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Are you affectionate?

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Crohn's Disease
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Posted 10/27/2008 1:17 AM (GMT 0)
I'm not! And I want to know why. I used to be very affectionate, and I'm affectionate to my cats and other animals...and I am toward nieces, nephews and younguns. But when it comes to relationships and others hugging and grabbing, I just don't like it anymore. I show more affection to bugs. Why?!

I've never been oversexed, but did okay through 28 years of marriage and adored my hubby. I've been divorced for several years now and have made an attempt at two relationships. These are nice fellas that like to show affection in public places. Ya know, holding hands and kissing in parking lots, etc. I can't stand it. I don't mind holding hands, but other than that I really don't want to be touched...unless it's a nice back rub.

I'm basically in remission but don't feel I have the energy to develop a relationship from the ground up anymore. I'm 56 and feel like it's over for me. How do you tell someone you want to be with them but you don't have the energy or interest for more than sharing a cup of coffee?

Maybe I'm playing in the wrong group. I think I'd rather have a relationship with someone else who has crohns or colitis energy that matches my own. I couldn't care less about sex at this point in my life. Hey, other than that I'm kinda normal....I think. Anybody else feel this way?
Posted 10/27/2008 1:49 AM (GMT 0)
I know some times when I don't feel like sex I shy away from affection b/c I know that is how it starts and leads to more. Maybe give yourself permission to say no if it gets to the sex part or even say no up front to the sex part, and then you will feel better about affection. I love hugs still.
Posted 10/27/2008 2:00 AM (GMT 0)
I find it hard to feel affectionate when my stomach hurts and is rumbling. Plus, I am afraid to relax and "let my guard down" in case I accidentally pass gas or something...intimacy is really hard when you flat out don't feel well. Even when you DO feel well, putting the time and energy into it, and a relationship, is a lot of work.

Sometimes I think it would be great to meet a nice, single man who also has IBD. I completely understand your feelings on that, Squattie. It would be nice to be able to relate to someone who really knows what we go through.
Posted 10/27/2008 2:43 AM (GMT 0)
I haven't felt like putting the energy into having a relationship for quite awhile myself. I usually don't feel right when the opprotunity arises or theres no one worth spending the time with. Indigosunrise really hit it, but i think the odds are against me at this point life.
Posted 10/27/2008 4:17 AM (GMT 0)
there is nothing like a new relationship to GIVE you energy...even if you are middle-age. I know that from personal experience ;)
Posted 10/27/2008 4:46 AM (GMT 0)
since i've been dealing with crohn's over the past year, i have not had any urges whatsoever to pursue a relationship, i don't like it, i'm just not interested in sex at all, maybe it has something to do with my out of control body functions and not feeling right about having someone else have to deal with it, or the fact that i look like i just got out of a concentration camp...extremely skinny and bony, just a little self concious about that....almost feel like the only relationship that would make sense is finding a girl that also has IBD, so we could deal with it together....but chances of that happening are pretty slim, lol......i'm sure as i get healthier and stronger, things will change, and oppurtunities will arise and i will feel more comfortable pursueing a relationship.....maybe i'll even get horny again someday, lol....
Posted 10/27/2008 5:29 AM (GMT 0)
I'm 33 years old and have only had one brief long distance relationship (I think I was 27/28). I just never got involved with anyone due to shyness and thinking no one would really want to be with someone with a chronic illness. At this point, I don't think I would even know how to behave around a guy. It's kind of sad to think that I'll never fall in love and get married, but I guess it's just something I have to live with. Luckily, I have several furry friends for me to love and hug on wink.
Posted 10/27/2008 6:54 AM (GMT 0)
It is truly sad what this disease takes away from us...it's heartbreaking to read these replies...I've been married 19 yrs to my hubby but we've basically been together for 26 yrs (teen sweethearts) and having CD for 17 yrs with no full remission has definitely put a strain on the sex life at times...but I have noticed when I feel better that my "drive" is better...of course when I was younger (before getting sick at 24 yrs old) I had a strong healthy drive so I'm thankful that I at least had that for as long as it lasted...having a couple of kids might have had a little impact as well as getting older but I know first and foremost it's the CD that has had the greatest effect on lessening my drive...but like I said, when I feel better then usual my drive does come back still...it's likely because I'm still in a physical relationship with hubby, it would probably be much different if I wasn't sharing my life with someone, but it's very sad to read these replies...try not to let your disease completely ruin your sex lives or getting into relationships with people, we are already denied so much because of it, don't let it take everything from you.

And yes, I am affectionate....(((((((((HUGS)))))))))) to you all!

:)
Posted 10/27/2008 9:37 AM (GMT 0)
nope never had a problem, however my wife is as you describe yourself. so its kinda forced on me too. but that dont stop my brain from thinking about things!
Posted 10/27/2008 9:57 AM (GMT 0)
Im very affectionate with my husband and give my mum and nana a peck on the cheek and my girl friends a hug but i never hug my family. I don't think it's anything to do with the crohn's, it's something we've just got out of the habit of doing. Im hoping, when my baby arrives in March, it will put the affection back in the family.

I can understand this disease affecting someones sex life, especially with someone new. I've often thought that if ever something happened and my husband and i split up, that would be it for me. I can't imagine ever being with someone else and i just don't think i could be bothered to put myself back out there. Again, im not sure if thats completely down to the crohns or just because i could never imagine loving anyone else.
Posted 10/27/2008 11:31 AM (GMT 0)
my brother hugged me yesterday and I threw up on him....he just laughed and was totally a good sport about it.  He knows sometimes it hurts to be hugged, but I rather be hugged and barf, then not be hugged.

LOL

Posted 10/27/2008 12:02 PM (GMT 0)
Wow Navy - you are having a rough time. I hope you feel better soon.
Posted 10/27/2008 12:04 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks Fitzy!
Posted 10/27/2008 12:21 PM (GMT 0)
Squattie...the person you describe is my husband and he does not have CD. He does not like public affection. Even putting my hand on his back makes him uncomfortable. I am the mid range affection person. I will hold hands and light kiss, but the big displays put me off. However, I am not a hugger unless I am really comfortable with a person. I have a sis who doesn't touch at all and one sis who is the mushy type.

I tell you all this because it's not just the disease. I think it's a combination of all life experiences that makes us the affectionate level we are. My husband learned not to touch and hug from his family. Since we met in our late 30s, I may never see him relearn the skill. I just take the hugs I can and respect that he is not big on the PDA. Now in our 40s, I think we have settled in to our styles (he tickles, massages etc at home--but we still don't hold hands in public). Ease into it as you feel comfrotable and wait...that guy who you will be comfortable with may just be the next one around.
Posted 10/27/2008 2:05 PM (GMT 0)
I might not be up to sex as much, but I still love hugging/touching my husband. We hug and touch alot even when not sexually active. The Crohns has put somewhat of a damper on things, but Hubby and I are still very affectionate with eachother. I have found that we even touch eachother when we sleep. I will tell you though that I am madly and deeply in love with my husband. I am blessed to have someone who loves me so unconditionally and is just happy to be in the same room as me.

Never give up on love, as PB4 said, don't let this DD rob you of the chance to have someone special in your life.

(((HUGS to you all)))
Gail *Nanners*
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