So true, so hilarious.

Fellow Crohnies who hold down full time jobs,

We all know the feeling of taking the dreaded Poop At Work (cue scary music).

I could not resist posting the following...because it is so darn true...! I admit, I am guilty of pretty much everything on this list...!!

Some of you may have read this before, but for those who haven't, enjoy. :)


"We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING

When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled.

Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY

The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

JAILBREAK

When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH

The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME

Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER

A colleague who poops at work and is darn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)

A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.


SAFE HAVENS

A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR

Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH

A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE

A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON

A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET

A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED

A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees."

I must admit I've almost perfected the Art of Crop Dusting.......................almost, I just have to work on my family always assuming it is me, oh and prevailing winds, get that one sussed and I'll be home free.

Been there, done that!

LOL All of it is sooo true! Thanks for the laugh!

I think I am slowly becoming an Out Of The Closet Pooper (not that I take in reading material, just that I am starting to care less and less about if people know it was me), just because it's like, "You know what, I have Crohn's so gimme a break...!"

Our bathrooms at work are pretty big (7-10 stalls), so I figure they really can't KNOW it was you (it could have been someone who just left! :)

I also think they should add one more type of person (This happens to me All the time in public restrooms):

"SPACE INVADERS

Person who, when entering a bathroom with 10+ stalls, inevitably chooses to to use the one directly beside you so you have no "buffer" stalls for privacy. This breach of personal pooping space can cause much distress to the pooper, and all relief is halted until the SPACE INVADER leaves the bathroom."

Hahaha. Ah, gotta laugh at yourself.

This is Great.



Thanks for the laugh today.

How about.....how to break the CELL PHONE USER in the next stall!....Proceed with VERY LOUD bowel sounds as soon as they ask their caller, "So what are you up too"?

When roaming around the store...find the toy section complete with children. Let that fart go and run around the next corner! Works very well for parents whose children have done this in the past!

When at home...blame it on the dog! You know you would win the contest with FIDO anyway!

The main circumstance I hate....everyone in my office knows I have CD. Some jerk used the bathroom nearest to my office, which is a private bathroom, then promptly left the bathroom without using spray or the fan! Of course you know everyone thought it was ME!

Oh, and here is my favorite! Most everyone in the family knows of my CD and sometimes how long I can be in the bathroom. Mother-in-Law becomes overly concerned when I am in there to long so with a house full of extended family over the holidays she proceeds to the bathroom door and loudly shouts, "Are you okay"? Hissssss, how stupid can you get! I know her intent was well meaning, but.....