Husband thinks Crohn's is in my head

While stress and getting worked up do contribute to a flare, this does not mean that you have control over when it happens. Sometimes even when we are calm and extremely careful with diet this disease flares up anyway. There are too many factors in a flare up.
In the end, NO, we do not have control over this disease. We manage as best we can, but this does not guarantee any sort of immunity or most people would have found a way to prevent the horrible symptoms. Does he really think you would prefer spending weeks defecating your own blood and starving to death over going out to dinner with him? If so, then perhaps he is the one that needs to reconsider his though process and who is working themselves up or exaggerating things.
You could also show him the posts on this website so he can see what we have to deal with everyday. Maybe he'd like to be in your shoes for a day and worry that if he doesn't get to the bathroom in time the only thing he'll be looking forward to is cleaning up the mess he made from the INVOLUNTARY incontinence. Just a thought.
There are too many negative aspects to this disease to be able to justify having it in our head to accomplish...what exactly? Personally, I'd like to be able to go to work and school without having to worry about losing blood, fluids, or control of bowel movements.

two ways to let him know:

1) don't flush

2) poo your pants while out in public

I understand both sides to this argument, but LMills put it quite nicely.

My husband says similar things... that I get nervous when it's time to leave the house, and getting nervous makes things worse. In that sense, he's correct. But really... come on. Like LMills said, how many people do you know that are Jedi-freaking-knights that can talk themselves out of being nervous or scared? Does your hubby know what it's like to fear pooping in his pants every time he leaves the house? I think not.

As I said, I understand what your hubby is saying to a point, but ultimately he should be supportive and work with you to get through the rough spots. Not point a finger and say YOU HAVE CONTROL.

It isn't easy for our loved ones, I'm sure they get frustrated with our disease as we do and I'm sure they feel hopeless at times with our disease as we do as well...he was probably just venting too...it's hard for people to get their head around the fact that we don't have total control over our bowels like healthy people do, even I struggled with that when I got sick, often I still do because for me it's one of the most frustrating aspects of having this disease...can't tell you how many times my hubby and other family members have had to stand around tons of times waiting for me to repeatedly keep doing my "business" just in one public outing, it can't be fun for them either. I learned a long time ago that this disease touches all aspects of our lives and that includes the people who are in our lives, co-workers, family, friends, hairdressers, dentists, kids teachers during P/T interviews ect.

:)

Tell him that if Crohn's were all in your head your brains would leak out and you would be like him    Just kidding- keep in mind that it makes me flare to smell crude oil or vasoline, so what would I know about controling or preventing flares.

On a differeent note you could tell him it is in your head the mind does cause many responses to the bodies actions.Muscle reflexes ,,N,..perhaps just tell him sure it's in the head to,might be another thing for him to figure out and hoping his head can handle it after all it's his idea...lol gail

I am going to go with Fitzy here. I have had Crohns for 33 years and developed anxiety related to the Crohns in the past two years. Took me awhile to realize that my anxiety was causing me to have multiple little flare like episodes that would usually knock me down for about 3-5 days. I am now able to recognize that anxiety and stop it in its tracks with the help of Xanax. I take the lowest dose available .25mg when I feel it starting to ramp up, and am able to stop within about an hour or two. Now I am not saying your husband is right, but anxiety with this disease is very common. I think many people think these times are flares, when its really just our fear of what if I go out with my husband and/or friends and I get sick, or what if I get sick and ruin a good time for my loved ones, what if, what if, what if.... Thats what I am talking about with this disease, it has so many unknowns. Its called anticipatory anxiety. My husband and I planned a trip last Feb to go down to Guadalajara to visit his eldest sister. As soon as I pushed the button to buy the tickets, I got violently ill. It took therapy and the help of the ocasional Xanax to help me learn to control and stop it. Once again I am not saying what your husband did was right, but I do agree that our anxiety and worries can cause us to have bowel problems. By the way my anxiety causes me instant D, nausea etc.

God Bless,
Gail *Nanners*

Hello there, I have just skimmed over everyone else's responses so if I repeat a point already made please bare with me. I too suffer anxiety issues, as do a lot of us here, it's to be expected. And while I agree that your husband does have a point in that yes, elevated emotions and stress can and do bring about flare ups here and there, I think that perhaps the problem here is the way he went about presenting his point. Sounds to me like he brought it about in an accusatory way, making you feel as though he thinks you are doing this all on purpose, or that you could stop it if you REALLY wanted to, and that, I think, is very unfair. It is ridiculous to assume that any of us, or anybody at all for that matter, choose to have the anxious feelings, or choose to make ourselves sick. I'm sure he probably does not realize that he came off in this way, and as others have said here, it is quite probable that he is just experiencing frustrations because he does not truly understand what is going on. I know my boyfriend, who is almost always very understanding, sometimes gets frustrated because he says he feels "helpless", and that could play a big part of it as well. I'm not too sure what to suggest to remedy the problem, as everyone is different, but if it were me I would have a sit down discussion with him one on one and get some more answers as to why he is pointing fingers at you, and see where that goes.

Hope things get figured out, and don't feel bad about any of what's going on with you, I did that for a long time, and still do sometimes.

I keep reading posts like this and really find it amazing.  Amazing that people really think we have mental control over the disease....and amazing that so many do not discuss or recognize the greater issue(s) that this represents.

If you are one of those people that faces this kind of issue on a regular basis then maybe it is time to take a different tact with how you approach it.  Has anyone asked themselves about how does this very close friend or family member think this...and what does it say about how they percieve me as a person if they think think this?  Is it because they don't understand the disease and in most cases of crohns they see no outward physical damage like they would if it were a lost limb, tumors, heart disease (lack of color and shortness of breath)....

Or is that they understand the disease but don't know how to deal with it...and maybe that is because dealing with it invloves dealing with a very personalaspect of your life...the big taboo of poo that no one likes to talk about.

Thirdly...is it possible that you have used the disease to your advantage?  Hidden behind it to avoid unpleasant things or to get attention?  Or do you make every conversation and every event come back around to you and your illness or illnesses?  Do you end each conversation with "YOU WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND HOW THIS DISEASE MAKES ME FEEL".....or "HURT"......or "MANY OTHER THINGS".

IMO the only way to really deal positively when this type of reaction occurs is to find out the root of problem and then deal with that.  It is a type of relationship dysfunction that probably has a cause that may have absolutely nothing to do with you or your disease.  There could be guilt because there is so little that can be done by the people who love you.  There can be guilt at being so overcome by a disease that this person never thought would last so long or be so consuming.  Does a parent worry that they gave you the disease....does a sibling feel guilty that you got it and they didn't....does your child worry that they will inherit it???

I see complaints about family who don't believe you are sick, or don't believe you are unable to do more...my first question in all of this is to find out why someone doesn't believe me....and if it is a case where they think I bring it on myself then I want to find out why they think I would do such a thing....

Just thinking that this is a case of the other person being selfish or self centered is not going to change hearts or minds nor will it find a solution to the problem.....If someone I really love and respect can not find compassion and understanding for something as serious as this disease and how I have to deal with it then the problem is bigger than them just being a jerk (and if they are someone you really love and respect then it is very unlikely that it is something as simple as them being a jerk).....and if it matters to us then we owe it to uorselves to go find the answer.  Along the way we may solve more than one problem.

Ladybug,

Thanks for the kind words....certainly most of us hate the extra attention this disease can bring because it means we must be really sick if someone is helping us....

but there are many of those who wallow in the extra attention illness can bring....heck there are even folks who make their children sick just to get attention (I think they call it munchousen disease..or something like that)

Good thing there are more of your type than their type.

I agree PB,  you can tell those people that tell their ailments to anyone and everyone even though no one asked.     I was at a party once and a woman was going on and on to my grandmother about her Crohn's.  My grandmother didnt care. . . I finally had to go save her by asking the woman about her ailments so she'd talk to me instead.  LOL

Back to original topic.   My husband was like that in the beginning (with first big flare).  It turns out he was lashing out because he was so helpless.   Our husbands like to think they can fix anything for us, and this is something he has no control over.   Unfortunately I think each wife, after realizing this, has to come up with the most effective way to handle it with her particular husband.   I recently had a flare and he was getting on me about being 'mopey'. . . I just said, "its not fair that you're upset with me because I feel sick".  He made one quick snap back, but after that I could see the change in his demeanor.   But, again, every husband is different and should be dealt with according to their personality.

I DO have to say that Margie's response was my favorite.

Sorry if I'm repeating what someone else said already but the next time your husband gets the stomach flu perhaps you could suggest to him it's all in his head!!!

I'm sorry to hear the one who should support you the most is being like this.