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Posted 6/29/2010 1:13 PM (GMT 0)
@80sChick - It sounds like your so-called best friend had been harbouring those feelings for a while, then just blurted them out one day. It's wrong, it's cowardly, and he should have said something sooner. But - and please don't take this the wrong way - you should ask yourself if there was any truth behind his spiteful allegations. The reason I say this is because years ago I had a "best friend". We were only in our late teens then, and I didn't have Crohn's but I had a lot of other issues which I dumped on him. One day he turned on me out of the blue, only it was in a letter rather than over the phone. Some of the stuff he said was outrageous and I was suitably outraged, but over time I did begin to see that I had treated him rather badly and that he had had some serious problems of his own which I had completely overridden in my need for attention. I'm not suggesting that you treated your best friend badly, but you may, for example, have talked about your illness to the exclusion of almost everything else.

In an ideal world, our friends and partners would let us do that, but in reality most other people have their own problems, their own low moods, or their own ill health (even if it's not as bad or debilitating as Crohn's) to contend with. I have found, from personal experience, that friends really can't hack too much depression talk. Heck, even my own mum can't. That's why I'm almost amazed at the existence of so many spouses who apparently can hack all that, and more. It is heartwarming and I'm happy for the people involved. I just wish I could believe in it as a reality for me :-/
Posted 6/29/2010 5:15 PM (GMT 0)
We met on the school bus in 10th grade and were friends for several years before

we started dating in college.  He always thought I was "the one" but I didn't like him that way at first.  :-)   I started getting sick my senior year in H.S., so he knew I had problems, we just didn't know what they were.  We got engaged after 9 months of dating and got married about 2 years later.  It took 8 years for me to get diagnosed and I think we were both just glad to know what was wrong.  I told him once that I read the statics of what % of people get divorced after a Crohn's dx and he said that was horrible.

During my worst flare, he would make sure I was eating at least some each day and kept going to buy me whatever foods I could actually eat.  It was then that he told me he could understand why the divorce % was so high for Crohnies...that it was so hard watching me be so sick.  But, he has stood by me, for several years as friends and now almost 8 years of marriage.  He is supportive of whatever decisions I make regarding treatments and reminds me not to push myself too much (and tells me when I'm doing something stupid that I'll regret later, like eating too much candy).  He has his own health problems, so he understands better than some people.  He has always been more supportive than anyone else.  And we are young but both agree that children are not in our future.  He doesn't like people but agreed to volunteer at the Take Steps Be Heard Walk for CCFA with me last month.  So, he is my biggest supporter.  My family tries, but he sees what every day is like for me, so he offers more/better support than anyone else.      

Posted 6/29/2010 7:28 PM (GMT 0)
I've been married to the same guy for 36 years.  I was sick within months of getting married but not correctly diagnosed for 3 1/2 more years.  He's been with me through it all; the cancelled plans because I felt like crap; the putting off of having children because I was afraid of passing this on; my own denial of what was really going on; the 4 surgeries; the long drives to Chicago in ice storms to see the only doctor I trust.  On top of that, neither the many scars from surgeries or the ostomy bag have dampened his physical attraction to me (do I get points for wording that so delicately :-) ).  I was engaged twice to other people before I married him and I have no doubt that both of them would have long gone by now.   We're not Ozzie and Harriet but we both know the meaning of "committment" and we've never taken it lightly. 
Posted 6/29/2010 8:00 PM (GMT 0)
I been married to the same guy for 36 years - started getting sick within months of getting married. He's been with me thru it all: the canceled plans; the 4 surgeries; the drives to Chicago in ice storms; the hesitation about having kids because I might pass it on. And neither the many scars or ostomy have dampened his, shall we say, "interest" in me. I was engaged twice before I married this guy and I know darn well neither one of those guys would have stuck around for more than a year or two of this BS.

Post Edited By Moderator (Nanners) : 7/1/2010 10:17:10 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 7/1/2010 3:23 PM (GMT 0)
I am lucky enough (or unlucky -depends which way you look at it) that we both have crohns/UC.  It helps us to understand and support each other and always be there for each other. Although it can be a bit difficult when we are both ill.

Posted 7/1/2010 4:51 PM (GMT 0)
My fiance and I have been together over 2 years (he recently proposed in April!)
He has been very supportive and very caring though my illness. Luckily while we've been together, I haven't been seriously ill(no hospitalizations), but no matter how bad I'm feeling here's there for me making me Jello, soup, etc.

I think part of it is that he also has issues. Not Crohn's or anything, but sometimes has similar issues.
Guys I had dated before him, didn't really seem to understand the illness, nor did they try to. I consider myself lucky that I have found a partner that's so understanding.
Good luck to anyone out there looking for a partner that understands!
Posted 7/2/2010 12:03 AM (GMT 0)
My husband & I were married 6 years before I was diagnosed with crohns. He was there for me the day I found out and let me cry on his shoulder all night. When I had my first really huge surgery I was in the hospital with tubes coming from every direction. He sat by my bedside that whole first night and fed me ice chips from a spoon. We still laugh about that. 17 days later, I left the hospital and he has sat by my side through every surgery. (about 15 in 12 years) We have been married 25 years June 15th and he still gets nervous with me every time I get a report. He has seen it all and done it all for me. WOW True Love for sure :):):)
Posted 7/2/2010 2:44 AM (GMT 0)
What I got from this post is that I could meet someone while I"m in the process of reducing my moon face! Doubling my dose of Imuran and hoping to get my D under control ... and maybe start online dating. Your posts give me hope! I've dated very little in the last six years since dx ... so little energy and confidence I can make it through a date!

I'm still looking for my soulmate .. you all give me hope!
Posted 7/2/2010 8:52 AM (GMT 0)
I've been married for 14 years, most of which I have been sick for. It started in a good year or so after we go married. At first he wasn't very supportive. He told me to "Go to the doctor and fix it". As if it was ever that easy. He got better with some time, and when I got really sick in 2006 he became very supportive. Helped me out around the house a lot, especially on days I didn't feel good or was extra tired. Was understanding about outtings that we had to cancel ect... He really took good care of me. I'd say he pampered and spoiled me.

I thought I had it made in that department, and would gladly brag about him! Until the last few weeks he told me how burdened he had felt the last few years. Felt he was doing too much, and it was getting to him. He even rolled his eyes when I mentioned how much I appreciated all his help and support. That I really wasn't taking advantage of him, I'm just tired a lot. And have a lot of days where I feel crappy. His eye roll was quite hurtful to me. He also complained that we don't go out and do stuff enough. Feels our life is too much of a boring routine. It's almost like he needs to see me on my death bed bleeding again in the hospital before he sees how real this is for me again. However I can understand the weight on his shoulders as well, and I've really been trying to do most everything around here. I've just worked in a scheduled nap time, and try to work through the days where I'm cramped up. Some are a lot harder then others, but I'm doing my best.

I guess it takes work from both people. But it also takes a very compassionate, understanding, and patient spouse to walk this road with you. And most importantly it takes a lot of communication. Something my husband isn't very good at. He didn't talk to me about how he was feeling for 2 years, and by the time he expressed it to me it was a bigger deal then it needed to be. Something he doesn't get is the more stress you put on me, the more sick I will be! Guess this turned in to a bit of a rant! Feels good to get it out.

Posted 7/2/2010 6:15 PM (GMT 0)
I've been with my fiance for 3 years, and engaged for 2 years. We met at a social event, and really hit it off when he came over to chill and discovered that I had a puppy. He used that puppy as an excuse to hang out with me ALL the time, as he said he would train him for me. Not really sure that my pup got a lot of training, but I got a great man out of it!

I was progessively declining from the beginning of the relationship up until this April, when I couldnt take it anymore, and had 2.5 feet of terminal ileum and colon removed. Prior to that, I went to his home country (as he isnt American) and met his family. I was unbelievably sick, yet I went and ate baby cereal for almost all of the 2 weeks. Came back to the US weighing 15 lbs less, had a colonoscopy, got horrible news that I was going to have to have surgery and most likely it would include an ostomy (which really threw me for a loop). He supported me through the whole thing, from Jan, when my scope was, until Feb, when I went to a different hospital for a second opinion, and all the way through April, when literally 2 days before I had surgery they found a discrepancy in my results from the Jan colonscopy and the Feb MRI, showing that *maybe* my disease was starting to heal in the colon. They tested this theory an hour later with a flex-sigmoid and found out that my colon looked relatively clear, thus, I was going to only have to have a resection. My whole family was sooo excited, including my fiance. I ended up having surgery 2 days later, and when I woke up, called my fiance only to find out he was going to head up to the hospital to see me (which was 9 hours away). I had to beg him not to, as he would have driven 9 hours, seen me for maybe 6 hours, and then would have had to drive 9 hours home, as he couldn't get off of work! I didn't want him to risk his life, as it was expected I would be home in 5 days or so... Thankfully he listened!

I ended up going home I think 5 days later, and saw him the day after I got home. He has been so good throughout my whole illness, but he really stepped it up when it became evident that medication alone would not help. He even came to my colonoscopy and followup appointment, and had researched all of these medications and surgical techniques, and then proceeded to ask very technical questions of my local GI -- which I think we all appreciated, as I was literally sitting in the office trying to keep myself from sobbing.

So, needless to say, I feel lucky, as I have had guys lose interest in me when they found out I was sick. Or have had some tell me to just "suck it up...." (and I am NOT a complainer -- I really try to hide this from people, as we all go through difficult things -- I only started to complain (and only complained to my family...) right before surgery, and ended up having A LOT of diseased intestine removed, with strictures SO bad, that at points the openings were only 2-4 mm's)
Posted 7/5/2010 2:01 AM (GMT 0)
My hubby struggles with with my illness a lot. It has definitely added a strain on our relationship.

We have been together for 4.5 years now, and about half of that has been dominated by my poor health. He doesn't understand how I can be tired so much, and in so much pain, and why the doctors (or myself) can't just "fix it". He just wants it fixed and our life to go back to normal. I can see his perspective, but it doesn't help me in the here and now. He wants so much for things to be equal (housecleaning, employment etc) that he misses the point that it can't be right now.

Don't get me wrong, he does try, but somehow it only makes me feel guilty about not holding up my end of the bargain.

Jo
Posted 7/5/2010 3:06 AM (GMT 0)
None of us knows what tomorrow holds, so for those who don't stick with someone who has an illness, I wonder who they think is going to be there for them when it's their turn?

I had been married several years before getting dxd.  Many years later he got extremely ill, so we have had to be there for each other.  I got to learn how stressful it is to be the caregiver and see it from the other perspective, which helps me to be more considerate I think.  I have to admit, it was very scary for me when he was sick and the prognosis was terminal (thankfully that didn't happen.)  I think I felt the stereotypical need for him to be the strong one, and all of a sudden he couldn't be.  If I didn't have cd, maybe it wouldn't have scared me so much, but I was counting on him to take care of me, and that was threatened.  While I would never say I understand why someone wouldn't stick it out, I also kind of understand how difficult it is with all the uncertainty a serious illness brings.

When I was in the hospital this past year he decided he needed to go out with his brother to have a beer.  I'll admit I was a little annoyed, but at the same time I felt like it was a good thing for him to have a support network so to speak, in order to deal with the stress (working all day, evenings spent at hospital, then going home to deal with kids, meals and housework).  I'm sure he wouldn't have left my side had I desperately needed him, and I do know how boring it is to sit in a hospital room.  Also, it helped that this particular brother has a wife with UC.  I just try to be stronger and not lean too heavily on him when I'm able.  I do appreciate all the tlc I get from him when I can't be strong though.

Posted 7/6/2010 1:48 PM (GMT 0)
PrincessJo, your story sounds very familiar to me! My husband wants my dr. to "fix it", when I've had to explain several times that this is a life long disease!


My husband and I had been dating for three years before I was diagnosed with Crohn's. He's been there for me throughout everything, he married me knowing this would be a way of life. He is understanding to a point, I know it upsets him to see me in pain and to have diarrhea everyday. Its hard for me b/c I have lost physical intimacy urges b/c I'm always either tired, just gone to the bathroom or nauseas! I used to be fun and out going - and now I'm a homebody that likes to nap. I avoid going places if they don't have nice bathroom facilities and traveling is a nightmare! He's encouraging to a point, but you have to take it day by day. The days I'm feeling good... I over do stuff to make up for when I am not able to. At the end of the day, he's there for me and while he doesn't fully get why I'm always "sick", he loves me for me and thats all I can ask for.
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