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I'm going CRAZy ...

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Crohn's Disease
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Posted 9/6/2010 3:36 AM (GMT 0)
Hey,

        This is more of an emotional post. I just want to know how everyone deals. I literally feel like this disease is making me CRAZY!!! or I was crazy and it's ENHANCING it. I'm 21 years old in college and working. I feel like I have no control and i'm not normal. Besides the obvious things I can't do, like drink, eat out, and stay out to the break of dawn. ( like other 21 yr olds can get away with). I feel like I can do stupid simple things.. like rush to school or work.. I have to plan out meals and pills.. and the over activity always makes me go to the bathroom... I also feel like i'm a burden on my family, the medical bills, the fights, the worry, and the stress. I have no control over my body although I try with eating right and being on my meds religiously. I feel no sense of independence ... i feel almost helpless. I try to think postive and take it one day at a time. But this past week was a MAJOR flareup even now its still hard to eat and not get pain or want to throw up ( which is a new symptom for me). Its just when everday you try to make it thru it gets you tired after a week. And, to see the  on y moms face when she sees how hard i'm trying breaks my heart. I know she gets me but I hate seeing her suffer too. Sometimes I don't even want to talk to her because i don't want to make my stress hers too. Besides all this emotional baggage i'm creating in my family. I literally think I'm crazy. I fighting with myself, especially reading other crohnie problems too. So many people have it worse then I do.. and I WISH THE BEST TO ALLLLLL OF YOUUUUU!!!!! I just look at myself weak for not just pushing through harder. I DESPISE self pity.. so self loathing is a result. Sometimes I think its all in my head and I create the stomach issues. BUt then I'm like Dana you can't give your self a fever, you can't force your self into erythema nodosum.  So, I donno am i partically doing it?. I ALWAYS have a pit in my stomach I NEVER feel free from it.. ever   =(

Posted 9/6/2010 4:02 AM (GMT 0)
I feel your pain, and your NOT going crazy. What you are feeling is completely normal. I was diagnosed with this horrible disease at 25 but they are sure I had it a few years before that as I had lots of probs before the diagnosis, I am now 47 and had several surgeries and now have an ileostomy, it has made a huge difference to my life and I am finally feeling so much better and happier. But I did need lots of counselling after my surgery to get my head around the changes and still on anti-depressants. I really think you would benefit from talking to someone about it too and if your not already on anti-depressants then perhaps you may find they will help you too. It is hard watching your friends going out and having fun knowing that its harder for you to do it. You are going through a rough time and I'm sure your family want to be there for you so don't shut them out, I am a mother of 3 older daughters and would always want to be there for my girls no matter what and I am sure your mum feels the same. You are not weak, every one of us is strong to deal with the everyday issues this disease brings to us. Keep on posting we are always here to listen and help out the best we can. I would suggest another trip to your GI to see if perhaps you need alternate meds if your still not feeling great. Take care
(((((((((hugs)))))))
Posted 9/6/2010 4:27 AM (GMT 0)
Just because other people have it worse than you doesn't mean what you're dealing with is easy. This disease can be so frustrating because it affects so many areas of your life.

Have you thought about trying an antidepressant? My GI puts most of her patients with crohn's on one because it makes it easier to deal with the disease and keeps you from getting overwhelmed. It doesn't mean there's something wrong with you because things are getting to you.

Also, you are not weak because things get to you. It means you're human. If you have CD and you never have hard times, I'd think you were crazy. It all gets to us from time to time.

After being in the hospital, I read what my mom posted on FB, and it broke my heart. I'm 32, and she worries just like she did when I was younger. It's hard to see how much me being sick affects her. I do count myself lucky that she cares so much though. Many people don't have family to support and be there for them. I just try to help them when I can to try to make up to them what they do for me.
Posted 9/6/2010 4:59 AM (GMT 0)
**HUGS**
Here's a strange question for you - what would you say to your own post if someone else had written it? I bet you would respond with compassion and love and want to give yourself a big hug! So do that - tell yourself what you would tell any good friend that was saying the same thing (you deserve to treat yourself with as much compassion as you would a friend). You are going through a tough time and hopefully brighter & more independent days are ahead, but until then go easy on yourself.
I say this, and I am trying so hard to practice it! I just came back from a cruise that cost a lot of money and I got really sick on the trip - couldn't eat, prednisone, fevers, etc! You are right, you can't give yourself a fever! Still, I feel I "ruined" the trip we spent so much money on and I wonder if my stress about the trip caused the flare and it is easy to think it is all my fault. The reality is that many, many other people are stressed all of the time and none of them cause crohns to flare up in their body. It is not your fault you have crohns. It is also really, really normal to grieve what you have lost when you have a chronic illness - but I think it is a stage we all go through at different times. Talking to someone might help, and the feeling won't last forever (but when you are at that point right now it is very hard).
Take care and keep sharing!
Posted 9/6/2010 2:40 PM (GMT 0)
Wow you have gotten some great advice so far. First off, you are NOT going crazy. If you are, then I am right there with you. I am supposedly in remission, but I sure don't feel that way. But mine is from the resections and the weird way my body now processes foods etc. Everyday when I wake I never know how I am going to feel, and it is frustrating. So I just want you to know you are not alone, we of all people do understand. Vent away Dana!
Posted 9/6/2010 2:55 PM (GMT 0)
It takes a long time to get your head around this disease. I think everyone thinks at one time or another that they may be going crazy. I told my doctor this once and he said, "people who are really crazy don't think they are crazy". I know he was kidding around but it made me feel better. Often times I think it would be easier if I had a disease everyone knew about.... and it was obvious on the outside that I am sick. But that's not the cards we have been dealt so we have to find our own way to deal with things. Don't feel guilty because none of this is your fault.

I know you don't want to worry your mom and family , but this is the hand they also have been dealt and they will find their own way to deal with it. So give yourself a big hug and don't be so hard on yourself. And vent away.... we are hear for you.
Elizabeth
Posted 9/6/2010 4:43 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you guys!!! It's the strength I need right now. At least I know I'm not the only one who this affects mentally and emotionally. Thank you again for all your warm remarks. =)
Posted 9/7/2010 3:29 PM (GMT 0)
I'm going through something similar. My symptoms had been out of control for a long time and I'd been pushing myself to "get through it" when finally I couldn't anymore. I was so scared because, to me, taking time off work meant giving up. But it felt like I was living two lives and I had to choose one. Now that I'm at home and I've got time to think, I feel like I've lost grip on my life. I don't know if it's the prednisone or if it's just me. I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want to go out, my place is a mess and I don't care to clean it and I'm more often than not in a bad mood. I've been doing some reading and they say having a chronic illness can make you more vulnerable to depression. This article was especially helpful: http://www.ccfa.org/living/depression/
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