Helping someone out....

Hi Jake:

First of all, by your very presence you will reassure her. Trust me, on this. Try not to let this intervention take on more importance than it should. She is not the feeding tube, She is still the same girl that you love. The feeding tube is just a servant that will enable her to get the rest from eating that she so obviously needs right now. No different than a bulky woolen sweater. It might obscure her figure, but it keeps her warm.

it is difficult not to express fear when a loved one is sick. But here's the thing, try to keep your worry focussed on her comfort and her well being. Sometimes because we don't think about it, we can express our fears selfishly. No one who is sick needs to hear that their loved one can't live without them or variations on that theme. When someone is sick they need to keep all their energy focused on themselves. They really shouldn't be wasting precious energy trying to reassure their loved ones. She needs to know that you are going to be ok, regardless. That you are strong and that when she leans on you, if she needs to, that you will support her.

If you can possibly stay focussed on her and encourage her to express her fears and worries in an open and accepting manner, she will be more likely to give herself permission.

And about calming her, maybe she doesn't need calming, maybe she needs permission to lose it. To be fearful, to be angry, to be sad. If we are those things, papering over them with a false calm facade sometimes intensifies the dark emotions. It can be cathartic to acknowledge the dark emotions. It's almost as though, by acknowledging them, we steal their power to continue hurting us.

Just thoughts, Jake. In the end, you will be most supportive of your girlfriend if you remain rooted in the reality of the moment as it unfolds. Stay alert and conscious and ready to respond with authenticity to her cues. If you allow yourself to be guided by her reactions, it will all work out.

Sometimes when people are sick and fearful they can lash out at the nearest available target, usually the persons they love most in life. If this happens, can you stand aside from the impact of the hurt and recognize that in a wierd way she is paying you the compliment of trust?

I suspect things will go very smoothly and you will both be able to breathe a big sigh of relief and secretly laugh at all your worries, but regardless what is ahead in the next few days, you will get through it. And these tough times will create even stronger bonds between the two of you, if you allow yourself to grow through the experience.

With much compassion ...

Also, don't try to down play the situation, because I know I get mad/frustrated when people try to make it seem like it's not a big deal. Then it's like they think your making something out of nothing.

From your message, I don't think you'll have a problem. It sounds like you already understand what it means to be there for her. :)

Hi Seems this is a good thing for her as her body needs the nourishment and bowel rest. To her it's probably a little scarry so just think of it as another thing to get threw . So glad she has someone to be with her and we draw our strength when called on to get threw things. Hope this brings her some good health down the road . Keep us updated on how things are going. lol gail

One thing I appreciate a lot about my fiance taking care of me(aside from simply taking care of me) is all of the small things in general. Days get so stressful that even the smallest thing like getting up to fill a glass of water will put me out because I am exhausted and just want to sit and rehydrate. I can't express how much it helps out for him to help with those things instead of doing that horrible thing where a person will say something like "i can get it for you if you want. are you sure? because i can get it." All the while simply sitting there.
Taking up the slack for things like that greatly reduces stress and it shows how much you care. I think so anyway.

Bellenstein basically hit the bullseye though. It's okay to worry, but don't let it turn into her having to comfort you.. Both of you should be able to express yourselves but never to the point where one has to go out of their way to ease the emotional strain. It's hard enough as it is coping with the consequences of this disease without having to help someone (who says THEY are there for YOU) cope. Just remember to let her lose it...one thing that's helped me is catharsis in the form of simply crying--and I have cried HARD.

Anyway, it sounds like she's extremely lucky to have you. You're really, really sweet for taking the time to do this kind of research. I know plenty of people will do the medical side of research but don't even think about how to deal with it psychologically and therapeutically. You're a great guy it sounds like :)

Thanks a bunch everyone. Yea i've been researching about the medical aspect of Chron's since before we started dating but it was when I went to the hospital with her for the first time when she got her remicade that i realized that i really have to be there for her. And I'm continuing being there for her to the best of my ability.

Thanks for all the advice, I actually just spent the day yesterday with her and I told her that if she needed to cry she could just unload. I was seriously expecting her too all day and she didnt, then finally right before i had to leave she just started bawling. It was hard to see her like that but i just kept holding her telling her that im here and its going to be okay. I know, not much, but the best i could do.

So, today is her surgery, and I'm hoping she'll be okay, I'll let you guys know, who wanted to know, how it goes.

thanks for being so helpful and caring =)

Thank you everyone. My girlfriend is out of surgery and shes doing okay. They gave her morphine but her body reacted to it and she became very very ill, and she vomited, but they took her off, and shes still on no pain killers but thier going to put her on something else that starts with a D i cant think of what its called but yea. But her surgery is okay. It took an hour longer than expected but shes okay. Her recovery may require more than a die, but im just happy that it was a success.

Thanks for all your support and caring so much =)

(btw, i thought some of you might think its interesting that shes the youth ambassedor for her local chapter of CCFA for 2008, her name is Rebecca, if youve heard of her)

but yea, thanks so much,
Jake

Post Edited By Moderator (Ides) : 9/25/2008 8:01:15 PM (GMT-6)

Hi Jake So glad to hear that the surgery went alright and I hope her recovery is good. Wishing you both the best. lol gail