How do you handle inappropriate comments

Frankly, I don't see anything wrong with your responses. They were truthful and candid. I think she was trying to compliment you in a clumsy way, and I think you set matters straight with facts. Nothing wrong with that. You can't be responsible for any embarassment the woman may have felt.

Hello my friend,  Be kind to yourself, you let it out............you know when people keep making comments they sometimes set themselves up for the truth and they own the problem of knowing when to say," I am sorry, having a chronic disorder cannot be easy."  Then move on to another topic. 

Throw out the guilt, you are just human and extremely kind. All my life people have felt they have the right to say inappropriate comments to me so I understand this problem.  One day I just bit back at someone that had been doing this to me for 10 years, I decided she was really not a friend and I had been allowing her to be disrespectful to me.

I did not handle it the best way but her mouth fell open and I just kept on walking.  Shame on me, it felt good and yet sad too.
Hugs to you this morning and Happy Valentines Day.
Kitt

I also think you handled it well. My daughter, unfortunately, had to deal with the same type of behind-her-back comments. It's very hurtful. Good for you!

Hi Kitt, Habs et al: Ya, I think the thing that bothers me is that I didn't feel in control of disclosing. It just sort of burst out. I think that's what I need to work on. How to gracefully acknowledge this condition without waiting until I'm ready to burst. And then again, isn't it all just ego? I mean, it was the idea that she thinking that I had an eating disorder that triggered me. Why do I care whether she thought i had an eating disorder, or was just a natural ectomorph? Anyway, I'm always amazed at the common sense you all display.

It drives me crazy when people keep going on and on about how lucky I am that I'm so slender. Depending on who it is I may just ignore it or may tell them the real reason. When my friends do it though I let them have it. Usually I respond with "I'll take your fat and you can have my Crohns"! Terrible I know.......but they should know better!

Key word is perspective....knowing her for as long as you have she must know you've had CD for so long? She was proably trying to compliment you but we sometimes get very defensive about how we look because of our disease...often we think about our disease more than the people who know us do...there are plenty of overweight crohnies that deal with comments from people as well...you can't win for losing, don't sweat the small stuff.

:)

Hi Belleenstein,
First of all, I want you to know you have been so supportive to so many of us here, and you are an inspiration to me. I am 49, but I've only had my Crohn's dx since Sept. '07, and have only really suffered symptoms for a year. Still, it has been a terrible year for me adjusting to chronic pain, missing too much work and all the stuff that goes along with Crohn's. I often hear myself in my own head saying "Belleenstein has been doing this for 30 years, and she still keeps going...I can do this too!"

I have always been somewhat overweight, but I was the type of person who didn't really mind. I didn't even own a scale, and I just tried to be happy and healthy, and for the most part, I was pretty successful at both. Since I have been sick, I have lost about 15 pounds. I can't tell you how many people have come up to me to tell me how marvelous I look. It is really hard to hear...first of all I wonder if everyone was thinking I looked so terrible before, but also, if I could go back to my overweight, happy healthy self, I would in an instant!!! If it is just an acquaintance, I don't share much, and just say thanks for the compliment. But what drives me the most crazy is my extended family, who know what I have been through, and still say stupid things like they are jealous that I lost so much weight, or that I'm better off, etc. I've been feeling a little better the past week after complete hell the past few months, and my mom actually told me "now be very careful with what you eat...you don't want to be fat again." I wanted to strangle her!!~!!

In a perfect world you would have polite response to everyone, but you have earned your right to "lose it" once in awhile. I do believe that most people don't mean any harm, they just don't understand. Thanks for all you do for so many of us here!

You mentioned that you have spent a great deal of time trying to keep your Crohn's to yourself -- maybe that's why you burst out the way you did. Just a thought. I try to be pretty up-front about having Crohn's with people. Sometimes they have questions that come across rude, but are just the product of ignorance. The only way to solve that is to educate. Sometimes they ask questions for the sake of seeming polite, in which case they deserve to be made uncomfortable by a few gory details. Mostly, though, people have been understanding. I've been very fortunate with that. I still have a few folks who treat me like I'm made of spun glass, but they're a real minority, and I don't deal with them that often.

You did the right thing. You told them pretty plainly what the deal was, and if they're embarassed, it's their own problem. Sometimes I wonder about our society -- we're so intent on making sure that everyone is all "shiny and happy" (to paraphrase REM), and really, it isn't healthy. I'm not saying we should go around just insulting people, but locking things in isn't good, either. We don't want to bother anyone else with the details of our lives, other people don't want to or shouldn't want to get involved...sometimes words are like a good fart -- Grandpa always says "better the shame than the pain." It's better to let it out than get your guts in a twist hanging on to it for everyone else's sake.

I really think it is tough for the guys. For girls it is sexy to be so skinny. For guys it is looked at as wimpy. People assume they do drugs, don't work out, or worse. One guy on here once said someone thought he had AIDs. At least a lot of crohns girls are super skinny and as much as it sucks to hear "i wish I could look like you" I think it is worse to be a guy and feel that the "crohns look" is unattractive.

I apologize in advance to overweight crohnies since my post focused on skinny crohnies. But, in the overweight department I think it is tougher on the ladies than the men. Just my two sense.

belleenstein don't feel bad about your reaction, it's normal!!!!! 

Over the years of having CD I have heard many comments like "how can you loose weight so easily, tell us your secret", or "don't complain, you don't look sick at all", or when I'm super bloated because of pred "you must watch your diet, you don't look attractive with all this extra weight".  What really bothers me the most, is when I hear comments from people who theoritically know about my condition.

A few months ago I had a big fight with one of my best friends because she told me to tell her the secret of my diet (!), and how envy she was of me.  I said "try going to the bathroom 20 times a day, feeling nauseous and crap, and then come and talk to me"

If they felt for one day how we feel daily, they wouldn't even show up at work!

Christina

Thanks everyone for sharing your intersting perspectives.

Katy -- I spent the last four years, before going on disability, directing communications for a regional library system. I understand what you mean about patrons. At the library, they really see the library clerks as extensions of their family. It is very rude to be accosted about your weight, but maybe they're being rude in the way of families, because they feel a connection to you and really care. It doesn't make it any less appropriate, but ...

Sarita we are all conditioned by our culture to think about weight this way. It really is crazy ... but if slimness is one of the effects of crohn's for you, well enjoy it.

Something Pb4 said really struck me though. She quite naturally but wrongly concluded that since I'd known this woman for 35 years that she must know all about my condition. The fact is I know her, but she's not a friend and no, she knew nothing about my issues. Most people don't. It's left me questioning myself. I mean, why doesn't she know? Why have I, until now, worked so hard to keep it private? From the beginning, I think I looked at crohn's as something to be ashamed of, a weakness, that I needed to control. Part of that control was to keep it to myself or, in the case of family and close friends to minimize its effects.

In my early years as an editor a crohn's colitis chapter was getting established in my community and I had to interview the organizers. I did not disclose my relationship to the disease and eventually turned the story over to another person in the newsroom. Five years later during a hospitalization the hospital nutritionist, who had been one of the organizers, was stunned to see me as a patient. The truth is, the disease scared the crap out of me and i didn't want to be associated with it because I didn't want to see how sick people could be with this disease.

My relationship to my disease has been transformed over the last two or three years, but I guess this lingering discomfort I feel in disclosing is part of the vestiges of that former, distorted view. I told my husband last evening (over a very lovely Valentine's Dinner) that from now on I'm going to treat my crohn's the same way that i treat my address or who my parents are. If it is appropriate, I'm just going to say I have crohn's. Period. Time to stop agonizing over whether it will change how people relate to me and just own it as part of who I am. My husband, of course, says it's nobody's business. I say yes it is. It is my business and I've decided to come out of the closet.

Bell,
Sounds like you are doing great things for yourself..talking about Sarah and now your Crohn's. I grew up in a family (Jewish) where we talk about all our ailments, probably to excess! But it never occured to me to keep the Crohn's a secret...I don't see it as a personal failing, but rather a very unlucky thing that happened to me. You should never have to share something that you are not comfortable with, but I'm glad that you are becoming proud of who you are!!!