HealingWell
Search Close Search
☰

ADVICE PLEASE! Comments made at work and what to do?

Support Forums
>
Crohn's Disease
✚ New Topic ✚ Reply
❬ ❬ Previous Thread |Next Thread ❭ ❭
Posted 4/10/2008 1:28 PM (GMT 0)

Hello to all!  It has been a while since I have posted but this is a real winner and I wanted to see if anyone has any kind words of advice for me.  

I have worked in Human Resources for over 10 years now for 3 different companies.  I have been with my current employer for 4 years now, but my boss has only been here for 1 year.   I have one other co-worker who has been full time in this office for a year now and "he" (boss) is in the process of sending my co-worker to extensive training get her HR Generalist certification.  Something I have been wanting to do for several years now but there has either never been enough money in the budget or no time in the office to go.   So I question my boss last night about why he is offering this to her and not to me as well and his response was, " because you can't even get to work on time!". So basically, because she is healthy and I am not - I don't deserve the same training opportunites or the same treatment?    I am so hurt and shocked by this that I am sitting at work right now just going thru the motions.  I do not even know what to say.  This isn't the first time that something like this has happened where he has shown favoritism, but I usually just try to ignore it.   This time it was too direct and hurtful. He is aware of my disease and how it effects me so I really never thought he would say anything like that.

 I was in the process of filing paperwork to take a short term disability leave but after that comment - I do not know what to do.  

I am so hurt, shocked, scared, confused and my eyes are swollen from crying.   Any advise on how to handle this would be so appreciated.

God bless you and care for each of you.

Sallyb

Posted 4/10/2008 1:39 PM (GMT 0)
What a rude man! I'd file a harassment complaint against him since he DOES know of your illness. That is discrimination and as a member of a HUMAN RESOURCE DEPARTMENT, he should know that. My heart goes out to you because I know this has got to be extremely difficult for you. I have the exact OPPOSITE kind of boss and each time I hear stories like yours on this board, I appreciate him and my job even more. If I were you, I might start looking for a new job...look for a good 'ol STATE or FEDERAL job where State & Federal laws are really on your side.
Posted 4/10/2008 1:40 PM (GMT 0)
I would contact a lawyer. He is not following the rules.
Posted 4/10/2008 1:49 PM (GMT 0)
Are you late to work because of your disease? If so, he's aware of this right? I would start logging this behavior so you have a leg to stand on. It's not right for them to discriminate against you. I'm sorry that you are going through this. Working with this disease is hard enough, but to put up with being slighted is even worse. Have you had a review? Was this brought up in your review? Get all your information together. Here's a hug to help you through this right now! Take care of yourself, I'm truly sorry your dealing with this.
Posted 4/10/2008 1:56 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you so much! Yes, I have had a review - it sucked and was very negative because I am sick so much and doctor appointmens and such. He is aware of everything! I live 50 minutes from work - only 2 bathroom stops on that 50 min ride, so sometimes I call from the last gas station to tell him I am there and will be running late. I have used almost all of my sick and vacation time for this disease and that is why I was/am taking the leave - to try to get a grip on this whole thing. He has made other comments in the past year but nothing like this last one. I am so frustrated and tired.....
Posted 4/10/2008 2:55 PM (GMT 0)
It seems like he has no idea of what you're experiencing and doesn't even want to be bothered. I would say that you have a case against him, especially since you have been trying soo hard regardless of how you're feeling and what you're going through.

He needs a rude awakening imo.
Posted 4/10/2008 3:42 PM (GMT 0)
Sorry you are going through this. My advice would get you in more trouble though. The truth is today employers really dont care. We have become a selfish jod place..
Posted 4/10/2008 4:32 PM (GMT 0)
Sallyb, are you currently on intermittent FMLA for your illness?  If so, the time you miss because you are late should be counted towards FMLA and he cannot penalize you for that.  If you are not currently on FMLA, then you should file for intermittent asap, so your absences will be covered and your job protected.  You may also want to look into requesting special accommodation under the ADA, assuming your illness is bad enough that it would qualify as a disability.  If your special accommodation request is to allow you to adjust your work schedule to arrive late and then work late the days you need to stop on the way to work to use the restroom, they may have to allow you that, assuming your illness qualifies and that would not cause an undue hardship on the company.  Unfortunately, if you have not filed for FMLA or requested special accommodation under the ADA, you probably don't have any legal action you could take against him.  And, if he is the HR Manager or Director, there's really no one else you can complain to about him, is there?  I would definitely look into protecting yourself using FMLA or ADA.  Then, if he continues to act the way he is, you may be able to take legal action. 
Posted 4/10/2008 5:38 PM (GMT 0)
Yes, I have current FMLA paperwork filed and yes, he knows all about this disease and how it affects me. And I have had some accomocations too - like I got a laptop that I can take with me to work at home if needed, but then I was told that "it wasn't to become a habit!" so I try not to work at home because then I get treated badly the next day. My boss is aware of everything and the real killer is that he is also an attorney on top of the director of HR. And this organization uses him for legal advice constantly. Why can't he see what he is doing? I can not imagine saying something like that to someone with an illness. I am just beside myself and feel really sick today - I'm sure the stress isn't helping.
Thanks for your help!
Posted 4/10/2008 6:21 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Sally,

I think everyone has given really good advice (as usual), but I just wanted to pitch in some empathy too. I think we've all been there! I spend an hour driving in the morning (dropping off kids and then coming to work) and I am almost always late because of an unplanned stop at a gas station. It is horribly frustrating. I'll be praying for you and for your boss. Best, Melissa
Posted 4/10/2008 7:44 PM (GMT 0)
Sally, Is your day getting better? I hope so. I used to go through the same thing. I used to Substitute Teach and worry that I could make it on time and stay in the classroom. That's when my Crohn's started. Now I work from home. It has taken so much pressure off of me. Take care of yourself! Sorry your going through this. HUGS
Posted 4/10/2008 7:57 PM (GMT 0)

Hi,

His response was very unprofessional as well as dangerous from an HR standpoint.  With that being said, unfortunately reality is reality.  Being a manager myself, it is very difficult to run a team with somebody who is out often.

I wish you the best and hope all goes well.  I would definitely pursue action with that comment as you now have proof of what he is thinking.

Sincerely,

Lenny

Posted 4/10/2008 7:58 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you so much for asking Crohn'snme! I so appreciate the support. No, the office has been really quiet today - no one saying anything! I am just glad it is almost time to go home!
Thanks again!
Posted 4/10/2008 8:01 PM (GMT 0)
As usual I'm about to step in here to play devil's advocate. I recognize that the role of this forum is to provide support and encouragement, but sometimes providing an alternative perspective seems called for too. Sally you have been passed over and that is really disappointing. It's really frustrating, especially when you feel that you are being punished for something you have little control over.

No one has addressed the issue of why you have been passed over. I am going to suggest that there is a possibility that you may be misreading your boss' motivation. I get the feeling that you view the decision as a confirmation that this guy is an unfeeling monster who is out to get you because you are sick.

Is it possible, just possible that your boss, rightly or wrongly, might have been trying to protect you from yourself. I am going to assume that, like any training opportunity, this one requires the participants to push themselves a little, get out of their comfort zone. It requires commitment and energy to learn new skills. Is it possible that your boss's decision was based on the reality that, at this time, you are struggling just to maintain your job? Is it possible your boss recognizes that it is unreasonable, at this time, to ask you to add another energy drain, time commitment, stressor to your workload? At some level you must recognize that you are struggling right now or you wouldn't be considering short term disability.

"I have used almost all of my sick and vacation time for this disease and that is why I was/am taking the leave - to try to get a grip on this whole thing."

Don't you think the people around you, your family and co-workers are also aware of your struggles?

None of this diminishes the disappointment I know you feel, but is it possible that the source of some of your tears is anger, fear and anguish stemming from having to cope with this dd. Maybe, just maybe your boss isn't the source for all your sorrow, maybe he's just convenient.
Posted 4/10/2008 8:16 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Sally,

I feel for your situation.   One thing I thought of, he may be doing things JUST within the rules.  I cant imagine he is an atty and HR director and isnt covering his own arse.    Make sure you take lots of notes on occurances of issues you have with him - including all the favoratism you let slide.   

I really have a hard time believing (i do believe you, but you know what I mean) that someone in his position would be SOOOOO blatent about going against the rules.   confused

One (devil's advocate) question. . . How often are you late because of unscheduled pit stops.   If it is once a week or more, I would suggest leaving every day with enough time to spare to make it - and if you are a 1/2 hour - 45 minutes early, you will be the good egg. 

Posted 4/10/2008 8:19 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks! I try eveyday to be on time, but the fatigue and stops make it difficult sometime...
Posted 4/10/2008 8:19 PM (GMT 0)

Belleestein, thank you for your response.  Believe it or not, I can truly relate to what you are saying.  And yes, I am plently angry about this dd and what it does and how it makes me feel.  and yes, I am well aware that my family, friends, co-workers know my struggles and I am sure they are as tired of this as I am. 

i don't view my boss as a monster by any means.  There are several other things that have happened in the office that make this comment partiularly hard.  Even our student intern, who is not privy to any of this info, asked why (boss) doesn't treat me the same as our other co-worker. Didn't really know what to tell her.

Posted 4/10/2008 8:51 PM (GMT 0)
Hey Sally -

So sorry you are having a rough day! But... I gotta agree w/ Belle on this one. The ADA requires reasonable accomodations to do your current job. They seem to be giving you those. I also have to agree w/ Mish. I have a 45 minute commute but I leave an hour or an hour and half before I have to be at work or school to ensure I can take all of the pit stops I need. If you are at the point where you are about to go on STD, you are probably not capable of handling a promotion, as horrible as that sounds. And in order to get the promotion you would have to go to a training! Could you honestly have been able to attend the training every day on time for the amount of time necessary to pass it? I know it totally sucks but I obviously have crohns and when I worked corrections my partner had a severe corn allergy that was misdiagnosed as crohns. Our supervisor made sure that neither of us were ever in a position where we were without a bathroom... However, in that line of work it is not always possible and for that reason we couldn't always work together and he would get moved to another unit. Discrimination? No... the facility still had to run, notwithstanding our illness. If your boss needs someone to do this job and you are on the verge of going out on disability, it would be silly for your company to spend the money training you and then having to train someone else in a month. It totally sucks and having a disease is the worst! But, unfortunatly, the world has to keep turning.
Posted 4/10/2008 9:37 PM (GMT 0)
I think that what most of the Devil Advocates are saying (and I am usually one of those too) is probably quite accurate this time, however, you being aware of those factors, doesn't mean it isn't really emotionally upsetting to for you deal with such comments....so i give up a hug for you also...

in other words, sometimes that all we need, is a hug, and a shoulder to lean on....sometimes knowing or understanding why things suck doesn't make dealing with it any easier....

"the worst neurosis.....the worst neurosis of all, is the consciousness of guilt, coupled with one's own seeming inability to reform the action(s) that lead to said guilt" - Charles Bukowski
Posted 4/10/2008 10:06 PM (GMT 0)
Devil's advocate here too...

First though, you deserve a pat on the back just for going to work. :-)

Look over your employee handbook, and see just what is says about being late for work.
Follow any procedures stated, like phoning them, etc. if you are to be late.
You don't want to give them any reason to build up a file on you so they could let you go.
Look into the STD some more as well, even if you don't use it now, it is good experience to learn as much as possible for the future, just incase.

Take Care
Posted 4/11/2008 12:52 AM (GMT 0)
I just want to add - I think it is GREAT that you had the courage to ask your boss why you were passed over. A lot of people, especially ladies (including me) have trouble with confrontational conversations at work. I hate asking for a raise... I think its great you didn't just stew over it but actually asked.
Posted 4/11/2008 1:41 AM (GMT 0)

I understand your frustration. I conveniently got Crohn's after getting my MBA, yet I refuse to let it interfere with my career goals. But I am always late in the morning.

For the last three years at two different jobs, my bosses have made appalling comments about "my condition" in addition to threats to put my on probation for my tardiness. They can't get past it, and I kind of understand, because being late makes you look like you don't care about your job. Despite my above-average performance and ability, I still can't get there on time. And bosses need reliable people, and they need them there when they need them.

So I have a letter from my Dr. on file with HR that lists brief details of Crohn's and my need for flexibility as flare ups are unpredictable, and often exacerbated with stress. In the note, my Dr. stressed the term "gainfully employed."

I try not to fall back on having Crohn's because I don't feel it is anyone's business. And after enough conversations with my angry bosses, it seems their frustration eases if I open up a little about what it feels like to have this disease - how I drag myself out of bed in the morning to lay in the shower, bringing in my breakfast to try to multi-task. And what it feels like to be in a 6-hour meeting and how it feels to have to interrupt them with my constant bathroom breaks.

The point I am trying to make is be honest and sincere with your boss about your condition. Tell him his comment made you feel bad, and understand you might be a little sensitive. And tell him Crohn’s sucks, but you love your job and you will fight your disease to make a positive impact on the company and grow the skills you can offer. You deserve the certification, and if you don't get it, well, as the HR Director, he should be familiar with the term "workplace discrimination." You can even casually mention that during your heart-to-heart with him.

These are learnings from my workplace experiences. And I wish you all the luck with getting the same rights as your peers. Don't let this make you cry at your computer. And if it ever happens again, stand up firmly for yourself and fall back on Equal Employment Rights, knowing you could put a company out of business for not playing by the rules.

Good luck!

 

Posted 4/11/2008 1:57 AM (GMT 0)
I am self-employed, so I don't have the boss issue, but mornings are terrible for me. I have to get up three hours before I am scheduled to be at work, just to get my act together! I hope you are feeling better and sort this all out with your boss. If you need a leave of absence until you stablize, it is nothing to be ashamed of! Best of luck to you.
Posted 4/11/2008 4:08 AM (GMT 0)
Just wondering how you are doing??? Hopefully well and enjoying your evening. Put this behind you and enjoy your weekend!! I believe in CARMA!
✚ New Topic ✚ Reply