pregnancy (or lack ther of) rant...

I'm sorry guys... I don't do this very often, but I've gotta spill my guts. I'm alone here in the mountains, and there's only so much my husband can understand...

Trying to have a baby jumbles a persons mind in and of itself. Trying to have a baby when you have this (or any other) STUPID STINKING DISEASE is even harder.

I really thought that I was pregnant this month. I had myself completely psyched out - even my breasts were swelling... but no positive pregnancy test. And then this morning... the cramps and bleeding. So, yeah. No baby. This is only the second time we've tried. The first time we tried to get pregnant last year I did ended up pregnant, but miscarried at about 8 weeks. And now this month - the whole "convincing myself" I was pregnant... WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? I KNEW better than to do that...

And to top it all off, after the miscarriage last year, I asked my husband not to say anything to anyone until we at least made it to the first doc apt and got a heartbeat. But did he keep his mouth shut? Of course not. He told everyone at work already that he thinks I'm pregnant, so now that I'm not - all his co-workers are going to have that "pity" look on their faces next time I see them. I HATE THAT LOOK! I get it enough because of my crohns, I do NOT need it for not being pregnant!

I know that it's only our second try at having a kid, and that everything will turn out fine in the end.

I'm just hormonal and emotional right now, and lets be blunt... when you have a disease like crohns, there is ALWAYS a little annoying voice in the back of your head saying "Well, maybe you're not healthy enough to have a baby." Or, "Maybe you shouldn't pass on your genes anyway." Or any number of other psycho- sabotaging comments.

We want a child. We've weighed the risks and the benefits. There's no doubt in our minds that we WANT a child. I guess the inevitable fear of "What if we CAN'T have a child" has started to creep in, and let me tell ya, it's a stupid and miserable fear to have. And naturally, due to the fact that I have this stupid disease, and my husband is fit as a fiddle - I place the suspicion on my OWN potential inability to conceive more than on any suspicion that there's something wrong with my husband... It's stupid, and irrational, and I know we're still young and have PLENTY of time for all this... hormones are just REALLY good at making a person jump to conclusions, even conclusions she knows are completely premature and irrational.

I guess I just needed to acknowledge the stupid little voices in my head... to name them out loud for what they are. And I figured if anyone would understand, if anyone out there had heard the same stupid voices that I'm hearing now - it would be you guys.

Thanks for listening...

I completey understand what you're going through. We've just started trying for a baby (month one) and i'm already symptom spotting. The problem i have is that every symptom is my Crohn's! The nausea, funny feeling in my tummy, constipation-i know it the DD but can't help thinking it could be a baby. I'm going to drive myself made with this over the coming months.

Im so sorry you had a miscarrige. You must keep in mind that 1 in 4 pregnancies miscarry, it was nothing to do with your crohn's, don't blame yourself. I think you should also sit down and have a really good honest chat with your husband, i know if im ever blessed enough to get pregnant i wont want to tell anyone for 3 months-he needs to understand how you feel.

I had the same worries concerning passing on this DD, i got some wonderful responses from this site, i'll try to find the post and bump it up for you.

Have you thought of joining a baby website, you get masses of support form them especially from the ladies who are also trying to concieve. Im not sure if it's against the rules to recommend a site so apologies if it is but you can't beat a ' baby expert' !!

Hope you start feeling better, we must try to keep positive, lots of love and all the best for the coming months xx

I understand your feelings also.  We've been trying for awhile for another baby.  We have a 5-year old daughter.  It can get you down.  However, I haven't been as healthy as I thougth I was. I started Remicade and am feeling great, so hopefully things will start happening. 

Keep trying and keep your chin up!  I know how hard that can be when you're struggling with all the "monthly" emotions and hormones.  Good luck!

All I can say is good luck. I was so worried that I could never have children because of my crohn's, but I now have a 2 month old beautiful daughter, who I am grateful to have. I was on medication that said it makes people infertile and it was a miracle when I found out I was pregnant. I am hoping that in a couple of years when I want to have another one that I will be as blessed. Just keep your head up relax and let your body be happy and more readily accepting of that little baby you so want and deserve, because the more relaxed you are the better your body functions. Hope you are doing well with your crohn's and to keep up happy thoughts. :)

Patientspiders
I read your e-mail and I believe we have lived the same life the last few months. I had a miscarriage in March, I was just under three months. I am on Humira, prednisone, and an antibiotic for my fissure that never seems to go away due to absess that keeps coming back. Ideally I would like to get off as many medications as possible before we start trying again. My GI said I should be in remission for a year before we try, but I am not sure I want to wait that long. I am 33 and would like two childrena and it took us awhile to get prego the first time around. I know miscarriages are common but it does not make it any easier.
How are you feeling interms of the CD. Are you on medication trying to get pregnant? I would love to chatt to see how you are approaching this. I am not sure what to do when I get in remission. Do I start to go off the medications in risk of causing another flare up and going into the pregnancy with one? What are you doing>

You know, you could cut yourself some slack about this. This is not your fault. Tell the little voice to shut up and take a hike. If you work on taking good care of yourself and getting as much control of your crohs as possible you will feel better, and if you feel better all things may work out for you both. Good luck,,hope you feel better soon..

((((HUGS))) to you! I was able to have my son before this awful disease hit me. Ever since then I've dealt with infertility issues. I had one miscarriage when my son was 3, and it was so devastating. Then they diagnosed me with POCS. I was ready to go down the fertility treament road, when I was diagnosed with high blood pressure. At that point my OBGYN sat me down and said "Look, with all your health problems, I wouldn't recommend getting pregnant anymore. If you did you'd need to see a high risk specialist." It took a long time for me to accept that it wasn't a good idea anymore. But like I said, I have my son. If I didn't, I'm certain I'd still probably be trying. He's my little miracle.

So don't give up hope, there's a lot of women on here that I've seen struggle and then get pregnant. I hope it happens for you soon!