my sister said. I took care of her. But I never knew that after she was gone, it would feel like my heart was broken simply because the only other person in my family who understood, truly understood what I go through, was her. I don't believe that Ma would truly want me to be so constantly in pain. See, that's what kills me. Consider both sides of the situation: It is better to put an animal down when it is constant pain; but when it's a human it's a whole other story. It's considered selfishness if the person commits suicide. BUT, making that person stay alive and in constant, neverending pain is NOT a selfish motive from the view of those who supposedly love the person. And I'm trying to just tread water and keep my head above the tide. I have to make it through this month. And by then, I might spend a little time somewhere where i can get help in my own mind on the battle against the pain. As I've said, I love my husband. My last shrink worked him into my therapy since we're so...connected and "in love". So, when I know that I'm like this, battling to breathe through the physical and emotional pain, I can turn to him and be truthful. I start to hate myself for this, for making him have even more stress and issues....but I know I need the lifeline. So, every day is the breathe, breathe, breathe....and he knows if I can't take it, he can take me to the ER for enforcement. That last shrink sure was a devious woman, no?!

Thanks for the thoughts and your own honesty. Find someone you can be truthful with. Sometimes, you're trying to stay above the tide...and someone comes along and helps you stay there too.

resources will be made available to you and hubby via going to the er (mental health teams really help) yes sooner the better. many healing thoughts.

no invalidation or disrespect-please know that identifying methods can be traumatic to some.