Another mental aspect - things you want vs. what others want

I have noticed an interesting phenomenon.  When I want to do something, and just do it, I rarely get sick.  I will go way out into the country to take photographs, walk my dog for miles, go on a sailboat ride, etc.  I am fine.  But if someone asks me to go sailing with them my anxiety kicks into high gear and I start to worry about all the what ifs.  If I go, I inevitably end up sick.  I know when I go on self excursions there is less anticipatory anxiety and I am less worried because no one is there to see whatever happens.  That was the first thing my therapist helped me with.  I stopped caring what happened to me if I was alone.  Maybe the times I get sick alone vanish from my memory while the ones that resulted in embarassment stay engrained in my psyche?  Does anyone else have this problem?

It is hard to tell a friend that I am not sure if we can go hiking when the day before I hiked miles w/ just my dog.  It is really strange.  I am thinking about volunteering at a seal rescue and there is a day long training coming up.  I never worried what the bathrooms would be like there.  But, at my last job, as soon as I found out there was an all day training, I started freaking out about everyone in my class seeing how many times I got up to use the bathroom.  Why do I care so much in some situations and when I am doing something just for me I don't care at all?

Ideas?

I used to be that way ALL the time, especially when we would go out to eat somewhere that I wasn't familiar with the menu! But more and more I have the attitude of **** it, who cares what people think, yeah...i have diarrhea, so what??? I think being a nurse helps, because we are all so comfortable talking about gross things like poop everyday. But when it really comes down to it, do you really care what people think???? probably not!

Fitzy- Hence my apprehension of jury duty! It's really ridiculous! I don't care who knows about my CD. When I do anything that requires self absorbed concentration that allows me that time of NOT thinking about going to the bathroom constantly....is the very time, most of the time that I am fine. But put me in a situation such as jury duty when someone else has control, i.e.; judge...I guarantee you I'll have a major flare. Yes, I'm a control freak and I intend on controlling this disease the rest of my life in any form or manner it requires....I'm also very stubborn and don't like things to "kick my butt"! Welcome to my castle!

Fitz, I admire your insight about yourself. That is awesome, and most people don't have it to the extent that you seem to. You rock my world even more now! Like that was even ever possible!

This has happend to me on occassion as well, it's as if your sixth sense kicks in letting you know (making you feel) as though when you decide you want to go do something then chances are things will go well, BUT when others put the idea/expectation on you then it's like a minature shock to your routine and a little panic sets in, kinda like fear of the unexpected or something...definitely a control thing even if it's not meant to be.

I used to often do things spontaneously, that's one of the aspects that frustrates me the most within myself, because CD has pretty much taken that from me...like it has for most of us.

:)

For me, I know that if I'm doing somethng alone, and change my plans because I'm ill, I'm not disappointing anyone, and like you, I do tend to be less sick when I'm on my own timetable.  there are things that I want to volunteer for, and I keep avoiding them, because I get so anxious about being sick.  I wish I had some good advice, but I just wanted to say that I'm right there with ya! good luck on exams!